Linda Ford (11 page)

How could she be so foolish to love a man who didn’t love her back? She wondered if he knew how to love without being in charge. She slipped inside and prepared for bed then opened the book she’d chosen and forced herself to read the words.

❧

Hannah sat at the table with Jake, Mrs. Sperling, Audrey, her family, and Pastor Rawson. Last night she’d finally fallen asleep once she’d made her mind up to avoid being alone with Jake. How else was she to make it through Sunday without her emotions getting all knotted up?

So far she’d been successful. Jake hadn’t joined them at breakfast. His mother said he’d gone to speak with some of the crew, so Hannah enjoyed a visit with Mrs. Sperling.

She managed to get Luke and Sammy on either side of her at the church. Audrey and Harvey had followed her into the pew, leaving no room for Jake. He sat behind them.

Hannah caught glimpses of him as they stood to sing. She continued to be aware of him and wondered if she would ever not feel his presence, whether he stood close or rode miles away.

It had been a beautiful service in a beautiful building, and she tried not to picture herself coming down the aisle with the light catching the threads of a shimmering veil. She’d had to close her eyes and pray for strength to keep herself from seeing Jake in a black suit waiting for her at the front.

She concentrated hard on the sermon. She knew it had been sent straight from God’s heart to hers when Pastor Rawson read the text. “The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak.” As Pastor Rawson talked about how flesh warred against spirit, desiring things that were temporary, tempting the believer to settle for momentary pleasure, Hannah vowed to stick to her principles. She would keep the vow she’d made to her father, a vow given at his graveside. Even though he hadn’t heard it, she had meant it. She’d promised to live up to his expectations. She would not compromise her independence. Not for the joy of living on this ranch. Not for the sight of Jake every day. Not for the hope his feelings would grow into love. Unless he accepted her as she wanted, there was no place for her here.

Pastor Rawson accompanied them home for supper, as apparently was his custom. Audrey, Harvey, and the boys joined them, too, so the conversation jumped from one topic to another. Audrey tried to keep the boys quiet, but after Sammy spilled his cake on the floor and Luke tipped over his third glass of milk, Audrey stood. “I think it’s time to take this pair home and let them run off steam. Boys, say good-bye to Hannah.”

Hannah hugged the pair, received two sticky kisses, and said good-bye to Audrey and Harvey.

As Sarie cleaned away the dishes, Mrs. Sperling glanced at Jake. “I’d like to speak to the pastor alone.”

Hannah pushed back her chair. “I’ll go up to my room and read.”

“Nonsense,” Mrs. Sperling said. “It’s far too pleasant an evening to be cooped up indoors. Jake, take her for a walk.”

“My pleasure.” Jake slowly got to his feet, his gaze never leaving Hannah’s face. She tried to look away, to pretend she didn’t see the promise in his eyes. She couldn’t any more than she could pull the stars from the sky or deflect the sun from its journey from east to west. Nor did she want to. She wanted the fulfillment of the promise in his rich brown eyes—a look, she felt certain, was full of love.

They walked side by side, talking of everything and nothing—the color of the sky, the sound of the breeze, the boys’ mischief, the beauty of their surroundings. They passed the church and sat on a fallen tree.

“How do you like my ranch?” Jake asked.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Does it live up to your expectations?”

“It exceeds them. I never could have imagined a place could seem to be so much a part of the land, like one exists for the other.” She ducked her head. “Now I’m being silly.”

He took her hand. “I don’t think so. In fact, you’ve perfectly expressed what I have always felt but didn’t have words for. I’m glad you like it. It’s important you do.”

She kept her head down, but her heart had to know if his eyes would give a clue as to what he meant. Slowly, her breath clinging motionless to her ribs, she lifted her face and met his eyes. He looked uncertain as if he waited for her to indicate something. “Why?” she whispered.

He caught a strand of hair the breeze had pulled loose, tucked it behind her ear, and trailed his finger down her cheek. “ ’Cause I want you to be happy here.”

Happy? Knowing he was about to express his love, she knew happiness like she’d never known. Like the softness of rabbit fur, the scent of a perfect rose, and the sight of a newborn baby all rolled up into one and dropped into her heart. “I could be very happy here.”

He dropped his hand to slap his thigh. “Then it’s settled. You’ll get rid of the hotel and move out here.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why should I move out here?” If he would only hint he had some feelings toward her, but his expression grew hard, distant.

“Seems to me it’s pretty clear. You need to be out here where I can make sure you’re safe.”

Her thoughts were dying butterflies falling to the ground. She rose and quietly headed back to the house.

He followed and grabbed her elbow, forcing her to stop and face him. “I thought you liked the ranch. Didn’t you say you could be happy here?”

She nodded. “I could under the right circumstances. But being your servant is not one of them.”

“You’re far too independent.”

She shook her head sadly. “I don’t think so, but thank you for reminding me of what’s important.”

“I suppose you’re going to say your independence is more important than your safety.”

“I wasn’t, because I would never put my personal safety at risk.” But she’d put her emotions at risk by allowing herself to think Jake might actually care for her as more than a responsibility. “First, let me be very clear on one thing. You have no right or reason to feel responsible for me. And second, I would be dishonoring my father’s memory if I sacrificed my independence in order to be taken care of as you suggest.” Pulling herself from his grasp, she returned to the house, found Pastor Rawson preparing to return to town, and asked if she might ride with him.

Ten

Next morning, Jake headed for the hills to check on his cows. He wanted space to think. And he didn’t need to be around his family, inflicting his bad mood on them.

What was wrong with Hannah? She said she liked the ranch. She had no reason to lie, so it must be true. Yet she refused to do the sensible thing and move here.

His stomach knotted and twisted and turned sour as he thought of her remaining in town. Unless she could be persuaded to visit again, he’d have to go to town to see her, and how often could he do that? Not often enough to satisfy the emptiness inside him at the thought of not seeing her for weeks on end. He guessed every day wouldn’t be enough. Something about that gal got under his skin and refused to let go. In a way he sort of liked. No, the idea of seeing her at most once a week, knowing she was in town trying to fix and run that hotel on her own, just sliced along his nerves like a sliver under his fingernail.

The hotel was the cause of this trouble between them. And it was all tied up to something she seemed to think her father expected of her. None of which made a lick of sense. He figured any man would see the predicament Hannah had gotten herself into and find a way to get her out. But Hannah was stuck with nothing but memories of what she thought her father wanted, and she couldn’t seem to pull away from them. She’d said it often enough that he didn’t have any trouble recalling what she thought her father expected of her—get the hotel fixed up and opened.

He sat on his horse, staring at the rolling hills he loved. The hotel kept Hannah from his side.

She would never admit defeat, because she somehow had it figured her father would be disappointed in her if she did. So the way to solve the problem was to help her get the hotel fixed up so she could walk away without feeling she’d disappointed her father.

And he knew exactly how to do it.

He reined his horse around and galloped back to the ranch. Only Zeke answered his call.

“The others are out checking the cows like you said,” he replied in answer to Jake’s demand to know where everyone had disappeared to.

“Go find half a dozen of them. I’ve got something in town needs doing.”

Two hours later he sent Zeke and six of his outfit to town with instructions to fix the hole in the dining room floor of the hotel. “Get lumber at the hardware store. Do it right. I want it ready to use when you’re done.” He saw them on their way then rode over to the house to inform his mother he was on his way to town.

“Wait,” she called, “I want you to pick up a few things.”

“Mother, you were just in town.” He wanted to see the look on Hannah’s face when his crew showed up to fix the dining room. He could well imagine her surprise, her confusion, and then her delight at getting this job done before the deadline set by the mayor and his cronies.

“I need some more thread. Just wait while I get you a sample of cloth so Mrs. Johnson can match it.”

He drummed his fingers on the banister as he waited for her to run upstairs. A few minutes later, she returned. “Audrey’s just coming over the hill. Let me see if she needs anything.”

“Mother, I’m in a hurry.”

“What’s a minute or two?” Ignoring his protests, she hurried out the back door to meet Audrey. Sammy and Luke screamed a greeting to their grandmother.

Jake twisted his hat and ground his teeth. He wanted to be there when the boys arrived with the load of lumber.

Mother returned. “She’d like you to pick up—never mind, I’ll write it down.”

Jake fumed as she found a piece of paper then had to sharpen the pencil, but finally he was on his way, galloping his mount to make up for lost time.

He didn’t catch them by the time he slowed for Quinten’s main street. As he approached the hotel, he saw the men still mounted, Zeke still seated in the wagon. Hannah stood on the sidewalk, her arms crossed over her chest. He’d missed seeing her surprise.

He reined in, dropped to the ground, wrapped the reins twice around the hitching post, and clattered to her side. “Are you surprised?” he asked.

She faced him. “Do I look surprised?”

His smile faded, his shoulders tensed as he took a good look at her. Her eyes flashed. Her mouth pulled down at the corners. He hoped he was mistaken, but she looked angry. He turned to his crew. “What are you waiting for? Let’s get this done.”

The men shifted and looked uncomfortable.

“What’s going on here?”

“They might as well go back to the ranch. I’ve told them I don’t need their help.”

No one moved. Jake felt the heat of Hannah’s gaze and saw the awkwardness of his men.

Hannah waved her hand dismissively. “You can leave now.”

The men waited for his order.

“Jake.” Her voice was deceptively soft. “Tell them to leave.”

He scratched his neck. “I thought my crew could. . .”

She pushed her face closer to his. He felt her hot breath, caught a glimpse of hazel fire in her eyes before he shifted his gaze to avoid looking at her. “Jake, I will hire my own crew when I’m ready.” She made an explosive sound, turned, and steamed into the hotel.

Jake sighed. “Boys, you might as well go on home. She’s too stubborn to change her mind.”

Looking relieved, they rode away.

Jake stood outside the door for a minute, trying to make sense of the whole thing, finally admitted there was no sense to be made, and pushed inside. “Hannah, you said you needed some men to fix the floor.”

She spun around to face him.

He didn’t need the sight in both eyes to see she was still angry.

“How dare you presume to take over my responsibilities!” Her voice could have cut steel.

“I—”

“What makes you so certain I can’t manage on my own? How dare you treat me like you do your family!”

“I—” But whatever reason or argument he might have dredged up never got a chance.

“Why do you have to fix everyone?” She took a step closer. “Can’t you see not everyone needs fixing or taking care of?” She took two more steps until her shoes were an inch from the tips of his boots.

He stifled an urge to back away from her anger.

“Have you ever tried just accepting people? Allowing them to make their own choices. Giving them the freedom to make mistakes. Why do you have to be responsible for everything? Why do you think if people make a mistake you’ve failed? Jake, did you ever think that people—your family—would like to be accepted as they are with their flaws and failings, dreams and expectations. And yes, even be allowed a little independence.” She breathed so hard, he wondered if a person could get wind-broken.

Then she threw her arms in the air. “Oh, what’s the use?” She stomped toward the dining room, apparently remembered the door had been boarded off, and with an angry mutter, shifted directions and headed for the stairs. “If you don’t mind, I have work to do.”

“Hannah, wait.”

She paused and slowly turned. Her anger had calmed and was replaced with resignation. “What?”

“I—” How could he hope for her to understand his intention had been so much more honorable than she assessed it? Wasn’t it? “I only wanted to help.”

She shook her head. “No, you wanted to be responsible for me. You can’t. I am responsible for me. It’s not a job that requires two people.” Slowly she climbed the stairs and disappeared down the hall.

Jake stared after her for a long time then rode away as fast as he’d made the trip into town.

❧

Hannah sank to the edge of her bed and stared blindly across the room. She’d been holding on to a useless hope, thinking one day Jake would stop trying to control her and learn to love and accept her.

But he’d made it plain as household dust he didn’t think she could manage on her own. He didn’t see her as an equal, someone who could make decisions and handle challenges using her own resources.

He was right about one thing, though, she had to get the dining room floor fixed in less than a week in order to avoid further fines and run the chance of having the “safety inspector” shut her down. She’d been hoping for more money. But renting three or four rooms at a time, from which she had to pay Mort, buy wallpaper and paint, and purchase food for herself—it all ate away at the little bit of income she’d generated.

She picked up her Bible and opened it but didn’t read. Instead, she prayed.
God, You have created me. You have given me opportunities. Long ago, when I first trusted You, it was because of Your promise to provide for my needs. I know You love me with an unsearchable love. Nothing is too hard for You. Show me how to meet this challenge.

She sat quietly, waiting for God to reveal His will. Her gaze rested on the chiffonier. Her thoughts went to the black case inside the drawer and her father’s pocket watch. She wondered what it was worth.

No, Lord. I can’t sell it. It’s the only thing I have left of my father’s belongings.

What would her father want? For her to succeed at this venture? He certainly would. He would encourage her to sell the watch if necessary. She hated to part with it, but she needed the money.

Two tears dripped down her cheeks. She dashed them away. She would do whatever she had to do. Still she hesitated. Was she desperate enough to sell her most precious belonging?

It was that or face defeat. Her father would be disappointed if she didn’t do her best.

She pushed to her feet, took the case from the drawer, and headed down the street. She’d never visited Stephen’s Jewelers, but now she stepped into the shop filled with glass-fronted display shelves.

A few minutes later she emerged with more money than she’d anticipated and crossed the street to the hardware store, where she arranged for a man to measure the hole and supply materials to repair it.

❧

A month later, Hannah wandered through the hotel. The dining room floor was finished—the new boards painted mahogany brown to match the old floor. She’d rescued a maroon rug from the storeroom and put it in the center of the room and placed tables and chairs around in a pleasing arrangement that left room for serving and provided a bit of privacy. White tablecloths and candlesticks provided the touch of elegance she wanted. She’d hired a cook and helpers to operate the dining room.

She paused in the lobby, pleased with the new green-apple paint on the wall beside the door and the new wallpaper behind the desk—decorated with cabbage roses. She climbed the stairs and checked each room. She now had a young girl to help clean. All eight rooms were usable and were often full.

The hotel had been successfully reopened. Not even Mayor Stokes or Mr. Bertch could find fault. She returned to the main floor.

Thelma, the cook, beckoned for her attention. “Did you want to serve biscuits tonight?”

Hannah reviewed the menu with her. She’d never realized how much work it involved to plan a selection of three meals a day, day after day.

She and Thelma managed to plan several days ahead.
Hannah made notes of the supplies needed. “I’ll order these this afternoon. But I want to do some mending first.” It amazed her how much damage her guests did to the sheets and pillowcases. Every week the mending pile grew.

Betty, one of the girls who worked in the dining room, stopped her halfway across the kitchen. “Hannah, I can’t work tonight. My mother’s sick and needs help with the younger ones.”

“Of course. I’ll find someone else.” She mentally added it to the list of things to be done this afternoon.

Thelma found her again a few minutes later to inform her the butcher hadn’t delivered enough meat for their planned menu, and Hannah promised to take care of it.

She barely got settled in a corner of her bedroom and threaded a needle before several other things required her attention. By then the morning had fled away on invisible wings and she had to abandon plans for mending.

She spent the afternoon taking care of errands, managed to persuade Mr. Mack to supply the promised meat, and had to make a few adjustments on her list because Johnson’s was out of things. It would mean more planning in order to create the menu. She raced to the telegraph office to send an order for more supplies to be shipped on the train and remembered she didn’t have anyone to take Betty’s place. She stopped at several houses to ask for someone to work. No one was available, and finally, accepting defeat, she hurried back to the hotel. She had no choice but to help in the dining room and hope Mort would watch the front desk for her.

By the time she made her weary way to her bedroom, she ached from head to toe and a pain had developed in her left leg. She sank to the edge of the bed and buried her head in her hands. She had what she wanted—her business doing well and her independence. So why didn’t it feel better?

It wasn’t that she minded the work. It kept her from thinking of Jake too often. She hadn’t seen him since he’d tried to fix the floor for her. But she missed him with an ache that never let up. It relented only momentarily when her mind was occupied with other things but grew worse at bedtime. How long would it take for her to be able to sit in the quiet of her own room without feeling so alone?

She thought of Mrs. Sperling and smiled. Had the woman learned not to fake headaches and faints? Did she realize her real ones seemed less dramatic when she faked such wonderful false ones?

And Sammy and Luke. Did they miss her? Would she ever again have the pleasure of exploring with them? She supposed the Sperlings would come to town again, and if Mrs. Sperling had her way, they’d stay in Hannah’s hotel. But when would such an occasion arise? Probably not until Christmas or even next fall when the cattle were again driven to the rail yard.

Scattered visits were not what she wanted. And playing with Sammy and Luke, visiting Mrs. Sperling, and getting to know Audrey and Harvey better were not what she wanted, either.

What she wanted was Jake. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The hotel might have provided her with independence, but at what price? Why did it feel as if she’d sold herself to a hard taskmaster? Would it be any worse to let Jake order her around? Take care of her?