Measuring Up (27 page)

“I…”

“Just open it.”

“I…”

“Please?”

“Only because you asked nicely.”

He doesn’t smile when he says, “Thank you.”

Slowly, I unfold the paper. It’s a college form. His college form, where he can declare his major. The box that’s checked reads, “undeclared”.

My hands start to shake. I’m not sure what to think. “You’re not going to be a physical therapist?”

He shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not
sure. I figure I don’t have to decide right now
. I can take classes, take some time, to see what I want to do. It’s a big decision, you know.”

Joy and hope spread through my body, warming me. He deserves to be happy.

“This past six weeks have killed me, Annabel Lee. I missed you so much, but I was so pissed. First at you because I loved you so much, but I couldn’t have you.
Then at me because I realized—
”

“You couldn’t have me?” Six weeks of pain, questions, anger explode from me. Things I should have said that last day, but was too scared. “You had me, Tegan and you threw me away! And why? You know I love your family. I would have understood anything you needed to do with them.”

“I know.” He stands there, waiting for whatever I throw at him.

“You
hurt
me, Tegan. More than anyone in my life because I
trusted
you more than anyone else.” I don’t know where it comes from, but I poke his chest with my finger. “And you threw that away. The first time something bad ha
ppened, you left me, just like—
”

“My
dad.” His eyes fall closed and he lets out a deep breath, before opening them again. “I did exactly what my dad did. When I didn’t know how to handle something, I ran.”

Oh.
I hadn’t expected him to see it. “I thought I had to be everything for them. That letting myself have something for
me
meant I wasn’t giving them what they deserved.”

My hands are wigging out so much, I don’t know what to do with them, so I shove them in my pockets. “You’re only huma
n, Tegan. You’re nineteen years-
old! It’s okay to love them, but you can’t dedicate your life to them.”

“You’re right…
I can’t and they don’t need me to anyway. I don’t know why I didn’t see it, but I see it now.”

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.
I try to focus on slowing my heart, but I can only focus on him.

“I… I went and saw my dad. Told him how I felt about him.
I talked to Mom and she told me
how much of a conceited, big head I am. Timmy called me a dumbass and Mom didn’t even tell him to watch his mouth. I needed to get over myself. Stop feeling sorry for m
e, for them. Stop thinking I could
handle everything, because I couldn’t and I don’t want to. Why was it my job to save them? Be there for them? Yeah. Save them? No. They’re not even the ones who needed it. It was me.”

I can’t explain how hard it is not to reach out and grab him now. Not to wrap my arms around him. Not to taste him. Not to soak up all his ocean and boy scent. But I can’t. Not yet. “No one can save anyone else, Tegan. I’ve learned that. We all have to save ourselves.”

“I know, baby. I know. Everything I’ve done the past few weeks has been the right thing, but it still didn’t feel right.
It didn’t feel good.
And then Timmy had his game tonight and I knew what was missing.
You.
I want to hold your hand while I watch him. See your face light up while
you
watch him. If you’re int
erested, we can go to his game…
Maybe talk some more after? We’re going to be late. I called my Mom a little while ago and told her I came here first. She said to give you another half hour. I swear that woman is psychic sometimes.”

He didn’t miss the game to avoid me.

He didn’t even know I was there.

And he’s the one who called Dana.

She’s the one who sent me home.

I can’t help it, I laugh.

“Talk about a buzz kill. You laughing at me was the second worst way I imagined this going.” He gives me his half smile. The playful one, but his eyes are still unsure. They’re pleading with me.

“I was at the game. I saw your mom and Tim at the coffee shop and they invited me. I thought you weren’t there be
cause you found out I was going
. Then someone called—which I now know was you and your mom told me to go home.”

“She played us. That sounds like her.
” He bites his lip. I’ve never seen him look like this before.
“
Or maybe she just wanted to give us the chance to talk in private. Are you up for it? Talking, I mean?”

“What about the game? That’s important.”

Tegan steps closer to me. Not too close, not enough to touch me, but enough so I smell him. I want to wrap myself in that scent. In him.

“It is, but you’re important too. There will be other game
s
.”

The old me wouldn’t have said this, but the new me can’t hold it in.
I sit on the curb and he goes down beside me.
Even though my voice shakes. Even though my eyes are wet, I still open my mouth and say, “You broke me, Tegan.”

He runs a hand through
h
is hair, pushing it away from his face and I see his eyes are wet. Wet with unshed tears like mine.

But it wasn’t all his fault, was it? “I thought you were perfect.”

“I know. I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny.”

“And you shouldn’t be. It wasn’t fair for me to see you that way. You’d said it so many times about my mom, Em, me. No one is perfect. We all screw up, but I wanted—no, I needed you to be perfect because I saw myself as such a mess.” I clear my throat, hoping to stall, knowing my words are true, even though I didn’t know it until right this second. “Even if you didn’t break up with me then, somehow, we would have fallen apart.”

Tegan turns on the curb to look at me. His eyes are red. There’s none of his cockiness there. Nothing between us. “No, I love you. We broke up because I screwed up.”

“No, we would have regardless, because I needed you. It shouldn’t be like that. Love should be love. Want should be want. You can love someone with all your heart. They can
be
your heart, but you have to be able to stand on your own and I couldn’t.” These words hurt so much, but they’re freeing too.

“You never needed me, you just thought you did.”

There is my truth. I thought I needed him, but I didn’t. The only person I need is myself. It took losing him
to know how to stand on my own. Now—now I know that regardless of my weight or who my boyfriend is, my friends are, or how anyone else feels about me, I really do measure up. I know how to stand tall
and the amazing part is, he does too. I was his crutch as well, I just didn’t know
it. “I know. Now, I know that I didn’t need you.”

Tegan smiles at me. The first real smile he’s given me today. “I needed you too. I don’t anymore, but…I want you.” I shiver when his hand slides through my hair. “I missed this, how soft your hair is.”

“I missed you too.” My eyes are closed and I’m leaning into his hand.

When he speaks again, his voice is so soft, soft, but strong, firm in what he says. “You’re so beautiful, Annabel Lee. Inside and out. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too.”

“Open your eyes, please.” There’s so much heartache in his voice, that I can’t help but do what he asks.

“Maybe I don’t deserve to ask you this, but I’m going to anyway. I want another chance. I want us to be together, with nothing in between us. No need, no pain, hurt, fear. I want us together because we want to be. Because we love each other. I’ll never leave you again.”

It takes me a couple minutes before I can find my voice. He loves me. He wants to get back together with me. And I want that. We both want that. Not need. There’s a huge difference there.
It’s like the air between us is clean. It’s always been pure, because we’ve always really loved each other, but now we’re
ready
to be in love. Ready to be together. “I missed jogging with you. I missed talking to you. I missed your big head. I love you too and I want to be with you so much it hurts.”

My words are cut off
by his mouth. I still know his movements so well. Know when to give, know when he’s going to take. I fall backward in the grass, Tegan leaning over me, tasting me deeply. Too soon, the kiss is over.

“I love you, Annabel Lee.”

“I love you, Tegan Edgar Collins.”

“Want go to back to my apartment? I bet my mom and brother are still gone—ouch. Good to see you still hit.”

“Good to see you’re still a pervert.”

He stands, and pulls me to my feet. “Okay, so plan number two. We go finish the rest of Timmy’s game, and then go get physical.”

I smack his arm again.

“Ouch! I meant go for a jog! You know, for old time’s sake. Who’s the pervert now?”

I shake my head and grab his hand. “
Come on. Let’s go.” It’s not him setting the pace and me trying to catch up or
vice
versa. We walk
away together, equal.

The End

Acknowledgement:

As always a big thanks to my hubby and children. I love you all so much. To my Trio of awesomeness: Jolene Perry, Wendy Higgins, and Kelley York. Anyone who pre-read Annabel and Tegan’s story: Kate, Jen, Jenny, Kristy and I hope I’m not forgetting anyone else. A thanks to my awesome friend Steph Campbell just for being you. It’s amazing how much easier everything is when you have the incredible people in your corner that I do.

Also, to any and all readers who have given any of my books a chance. That means the world to me.

About the Author:

Writing has always been Nyrae Dawn’s passion. There have been times in her life where she wasn’t able to chase that dream the way she desired, but she always found her way back to telling stories.
One of her loves has always been writing about teens. There’s something so fresh and fun about the age that she loves exploring. Her husband says it’s because she doesn’t want to grow up. She doesn’t think that’s such a bad thing and luckily for her, he doesn’t either.
Nyrae gravitates toward character-driven stories. She loves going on emotional journeys with characters whether it be reading or writing. And yes, she’s a total romantic at heart and proud.
 

Nyrae resides in sunny Southern California with her husband (who still makes her swoon) and her two awesome kids.
When she’s not with her family, you can be pretty sure you’ll find her with a book in her hand or her laptop and an open document in front of her.