I Found You (14 page)

I did. I did, and cut my fingernails into his skin and shut my eyes as he drove me mad, thrusting like he was the king of sex. I’d had sex with numerous guys, sometimes even at the same time, but God, it had never felt like this. My participation was restricted by the heels of my boots, but I fought to press my pelvis against his with every stroke.

It was the emotion that made this different. I could feel awe and admiration in his touch, like I felt myself giving back to him.

“Rach.”

He was gonna come before I did.

I didn’t want him to come yet.

I raced ahead, thrusting back against his thrusts, and focusing my mind on every sensation.

My hands left his shoulders and crept beneath his arms, reaching down to grasp his firm buttocks. “You’ve got a great ass.”

“So have you, I’ve been watching it half the night…”

My temperature shot upwards, and I just let him penetrate everything in me. I wanted him to have my soul as well as my flesh.

“Oh. Jason!”

I was so close, so close.

“Ah!” I tumbled over the edge into exquisite sensation, it set me adrift.

He came right after me, falling on to me and into me.

I lifted my arms and braced his neck, clinging on. I wanted to hang on to him forever, but he wasn’t mine. He couldn’t be mine.

Chapter Nine

Buzz––Buzz. Buzz––Buzz.

Fuck, it was my cell. Rach was still asleep beside me.

My head was pounding as I sat up and grasped it.

Lindy.

“Lindy? Give me a moment.”

I got out of bed, leaving Rachel there, to go into the other room. I saw Rach’s eyes open, though, before I went out the door. I shut it behind me and walked across to the long window at the far side. I put the cell back to my ear, looking out over the city, away from the river, over the warehouse district that was DUMBO.

“Surprise! You said to call back in the morning.”

I felt so hungover, I couldn’t work out if Lindy was being sarcastic or not. “Lindy? I was going to ring you first thing––”

“First thing has gone, Jason, it’s already eleven.”

“I didn’t get back ‘til really late.”

“You sound tired.”

I took a breath. “Look, Lindy, there’s something I have to tell you.” I leaned against the edge of the long window. I was still naked but I doubted anyone in the streets or apartments about me could see.

“Like what?”

“Lindy, I want to finish this.”

“What?” She sounded shocked. She knew what I meant, I was sure.

“Us. We’re no good for each other, you know we’re not … ”

“I suppose this is
her
talking.”

“Rachel has nothing to do with it. All you and I have done is argue since I decided to come to New York. This isn’t working, Lindy. It’s over.”

“No. Jason. Don’t be stupid… I’m coming to New York to see you soon. We’ll talk it out then.”

“So you can persuade me I’m wrong and you’re right again, Lind? No, I’ve got to start thinking for myself, and I don’t want what you want.” I turned backwards, leaned against the wall and slid down it. I ended up sitting on the floor with my back pressed against it, and my knees bent up.

“Just think this through, Jason. If that bitch has been trying to get her claws into you––”

“It isn’t like that, and if you insult her again, I’ll hang up…”

Rachel opened the door of the bedroom and leaned against the frame watching me. I looked away from her, toward the kitchen, but didn’t really see it.

“It’s over, Lindy, and that’s that. You’ve just got to accept it. I’m sorry I’ve let you down, but it’s for the best. It’s better that things end now than in a few years when there might be kids involved and we both finally realize we’ve gone so far down the wrong road and we hate each other.”

“I don’t think we’re bad for each other. It’s just you who does. There’s no, both, about it. I love you. I won’t stop loving you…”

“Be sensible, Lindy.”

“Sensible! We’re getting married next year. I’m wearing your ring. You’re going to make me look a fool. I’ve waited years for you to sort yourself out––”

“Lind––”

“Don’t, ‘Lind,’ me! Oh… Jason…” Her pitch was strained, then she growled. “Just fuck off. Fuck off and go screw your little friend…” The catch in her voice sounded like a wounded animal and like she was going to burst into tears. She cut me off.

I shut my cell off then rested my arm over my bent knees and my forehead on my arm. The cell hung in my slack grasp.

Lindy hardly ever swore. I’d really upset her.

Perhaps it
was
just me who didn’t love her, perhaps she did love me, and I’d just broken her heart. But I couldn’t go back on my decision. I knew it was the right thing to do.

But God, I felt awful. She’d been a pivotal part of my life since I was sixteen. We’d grown up together. She’d always be my first.

I sensed Rachel walk over to me.

I didn’t look up. I felt shit, physically from my hangover, and mentally because I knew myself to be an utter bastard.

Jason was naked still, sitting on the floor, with his knees bent up and his back to the wall. His head was down, resting on his arms, which rested on his knees.

I knelt beside him and laid my palm on his bare shoulder.

I’d heard him threaten to hang up, and I’d presumed it was me Lindy was insulting, and I’d heard him say it was over between them. The guilt which I’d known would come at some point, crashed in on me, like it had fallen on me, trapping me beneath it. “Jason, you didn’t have to do that.”

His head lifted. “I did.”

“No seriously, it was just sex. Call her back and tell her you were wrong. I didn’t want to cause you to break up with her…”

His shining brown eyes, vivid in the daylight streaming through the long window, looked into mine, searching for explanations. “Rach, did you really think I would do what we did if I hadn’t made this decision already? I made up my mind to end it with Lindy when we were in the karaoke bar.”

He looked in so much pain.

I ran my hand over his hair. Of course, he was too nice to have slept with me and stayed with her. He was too nice to play with a woman, or be unfaithful to her. “Jason.”

I wrapped my arms about him, and his head fell onto my shoulder, and then I realized he was crying as I felt dampness on my skin. I’d never known a guy cry. God, no guy had ever needed me for anything but sex. It was terrifying. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have made you––”

His head came up and then the back of his hand wiped the corners of his eyes, then his nose, as his gaze burned into mine again. “You didn’t
make
me. I’ve been wanting to do that to you for days. I’m crazy about you. You’re gorgeous. I just… it’s just, I’ve hurt Lindy, and we’ve been together a long time. I grew up with her. I can’t just let her go and not care.”

I rested my bottom back on my heels, my arms falling to my sides. What could I say to that? Nothing. I just longed for him to care that much for me, so much he’d cry over me. No one had ever cried over me. Shouted, screamed, thrown stuff, yes, that was the way my relationships ended.

Flashes of the memory of my last argument with Declan came to mind. The argument which had carried me to Manhattan Bridge. The argument which had brought me to Jason.

I pushed the images aside. I didn’t want to remember.

“Call her back, Jason. Just put it right, I’m no good for you. I’ve ruined everything.” It was probably the most selfless thought I’d ever said.

His fingers came up and cupped my nape, and then he pressed his lips against mine, before leaning away again and saying, “Rach, let this sink in. I’ve finished with Lindy. I’m not calling her back. I finished with her because Lindy and I were wrong for each other. Not because of you. It is just my good luck that I’ve met you now. We’ll just see where we go from here, yeah?”

I nodded. I didn’t know what to say, or where I stood with him. We’d been friends yesterday, good friends. Now I’d probably ruined that.

“Sorry, Rach, excuse me. I feel really sick.”

He got up from the floor and headed for the bathroom, his skin turning pale as he moved.

I sat there unsure what to do, I was still naked too, and if anyone could have seen in through his window we’d have been giving them a great show.

I heard him being sick, and got up and went into him.

He was curled over the toilet. It was my fault he’d drunk too much, as well.

I sat on the edge of the bath and touched his lean muscular back as he stretched an arm about the toilet rim.

“Just leave me alone for a bit, okay,” he said into the bowl.

I could, but I knew for certain it wasn’t what he’d do for me. “How about I get you some toast and water, and some coffee too, laced with sugar?”

I didn’t wait for his answer, I stood, and leaving him alone, went to get it. I was going to be nice to him. He was always being nice to me.

~

“Here, I went to the store and got you some soda.”

Jason was lying on his stomach. He’d been in bed all day. He was still pale.

He wasn’t at all used to alcohol.

He’d admitted to me earlier he’d never got into the habit of drinking heavily. He’d never hung out in bars with friends to any great degree.

For years, his life had been Lindy. They had been at school together and at college together.

I didn’t understand why he’d finished with her now. I was still terrified it was because of me. I didn’t want it to be because of me.

“Come on, sit up and drink it, you’ve got to get some fluids into you.”

We’d said days ago about feeling like kids, out of depth, trying to be adults; that’s what I felt like again today.

“You know I can’t keep anything down.”

“But you haven’t tried drinking for two hours. Drink this.” I held it out again even though he hadn’t looked up or turned around. I thought it was more than the hangover which had kept him in bed.

When I didn’t give in and go away, he finally turned and sat up, then took it.

He was still naked beneath the sheet, and it slid to his hips, revealing his beautifully crafted chest.

I was dressed in my old jeans and a t-shirt.

I squatted down on my haunches. I was trying hard to be more like him. He was a good example for what to do right. “Do you want me to get you something to eat?”

He took tiny sips of the soda.

“I suppose you think me a fucking wimp now.”

“I know you’re a lightweight, yes, I won’t encourage you to drink shots again. Or at least only one until you get used to drinking a bit more.”

“No thanks, I think I’ll abstain.” He sipped the soda. He looked like he had a little more color.

“Let me get you something to eat. What do you want?”

“There are bagels in the fridge, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then get me toasted bagels and bacon.”

I smiled at him. He looked like he might actually be able to eat them.

“Coming right up.” I stood up and left him.

“Fuck.” I heard, a couple of minutes later.

“What is it?” I called from the counter which divided the kitchen area and the living room.

“I switched my cell on silent. I just thought I’d better check it. Lindy’s rung five times. Mom’s rung eleven times. I never thought to warn her!”

I went over and looked round the door. He was still sitting up in bed. “You okay?”

“I’d better call her back.”

My insecurity rushed in. “Lindy?”

“Mom, Rach. Shut the door, please.”

He was asking me for privacy.

I went out and I did, but I felt excluded suddenly. It was stupid; I had no right to be included. I busied myself making his bagels, and I made some for me too, it was hours since I’d eaten.

“Hi, Mom.”

I could hear him through the door anyway.

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I’d switched my cell off.”

“Yeah, I should have told you about it, but I’d been drinking last night and––”

“No, Mom, you don’t have to worry about me.”

His words touched more spots of guilt in me, and not all to do with him.

“No, it’s not like that.”

“Honestly, Mom, it’s not what Lindy thinks.”

“Yeah, I know I’ve hurt her, and I know you have to work with her.”

“Mom, I can’t keep living a lie. I’ve not been happy for months. I just need to make a clean break now, and––”

“Yeah, Mom. I’m sorry. Just help her through it, would you? I’m still going to worry about her.”

“I’m sorry you and Dad think I’ve let you down. I didn’t mean to, Mom. But do you want me to be unhappy?”

“Yeah, okay. Yeah. Look I’ll call you tomorrow to see how Lindy is…”

The bacon I was cooking set the fire alarm ringing. Dammit. I’d forgotten to put the extractor on.

Liar, Rachel, you didn’t put the extractor on, so you could hear, and now he’d know.

I put it on now, and then waved a dishtowel under the alarm. It turned off, but when I turned around Jason was standing in the doorway leading from his bedroom, wearing only his boxers.

“How’d it go?”

“I think you heard.”

I’m sure I turned bright red. “I––”

“It doesn’t matter, Rach. She’s angry. Dad is too. Lindy’s been round there nearly all day, crying on Mom’s shoulder over what a terrible son she’s got. Mom’s embarrassed, angry I didn’t even warn her and angry at me for letting Lindy down … ”

There was something else he didn’t say… “And she thinks it’s my fault?”

“It isn’t though, Rach, and I told her so.”

I definitely blushed. “I know, I heard.”

He smiled.

I turned away and returned to the counter, to begin dishing up his bagels and bacon.

“Smells good - my hangover must be clearing. I drank the soda too.” He came over and sat on the stool on the opposite side of the counter.

I pushed the plate across, and then sat down to eat mine.

He ate a few mouthfuls then looked up. “I’m going to have a bath after this; care to join me?”

I smiled at him, and my stomach somersaulted as he smiled back at me.

“I’d love a bath. I didn’t wash. I didn’t want to disturb you.”