Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (14 page)

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY SEX LIFE

We have different thoughts on how to keep our sex life robust.

I’d like this to happen occasionally:

All in the same day. In case that wasn’t clear.

Crappy Husband would like this to happen occasionally:

Every day. In case that wasn’t clear.

For variety, he’ll also settle for sex and a pizza. And I’ll settle for candles and flowers.

Marriage is about compromise.

FOREPLAY THEN VERSUS NOW

When we were dating (and married without kids), this was his preferred method of foreplay:

He’d enter a room and loudly announce the existence of his penis.

This worked enough times that he still does it. But now, two kids later:

It isn’t nearly as effective.

For me, when we were dating (and married without kids), this was my preferred method of foreplay:

A glass of wine and a massage worked like magic to put me in the mood.

Now, two kids later, this same combination still works like magic.

Works like magic to put me to sleep.

THE QUICKIE WINDOW

Quickies happen when you are married and have busy lives.

They are the microwaved food of the marital sex world. Convenient. Fast. Not particularly great . . . but just satisfying enough that you’ll do it again soon.

Married with kids quickies are a totally different brand than the ones you enjoyed back in the early steamy days of your pre-kid life.

Back then, quickies involved clothes being ripped off with each other’s teeth and dishes being thrown off the table. Delicious.

Quickies are different now.

Parents don’t even take their clothes off for quickies. There’s no time for that romantic shit. We just make the necessary parts accessible and then plug in.

Hurry up, the kids are banging at the door!

But sometimes even quickies are hard to come by when you have little kids.

That’s like admitting, “I’m starving, but I can’t use the microwave because the kids are standing right in front of it.”

Kids are the world’s best cock blockers. And it makes sense evolutionarily. Sex leads to babies and babies should be avoided. Another sibling just means someone else will have a stake in the popsicles in the freezer. Sex = babies = fewer popsicles.

So you have to find the right window of opportunity for your quickies. Distraction methods like TV work well. Did you know that TV programming for children was invented so parents could still have sex during daylight hours? I mean, probably.

Crappy Husband is notoriously bad at determining whether or not there is a quickie opportunity. To him, there is always a quickie opportunity. He is way too optimistic.

Kids are looking out the window at a squirrel for two seconds? Quickie!

Kids are fighting over a toy but nobody is bleeding? Quickie!

He invents these windows. They don’t actually exist.

I’m more pragmatic about identifying actual quickie windows, so sometimes we don’t agree.

The other day . . .

We’re all in the kitchen and I just gave the kids popsicles.

Translation: Quickie!

I laugh and say I don’t really think we’ve stumbled on a true quickie window. Sure, they have treats that will keep them occupied for ninety seconds, but they’re being rather clingy today. It isn’t going to work.

He says, “No, you’re wrong! It is a quickie window! Let’s just sneak away. They aren’t even paying attention!”

Just then Crappy Boy turns around and says:

Not paying attention, eh?

Moments later Crappy Boy leaves the room. Crappy Baby follows him.

Crappy Husband is hopeful again. The window reopened! “See? They’re leaving the room. We can sneak away! This is the perfect window!”

Is he right? I’m still not sure.

We start to sneak away.

I hear the sound of a window shutting in my head.

So I point to the wall and say:

And Crappy Baby explodes with laughter.