Loving Ean (The Fae Guard Book 2) (26 page)

Aden is frowning at me, his brow furrowed, causing deep worry lines to crease his forehead, “You didn’t know.” It’s a statement, not a question, and my retort would only serve to add anger to their concern. So, I just toss back the last of my drink and go back for a refill.

Kendrix is still standing there and he hands over the bottle, sympathy in his eyes. I take it appreciatively, confused at the emotion I see in them. It’s almost like he knows . . . He turns back to face the other two, “I didn’t know either. How long has this been going on?”

I really don’t want to hear about this, but I really need to hear about it.
Masochist much?
Defective muzzle?

“Shaylee knows more than I do. She doesn’t talk to me like she used to.” Aden’s voice is subtly laced with disappointment. He and Laila were thick as thieves growing up and it transitioned into a solid friendship as adults. They didn’t keep secrets from each other.
Until you, of course.
Guilt slithers through the numbness achieved from the alcohol.

“I guess they started hanging out around a month ago and it progressed to dating a few weeks after that.” I’m staring at my drink, so I can’t see their faces, but I can feel their stares boring into my back.

“Ean,” Aden calls to me and I toss back the last bit of scotch before doing an about face. “You can stop holding it all in. I already know.” I don’t know what to think about that. I’m cautious of misunderstanding him and making this mess worse than it already is.

“That I’ve developed a short fucking fuse?” I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm. Aden’s face darkens further and I wonder if I should back off the attitude.
You think?

“Do you think I’m really that stupid or oblivious to what’s happening around me? You really think I haven’t seen the heartbreak on both of your faces?” His face is rife with frustration. “I may not know the details; I don’t know how far things got between you.” He squeezed his eyes shut and rubs his temples, “Nor do I want to,” he adds. “I don’t know what happened to make you both so miserable. What I do know is that my sister is never truly happy anymore and my best friend is falling apart.” Aden stands and walks over to stand in front of me, his green eyes are clouded with sadness and it throws me for a loop since I was expecting anger and resentment. “Ean,” He rests a hand on my shoulder, “I hope it’s not because of me. I have no issue with you and Laila being together if that is your choice. I could not ask for a better man for my sister.”

I feel a punch in my gut, a breathless moment where I suspended in a mass of torn emotions. Aden’s words bring me joy and pain, guilt and relief, doubt, but mostly confusion. I’m not mistaking his words, rather I am muddled by the past and all of my decisions. Suddenly, my grasp on reality loosens and I consider whether each and every decision I’ve made was the wrong one. Aden would have supported me, he believes I am good enough for Laila, but he doesn’t understand the demons that I fight. My resolve solidly returns and I know I’ve got to get the hell out of here.

“Aden, you’ve been my best friend since the first memories I have of my life and knowing that you believe in me, would trust me with your sister, it just makes me that much more determined not to hurt her. I couldn’t do that to you or her. It’s best this way, better for all of us.”

Aden removes his hand and steps to the side of me, facing the cabinet, leaning both hands on the edge, his shoulders slumped and head hanging down. I don’t know if he is angry, disappointed, or understanding. I suppose, it really doesn’t matter.

“I’ve got to get away, give us both a chance to heal,” I mutter softly. Aden’s head lifts and turns toward me, peering at me intensely.

“Running yourself ragged, trying to save every soul isn’t the answer, Ean,” he protests. His eyes harden and he pushes away from where he was leaning, standing up straight. “It doesn’t make you stronger, it doesn’t give you redemption or make you a hero, and it won’t make your life worth anything. I understand what you’ve gone through, the guilt and pain. Do you think you’re the only one who has ever lost a kid they were protecting? This ludicrous crusade you are on isn’t penance; it isn’t a way to assuage these emotions. What you’re doing is running away, afraid of getting hurt again, afraid to deal with your emotions, and that just makes you a coward.”

Now I’m just pissed off, but before I even have the chance to formulate a response, Aden is gone. Brannon and Kendrix are still watching me silently. My lungs feel constricted and I need some fresh air. I brush past them without a word and make a bee line for my car, racing off into the sunset.

PHIN LAYS A SWEET
kiss on my lips and I decide to return it with a little more fervor than usual. I press my mouth a little harder against his and he pulls back for a second, surprise written all over his face. With a small smile I stand on my toes to reach for another kiss, this time he doesn’t hesitate, his arms snaking around my waist to bring me closer.

Phin runs his tongue lightly across the seam of my lips, asking for permission and I part them, letting him in. Phin’s lips are firm but velvety, his breath minty, and his tongue sweeping inside my mouth is smooth and well, quite talented actually. In his arms I feel treasured, like I’m the center of his world. I feel safe, comforted, and warm, it’s . . . pleasant.
Gee, what every girl dreams of in a kiss. Pleasant? Really?
Will that little she-devil never shut the hell up?

I throw myself a little more into the kiss and Phin’s hands start to roam. One comes up to the back of my head, diving into my hair, the other slides down to cup my ass. I’m not repulsed by this kiss, like I said, it’s nice. But there are no sparks, no burning desire that almost consumes me. I’m not on a high from a burning passion threatening to burst free.

When Phin uses his leverage on my bottom to lift me up and bring me flush against him, I can feel his arousal pressing against my belly and I know it’s time to stop. I tear my lips from his and bury my face in his neck, willing myself not to cry.

“Laila, that was—” He breaks off, panting. “That was incredible, sweetheart.” The nickname brings ribbons of guilt to the surface and I feel them start to bind me. It’s so sweet and loving, and not at all the one I want to hear. He brings both hands back to my waist and nuzzles his face in my hair before gently placing me on the ground. I can’t find the energy to lift my head but Phin brings my gaze up to his with a finger under my chin. His eyes search mine, probing deeply, and most likely looking for answers. I’m losing the battle to contain my tears and one falls over the brim and trails down my cheek. Phin moves his finger to catch the stray tear, prompting a few more to spill out.

“It’s ok, sweetheart. I knew what I was getting in to. It’s not like you weren’t completely honest with me.” It’s a seriously cheesy joke, but I chuckle anyway. This man is everything I could want, so why can’t I want him?

I’d finally gained the courage to take that last step and move on from Ean. Phin and I have always been close and I wondered if he’d ever thought about me in that way. He was exactly what I was looking for in a partner and I was hoping that I would come to feel more for him than our friendship. However, Ean had broken me, left me in pieces, and I didn’t know if anyone would be able to glue me back together. I just knew I had to try. So, I went to Phin and asked him if he’d be willing to make a go at a relationship. Before I let him answer, I told him that I was still a thorough mess and I made sure that he knew that my heart still wasn’t free but that I would like to be able to recapture it and give it to someone else. I didn’t know how long it would take me to get comfortable being physical with another man and it would mean a lot of patience from him.

To my surprise, he was eager to give it a shot. He was happy to take things slow and just be with each other more, spend time truly getting to know each other and see if something developed from there. So far, I hadn’t been able to get passed a chaste kiss on the lips without being consumed with guilt. Not because of Phin, no he is amazing and has never made me feel like he is expecting more. I felt as though I was betraying Ean. Which is completely ridiculous, I’m sure he’s moved on and left me behind without a second glance.

We’ve been dating for around a month now and I am having so much fun. I don’t feel alone anymore, and let’s face it, even when I was with Ean, I was still alone. When I saw Ean at the bar earlier, I let it get to me and I’m so afraid that I’m just stringing Phin along. He’d seen Ean too, and as we walked to the back, he placed a sweet kiss on my lips. It might seem to some that he was staking a claim, but those people don’t know Phin very well. He’d been enraged by what I’d told him the night he’d driven me home when I was drunk. But, as usual, Phin handled it so well, he simply told me that he wouldn’t judge my choices, but he would be there for me if I ever needed it. Can you see why I am so frustrated that there is no spark between us?!

The kiss was to show Ean that I was being treated with respect, adored out in the open, and free of him. Then he moved on, taking me to the back, not
the
room, but to his office and had a quick drink in there before going out tonight.

Now, as Phin brushes away my tears, I don’t feel guilt for Ean, I’m furious with that asshole! He’s ruined me and I’m angry, and hurt, and just so lost as to where to go from here.

“I thought—I thought maybe if I put more effort into it,” I stammer, “Maybe it would spark something. I like you so much, Phin. I want this to work, so why can’t I get my body to agree with my head?” My voice is so dejected and I know I’m about five seconds from giving in to the despair and letting the situation make me weak and pathetic.

I’m startled when Phin grabs my shoulders, bringing me forward and enveloping me in his strong arms and woodsy scent. One of his big hands rubs slow circles on my back and I’m amazed when I feel the calm returning, bringing resolve and fortitude with it. Perhaps I’ll be able to climb this mountain after all. I know Phin will help me and be there to catch me if I fall.

“Laila, I want you, don’t ever believe otherwise,” his voice is gentle and I look up into his stunning green eyes and see nothing but caring in their depths. “I’m willing and hoping to be by your side as the man you love someday, but I will also always be here as a friend. I’m enjoying the time we spend together and I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. Ok?” My heart melts and I sink into his embrace a little deeper. I don’t deserve him, but I want to so badly.

“We’ll keep trying.” I say, my response muffled with my face pressed into his chest. He lightly strokes a hand down my hair and lay his cheek on my crown. I feel the slide of his cheek and am warmed by the thought of his smile.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to ask me twice. You’re welcome to use my body in your quest to find passion anytime.” He drawls and a giggle escapes me. “Now, I’m sufficiently in control of my seedy side, so why don’t we snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie?”

I gave him a bright smile and led him inside where we cuddled close, and watched a movie that had us both rolling with laughter. It felt so wonderful. I craved these times with Phin the most, the time we spent relaxed and just being together made me feel safe and happy. I almost didn’t recognize the feeling; happy and I had not been on speaking terms for quite some time.