I Found You (37 page)

She nodded. “Jason Macinlay, you’re such a good guy. Thank you for taking me in.”

“Rachel Macinlay, you’re such a special girl, thank you for being willing to share my life…”

She struck my shoulder. “Don’t mock me.”

“Who’s mocking?”

Neither of us felt like sleeping after that. We ended up playing on my Xbox half the night.

~

Jason? Hi honey.” Mom sounded bright, considering yesterday she hadn’t wanted to talk to me, but I could hardly hear her over the New York traffic.

“Hi. I’m on my way to work.” I wondered why she’d called.

“Yeah, okay. It’s only a quick call. I want to ask, what do you and Rachel want for a wedding present?” Ah, they really were going to try and accept this then. I frowned as I looked along the street before crossing the road, and pressed the cell closer to my ear to try and hear her over the crossing signal which warned me I had so many seconds left to get over.

“For a present?” I dodged the people coming toward me, and stepped up onto the opposite sidewalk and turned left, brushing past others walking the opposite way, as well as weaving between those heading the same way as me. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to the sheer number of people in New York.

“From the family, we’ll club together and get you something useful. I am still mad at you though, for doing this without a word, and far too quickly, but––”

“I only decided after we got back to New York. And if I’d told you, you’d have told me not to do it. We would have just argued.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now, you did do it, and we have to live with it, and we’re going to make the best of it.”

I wanted to tell her about Rach’s bipolar but Mom had only just started accepting her, I didn’t want to disturb things again. Now I understood why it had taken Rach so long to tell me about her illness. When was the moment to speak of a subject which no one understood? I decided to speak as I would if I thought there was nothing to hide. Shit, was I hiding Rachel’s illness… That felt wrong, but… “Rach is having her scan this week.” I couldn’t force myself to speak. I feared how my Mom would react.

“Is she?” Mom kept her voice light. I knew she was faking her interest, but I was just glad she was trying, and it only confirmed I’d made the right decision to say nothing about Rach’s bipolar.

“I’m going to go with her.”

“That’s good of you, Jason.”

“I
want
to be there, this is going to be my child, Mom.”

“Yes, of course, darling.”

“I’m at the office now, Mom, I better go. I don’t know what to suggest for a present, I’ll speak to Rach. Maybe it’s better to leave it until we have the baby, though. We’ll need a ton of stuff then. I haven’t worked out how we’ll all fit in the apartment yet.” I laughed, but it wasn’t really funny. It was a dilemma. We could perhaps manage for a few months, but a tiny two-room apartment wasn’t a place to raise a child. “I’ll call New Year’s Eve, after the scan, and tell you how it went.” They were going to have to accept the child as well as Rachel.

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Goodbye, Jason.”

I don’t think I’d ever kept a secret from Mom before.

I put the cell in my pocket.

When I walked into the office, I smiled as Justin looked up.

“What?”

I lifted my left hand and spread my fingers wide.

“Fuck,
are you married?
How the hell did you do that?”

“Vegas.”

“You’re kidding. You’re crazy.”

Well, Rach was the crazy one. Wasn’t she. I didn’t say it. It seemed I was now trapped into this not wanting to speak of her condition, too, in case anyone judged her badly.

But that was the stupid thing. I
was
as crazy as her. She’d made me love doing rash stuff. The thing that had really made me fall for her in the beginning was her edginess,
her craziness
. I loved that she did things without thinking and just went for it.

I could understand why she didn’t want to take the medication.

But I had to remember there was a downside to her bipolar, and that there was an upside beyond what I’d known, that meant she might be dangerous to herself, or others, or the baby, if she did have an episode like that.

But I was just as afraid as her that the medication might take something away from what we had. Yet, I’d still love her. I’d always love her. She was just too embedded in my blood for that to ever change.

Justin stood up and shouted to the room. “Huh- hum! Everybody! Our new boy has some news! He’s married!”

It was an open office. Everyone on the whole floor turned. Half of them I’d never really spoken to.

The girls about us came over.

“She gave you a ring?”

“Which girl was it you married, the one from Oregon, or the one you found on the bridge?”

“The one on the bridge, I hope,” Justin answered.

“The one on the bridge,” I confirmed. “Rachel.”

“God, that’s quick.”

“They married in Vegas.” Justin threw in, as a couple of them gripped my finger looking at the gold band.
Forever mine
, Rachel’s words glowed in the gold as the sunlight shining through the window caught on it.

“That’s romantic.”

“That’s wild.”

“God, I wish someone would take me to Vegas and marry me.”

“What’s going on? Did anyone say stop working?” The editor yelled from across the room.

I turned as he came over. It wasn’t him who was the bastard. It was the guy who owned the magazine.

“I got married over the holidays, Keith.”

“Very nice. But we have a magazine to get out.”

“I need some time off on New Year’s Eve.”

“You’ve just come back.”

“Just a couple of hours in the morning. My wife’s pregnant. We’re going for a scan.”

The girls, who’d started drifting back to their desks, exclaimed at this new piece of gossip, all turning back.

“Not so romantic, then,” one of them said, before sitting back at her desk.

I’d told Justin about the baby before I’d gone away, but no one else.

“You knocked
her
up quick,” another girl said.

I caught Justin’s eye and stopped him the moment before he declared to the entire room it wasn’t mine. It
was
mine.

“You can go.” Keith grumbled, “But you better be back before lunch, otherwise you’re in big trouble. Got that?” I nodded. “We have to have everything done before Mr. Rees’s party.” I nodded again, though I’d no idea what party Keith was on about.

As Keith walked away, I sat down, and Justin grinned, looking across the desks at me. “Husband and papa all in five months of moving to New York? Bet that went down well with your folks back home.”

“Not really. What party is he on about?” Keith had spoken like I should know.

“Mr. Rees’s.”

Yeah, Keith had said that much. But Mr. Rees was the asshole, the bastard who owned the magazine––the man who was rolling in money and self-adoration, and just turned up once-in-a-while to run down the people who worked for him, telling everyone they were useless, and talentless. I still couldn’t believe he’d disparaged my idea so cruelly. The sub-editor, Hilary, had liked it. The asshole wasn’t even an editor but
he
was the reason I’d been questioning why I’d ever wanted to come to New York.

“Has nobody told you yet?” Justin said.

He knew he was the only one who told me anything.

“They haven’t, have they? I suppose it’s because you were off before Christmas. But every year, Mr. Rees throws a New Year’s Eve party, and we’re invited. You’ll get to mix with his rich friends.”

“Rach is working. She owes shifts to the people who covered her leave.”

“So? Can’t you go on your own? Or are you tied to her now? Believe me, if you don’t go, you’ll be in the dog house. Mr. Rees can’t stand being snubbed.”

Mr. Rees is an arrogant dickhead;
I wouldn’t go for his benefit. But I had nothing else to do, and I needed to start sucking up and seeking promotion if I was going to get a bigger place for Rach and the baby. I should go, if only to do a bit of self-promotion. And I could always leave before twelve, and get back to the restaurant to see the New Year in with Rach.

“Yeah, I’ll go.” God, that night was going to be torture.

~

Rach gripped my hand, really tight, as we walked into the hospital.

“You nervous?” I asked.

“Excited,” she whispered back.

We’d got another appointment booked in this hospital next week, with a consultant who was going to sort out the medication for her bipolar disorder. She’d been nervous when we’d seen the doctor about that. She’d be nervous when we came into the hospital then, and apparently her pregnancy was going to make it more awkward.

Her fingers threaded through mine. “You are, aren’t you?” She looked across at me.

I was. I didn’t know what to expect. This seemed a big deal to me.

We sat in the waiting room.

We’d talked last night about whether we wished for a girl or a boy. We’d even talked names, though we’d agreed on none.

I’d started picturing the child in my head, and us playing games together.

I imagined teaching a boy how to throw a baseball and swing a bat, or play a football tackle. I wanted a boy. But I’d love a girl, too, one who looked like Rach. Mom would be over-the-moon if we had a girl; she wouldn’t be able to resist dressing her up and showing her off.

“Mrs. Macinlay!” A nurse shouted out.

I loved hearing Rach called that. I still wasn’t used to it.

We stood and followed the woman into a room. There was a couch thing and a monitor in there, and little else.

“Loosen your clothing dear, and lie down here. Then we’ll have a look at the baby shall we?”

Rach nodded, smiling broadly and undid the button of her pencil skirt before climbing up on the bed and lying down. Once she’d lain down she pulled her top up under her breasts.

Her stomach was flat as anything, I knew the child was in there, but fuck it was deceptive. There wasn’t any sign really.

“You must have good stomach muscles,” the woman said. “Baby’s well tucked in.”

Her fingers pressed Rach’s stomach. You could see it was firm. I’d thought it was just the running, but it was probably the baby growing.

Rach’s fingers brushed my leg, searching for mine. I took her hand and smiled down at her.

She smiled at me as the woman reached for a tube of gel. “This is going to be cold.” She squirted some on Rach’s belly, and I felt a shiver run through Rach’s arm.

Then the woman placed a probe thing on top of the clear jelly like stuff and slid it around. An image appeared on the screen next to Rach. I couldn’t work out what I was seeing. I looked down at Rach.

She was biting her lip watching the screen.

“There’s your little treasure.”

Rach’s green eyes got wider.

I looked up.

The baby was curled up on its side a little. It had a fist in its mouth.

“It’s sucking its thumb,” Rach breathed, her voice full of awe.

I realized my mouth was open a little, and my eyebrows were up, and I breathed out, I’d been holding my breath. I couldn’t believe the little person I was watching.

Its legs stretched, kicking at nothing, and its arm came up, but not the one by its mouth.

“He’s got a good arm.” I whispered.

“It’s certainly active,” the woman said.

“Is it a him?” Rach asked.

The woman moved the monitor and looked to see. “I can’t really tell from the way the baby’s lying. You’ll be able to tell at your next scan. Ask then.”

I couldn’t believe how much my heart was racing. I was so glad I’d come to see this.

The woman started pointing things out on the monitor, the nose and mouth and eyes.

Wow. I was watching my child, tucked inside Rachel, and I could hear its heartbeat echoing about the room and see it on the screen.

“Can I turn my cell on and record it?”

The woman looked over and smiled at me. “No, dear, but we’ll give you a DVD.”

Something caught in my chest, wrapping about my heart, and holding it tight.

“You got family to help you out when the baby comes?” the nurse asked.

It seemed a rude question but I knew why she’d said it. I’d felt young suddenly, not twenty-two. Really, I’d just grown up, certainly I’d only just discovered who I was, and now I was going to have to bring someone else up.

Rach was only twenty-one. She hadn’t had much time to be young, either. We had to be responsible now.

“Jason has parents,” Rach said. The woman looked down at her. “His mom and dad are real nice.”

Her words only made it more obvious how useless her own mom had been.

I squeezed Rach’s hand tighter.

We were going to treat this child right, bring him up right, and make him happy. I kept thinking of the baby as a him.

“Well, everything seems in order, and the baby appears healthy,” the woman said.

Would I have loved the baby less if he hadn’t been perfect?
No
. I hadn’t even known I’d loved it, until today, but I did.

The woman switched the monitor off and I missed the baby immediately, I didn’t want to say goodbye to it.

“It looks like you’re eighteen weeks. Baby will be here the end of spring.”

Less than five months and we’d see him in the flesh. We’d have a baby.

I looked down. Rach was smiling up at me.

“Here, clean your stomach and I’ll fetch that DVD for you.” The woman had given Rach some paper towel to wipe the gel off.

“I can’t believe it,” Rach whispered once the woman had gone.

“Nor me, I’m glad I came. It’s awesome.”

She slid off the bed and hugged me. “I’m so glad you’re here. I don’t know what I’d have done on my own. I couldn’t have had the baby alone. Thank you.” She let me go, to button up her skirt.

“You don’t need to thank me, Rach.”

She looked up again and smiled. “I know,
he’s your child, and you love me..
. But I can’t help feeling glad I found you, Jason.”

When we left the hospital I kissed her goodbye outside the door. “See you later. I’ll try and get there before midnight.”