Read Let Me Tell You Something Online
Authors: Caroline Manzo
Let Me Tell You Something (6 page)
I cook every Sunday at home, and now when I go to visit the boys in Hoboken, Christopher loves to cook for me. When he's cooking, he always texts me pictures of whatever he's making or he'll call me and ask for a recipe and I'll talk him through it. He has inherited my love of cooking, and that makes me so happy.
Food is one of the best ways for me to connect with my family and my past. Think about itâyou're sitting in your kitchen and you smell something cooking; you close your eyes, and suddenly, you're twelve again. The smells can take you back to wonderful places. I can be transported to my mother's kitchen in my childhood by the smells of Thanksgiving dinner cooking in the oven. The smells that I remember from my grandmother's kitchen are going to be the same smells that my grandchildren grow up with.
Food is tradition, food is love. Nothing is better for bringing a bunch of strangers together than a nice home-cooked meal and a cocktail.
Listen, I'm not saying you have to slave over a stove for hours every day. If you're busy and you need to heat up frozen dinners for your kids, that's your prerogative. Just make it special. If you're microwaving a store-bought meal for your kids, involve them in it. Let them poke the holes in the plastic, serve it to them on a funny plate. Always approach food in ways that shows your kids that you care.
BEHIND THE SCENES
I treat my crew like guests in my home. I tell them to pretend they live there too. They don't have Porta Potties, they use my bathrooms. They're welcome to help themselves to the fridge. We don't have catering, but they're all so self-sufficient, they always bring stuff to eat even when I've told them it's not necessary. If I'm cooking, I'll cook for them. If I order pizza, I order for them. It's starting to sink inâfinally, they've stopped asking if they can get a cookie, and they're all helping themselves to my leftovers. I wouldn't have it any other wayâthese people work so hard, we could never do the show without them and they don't get enough credit.
When Albie was young, I would make him a sandwich that he loved. He called it a Specialty. It was just three slices of white bread with peanut butter spread in between. He would come home from school and say,
Mom, please make me a Specialty
. And then when he was nine or ten, he decided that he would make Specialties for everyone. Even now, at twenty-six years of age, if I offered Albie a Specialty, he'd say,
Oh my God, yeah!
This sandwich is one of the easiest meals you can make, but because we named it and treated it like something more special than it was, it has become a family food tradition with my kids.
I get a lot of mail from women who say they don't know how to cook, or they just can't cook.
MY SIGNATURE RECIPES
Every person should have their own signature gravy or sauce that they develop over the years. It should be custom-tailored to your taste, and you should guard the recipe. I love making my sauce, and while I change it up from time to time, here's the basic recipeâuse this as a springboard to create your own personalized sauce!
Sunday Gravy
Olive oil for browning meat (about 4 to 5 tablespoons)
8 cloves garlic, crushed
1 small onion, chopped
2 pounds Italian sausage (I use 1 pound sweet, 1 pound hot)
3 veal neck bones
3 pork bones (ribs are fine)
1 beef braciole (recipe below)
3 28-oz. cans crushed or whole tomatoes
2 6-oz. cans tomato paste
1½ cups red wine
Handful of fresh basil leaves or 3 bay leaves (your choice)
Salt and pepper
In a large pot simmer the olive oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and onion and sauté for about a minute, but don't let it burn! Add the sausage, bones, and braciole. Let meat simmer for a bit and turn until all sides are browned, about 5 minutes.
Add the tomatoes along with the tomato paste to the pot and simmer for about 10 to15 minutes; we want to blend all the flavors. Once the sauce begins to bubble a bit, turn down the heat and add the wine.
Add the basil/bay leaves, and salt and pepper, to taste, keeping the pot on low heat, stirring occasionally. We don't want the sauce to stick to the pot and burn. Let the sauce simmer for about 2½ hours.
Though I throw some meatballs in midway so they absorb all the flavors of the gravy, I do keep a fair number out too, since Al and the kids like them fried without sauce.
Once the sauce is done, remove from the heat and discard the bones. Serve over pasta of your choice. Get yourself some good grated cheese and Italian bread and enjoy!
Braciole
Lean beef slicesâbuy one flank steak and slice it into thin pieces
1 cup grated Locatelli Pecorino-Romano or Parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper, to taste
5 cloves garlic, minced
½ cup fresh chopped parsley
Lay the beef slices out on a cutting board. Sprinkle with the grated cheese, salt and pepper, garlic, and parsley.
Roll up each beef slice and secure with string or toothpick to create a bunch of little beef roll-ups.
I say
bullshit
. Everyone can cook one thing well; you just haven't figured it out yet. Think about your favorite dish that your mom made for you. I bet it wasn't anything fancy. It was probably her spaghetti or her cupcakes or cookies. It might have even been something frozen that she heated and served her own way. You don't have to be a chef to make your family some food that they love. Trust me, they will love you for making even something very simple for them. It's the process of cooking, putting love and care into it, as much as the end result, that draws us closer to our families.
Ask Caroline
Caroline! Help! My mother-in-law can't cook, and it's our tradition that we always spend Thanksgiving at her house. Nobody eats their food, it's so awful. I tried talking to my husband about having it at our house, or even for us to arrive early so I can help her cook, and my husband said no! My husband says Thanksgiving isn't all about the food, but I don't think I can do this every year. How can I bring up her bad cooking without causing conflict with my husband?
Sorry, I'm with your husband. Your mother-in-law can't cook? So what? It's just one day a year, and it's clearly important to her, and to your husband. The holidays are about so much more than the food.
However, if you have a good relationship with his mom, you could offer to get there early and help, and make it seem like something fun that you'd like to do with her. You could also offer to bring some dishes with you as additions to the meal. But if any of these suggestions cause insult or hurt to your mother-in-law, drop them immediately.
Bottom line is this: it's only one day a year. It's not going to kill you. Look at the bigger picture and deal with it.
Big families are tough,
and I haven't even begun
to figure them out.
My family is insane, and I love it. Today we are eleven middle-aged adults with lives of our own, but in many ways, we are still the same kids we always were, and things are still as complex and strange as ever.
I marvel at how each one of us has had such a unique experience growing up in the very same household. It's amazing how differently we perceive our childhoods. There were eleven kids in one house, but if you talk to each of us, you'll get eleven different versions of our upbringing. Quite often, when we get together and start reminiscing, it won't be long before we get to bickering! “Are you nuts?” someone will say. “That's not how it was!”
My parents were very strict and we had to do our own work around the house. The brothers had to take care of the outside of the houseâpainting, yard work, constructionâand the girls had to take care of the inside. And one of my sisters talks about it as if we were slaves. If you ask me or some other sisters, we remember it as fun, that we enjoyed all hanging out and doing our chores together. When I was sixteen, we moved to a gorgeous mansion on a lake with thirty-five rooms. We grew up in an 18,000-square-foot home with an amazing pool. We lived a very nice life and were in no way servants. But as I've learned, that's just my view of things, and that doesn't make it the absolute truth!
I look at my own three kids, who were raised in the same house with the same parents. Their values are the same, but they're completely unique people. That's what I learned from being in a big family: that you'll share core beliefs, but everyone is an individual. I'm thankful for that lesson. From a young age I became accustomed to accepting different opinions and different behaviors, and it's a skill that has served me well throughout my life. My siblings range nineteen years in age, from forty to fifty-nine. So many different thoughts and perspectives in the same house.
Ask Caroline
Caroline, as a member of a huge family I need your help! I'm visiting my boyfriend's family for the first time. He is one of ten kids, ranging from twelve to twenty-eight years old. My mother taught me to never turn up empty-handed, but how do I bring something that appeals to everyone? And do I bring a separate hostess gift for the mother? Help!
I agree with your mom, but you're taking it to an unnecessary level. You are in no way obligated to bring gifts for the whole family, and I'd be willing to bet that nobody expects you to.
A bouquet of flowers, a favorite cake or cookies, or something thoughtful like that are more than adequate as a hostess gift. Anything more than that will likely make your boyfriend and his family uncomfortable.
It was never calm in our house. You'd have a war with one sister and another would become your ally. The next week, the roles would reverse. It kept me nimble, and it really taught me never to hold a grudge with family. I learned the skills of negotiating, of fighting right and of making peace. I had to find my way through complex shit every day, and it made me who I am.
The family dynamic was always evolving and changingâat first my sisters were my best friends and my brothers were my protectors, later on my brothers became my friends as my sisters went off and got friends their own ageâbut even with the changes somehow it also always stayed the same. We were the Lauritas, and that was that. Our family made sense to us, and that was all that mattered.
Once my siblings started to marry and we had to add brothers- and sisters-in-law, and then nieces and nephews, it became even more complex. They all fell into the same routines, the cliques just got bigger, and the dynamic got more complicated, but it's wonderful and has been a true blessing.
Ask Caroline
Hi Caroline, I have a troublesome relationship with my sister. We are very different people, with little in common. I feel pressured from other family members to be close to her and come to her aid whenever required, at the cost of any situation I may be experiencing. Is it selfish to want to cut ties in an attempt at self-preservation?
I'm sure you've heard the saying “You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.” We live in a society that suggests that we should automatically get along and live a fairy-tale existence within the family dynamic. That couldn't be further from the truth. The simple fact is although you may be related by blood, it doesn't necessarily mean your personalities will blendâafter all, we're only human. You have the right to your feelings, and a relationship between two people should never be expected or demanded by anyone.
Although you may not have anything in common with your sister, I'm sure you love her, and if push came to shove and she really needed you, I imagine you'd be there for her. Having said that, it doesn't mean you need to be her doormat. As an adult you get to choose the people you have relationships with and spend time with.
I'm sure there is a fair amount of guilt regarding your parents and extended family members, but if you have tried to overcome any issues you have with your sister and you just don't click, then stop beating yourself up, get over the guilt. We live in a fast-paced world, so use your time and emotions effectively. Don't overthink things and bring undue stress upon the situation.
When you are with your sister. be civil, have a conversation, and show respect. Take one day at a time and have no greater expectations than getting through each meeting without confrontation.
Bottom line is you need to be
you
and live your life in a way that suits you. As long as you are not adding wood to the fire, your parents should respect your decision to live your life free of stress.
For all of the ups and downs of a large family, I wouldn't trade it for the world. To be fifty-one and have all ten siblings and both parents alive and healthy, all talking to each other and with a deep bond between us, makes me the luckiest person on earth. Just don't ask my siblingsâyou'll get a completely different story!
Never compare the kids
One lesson I took from growing up with so many siblings that I have applied to my own parenting is to never compare my kids to each other. The worst thing I ever heard when I was little was,
Why can't you be more like your sister?
It's a horrible thing to say to a kid who's trying to establish her own identity.
There's no such thing as
a perfect Christmas.
Every year when Christmas rolls around the madness begins,
crap, I have so much to do, I have to fight the crowds, I have to buy the food, I have to buy the presents, I have to wrap the presents, I have to decorate the house.
But I see all of this as part of the fun and find ways to make every aspect of the holidays enjoyable. I wouldn't trade the insanity for the world (then again, maybe I'm a little crazy). My love for that one holiday blinds me to the stress of it. I think of Christmas the way I think of childbirthâit's insanely stressful and painful, but the minute the hard part is over, you forget it immediately and it was all worth it.
