Keeping Secrets (19 page)

Hettie giggled. ‘No he won't.'

‘He might. People do funny things in hot weather.'

‘I'll come and chop
his
head off,' said Annie.

‘Thank you, Annie, you're very loyal.' He looked at his watch, swallowing tea. ‘I must go. I'll leave you all to your disgusting chocolate ricey-pops …' He got up, kissing the tops of their heads. ‘Bye, horrible children. See you this evening.'

‘Bye.'

‘What time will you be back?' asked Alice, following him through to the kitchen with the dripping cloth.

‘Should be in time for supper, I'm only in court this morning. Supposedly. If it goes on till the afternoon and I have to stay late I'll ring.'

‘I should think it's awful in court at the moment, isn't it?'

‘Unspeakable. I feel as if I'm in Indiah, like something out of Forster, with the fans whirring away, and everyone hot and grumpy.' He pulled on his jacket and kissed her. ‘Still – there's always you to come home to. What have you got in store for the day?'

‘Swimming,' said Alice, with an ear to raised voices in the garden. ‘What else? I'll think of you.'

‘Thanks.' He went out past the bikes in the hall to the front door, and Alice returned to the garden, where Annie was crying.

‘Now what?'

‘She's being silly,' said Hettie. ‘Just because I wouldn't let her spread her own marmalade.'

‘Well, of course she can spread her own marmalade, why ever not?'

‘She might cut herself.'

‘Oh, Hettie, don't be such a prig. She's not using a carving knife, is she? Come on, Annie, that's enough, here you are. And later on we're going to have a swim, okay?'

By the time they had dressed, and walked slowly up to the pool with their swimming things, the pavements were already baking.

‘Can we go to the playground afterwards?'

‘Not if it's like this.'

‘Please.'

‘We'll see.'

Everyone they knew was in the pool. Hettie and Annie bobbed up and down in their armbands at the shallow end, shouting to friends from school and playgroup. Alice, in her pale blue and white striped swimsuit, sat on the edge, her hair tied up in a knot.

‘Watch this, Mummy!'

Hettie clambered out and ran round to the slide. She went headfirst down into the water, fearless, and came up smiling.

‘It's lovely!'

‘I want to do that,' said Annie, tugging at Alice's leg.

‘Well, go on then.'

‘You come in and catch me.'

‘In a minute.' She swished her feet back and forth through the water, watching the people come and go. Outside, on the terrace beyond glass doors, the oiled bodies of childless sunbathers were flattened on towels beneath the dazzling sky; mothers, and a sprinkling of fathers, sat up with plastic cups of coffee, keeping watch as toddlers in sunhats ran about. Beside Alice, child after child dropped into the water, and the swimming pool attendants, perched loftily on diving boards, or sitting with tanned legs drawn up on the wall at the side, chewed gum, yawning.

Alice watched two pregnant women, clearly expecting their first babies, since no other child was in evidence, swim carefully up and down the length of the pool, dodging the children as they came up here, dodging the big boys diving and yelling down at the deep end. After two or three lengths they stopped, and sat on the side, smoothing the water from their faces, laughing. They looked fit and relaxed, skin glowing, eyes, even after the chlorine, clear and bright. Did I look like that? Alice wondered. I felt like it, at least with Hettie – even with Annie, though I was tired, there was always that glorious sense of having everything settled and in place, of looking forward, without actually having to do anything. The future was mine, I knew what I was about. Before I met Tony – even afterwards, until I was pregnant with Hettie – the future was like a black curtain; I'd do anything to avoid thinking about it. I did do anything, I did too much. I wish –

‘Mummy! Come
in
!'

‘Sorry, Annie, I was miles away. All right, I'm coming now.'

She slipped into the water and stood at the bottom of the slide, holding out her arms. Annie lay down at the top.

‘Come on, then.'

‘I'm coming.'

She stretched herself out, arms in orange bands pointing down, but didn't move. Behind her stood Hettie and a line of other children, coming up the steps, who fidgeted and began to push.

‘Annie – it's all right, I'm here.'

‘I'm scared.'

‘Well, turn round, then. Hettie, move back a bit, so she can turn.'

‘I can't, there's too many behind me. Oh, go on, Annie, it's
easy
!'

‘I can't!'

‘Oh, go on, you silly baby.' And Hettie, pushed from behind, leaned forwards and gave Annie a shove, so that she came down with a whoosh, out of control, and plunged into the water, screaming.

‘Hettie!' said Alice sharply, and quickly scooped up Annie and hugged her. ‘There, sweetie, there you are, you did it.' She moved away from the slide as Hettie shot down with a splash.

‘She pushed me,' Anne spluttered. ‘She
pushed
me.'

‘Someone was pushing
me,
' said Hettie, bobbing up beside them. ‘You have to
move
, Annie.'

‘Go away,' Annie put her wet head on Alice's shoulder, sulking.

‘You shouldn't have done that, Hettie,' Alice said. ‘You must never push, it's dangerous.'

‘But she was being so
slow
!'

‘I know, but even so.'

‘Sorry.' And Hettie, who had learned to swim this summer, swam away, towards Rachel, who was in her class and had just arrived.

‘Do you want to try again?' Alice asked Annie.

‘No.'

‘Perhaps in a little while.' She took her to the side and sat with her on her lap, rocking her to and fro. It's just like Hilda and me, she thought. I dithered about, afraid of everything, while Hilda just got on and did it, and grew tired of me. She was my father's child, clever and purposeful; I was my mother's, pretty and useless. When she died I was bereft; when Daddy died I hardly registered – well, I had Tony by then.

‘All right now?' she asked Annie, leaning against the wet head.

‘Mmm.'

Across the pool the two pregnant women she'd noticed earlier had got up, and were walking slowly towards the changing rooms. Again she thought: how well they look, graceful and steady – not like Hilda, who was looking so tired last week. Hilda, who never wanted children, who when we were young didn't seem to want anyone, and made her career while I made a mess of things – I still can't believe she's doing this. But of course she has gone about it the way she's always done things: planned it, presented it to us as a
fait accompli
, no discussion, no questions, thank you. Who knows if she's given this baby a thought, really, about whether it might mind not having a father around? I suppose she thinks Stephen will leave his wife in the end. Perhaps he will, perhaps she'll organise that, too.

‘Hello, Alice.'

‘Oh, hello.'

Rachel's mother, brisk and thin in a black swimsuit, came out of the pool and sat down beside her. Alice smiled, because she felt she should, although Yvonne always made her feel uncomfortable.

‘How are you?' she asked.

‘Oh, fine.' Yvonne was always fine. ‘And how's Annie?' She leaned over, and Annie, predictably, turned away, thumb in mouth. ‘Not very bright today?'

‘She's had a bit of a fright,' said Alice, on the defensive. ‘Hettie pushed her on the slide.'

‘Oh, dear.' In two syllables Yvonne somehow managed to indicate both that Rachel would never push, and that she never took fright, either. Alice held Annie close, and felt protected.

‘You couldn't just keep an eye on Rachel for me?' Yvonne was, asking. ‘I'm dying for a proper swim.'

‘Yes, yes, of course. That's fine.'

‘Thanks.' She slipped down into the water again, calling loudly: ‘I'm going for a swim, Rachel! Alice is here.'

‘Okay.' Rachel, deep in a game with Hettie, gave a half-wave, barely noticing, and Yvonne set off with strong determined strokes towards the deep end.

‘Shall we go back in the pool now?' Alice asked Annie. ‘We can have a game if you like.'

‘All right.' Annie, cheered, slid off her lap. ‘You're a whale and I'm a shrimp, and you have to catch me.' She clambered down the steps and began to walk through the water, trying to find a space between the little knots of splashing children.

‘Here I come!' said Alice, with half an eye on Rachel and Hettie. ‘Look out!'

Annie shrieked.

‘I'm-coming-to-get-you!'

‘No, no!'

But she was laughing, and begging, when she was caught, to do it again.

‘Catch us, too!' shouted Hettie, waving with Rachel. ‘Bet you can't.'

‘Bet I can.'

But the pool was too full to play properly, and Alice found herself knocking into babies, held in their mothers'arms. ‘Sorry.' She pushed towards Annie again. ‘Where's that little shrimp?'

‘Gosh,' said Yvonne, coming up beside her. ‘You are having fun. I usually just leave Rachel to get on with it.' Alice's children were clearly over-indulged. ‘Do you want to go and have a swim now? I'll watch them.'

Alice shook her head. ‘No, it's all right, thanks.'

‘Oh, go on, they'll be fine.'

‘It's only Annie …'

‘She'll be all right! Look at her.'

Hettie and Rachel were towing her through the water, holding an arm each; Annie was obviously loving it.

‘Okay, then, thank you,' said Alice. ‘I'll just do a couple of lengths – I won't tell Annie I'm going.'

‘She's very clingy, isn't she? You stay as long as you like.'

Alice waited until two small boys with floats pushed across in front of her, and began to swim towards the deep end. I'm sorry Annie's so clingy, she rehearsed to Yvonne, it must be my fault.

The water was cool and green and crowded. A length was always sectioned off with rope for learners and serious swimmers, but Alice, who was neither, had never used it. Now, feeling upset and cross – with Yvonne, and with herself, for not being able to laugh her off – she wanted everyone out of the way. She moved over, ducking under the rope, and with a good stretch of water ahead began to swim in a soothing, regular rhythm, reached the far end, turned, and came back again, breathing steadily. By the time she was halfway up the pool she was already feeling calmer, Yvonne's breezy comments on the girls forgotten. She smiled at a woman she knew from playgroup, also swimming alone; she could see the girls ahead of her, Hettie being the whale; she would do two more lengths, then take them home for lunch.

If this were last summer, she thought, reaching the shallow end and turning back, this day would feel quite ordinary: swimming, making lunch, pottering about with the children, taking things slowly, feeling good. This year, ever since I've known about Hilda's baby, nothing has felt quite right. It's opened up the past, it's made me raw again. This is my sister, the woman to whom I might have expected to be closer than any other, whose baby I should be welcoming with love, and all I can do is feel taken over by sadness, and envy, and regret for something she knows nothing about. For when I was living in Oxford, and found myself pregnant by God knows who but probably Tom, who was married, I thought I wasn't fit to have a child, not on my own. And I had
my
baby, my first, darling baby aborted, sucked out and washed down a drain. It was over in half an hour, it happened eight years ago, and now I have two daughters: it makes no difference. It's going to be with me for the rest of my life.

By the time Tony came home in the evening the girls were already in their nightdresses, swinging bare feet under the garden table, eating apples. It was almost eight, still very warm, the sun going down behind the houses which backed on to theirs and the smell of a barbecue drifting over from three or four gardens down.

‘Where've you
been?
' asked Hettie. ‘We're having our pudding.'

‘Lucky you, I haven't had a bite since lunchtime.' Tony flopped on to the seat beside her. ‘I am dead.'

‘I'm sorry we didn't wait,' said Alice, putting a plate of cold ham in front of him. ‘What do you want to drink?'

‘Anything. Beer. Is there any beer?'

‘I'll get it,' said Annie, slipping off the bench. ‘Let me.'

‘You'll drop it,' said Hettie.

‘No she won't, and anyway, it's just a can, isn't it?' said Alice, sitting down beside Tony. ‘Hettie, you must stop being so bossy.'

‘I'm not.'

‘You are a bit.'

‘Here you are, Daddy,' said Annie, coming out again. ‘It's very cold.'

‘Wonderful. Thanks, Annie.'

‘Can I pull the ring off?'

‘If you like.'

‘But be careful,' said Alice. ‘You know what they're like, those cans.'

‘I can
do
it.'

‘Now you're being bossy,' Hettie said to Alice.

‘That's enough.'

‘Do you lot go on like this all day?' asked Tony mildly. ‘All right, Annie, very good, don't shake it, shall I just –'

‘I can
do
it!' Annie pulled the can sharply towards her, and yanked again at the ring. With a hiss it was suddenly off, and then a foaming jet of beer was whooshing everywhere.

‘
Annie
!' said Hettie.

‘I couldn't help it, I couldn't help it, it was an accident, I'm all
wet
!' Annie howled, as Tony grabbed the can and upended it into his glass.

‘Never mind, so am I,' he said, wiping his trousers with the back of his hand, and took a long drink. ‘Ah, that's better. I should have known not to wear any clothes at all, shouldn't I? Mealtimes are a hazardous business with you around, Annie. What was it this morning, milk? Or was that yesterday?'