Junie B. Jones and Her Big Fat Mouth (3 page)

When I went back inside, Ollie was still very screaming.

That’s ’cause Mother couldn’t find his pacifier.

Pacifiers are what babies like to suck on. Except I don’t know why. ’Cause one time I sucked on Ollie’s. And it tasted like my red sneakers.

Just then Mother runned out of Ollie’s room.

And her hair was very sticking out.

And her clothes were all wrinkly.

And she was wearing one sock, and that’s all.

“WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS THE PACIFIER? IT JUST DIDN’T DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR, YOU KNOW!” she hollered very loud.

Then me and Daddy had to help Mother look for the pacifier speedy quick. ’Cause she was losing her grip, I think.

I looked in the couch. That’s because sometimes if you push your hand way under the cushions, you can find some good stuff under there.

This time I found three Cheetos and a popcorn.

They were very delicious.

After that, I looked under Daddy’s big chair. Only it was too dark to see under there. And so I runned to get the flashlight. ’Cause I learned about flashlights in school, remember?

Flashlights are fun to shine in the dark. I shined it in the dark closet. And also down the dark basement steps.

Then I remembered another dark place. And its name was screaming Ollie’s room. ’Cause his shades were pulled down for his nap, that’s why.

I runned right there very fast.

“Look,” I said to screaming Ollie. “I’ve got a flashlight.”

I shined it on his ceiling.

“See? See that little round circle of shine up there?” I said.

Then I shined it on his jungle wallpaper.

“And see the monkeys, Ollie? And the hippo-pot-of-something?” I asked him.

Only screaming Ollie just kept right on screaming. And he didn’t show courtesy to me.

Courtesy
is the school word for listening very polite.

That’s how come I shined it right in his big fat crying mouth.

Except for just then a problem happened. And it’s called Mother sneaked up on me in her quiet sock.

“JUNIE B. JONES! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” she hollered.

I did a gulp. Then my heart got very pumpy. Because I was in big trouble, that’s why.

“I’m shinin’,” I said real soft.

“OUT!” she said. “OUT RIGHT NOW!”

And so that’s how come I started to leave. Except for then the flashlight shined on the floor. And I saw something very wonderful down there.

“HEY! LOOK! IT’S THE PACIFIER!” I shouted. “I FOUND THE PACIFIER! IT WAS HIDING UNDER THE ROCKING CHAIR!”

Then I hurried to pick it up. And I gave it to Mother.

Her face got relief on it.

“Thank goodness,” she said.

“Yes. Thank goodness,” I said back.

Mother wiped the pacifier off. Then she blowed on it very hard.

“Yeah, only you can’t blow germs off,
you know,” I said. “’Cause stuff that’s been on the ground is very dangerous.”

And so then Mother gave me the pacifier. And I washed it off with soap and water.

And guess what? Then I put it right in Ollie’s mouth. And he stopped crying!

Mother looked proud of me.

“Where did you get so smart?” she asked.

“At school, that’s where,” I said.

Then all of a sudden my eyes got big and wide. ’Cause a very great idea popped right inside of my head!

“HEY! I THOUGHT OF IT!” I hollered. “I THOUGHT OF WHAT I CAN BE FOR JOB DAY!”

Then I jumped up and down. And I runned down the hall.

Daddy was in his chair reading the paper.

I busted through it with my head.

“I THOUGHT OF IT! I THOUGHT OF WHAT KIND OF JOB I CAN BE WHEN I GROW UP!”

Daddy said, “Slow down,” to me. That’s because he didn’t know what the heck I was talking about, of course.

“Yeah, only I can’t slow down,” I explained. “’Cause I’m very celebrating! And now I don’t have tension in me anymore!”

Just then Mother came into the room.

“What’s all the excitement about?” she said.

I clapped my hands together. “I have a ’nouncement, that’s what it’s all about!” I said real happy.

“Well, what is it?” said Mother. “Tell us!”

And so then I stood up straight and tall.

And I told Mother and Daddy the name of the job I’m going to be when I grow up!

“That’s a good one, right?” I said very excited. “That’s the bestest job you ever heard of, isn’t it?”

Except for Mother and Daddy didn’t answer me. They just kept on looking and looking at each other.

Then Daddy did a funny smile.

And Mother said the word
ho boy
.

I couldn’t sleep for the whole weekend. That’s because I had tingling excitement in me about Job Day. And my brain wouldn’t settle down.

And so on Monday, I zoomed to the bus stop very fast.

“Look, Mr. Woo!” I said to my bus driver. “Look what I’m wearing today!”

Then I opened my jacket and I showed him my job clothes.

“See? It’s nice pants. And dangling keys. And a paintbrush,” I said. “Except for I can’t
tell you what I am, ’cause it’s my special secret.”

Then I plopped down in my seat. And me and Mr. Woo drove to the next corner.

That’s where my bestest friend Grace got on.

She was wearing Mickey Mouse ears and a dress with red and white polka dotties on it!

“Grace!” I said very smiling. “You look very beautiful in that dotty thing.”

“I know it,” she said. “That’s because I changed my mind about who I’m going to be when I grow up. Now I’m going to be Minnie instead of Mickey.”

Then I stopped smiling. And my stomach felt very sickish inside again.

’Cause that meant Minnie Mouse was a fake too.

“Disneyland is a fib,” I said.

After that, the bus stopped again. And William got on.

He was wearing a Superman outfit. Except he had a W on the front of him. And not the letter S.

“The W stands for William,” he said to Mr. Woo.

“Does that mean you can fly?” asked Mr. Woo.

Then William grinned very big. And he held out his arms. And he jumped way high in the air.

Except for he didn’t fly.

And so he just sat down.

After that, other kids got on the bus, too.

And Roger had on keys just like me. And also plastic handcuffs.

And Charlotte was wearing a red paint apron with some watercolors in the pocket.

And that mean Jim was wearing a white bathrobe.

“Hey! I’ve got a bathrobe just like that, Jim!” I said very friendly.

“It’s not a bathrobe, dummy,” he said. “I’m a kung fu karate guy.”

“Jim is a kung fu karate guy,” I said to Grace. “Except for he just got out of the bathtub.”

Then me and her laughed and laughed. ’Cause that was a funny joke, of course.

And Job Day was going to be the funnest day in the whole wide world!

When I got off the bus, I zoomed to Room Nine. That’s because I wanted Job Day to start very quick.

Only first we had to take attendance.

And then we had to say
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands
.

Except I don’t know what that dumb story is even talking about.

Then finally Mrs. clapped her loud hands together.

And guess what? Job Day started, that’s what!

“Boys and girls, you all look wonderful in your outfits!” Mrs. said. “I can’t wait to learn what all of you want to be when you grow up! Who would like to go first?”

“I WOULD! I WOULD!” I yelled out.

Only then my bestest friend Lucille raised her hand very polite. And she got to go first.

Lucille looked the most beautifulest I’ve ever seen her.

She was wearing a new dress that her nanna bought for her. It was the color of pink velvet.

Also she had on shiny pink shoes. And socks with bows and lace on them.

Lucille’s nanna is loaded, I think.

Lucille went to the front of the room. She reached into a little bag and pulled out a sparkling crown with jewels on it!

Then all of Room Nine said, “Oooooh.”

Except for not the boys.

“When I grow up, I’m going to marry a prince,” she said. “And I’ll be a princess. And my name will be Princess Lucille.”

Then she put the sparkling crown on her head. And she looked like a fairy tale guy.

Mrs. smiled. “That’s a lovely thought, Lucille,” she said.

“I know,” said Lucille. “My nanna says if you marry a prince, you’re set for life.”

After that, Lucille said her dress costed eighty-five. And her shoes costed forty-five. And her lacy socks costed six fifty plus tax.

Then Mrs. told Lucille to sit down.

Ricardo went next.

He was wearing a round yellow hat. It was the kind of hat you can bang on.

“This is called a hard hat,” he said. “You have to wear it when you’re building tall buildings. Or else somebody might drop a hammer from way up high. And it could hit you on the head and kill you.”

Mrs. smiled. “So you’re interested in construction, right, Ricardo?” she asked.

But Ricardo just kept on talking about other stuff that could fall on your head and kill you. Like a paint can. And an electric drill. And a lunchbox.

Then Mrs. said, “Sit down,” to him, too.

That’s when William raised his hand. Only he was being very bashful. And he wouldn’t go to the front of the room.

“You don’t have to be nervous, William,” said Mrs. “Just tell us what you want to be when you grow up.”

William covered his face with his hands.

“Super William,” he said very quiet.

Then he got out of his seat. And he jumped way high in the air. Only his cape got tangled up in his chair. And he crashed into the table.

After that, Super William got very sniffling. And Mrs. said we would get back to him later.

Then lots of other kids talked about their jobs.

Like a boy named Clifton is going to be a rich and famous astronaut.

And a girl named Lily is going to be a rich and famous movie star. And also she wants to direct.