Mom's the Word (21 page)

• Nothing. There is nothing I can do.
  
• Pray. Maybe God can do something.
  

—Dyanne

H
aving her blood drawn didn't hurt. The waiting did.

Neal was back in his protector role and all Dyanne could do was watch. “Please. Can you tell us something about the test?”

“We've faxed the results to your doctors. I'm sure they'll be in touch with you soon.”

To their surprise, both doctors called not long after the appointment. Both seemed concerned.

“Take her to the hospital, just to be sure. Her numbers are way up. It could be retained tissue. It could be something else.”

Neal was tired of something else. “Like what?”

The doctor paused, probably thinking of his malpractice premiums. “There's no way for me to be sure. I can't make a diagnosis without seeing her. There are a number of possibilities. Ectopic pregnancy among them—”

“What?” Dyanne didn't know which word hit her hardest: ectopic or pregnancy. “There is no pregnancy. You looked at everything. My hormones went down—”

“I'm sorry this happened while you're away. Go to the hospital. Perhaps I can recommend someone where you are once a diagnosis has been made.”

While Neal drove, Dyanne looked up “ectopic” on her BlackBerry, which had finally come back from being repaired just in time for the trip. A friend in college had had one of those tubal pregnancies, but Dyanne couldn't remember exactly what they'd done to treat it. What she really couldn't deal with was the possibility that there was still a pregnancy at all.

The other doctor, Dr. Lee from New York, had been Dyanne's gynecologist for all the years she'd been married. He was an old-school doctor, the type that younger physicians rolled their eyes at when he lectured them. The type that the hospital called for to deliver the babies that no one had been taught to deal with. He knew things that weren't in books, things that could only be learned by living. He'd also been telling Dyanne for five years that she ought to go ahead and have a baby. His accent, a motley brogue from around the world, fell heavy on her ears after every annual appointment.

“You work too hard, Dyanne. You're getting angular, bony around the neck. Don't let this city get to you. It'll make you all pointy and sad if you let it. Make the time. Move to the island. A girl like you likes to win and won't let up until she does. You would have made a great doctor, you know. But since you aren't one, have a baby. The world has too many books as it is.”

Dr. Lee's words and the frequency with which he'd said them, came back to Dyanne now as the man's voice echoed out of Neal's closed phone.

“Got yourself a babe there did you, Dyanne? I'm so proud of you. The both of you.”

A sob choked in Dyanne's throat but she choked it back down. She loved that old man, but sometimes he could be cruel, so cruel. The look on Neal's face said that he thought so, too.

“We had a baby, Doc. Lost it. We don't know what's going on now. Dee's got some tissue or something in her tubes. I don't know.”

“Hmm…I don't know. That's not what the labs say to me. Is she bleeding?”

Dyanne spoke up. “No.”

“When you get to the emergency room have them do a scan, both inside and out. I'm a bit off my game these days and older than even I think I am, but I'd wager that you two have a surprise waiting for you at the hospital. I'll ring the driver and we'll start heading your way.”

“Please don't. I don't know why Neal called you. I know you're heading toward retirement now. I had planned to come up for a check, just for my own peace of mind, but there's no reason—”

“You, dear, are reason enough. Those gifts you get me every Christmas give an old man something to look forward to. The fruit of the month just arrived—organic cherries. They're like candy. I'll bring some. Now drive safe and don't worry.”

For some reason, Dyanne really wasn't worried. If there was one thing that all of this was teaching her, it was that she was not in control. Neither were doctors, husbands or book publishers.

A text appeared on her phone.

 

KSimon: Praying 4 u !!!

 

Dyanne. Thorn: Thnx

 

She'd also learned that friends didn't always come from the places you expected. And that home is where the heart is. And right now, her heart was back in Tallahassee in Fallon and Judah's herb garden waiting for some summer rain.

Rain on me, God. Give me something. You said to trust You, so I will. I just need You to come with me. To show me what You want me to see.

When they arrived at the hospital, Dyanne's father, Fallon and Ryan were already at the emergency room. Neal had probably called them somewhere in all of this, but Dyanne had missed it. Either way, she was very glad that he had.

“Daddy.” She buried her face in her father's shirt before being called back to a triage room. Neal seemed upbeat and cocky again and assured everyone—meaning Fallon—that everything would work out.

“Doesn't it always?” he asked.

Dyanne couldn't argue with that. It was just what it took for things to work out that worried her. She didn't really want to be the vessel God used to make things okay.

And why don't you?

Hmm…good question. Fear. There was no other way around it. Dyanne was deathly afraid. Of what she wasn't quite sure, since she'd already tried to get pregnant, gotten pregnant when she wasn't trying and lost a baby all within a few weeks. She wondered if it wasn't the fear of not being able to have any children. That would have been reasonable, but she'd almost eliminated that possibility herself before coming on this trip. If she was honest, she'd probably have had the surgery already if she'd stayed at home instead of coming with Fallon.

So if she wasn't scared of losing the baby or not having any more, there was just one more thing to deal with: Dyanne was afraid of God.

I just don't always know what You're going to do. I know Daddy says I'll understand it when I get to heaven, but I guess I want to understand it now.

After getting her vital signs and asking several questions, the nurse sent Dyanne back out to the waiting room. When she walked out, Ryan grabbed her hand first. He hadn't said much in all of this, but now his eyes were filled with purpose and determination.

“‘Faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things unseen.'”
He let out a breath and released Dyanne's hand. “I was supposed to tell you that. I think I was supposed to tell me that, too.”

Before she could respond, the nurse called Dyanne back one last time and gave her the shock of her life.

 

“All done. You can sit up now,” the nurse said, patting Dyanne on the shoulder.

The ultrasound that Dr. Lee had recommended had sounded harmless, but it had turned out to be quite the adventure. Neal laced his fingers in hers as the nurse stepped into the hall.

“It looks like your doctor has arrived,” she said. “I'll let him go over the scans with you. Good luck!”

Good luck? Sometimes people said the dumbest things. Dyanne made a mental note not to use that phrase in these types of situations. She'd take one of Fallon's “God knows” over that any day.

Dr. Lee walked in with his usual pep. Only his eyes, set back deeper in his face since they'd seen him last, and his hair, a much brighter white than Dyanne remembered, gave away his age.

“Ah. The newlyweds. Come, come. Let's see what we have. Cherries?” He patted his pocket.

Neal looked as if he wanted to throw up. He had a thing about not eating in hospitals. Fruit from an old guy's pockets was probably out of bounds, too. Dyanne shrugged and opened her hands. It was too late to escape the contaminants of the hospital, she figured.

Dr. Lee chuckled. “Good girl.” He looked the screen over and nodded. A technician entered the room and helped him zoom in on what he was looking at so that the two of them could see.

Neal saw it first. He dropped Dyanne's hand.

Dyanne covered her mouth.

On the screen and inside Dyanne was a heart.

A beating heart.

“But how?” Dyanne's fingers trembled as she asked the question. Neal held her shoulders gently as he stared, mouth open, at the monitor.

The doctor popped a cherry into his mouth. “A twin, I believe. I had a case like this back in 1972. She'd had no X-ray and went home to carry on naturally. A month later, she was back in my office asking when she'd be thin again. It took a while for me to give her an answer. Later that year, she had a healthy boy. He still keeps in touch.”

She fell back against the bed. “Did you say twin?”

“Yes. You lost one, but the other thrived. The hormones went down but now they're back up again. I can definitely see why there was an ectopic concern. But now you know for sure. You're having a baby, pet. You're finally having a baby.”

The words rushed over Dyanne like a blanket of water, a sheet of rain after a long drought. Neal was kissing her eyes, her ears, but she couldn't see him, couldn't hear what he was saying.

She was somewhere else, some place still and quiet, the cave where all her monsters lived. In her heart, Dyanne stepped over the threshold and went in, knowing that God was with her.

 

Airport goodbyes had never been Dyanne's thing. After so many times of leaving Neal behind or being the one left behind, she'd learned how to turn off her emotions and do what had to be done.

Her baby, however, had not quite mastered goodbyes. Rising hormone levels and miraculous news make for messy goodbyes. Thus, the crying…

“Don't cry, honey. Everything is going to be just fine. Your daddy is going to take good care of me,” Fallon said, looking a little too convinced. Her hair had grown a little and her earrings had gone from fist-size down to fifty-cent pieces. Dyanne wasn't sure what that meant, but for once, she didn't let it worry her.

“I know it's going to be okay. Daddy knows what to do. It's just that, I'm going to miss you. Who is going to make Green Mama smoothies for me?”

“I am!” Ryan's hand shot up.

They all laughed. Neal put the boy's hand down. “We'll handle that together, sport.”

Dyanne shook her head and gave everyone one last hug before starting for the front of the plane. Ryan seemed pretty happy about his first plane ride. His parents hadn't been quite so excited, but they all agreed that Ryan should come home with Neal and Dyanne instead of staying on the road with Fallon and Reverend Kelvin. The two of them had tried to act disappointed when it was decided that they'd go on alone, but Dyanne knew better.

“I know what you're thinking, Dee. Don't worry. I'm a grown woman who can hold her mustard. True enough, your daddy is fine, but the Lord will watch over between you and me. I can't put a hand on the man without feeling bad. Real bad. Believe me, I've tried.”

“Hush, Faye. Let's get these kids on the plane,” the reverend said, trying not to laugh. “Don't pay her any mind, daughter. You know you don't have to worry about us old folks. You just go home, put your feet up and take care of that baby.”

Baby. There it was again. It was on everyone's lips now, but Dyanne still had to force herself to say it. It still seemed too bright and shiny of a word, too big of a dream. The fear that she'd faced at the hospital, the fear that God would somehow pull the rug from beneath her when she least expected it hadn't gone away. Dyanne wasn't convinced that the pregnancy would go to term, but she'd decided that maybe it wasn't just about that—the outcome.

Maybe it was about making a peaceful place for one of God's souls to live inside of her for however long he or she was going to live. Maybe it wasn't about Dyanne and Neal at all, but about something eternal and breathless that she couldn't hold in her hands.

Though she had yet to give birth and wasn't sure that she ever would, Dyanne had learned quite a bit about motherhood. She'd always wondered how people like Karol had more and more children and somehow managed to love them all. She realized now that every bit of love made more love. She hoped, no prayed, that this love would be enough to get her through whatever came next.

So far it had seen her through thousands of miles of uncertainty. Now it would carry her home.

For you, dancers sway dipping

Moonlight into dark. One heard

Heaven's call, slipped away.

Mother pulse music born, you

Kept her song inside.

And so, in palm shade, high

Tide, we will sing of your

Shadow. We will dance the

Duet made one, clapping

Thankful thunder that

Your smile sings

For us in cloudy hollows.

We will sing of your shadow,

Knowing both given, one

Taken, but none lost.

 

—Karol

Upon learning about Dyanne's baby