Little Vampire Women (21 page)

⁵
The international meeting held in 1767 that officially established vampires as naturalized citizens of heaven and granted them full inalienable rights. Out of the Accords came the groundbreaking Swift Nourishment Act, which reclassified the vampiric method of attaining sustenance as commerce, thereby making the consumption of humans who fell below the poverty level a safe and legal option for hungry vampires, as long as said vampires met the asking price and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Named for Jonathan Swift, who first proposed the arrangement in his famous 1729 essay “A Modest Proposal,” in which he recommended that Ireland’s poor solve their economic woes by selling their children for food.

⁶
International bestseller by Dimitri Strinsky (b. 1294), translated into thirty-seven languages, including Swahili. Its sequel,
Seven More Signs of a Vampire Slayer and How I Missed Them the First Time
, is also a classic.

⁷
The Pinkerton National Detective Agency, established in 1850 by Allan Pinkerton, who became famous after foiling an attempt to assassinate President-elect Abraham Lincoln. Pinkerton was the first personal-security agency to hire vampires to screen for slayers.

⁸
For an example, see “Vampires Are Thoughtless Killing Machines,”
New York Times
, January 23, 1856.

⁹
Type of shoe said to be worn by men in olden times; however, this detail has been pointed to by several radical feminist scholars as proof that Laurie’s desire to be a vampire is really a repressed desire to be a woman. See Karen Thomapolis’s
Unmasking Gender in Little Vampire Women
.

¹⁰
A reference to the old man from the story “Sinbad the Sailor” in
The Thousand and One Nights
, which some critics argue is coded text about systemic vampire oppression by citing the fact that the Persian king killed his bride every morning as proof that the virgins were vampires. In referencing it here, Jo could be referencing her own systemic oppression.

¹¹
Also known as the Silly Servant Stratagem and the Volatile Valet Ploy.

¹²
Critics disagree as to the source of the reference. The most widely credited source is
Ivanhoe
by Sir Walter Scott (1771–1832). However, scholars of vampire literature point to
Ye Olde Tale of Ivanhoe the Eternal
by Sir Wilfred Ivanhoe (1173–1879), a first-person account of the adventure tale on which Scott based his famous story. In 1865, the vampire-author embarked on a much-celebrated reading tour of North America to mark the release of a new illustrated edition of his classic, and the Marches would have been sure to have seen him in Concord.

¹³
Literally “white food”; as no edible products were traditionally kept in a vampire household, Meg is presumed to have made the blanc mange out of plaster and water.

¹⁴
A rest stop for vilgrims en route to Celestial City, across from Hill Difficulty. Many scholars believe Swinton based the description of the palace on Count Arnold Dracula’s castle in Transylvania.

¹⁵
A primitive version of what is now known as a solar cloak, which makes it possible for vampires to go out in the sun. Filtering out the sun’s rays wasn’t possible until the invention of Gore-Tex in 1976 by Wilbert L. Gore (1912-1986).

¹⁶
Most definitely the description of a cherished family memento, as there is absolutely no proof to substantiate the claim that vampires kept the remains of saints they devoured during the Transylvanian Inquisition (ca. 900-ca. 1550).

¹⁷
Such parlor games did not become illegal until 1907, when the Freedom from Vampire Cruelty Despite Personal Preference for Vampire Cruelty Act was passed.

¹⁸
Cockney for
slack-jaw
, a vampire with a weak mandible who has problems biting. In the famous Aesop fable, the lonely jackdaw longs for beauty and acceptance.

¹⁹
Originally developed by famed naturalist Georg Grosengauer (1793–1817) as a technique for fending off wildebeest in the Serengeti.

²⁰
As vampires do not require kitchens, many converted the room into an additional parlor. Old appliances such as stoves were often removed to the study to be used as desks.

²¹
Shelter in which a vampire defender stores his bows and arrows; many young vampire women of the time kept one for their hairpins and fang enhancements.

²²
To nibble on a small animal, usually a mouse.

²³
One of ten tricks detailed in the autobiography of former slayer Heinrich Russellmacher (1623–1830),
Memoirs of a Repentant Slayer: How I Learned to Stop Slaying and Love Vampires
.

²⁴
A series of ecclesiastical tribunals (ca. 900-ca. 1550) devoted to purging vampires from Transylvania.

²⁵
Vampires believed in the nineteenth century that poor humans benefited greatly from cleaning and straightening up, and charitable organizations frequently donated untidy packages to be scattered in their homes.

²⁶
City in Transylvania, now part of Romania.

²⁷
Derogatory slang for
vampire
, as if their thirst for blood can never be quenched. Here used as a fond term of affection.

²⁸
See footnote 15.

²⁹
Created by Joseph Berryman (b. 1736), American magician-vampire whose deft performance of the Hovering Human trick led to the widespread rumor that vampires could levitate.

³⁰
Unclear as to whether Aunt March means he is a chess piece or if the old lady is confused or if it’s a mistake by the typesetter.

³¹
See footnote 30.

³²
From Chapter 14 of
Mr. Bloody Wobblestone’s Scientifical Method for Tracking, Catching, and Destroying Vampire Slayers
, “Frequent Maneuvers and Easy Ways to Counter Them.”

³³
Most specifically the works of Madame de La Fayette, in whose stories vampires could transform into any animal, run faster than a horse, move small mountains, and, most fantastically, suffer only mild discomfort when out in the noonday sun.

³⁴
Capital of Transylvania from 1541 to 1690.

³⁵
Although mortal Transylvanians historically spoke either Romanian or Hungarian, vampires from the region had their own “secret” language by which they communicated during the Inquisition to confound spies and informers.

³⁶
Invented by Harken Hennings (b. 1803) in 1853 and very popular with defenders working in the modern urban crime environment. His first attempt at vampire armor, an iron neckerchief to protect one from decapitation, had to be recalled because sharp clasps of the garment inadvertently removed the wearer’s head.

³⁷
Quotation from American vampire-philosopher Emerson Walter (1703–2002), who led the New Hunger movement of the mid-1800s, which introduced the notion, radical in its time, that a vampire must be more than his appetite. The quote is from his essay “On the Spiritual Disadvantages of the Fully Tummy and the Empty Soul.”

³⁸
Szekler S
laj (1143–1577), vampire-poet whose epic trilogy about the Dacian Wars is the only known poem to exist in the Transylvanian language.

³⁹
A type of glamour spell that permanently “charms” its victim into believing something contrary to fact. A standard glamour spell lasts only as long as its creator stares into the eyes of his victim.

⁴⁰
Wendell Phillips (1811–1884), famous orator from Boston who, though involved in abolitionism, had no discernable ties to the vampire-rights movement, making his reference here confusing.

⁴¹
Another famous orator (384–322
B
.
C
.), from Athens, without any connection to vampires. It has been suggested that these two references are an attempt by the author to establish a vampire-free space for Laurie on such an important day.

⁴²
Literally
Mr. Too Many.
From Helena Olyphant’s 1792 Gothic novel,
The Hidden Fangs of Udolpho,
in which the vampire protoganist calls his victims Monsieur de Trop.