Loving Hearts (9 page)

“I just hate to lose,” Esther said.

With Jeff and Rachel observing their every move, Ian took advantage. He grasped his courage and lowered his mouth to Esther’s, this time in a kiss that lingered.

When he eased back, Esther’s eyes remained closed, and he sensed she’d enjoyed every second of it. Her lids fluttered, then opened, and his heart soared with the look he saw in her eyes.

“We have to talk,” she whispered.

He nodded, excited that he’d finally be able to tell her the truth.

E
sther stared into the dusk through her window, confused and unsettled. She’d tried to talk with Ian after the picnic, but she’d blundered and ended up saying the opposite of what she meant—so she’d given up.

Either she had to learn to enjoy their friendship without any expectations or end it. Living alone so long, she’d become stubborn and controlling. When something didn’t fall into her pattern, her approved system, she pushed it away.

Years ago she’d realized she pushed people away before they had a chance to do the same to her…so she could feel in charge. But for once in her life, she didn’t want to push away anyone, and that anyone was Ian. He made her laugh and gave her life a different purpose besides helping library patrons find the references they needed.

Locating books and information once had given her a feeling of contentment and her life meaning.
Not anymore. She went to work each day hoping Ian might drop by, then went home hoping he’d call.

She still hadn’t shed her fear of sailing. Ian would never give up his love of the sea…and she really didn’t expect him to. The day they’d spent on Lake Michigan had brought back nostalgic loving memories of her family. Her uncle particularly. He’d been fun and full of life. When he’d died, part of her had died, too.

That was the day she’d questioned God. Why did so many evil people live when good, kind people died in needless boating accidents? Her logic had furnished an answer. Humankind did not think like God. If they did, they’d be God. She’d read so often in the Bible that everything had a purpose. But her heart had wanted to understand the purpose. Her heart had wanted an answer.

Just as her heart did today. She needed answers. Besides being concerned about Ian, she knew her sister dwelled in her mind. Rachel had phoned and asked to drop by. Esther could guess why—she’d seen the look in Jeff’s face more and more. The man wanted his bride. He wanted a wife and family. Esther couldn’t blame him.

The telephone rang, and she headed for it, wondering if Rachel had changed her mind. She said hello, and held her breath when she heard Ian’s voice.

“You said we should talk…and I think we should,” he said. “Can I come over?”

Her pulse thumped in her temple, and she looked
at the clock. “Rachel’s dropping by any minute. This isn’t a good time.”

“Later, then?”

His request pressed her to the wall. “I don’t know how long she’ll be here, Ian.” Esther also couldn’t decide what to talk about anymore. What did she want from Ian?

The line was heavy with silence.

“I can phone you if she leaves early,” Esther added.

He expelled a lengthy breath over the wire. “Okay.”

“I’ll call as soon as she leaves.”

“Thanks,” he said, and hung up.

What would she say to him? Should she end the charade before he did? Should she ask him to continue playing the game despite her heightened emotions? If she could just get her father to think rationally. That’s what she longed for. His philosophy made no sense at all.

A noise sounded at the door, and Esther hurried to the kitchen as Rachel stepped inside. “Hi,” she said, her eyes shifting away from Esther’s gaze.

“Let’s sit in the living room,” Esther said, motioning toward the archway. “How about some iced tea?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Rachel went ahead of her into the living room, and Esther filled two glasses, anticipating their conversation, which she knew would be emotional…and stressful.

When she stepped into the room, Rachel glanced up, then looked away and evaded Esther’s eyes.

After handing her the tea, Esther settled into a chair. “You look upset.”

Her sister shrugged. “Jeff and I had another argument.”

Knowing what was coming, Esther took a long drink of tea, giving her time to calm herself. “Over the engagement?”

“What else?”

“I don’t know what to say, Rachel. I’ve done as much as I can.” She’d done more than she ever thought she would, and now she’d agitated her own life trying to meet her sister’s needs. “What’s Jeff want you to do?”

“Elope.” Finally she looked at Esther. “You know I can’t do that.”

“I know.”

“He said if things don’t change soon he’s giving up.”

“Giving up?” The thought sent a wave of nausea through Esther. “He wouldn’t do that.”

“I never thought he would, but…” Tears pooled in Rachel’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “I don’t know anymore.”

“I can’t work miracles. You know that.” Esther clasped the bridge of her nose, praying for the right words. “I don’t know what the future holds for me, Rachel. I’m spending time with Ian.” She thanked the Lord for giving her the encouraging, yet careful words. “He’s a nice man.”

Silence hung on the air as Rachel lifted her head slowly. “Do you love him, Esther?”

Her plaintive voice sent a lump to Esther’s throat. How could she answer that question? Was it love she felt, or was it only infatuation? Or could it be delirium over someone who finally thought her interesting enough to ask for her company? Esther sent up a plea to God for help.

“Esther?”

“It’s too soon to know that, Rachel. We’ve only been seeing each other for little more than a month. How do I know?”

“But how do you feel about him? Do you want to be with him when he’s not around? Do you think about him when he’s not with you?”

Rachel’s questions startled Esther. Was her sister defining love? Swallowing her confusion, Esther answered, “Yes, I feel lonely sometimes…and I miss his company.”

With her admission, Rachel’s face brightened. “It sounds like love. Don’t you think?”

“Love takes two people with the same desire. I’m only one. I can’t speak for Ian.” Esther wished her sister would drop the subject and talk about what they could do to make things better. Brainstorm how to handle their father. Anything.

“I think Ian’s crazy about you,” Rachel said, hope filling her face. “How can you question his feelings? He’s so sweet and he looks content when you’re together.” Again her eyes begged Esther to agree.

“That might be, but I can’t make any predictions. Please don’t put me on the spot.”

Rachel’s face wrestled with emotion. “Have you told Dad about Ian? How nice he is and that you’re dating? Maybe if Dad thought there was hope he’d have a change of heart.”

They both knew better than that. Esther’s stomach churned with her sister’s queries. “No, I’ve never mentioned him. I told Dad I was doing a big research job for Bay Breeze. You know Dad. He was interested in that and asked a million questions.”

Rachel shifted forward, leaning closer as if lessening the distance between them would result in the answer she wanted. “Would you?”

“Would I what?”

“You know. Would you tell Dad about him? Better yet, take Ian to meet Dad. Just casually. Tell him you were in the neighborhood and decided to drop by. I think if he saw the two of you together…that might make a difference.”

“Oh, Rachel.” Esther bit her tongue, wanting to tell her it would make no difference at all. She wanted to shake her. But looking into Rachel’s sad eyes, Esther lost her courage. “Don’t ask me to do something like that. Please. That would be lying. Lying is sinful. We don’t do that in this family.”

“It’s not lying. It’s introducing your father to the man you’re dating. Why is that lying?”

Esther fell back against the sofa cushion. “You’re putting me on the spot, and I don’t like it.”

Rachel leaped from the chair and knelt at Esther’s feet. “You know I’d do anything for you if you needed me.” Her eyes filled with tears again.

“Stop it, Rachel. I’ll see what I can do. Let me
figure out something.” The pain churning in her stomach rose and settled in her heart.

“Thank you. I’m desperate, Esther. Jeff’s desperate.” Rachel rested her forehead on the armrest and picked at the nubs on the upholstery.

Esther shook her head. No one could be as desperate as she felt at that moment.

Ian pulled into Esther’s driveway, turned off the lights and engine, then rested his head on the steering wheel. He’d been relieved when Esther phoned to tell him Rachel had left, but now he feared the conversation he and Esther were about to have.

She wanted to talk. He wanted to talk. But did they want to talk about the same thing? Esther had stumbled over some dialogue after the picnic, but she’d contradicted herself. Finally she’d given up and withdrawn again. Being with Esther seemed like a roller-coaster ride. Things went smoothly and slowly, but all the while, Ian knew they would reach a peak and things would go downhill.

He remembered the day she’d called him handsome.
I’ve been thinking. You’re handsome to me with or without glasses.
He’d felt wonderful, realizing that she was right. What’s inside is more important. Then in the next breath she said something that confused him.

Maybe the relationship wasn’t worth it. Admiring Esther from afar seemed easier. Back then, he’d often sit in the library and wonder what it would be like to spend time with her, talking about all kinds of things. She seemed to know so much. Other times,
he looked at her delicate frame and longed to slip his arm around her waist…or taste the sweetness of her tempting lips.

But dreams and reality weren’t the same. They did have fun talking about things, but whenever she relaxed and began to accept their friendship something happened and her tension would rise again. Tonight he felt sure she would say goodbye. Their relationship would be strictly business.

He lifted his head and slapped the steering wheel. Sitting here like a coward served no purpose. He pushed open the car door and stepped into the night air. The scent of summer heat and warmed soil hovered over him. He slammed the car door, then went to the house and tapped on the screen.

From inside, the silence changed to footsteps, and soon Esther stood on the landing, unlatching the door. “Hi,” she said, pushing it open.

Though she grinned at him, she looked stressed, and he remembered Rachel’s visit. “Is everything okay?”

“Sure. Everything’s fine.” She locked the screen and followed him into the kitchen.

How could he respond? Obviously she wasn’t telling him the truth. Something was wrong.

She headed for the refrigerator, then stopped and turned to face him. “Things aren’t fine at all. I just had a horrible hour with Rachel.”

Encouraged by her honesty, he neared her and rested his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. It must have been serious.”

“The engagement. Jeff’s tired of waiting. It’s the
same story.” She turned back, opened the refrigerator and pulled out a pitcher of iced tea. “Would you like some?”

“Sure,” he said, scrutinizing the tension in her posture. He ached for her.

“I don’t know what I can do to help.”

Ian knew what she could do. Fall in love and marry. He looked at her with longing, wishing he had captured her heart. Wishing things could be different.

She poured the liquid into a glass and handed it to him. “Let’s sit in the living room.”

He strode through the doorway, and, seeing her filled glass on an end table, he chose a nearby chair and sat.

Esther sank into the seat cushion and shook her head. “I’m not in a very good mood. Sorry.”

“No problem. Tonight probably isn’t a good time for us to talk.” He leaned back, his mind swirling with possibilities. “I have a hard time understanding all of this. I wish I knew your dad. I’d like to meet him.”

Esther’s heart skipped a beat, then bounded to a gallop. She couldn’t believe what he’d said…almost as if God were directing their conversation. “What good would that do?”

“I don’t know. I’d have a better idea what you’re up against.” He chuckled. “I’m making your dad sound like the enemy.”

“He’s a good father, but sometimes he does seem like an adversary. He’s a character. Stubborn as a mule.”

A few seconds passed while she gathered her
thoughts. She’d spent hours trying to decide if she should push Ian away before he told her he wanted out of her problems. Now she sensed God moving her in another direction. A direction that could complicate her life even more. “If you’d like to meet him, come with me on Sunday. I’m going to church with him, then cooking his dinner.”

“Sunday? Church and dinner? Don’t you think he’d find it odd to bring me along?”

“He’d love the company. Dad enjoys conversation.”

His face was thoughtful for a moment. “Sure. Why not?”

She released a pent-up breath.

Folding his hands across his stomach, Ian stretched out his legs, resting his shoes on their heels, and sent her a tender smile.

He looked comfortable and content. Without hesitation, he’d agreed to meet her dad…so why did apprehension poke at her?

“Feel better?” he asked.

“Not better, but at least you’ll understand what I’m going through. That helps.”

“Misery likes company,” he said.

“I suppose you can put it that way.” She grinned, and it felt wonderful. She took a sip of tea, wondering if she should bring up their original purpose for getting together.

After a lengthy silence, Ian tucked in his legs and rested his elbows on his knees. “You wanted to talk.”

Not anymore, she didn’t. Or did she? So many
things needed to be out in the open. “I suppose I did.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to find the words. “I guess I feel tense sometimes because…well…I worry that you’re spending all this time with me and you’d much rather be doing something else.”

“What else do you think I’d rather be doing?”

He had bypassed an answer with a question, and the reason concerned her. “Sailing…or spending your time with someone else.”

“I’m sailing this weekend. You’re welcome to come along. In fact, Jeff’s hinted that he and Rachel would like an invitation.”

“Jeff and Rachel?” That put her on the spot. “What did you say to Jeff?”

“I told him I’d see if you’re free and would like to come along.” A gentle look settled on his face. “I didn’t know if you were ready to try again.”

Was she ready? A shudder ran through her. “I don’t know. I enjoyed the day we sailed, but I ruined it for you by getting jumpy.”