Little Green Men (31 page)

"My head. I hope they do get you. I'll tell them everything."

"I feel your pain, sir, but think about it. You get up there and start spouting this, and they'll haul you off to Saint Elizabeth's, where they'll keep you so doped all you'll be able to do is sit in a corner and drool into a Dixie cup. MJ-Twelve is the best-kept secret in town. These people do not
leave fingerprints. Trust me. I
don't know the name of one other person in the organization. And if you go on with this Millennium Man show and force them to hold Senate hearings and make a pain in the ass of yourself, they're going to have to get rid of you and make it look like natural cause
s. They mentioned blood clots. I
imagine they have access to pretty much anything they want in the biochemical area."

"God."

"1 know the way it looks now, you're sort of screwed no matter what."

The stage manager called out, "Five minutes, Mr. Banion."

"1 was thinking we should join forces," said Scrubbs. "Pool our resources, so to speak."

Banion could hear the roar of the crowd outside. Half an hour ago, he was a conquering hero preparing to take his place at the head of his army. Now he was a millennial patsy, at the center of crosshairs.

"So," Scrubbs said, "maybe we should be thinking about your speech?"

SIXTEEN

"You've just heard the keynote speech by the leader of the three million Millennial Marchers, John
O
. Banion. Let's go now to the Mall, where our correspondent Ann Compton is standing by. Ann, what's the reaction down where you are?"

"Peter, people here seem generally
pleased
by what they heard tonight from John 0. Banion. I have to say, from where 1 was. his speech seemed somewhat
listless,
almost lacking in
passion.
This is a very enthusiastic crowd, and I think if he had asked them to march all the way to California, they would have. Instead, he seemed very
deliberate.
At times he seemed stunned. But this
is
the largest gathering of people in the nation's history, so perhaps he was just taken aback by the enormity of it all. He kept repeating the phrase 'this majestic situation.' a number of times. And there
is
a sort of majesty to the occasion, all these people, who have come from all over the country.
We're hoping to speak to John O
. Banion later. Meanwhile, I have with me Dr. Danton Falopian, who is Banion's top scientific adviser on UFO's . . ."

Banion and Scrubbs watched on the tv monitor in his trailer. Banion sat, a wet towel over his forehead. On his lap, cradled in both hands, was a large glass filled to the rim with Scotch.

"1 thought you were great." Scrubbs said. "What did she want you to do? Rip your clothes off. set yourself on fire? These TV people, they drive me nuts sometimes."

A moan came from under Banion's wet towel.

"She picked up on our signal, anyway. And if she did, you can bet they did. Now they know that you know. That buys us some time."

There were frantic knockings on the door of the trailer, people demanding admittance. It was Elspeth.

"She says Tom Brokaw wants to interview you," Scrubbs said. "Shouldn't you go talk to him?"

Banion took huge swallow of Scotch.

'Are you going to drink all of that at once?"

"Yes. Then I'm going to drink another. And another after that. And then," he said, "I'm going to kill you. And the jury will let me off because I was drunk."

"That's how all this started, me knocking back Bloody Marys one Sunday morning. I was mad because they'd turned down my transfer out of Abductions. So I'm not sure booze is the answer."

"You ruined my life because you got drunk one morning?"

"You gotta go talk to Tom Brokaw. Hey, there's your pal Senator Gracklesen."

Banion lifted the cloth. Gracklesen was being interviewed by CNN, trying his best to sound thrilled that his committee would be holding abduction hearings without leaving quotable footprints.

"This isn't to say that I personally am convinced that these entities, or whatever you want to call them, are engaging in the kinds of activities that are being alleged here. That said, I am enormously impressed by the energy and commitment that I have felt from the people who have come to Washington for this event. Thank you very much, thank you
..
."

Banion replaced the cloth over his eyes. Scrubbs was holding something out to him.

"What's that? Cyanide?"

"Breath mint. You can't talk to Tom Brokaw smelling like a distillery. Come on. time for phase two."

"John O
. Banion. thank you for joining us." "Pleasure." Banion burped.

"Senator Gracklesen has now agreed to hold hearings on alien abductions. That's what your people came here for. Now you have it. You must be feeling pretty good."

"Urn. Much better."

"Were you surprised by the turnout?"

"Hm?" said Banion.

"Did the fact that three million people came surprise you?" "Oh. Yes. Lovely."

Brokaw's producer said into the anchor's earpiece: "Jesus, he's drunk."

Off to one side. Scrubbs trying to signal Banion.
Get it together.

"This must be a very emotional time for you."

"Yes, Tom. A lot of emotions are going through me right now. It's been a very . . . strange year. But, here we are. All three million of us. In this
majestic"
- he cleared his throat - "situation."

"What's next on the Millennium Man agenda?"

"Survival."

"How do you mean?"

"Staying alive."

"In what way?"

"Not dying. That's at the top of my own personal agenda." "Is someone out to do you harm?"

"Not to sound too paranoid about it, but when you go poking about in Uncle Sam's sock drawer, you never know what you might stir up."

"He's plastered."
Brokaw's producer said.

"Put it this way," Banion continued, "in the event I'm run over by a car, or contract some strange, fatal disease, or slip and break my neck in the bathroom, or get a blood clump - clot - then I think you and other members of the press would ce
rtainly want to investigage-gate
', whether I died from natural causes."

"Why would the government want to get rid of you?"

"Well. Tom, I - along with over eighty percent of the American people - have come to the conclusion that the government knows much more about UFO's than it is letting on. Indeed, I think the government has a
majestic
amount of knowledge about flying saucers. But getting back to the issue of my personal shafety, I've taken certain precautions. I've left documents behind in a secure place, which, in the event something happens to me, like so much as a severe head cold, will be opened and made public. You can see over my shoulder that there are three million people who would be very, very upset if anything happened to their leader. Who knows
what
they'd do."

"Are you saying they would turn violent?"

"Well, they're reasonable people .
.."

The producer cut to show a marcher holding up a sign:

jfk killed by
aliens.

"...
but you wonder if the next march would be as peaceful as this one."

"John O
. Banion. thanks for being with us." "Pleshure."

"I thought you were going to fall out of your chair," Scrubbs said when they were back in the flying saucer trailer. "But I think you bought us our insurance policy."

Banion drained the rest of the Scotch. He let out a belch. "I've got insurance. You have nothing. Squat. You think they'd march on account of you? Ha."

"This isn't the time for personal considerations. We have to work together." "Oh? Why?"

"Because we need each other."

"I was doing fine by myself.
1
had a life, a wife, a syndicated column, a top-rated TV show. The president came to my house for dinners.
1
moderated the debates.
1
had millions of respectable, thoughtful readers and viewers. Now look at me. Moses, to a flock of fruitcakes."

"Yeah? How many of your respectable, thoughtful readers and viewers would have marched on Washington for you?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm sure they all worshiped you for your suave delivery and keen intellect and rapier wit, but did you ever change their lives? I gave you an issue as big as the millennium! You want to go back to arguing about Social Security reform and who should be in NATO?"

"That's not the point. I had a life."

"I didn't."

"Who cares?"

"Let me tell you something - you've abducted one Indiana housewife, you've abducted them all. Then you came along. It definitely got more interesting."

"I'm truly gratified. I'm thrilled that wrecking my life made your job more stimulating."

"Maybe if you'd been a little less hysterical about it, your life wouldn't have gotten ruined. You know, we abducted a lot of people' who didn't make a federal case out of it. There was this woman in Kentucky, we did her
three times
before she even mentioned it, and that was only to her pastor. You - you were Chicken Little.
The aliens have landed! The aliens have landed!"

"Oh sure. How hysterical of me to mention the fact that I was being
routinely
kidnapped and personally
violated
by aliens. Which

- by the way - makes you and your accomplices disgu
sting
perverts."

"Hey, don't look at me. The p
robes weren't our idea." "Well I
certainly didn't ask for them!"

"It was the abductees who started talking about how they'd been probed."

"Revolting, all of you." Banion groaned. "How do I get back to my own world?"

"This is no time to lose it. Keep it together."

"Oh, shut up." Banion stood, went to the window, looked down on the clutch of paparazzi. "Roz - she worked for you?"

"I don't know. Possibly. Probably. They might have put her in to do damage control. I caught her on TV Quite the looker. Have you heard from her?"

"She called me. To apologize. Just like you. I must say, for a rogue government agency, you're all so polite. Is that part of your training?"

There was knock on the door. Dr. Falopian and Colonel Murfletit appeared, smiling luminously. They stared questioningly at Scrubbs, still in his Tall Nordic bodysuit,
sans
face mask.

Scrubbs looked at Banion. Banion looked at Scrubbs. This would be the moment to toss him to the mob to be torn to pieces. One word, and Colonel Murfletit's ascots would be on him, pulping him with their batons.

"This," Banion said, "is Mr. Dick. He's going to be helping us."

The brain trust collectively frowned. No sooner had they gotten rid of one Banion groupie than another appeared. At least this one looked like someone they could do business with.

They reported that the first TV network viewer polls had come in. The people were with them! Overwhelmingly! More than eighty percent supported the Millennium agenda! Especially the provisions calling for tax breaks for abductees.

The two scuttled off to be interviewed. "Mr. Dick?" Scrubbs said.

"Fits."

"I'm not going to re
ad that," the president said. "I
don't care how many telegrams we got in support of these yo-yos, I won't do it." 'All it says is -"

"I know what it says. 1 read it. It says 1 support them. Well I don't. And I think Hank Gracklesen is going to look like a gold-plated jackass by the time he's finished. Abduction hearings! He never should have given in to them. I won't have anything to do with it. I won't be associated with it. I won't be the first president in history to have a position on flying saucers."

"You were willing to welcome them to town."

"Your brilliant idea. And what did it get us? Insults."

"You'll get questions on this."

"I welcome them. I'll tell them that I'm just a little more concerned with the real issues facing America in the new century." "You can't say 'real,'" the campaign manager said. "Why not?"

"Eighty percent of the American people think these are real."

"Eighty percent of the American people," the president said, "have snakes in their heads."

"You want to tell them that right before an election, eight points down?"

"Blebnikov called me last night, drunk as a porcupine on brake fluid, to tell me he can't control his own army. I told him, It's no damn wonder, you haven't paid 'em in over a year. He says, Well, they may mutiny and take over and what is he supposed to do? Meanwhile, my Supreme Court justice just got arrested for drunk driving, son of a bitch, and the CBO is about to release figures blaming this recession on me personally, and the IMF is bellyaching that if we don't send Mexico another forty billion by next
Tuesday,
the whole place is going to blow like a toilet, and Flickery is eating my lunch in states that I bought and paid for. I have enough on my plate right now without worrying about flying saucers!"