Authors: Carol Jackson
Julie & Kishore (7 page)
The
Hindi word for laugh is hasi.
It
was already dark outside that evening when my home phone rang just as I sat
down to relax after a long day.
I
rushed to pick it up instinctively knowing it would be Kishore.
“Hello,”
I answered apprehensively.
“Hello
Julie,” he shyly replied.
Surprisingly,
after our initial hesitation and nervous start the conversation flowed. We
agreed he would pick me up at one o’clock the coming Saturday afternoon.
Although to me, so far, Kishore’s accent was strong it wasn’t a barrier, just a
small obstacle. After all, he had been in New Zealand now for
more than
two years and had become accustomed to
the Kiwi accent. He was surrounded by it all day every day at work, in the
street, wherever he went in his daily life.
I
supposed it was up to me to get used to his accent.
Saturday
arrived with loaded anticipation. I tried on practically every piece of
clothing I owned. Mum popped her head around the doorway of my bedroom, seeing
the huge mound of clothes piled on the floor and my perplexity she said,
“Julie, don’t think of this as a date, imagine you’re just meeting up with a
friend.” This worked for me as the word ‘date’ was pretty daunting. Telling
myself I was merely meeting up with a friend calmed my nerves considerably.
I
finally made my decision
. I studied my
reflection in the mirror as I turned my head from side to side to see every
angle,
‘
N
ot bad' I thought,
‘Stylish yet
casual.’
M
y image stared right back at me. I was dressed in a
pair of black pants and a creamy white top. As an afterthought I tied a
khaki-green scarf loosely around my neck. I had read somewhere that red
heads
look great in green.
Kishore’s
blue Escort pulled up outside promptly on the dot of one o’clock.
In
India people are more relaxed about time, it wasn’t a big deal to be half an
hour late for an appointment. Maybe it was because of the population and
traffic, it was unrealistic to have any expectation you would arrive on time.
It could also be that people were more laid back and not so hung up on punctuality.
Kishore quickly learnt in his new country if you made an appointment at a
certain time, you had to be there at that time, on the dot. He realised in New
Zealand, everyone is always looking at the clock and life is a continuous
hustle, bustle and battle against time. If you were going to be late it was
good manners to ring and apologise.
In
India it was not uncommon to sit and chat late into the night but he had
noticed in New Zealand, everyone seemed to be asleep by ten o’clock.
I
met Kishore outside in his car, I climbed in and as the car pulled away from
the curb, I
peered
back at my house. I could see the
outline of Mum’s shadow as she stood on the other side of the net curtain at
the lounge room window. I felt her maternal gaze as we drove away.
The
chit chat soon flowed smoothly between us with no awkward silences.
“So,
tell me, Julie, how did you know?” Kishore cheekily asked.
“How
did I know what?”
“How
did you know that the beautiful khaki-green scarf you are wearing is my
absolute favourite colour?
”
This
brought a flush to my cheeks and I smiled. I turned my head and glanced out of
the window, I liked the way he said my name, with accentuation on the ‘le,’
-
‘Ju-LEE,' it was kinda cute.
Kishore
drove us to One Tree Hill, a well-known park. As we entered the gates he found
a parking spot and
we
decided to stay
seated in the privacy of his car so we could talk and get to know each other.
It was a warm afternoon, the sun was shining and as I gazed through the
windscreen I noticed there were a lot of people about enjoying the park.
Kishore started by telling me if at any time I didn’t understand his accent, I
was to say
repeat
. So far I had
experienced no trouble at all understanding him but I agreed to do this. As we
chatted, after every single sentence he said, I asked him to repeat. At first,
he did this but when he caught the cheeky grin on my face he soon learnt I was
teasing him. This was his first taste of my mischievous sense of humour.
I
allowed myself to relax. A toddler, seemingly taking her first few wobbly
steps, to the delight of her parents caught my eye. I smiled a little at the
child and what was happening between Kishore and myself. So far we were getting
on well. As I continued looking I saw
other people
enjoying the sun as they walked through the park or were playing with their
children or dogs. Kishore was saying something, I turned
my head
to listen,
he
was voicing his thoughts on dating.
His ey
es
instantly
me
t mine, he looked directly
into them, “I don’t believe in relationships
where people play games. If this works between us then I am willing to commit
to you one hundred percent.” He swivel
l
ed
his head
to look out of the window for a few
seconds,
then turned
back
to me
as
he continued, “Julie, if we are going to make a go of this then I would like to
marry you and be devoted to you only.”
The look of shock on my face did not stop him
talking, “I don’t consider having a girlfriend, just to have a girlfriend, if
you understand what I am saying. If you are the one Julie, then that is that,
it will be us together for life.”
Whoa! I was absolutely taken aback. Did this
guy just propose? Hey, I thought I only just met you. I was certainly not
thinking about marriage, it was the last thing on my mind. But as I tried to
think rationally I realised he was only trying to be straight forward and
honest with me, making his intentions clear. He needed to be sure I knew how he
felt but he didn’t understand he was coming across way to
o
strong. This was our first date, for goodness sake,
basically our first face-to-face conversation. I would have to take care not to
let this guy’s straight forward attitude scare me off.
“Well….ummm,
I think we better just see how things go between us,” I managed to reply.
When
I arrived home Mum asked me how it went.
“You
know Mum,” I answered, “I think he asked me to marry him!”
Mum
raised her eyebrows and her voice, “Marriage Julie? But you’ve only just met
him.” She then lowered her tone and added a bit more calmly, “Julie, just wait
and see, give it time.”
The
Hindi word for house is ghar.
Kishore
grew up with the tradition of arranged marriages. Over ninety percent are
arranged in the modern way, it’s widely accepted.
Thankfully,
for Kishore’s sake, his parents recognised their son was an independent soul,
he was different – a leader not a follower. He wanted his own life, his own
wife.
He
imagined if he had stayed in India, what would have happened if he had admitted
defeat, how his marital plans would have panned out. How delighted his Mum and
Dad would have been if they were given the go ahead to find a bride for him. To
be given the ‘yes’ they were hoping for from their eldest son in order to start
making plans to find a wife. His Mother and Father would take the steps to
begin the marital process.
They
would start the
arrangements
in the
traditional way and would not be able to successfully hide their satisfaction.
Once Kishore had given them the go ahead there would be no turning back. But
these days to have an arranged marriage the boy and girl are part of the whole
process (a girl and boy in India are called this until they get married
regardless of age), where the bride and groom are involved every step of the
way from getting engaged to the subsequent wedding.
His
parents did not have a modern arranged marriage - it had been traditional in
every sense of the word. They met each other only on their wedding day.
Kishore’s grandparents would have organised the whole process. His cultural
beliefs meant Kishore and his siblings had been brought up with the intention
of following this tradition
but in a more
contemporary way
.
He
always wondered in a traditional arranged marriage what the couple did once the
wedding ceremony was over, when the guests had gone and they were alone. Did
the two strangers who were now husband and wife, look at each other and say,
“How do you do?”
As Mr and Mrs they’d go through the process of
getting to know each other, discovering each other’s good and bad habits. They
would become friends first and love would follow. Kishore had experienced many
of these weddings, some in real life but these days mostly in the movies. It
was part of the bride’s role to look bashful and modest on her wedding day,
which was probably not hard for her to do since she did not know her husband to
be. She would be extremely
frightened. In
fact most of the time
the
bride looked
miserable and invariably cried. She cried while she was getting dressed in her
bridal sari, sobbed softly when taking her wedding vows and wailed loudly when
it was time to leave her family. Kishore didn’t like to see women cry - he
didn’t want this for his wife on his wedding day. He remembered hearing
snippets of conversations from relatives and older women talking of how love
comes after marriage. They said young people expected too much too soon,
especially nowadays. Their traditionally held belief was marriage comes first
then love followed.
Kishore
was all too aware of the procedure that would have taken place if he had made
the decision, if he had said, ‘yes’ to his parents to carry on with his
marriage plans. First of all they would become most excited and begin
preparations straight away. In any culture a child
’
s
wedding is a special event, especially the first and eldest son of the family.
His Mother and Father would eagerly spread the word around the local
neighbourhood asking if anyone knew of a suitable girl for their son. If no one
stepped forward with a possible match then it was time to advertise. They would
compile an advertisement which would contain Kishore’s religion, height and
qualifications. It would be printed in the bride or groom wanted section of the
newspaper and appear alongside hundreds of other
ad's
,
looking something like this:
Hindu parents looking for a suitable
match for their well-educated son. 24 years old
,
5’7” wheatish complexion. B-com,
working in an accounting firm. Good family and strong cultural values. Serious
enquiries only, (early marriage requested).
Please reply with recent photo to.
…
Over
the next few weeks hundreds of letters would arrive by post from the parents of
prospective brides. Traditionally caste was a significant part of the bride
selection. A person from a higher caste may want to but in fact should not
marry a person from a lower caste. Knowing the caste from the surname is an
important part of the match,
a
honourable family with
standing in the community is most important.
Her
parents would write a letter of introduction,
giving a detailed
description
of
their daughter and highlight her best attribute
s
. Kishore
with his Mum and
Dad would eagerly read each and every letter and scrutinise her photo, which
would also be enclosed. Her image would be captured at just the right angle, to
show her at her prettiest - perhaps she would be called Manisi or Divya.
Kishore would secretly hope while studying each photo that he would find a girl
that resembled his favourite Indian actress Padmini Kolhapure.
Once
they had all agreed a short list would be decided on.
Meetings
would then be arranged
with each girl
on the list, usually a morning or afternoon tea at the
parents
house of the prospective girl.
She, looking like a delicate flower would hide in
the kitchen - she was not to make her grand entrance until everyone was seated
in the living room. When her Mother secretly signaled her she was to carry in
the tea tray. This was her moment, her only chance to make a good first
impression. She would try while smiling sweetly at everyone and setting down
the tray,
to
sneak a sidelong glance at the boy before scuttling
back to the kitchen to giggle with her sisters. While the families talked, when
the opportunity arose the boy and girl would go outside for a little walk or
perhaps to another room for a chat.
This
process would continue with each girl on the list and after meeting each one,
Kishore’s parents would look at him eagerly hoping their son would say that
this girl is ‘the one.' The one to spark some interest inside him, the one he
had found a connection or charisma with. Of course the girl would have to feel
the same way.
Once
mutual attraction was evident he would be permitted to go out on a few dates
with her, permissible only with a chaperone present – an Aunt, Grandma or
younger brother or sister. If, at this stage, Kishore and the girl decided they
were right for each other an astrologer would be consulted. E
ach of them would give
him their place, time and date
of birth and the man would consult his charts to see if the couple were
compatible for a long and happy life together. If the charts were not
advantageous
, that would be the end of the
relationship. Alternatively, either side could back out at any time. But no
matter what was decided there would be no forced marriage.
Once
the couple were given the go ahead by the astrologer an engagement or ring
ceremony takes place. The bride and groom, in front of family and friends
exchange rings and officially announce their plans to marry, an extravagant
party would follow. This would be the first time the couple meet with extended
family and friends so
the bride-to-be and groom-to-be dress to impress.
Kishore knew from the many weddings he had
attended that wedding arrangements are an extremely extravagant affair.
However, planning cannot take place until the astrologer is once again called
to consult his charts and pick an auspicious date for the wedding to take
place. If this date is not agreeable then the couple will have to wait until
the next favourable date which could be months or even years away.
If money is no object the wedding would be a
magnificent affair as with western nuptials. In India, thousands of people can
attend a wedding, with the ceremony and partying lasting days, sometimes a
week, the more OTT, ‘over the top’ the better. Love marriages do happen but
they’re few and far between, although as time goes by love marriages become
more popular.
Kishore knew he didn’t want an arranged
wedding for himself. He was a complete romantic at heart. He wanted love, the
kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat, the kind of love he had seen in
movies. The hand on heart kind of love when a man and woman look deep into each
other’s eyes and know they’re meant to be together.
Kishore also knew he wouldn’t find that kind
of devotion in an arranged marriage. He wanted to meet a woman and fall in love
the western way. He wanted a woman who would love him for himself.
