More than Survival: A Post-apocalyptic Love Story (8 page)

“This is going to be a little uncomfortable at first.”

I froze, my eyes growing wide with fear. “It’s going to hurt?”

“Just a little. I promise, it will pass. And I’ll make it worthwhile. Are you sure you want to do this?” His eyes held mine, the tip of him pressed into me as he waited for me to tell him yes or no.

I nodded as fast as I could, but I knew he wanted to hear me say it. “Yes. I want you inside me.”

Sawyer grabbed my hips and pressed forward, pushing into me. Stretching my body as he eased inside. It was tight and awkward, but it didn’t hurt. Not really. He pushed a little farther, sucking in a deep breath.

“This is the part that might hurt. Are you still okay?”

I nodded and gripped his shoulders. “I am.”

“Hang on.”

Sawyer thrust forward and a sharp pain shot through me. I winced and squeezed my eyes shut, but just like he’d said the pain eased after a few seconds. Sawyer didn’t move until I relaxed, then he slowly began to pull out before pushing back in. He picked up the tempo, moving in and out of me, faster with each second. My mind was spinning from the sensation, and just like earlier when he’d used his hand, I could feel that thing building inside me. A swirl of pleasure that shook my body and made me want to beg for more.

Sawyer grunted and lifted my right leg, bending it back to give him a better angle as he moved faster. Driving me wild. I dug my nails into his arms as everything in me tightened, and then all at once my body exploded under his. Flexing. Quaking from the inside out as I cried out his name.

“I have to stop soon,” he said before I’d even really had a chance to come down. “I’m going to finish on your stomach.”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I trusted him so I nodded. Sawyer moved in and out of me one more time before pulling out completely. Then he stroked himself a couple times and his body shuddered just like mine had. Warm, sticky liquid sprayed out of him, pooling on my stomach as he pumped his hand up and down. My eyes felt like they were going to bug out of my head, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was watch as more sprayed out.

Then he collapsed next to me on his back, his breathing heavy and his skin moist. I didn’t move from where I was. If I did, whatever he’d just sprayed all over me would get on my bed, and I had absolutely no idea what had just happened.

A few seconds passed before Sawyer sat up. He grabbed his shirt off the floor, then used it to clean me up. I still didn’t move.

“Lucy?” I turned to face him, and he frowned. “Are you okay? I thought you liked it.”

“I did. I just—” I felt like an idiot. “I don’t know what just happened.”

“Wait. What?”

“Why did you do that on me?” I waved toward my stomach.

Sawyer sat back and ran his hand through his hair. “Sorry. Shit. I guess we should have talked about that before. I don’t want you to get pregnant, and condoms are hard to come by. I haven’t had the need.”

I nodded like I knew what he was talking about. There was no way I would admit my inexperience to him again. It made me feel like a child, and I was a woman now. He had done that for me, and I wanted to enjoy it.

“Of course. That makes sense.”

Sawyer narrowed his eyes on my face, and the worry in his expression was obvious. “Otherwise, was it okay?”

It had been amazing up until that crazy moment that still had my head spinning, and I hated that I’d made him think otherwise.

“Yes! Oh my God!” I sat up and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. “It was wonderful. Thank you.”

Sawyer smiled and pulled me against him, then collapsed on the bed again. “No, thank you! You have no idea how much I’ve missed sex.” He kissed the side of my head and let out a deep breath. “I was starting to think I’d never get laid again.”

I smiled even though my stomach sill clenched with confusion. There were so many questions in my head, but I would have to wait until Sawyer left me alone so I could look through that damn book again. If only I’d read the whole thing instead of getting embarrassed by the details. What else had I missed? I had no idea, but I had a feeling there was a lot more to sex than what had just happened, and I didn’t want to be unprepared.

“Are those your parents?” Sawyer asked after a few minutes of silence.

I turned to the dresser, knowing he was referring to the picture that sat on top. “Yes. Seamus was nice enough to pack it the night my mom died. He says we’re at Disney World, but I hardly remember it. I was five, maybe. I’m not sure and neither is he. It’s the only picture I have of them.”

I swallowed, studying the picture. We’re all smiling, standing in front of a castle. My mom’s dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and my dad was holding me, smiling. His hair was the same color as mine, although it was hard to tell with how faded the picture was. I hate thinking one day I won’t even be able to see their faces anymore.

Daddy was the first to get sick. It started with a low fever, then turned into the aches. By the time the virus hit him full-force, he was screaming from the pain in his joints. He died in less than thirty-six hours.

By the time Mama got sick, it already felt like my world was going to implode. Around us, civilization was slowly disappearing. There was no more TV and the only radio stations still working were the ones that had been taken over by conspiracy theorists. They screamed through the radio speakers so loud you could practically hear the spittle as it slammed against the microphone in front of them. They yelled about biological weapons and terrorist attacks. They blamed the government for anything and everything.

Not much of what they said made sense to me.

Unlike Daddy, Mama didn’t scream or cry or beg for death. She did her best to take care of me. Even when her legs shook and she had a hard time standing up. She burned with fever, but she was there to tuck me in every night for two weeks. I started to believe she’d pull through. That she was stronger than the virus.

I didn’t know she was only hanging on for me.

“It’s nice that you have something to remember them by,” Sawyer said, giving me a squeeze. “I don’t have a picture of my family, which sucks. I should have packed one. At the time, I was too worried about food and gas and trying to find a safe place. All hell had broken loose and people would kill you on the spot if they thought they could get a granola bar from you. It was horrible.”

I rubbed his chest, hoping to ease some of his pain, but knowing just a touch from me couldn’t do it. Not really. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Didn’t you see stuff like that?”

I saw riots from far away as Seamus and I fled my house. The city burning, the people going mad. The grief over losing so much so fast drove them to do things they never would have done normally. When they realized there was no one to make them pay, it only got worse.

But I hadn’t seen anything up close, not the way Sawyer had.

I shook my head, rubbing my face against his strong chest. It was a nice place to be. “Seamus brought me here right away. We saw some fires in the city—I grew up just outside St. Paul—but we were lucky. We only had one close call when Seamus stopped to check on a prepper friend of his. The man was half-crazy and he started firing the second we drove up, but they had some signal worked out and Seamus managed to get him to stop.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah. The guy was already sick and he knew he was on his way out, so he made Seamus take all the supplies he had stockpiled. It gave us an extra five years of food.”

“How much did Seamus already have?”

I shrugged, even though I already knew. “For himself, he had enough for seven years. Maybe more. But he added me, so that cut his supply in half. That other man had even more, mostly MREs, which we still have a lot of in the basement. He made it possible for us to keep going as long as we have.”

Sawyer gave a little grunt that sounded like approval. I couldn’t help smiling. Seamus would like this man, I was sure of it. Even though I knew there would be a few tense moments if my uncle did walk through the door one day and found Sawyer living with me, he would ultimately accept him. Love him even.

woke up warm and cozy for the first time since summer had turned into fall. Sawyer’s body was pressed against mine, his bare legs tangled with my own. It felt nice to have him snuggled close to me.

A few seconds later he stretched, raising his arms above his head as he rolled onto his back. Every muscle in his body tensing as he tried to force himself to wake up. He cracked one eye, and looked my way. With his dark hair all mussed from sleep, he looked adorably hot. Better than anything I’d ever seen in my life.

“Morning,” I said, smiling shyly as I pulled the quilt up to my chin.

I didn’t know why. He’d seen me naked. Been inside me. Sucked at my breasts. This man had me wrapped around his finger and he didn’t even know it.

Sawyer grinned and pulled me against him. “Waking up next to you is like a dream come true.”

I smiled so big my cheeks hurt from the effort.

Only seconds later, he groaned and moved away from me, standing up so he could grab his pants off the floor. “Need to get some work done. We didn’t do much yesterday, thanks to you.”

He winked as he stepped into his pants, pulling them up, then tucked his privates away. I sat up, watching in fascination. Then his eyes landed on me and he froze. They swept over my body slowly, causing every inch of my bare flesh to heat up. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but the look in his eyes made me feel like he was considering taking a bite out of me.

“Although, staying in bed with you all day long doesn’t sound half bad. Damn, Lucy. Do you even know how perfect you are?”

“Me?”

I looked down at myself, but I was the same as I’d always been. Long slender legs, flat belly, breasts that were full and heavy and round. My nipples were dark pink and hard, poking out like little beacons. There was nothing about me that really stood out in my opinion, but then again, I had never seen another woman naked other than that brief glimpse in that magazine. In fact, I hadn’t seen another woman since I was seven years old.

Sawyer took my arms and pulled me to my feet, never taking his eyes off my nakedness. “Yes, you. Your uncle was right to hide you away like this. There are men who would kill for you happily, and here I just stumbled upon you.” He shook his head and smiled. “I can’t believe my luck. I’ve wanted you since that moment I laid you on the couch, injured and scared. You looked so beautiful in the firelight. But I never would have forced this on you, Lucy. Never.”

He ran his hands down my chest and over my breasts. Slowly. Like he was savoring the feel of me. Then he took a step closer and his lips brushed against my collar bone. He ran his tongue down my body, between my breasts to my belly button, and I closed my eyes. His hands went to my hips, then around to my backside. My eyes were still closed when I felt his warm breath on the little tuft of red hair that grew just above my private area. I sucked in a deep breath, startled, and cracked one eye. My heart pounded like a hammer as he kissed my hip, then my inner thigh. His mouth dangerously close to my most private area.

What was he doing? The thought of him putting his mouth on me
down there
was terrifying, but also thrilling. He stuck out his tongue, licking my inner thigh and the heat built inside me. Already I could feel the moisture forming between my legs. His hands groped my buttocks and I shifted as my heart sped up.

“I’d love to just stay in here. Lay you out on the bed, worship your body all day long. There’s so much more to show you. The things I want to do to you, Lucy, you have no idea.”

He was right about that. I was confused as hell.

Then he let out deep breath and stood, grabbing my sweater off the floor in the process. “We have work to do, though. The snow is still coming down and I need to bring wood inside to dry so we don’t run out. Maybe chop some more.”

He handed me my sweater, then reached down to grab his crotch. My face grew ten degrees warmer at the sight of him straining against the fabric of his pants. He was hard again. Hard for me, and he hadn’t even touched himself. There was something so thrilling about the thought, knowing I could make him feel that way just by standing in front of him naked.

Sawyer pulled his shirt over his head and shot one last look my way before turning. “Let’s get to work. When the sun goes down, we have lots of time to play.”

My hands were freezing from the cold water as I scrubbed the clothes, but the pile of laundry had gotten large and it needed to be done. Luckily, I only had one item left to wash after this one.

I pulled my uncle’s shirt out of the water and twisted the fabric between my hands, wringing out as much water as I could before taking it to the line. It was weird to be washing his shirts again after all these weeks, but Sawyer didn’t have any other clothes.

The thought that he wasn’t here to stay caused an ache of uneasiness to form in the pit of my stomach. This wasn’t his home, and as much as he liked my cabin, I couldn’t help thinking about how he’d told me he’d been working on his own place. To make it a home. Would he be willing to give it up, or was this place just a pit stop until the storm passed? Was I just a pit stop, too?

The ache in my heart grew until it was sharp and painful. I didn’t like thinking Sawyer was just using me until he could get home. It made me feel…cheap. I wanted to be special to him, which wasn’t really fair. He didn’t mean anything to me, not really. Wasn’t I just using him? I needed company and someone to take care of the hard jobs around this place, someone to protect me. That’s how I’d seen Sawyer before I’d given myself to him. It wasn’t like we were in love.

I went back to the kitchen and picked up the final item of clothing. It was the sweater I’d been wearing when Sawyer found me. The hole the stick had made was about two inches wide, and the wool surrounding it was dark and stiff with dried blood.

Suddenly, the hopelessness I’d felt out there in the snow came back. So strong it took my breath away. What would I have done if Sawyer hadn’t found me out there? Until that moment, I hadn’t really accepted the fact that I needed help around here. Seamus had taught me well. Prepared me for life on my own. But being alone was dangerous, even for a man.

I thought back to a few years ago when Seamus had been sick. I was maybe fourteen at the time, and he’d come down with an illness so violent he’d been barely been able to get out of bed for two days straight. Everything had been left up to me, plus the added task of taking care of him. It had been a long two days, and after Seamus had gotten over it he’d mused over the fact that I’d saved his life. Without me here, he wouldn’t have been able to eat or feed the animals. The firewood would have gone unattended, as well as the fire, and he could have frozen to death. It had been the dead of winter, after all. He would have been in deep trouble.

It taught us a valuable lesson: you need a partner in this world if you want to live.

The door swung open and a gust of wind swept inside, making the jars lined up above the sink rattle together. Sawyer stepped in, stomping his boots so the snow would fall off. His arms were so full of wood that he couldn’t shut the door, so I rushed over to help.

He was too bundled up to speak. A scarf wrapped around his head, covering everything but his eyes. Blue eyes so clear and beautiful that when he looked at me, my heart clenched.

Sawyer dropped the wood on the pile then ripped the scarf off. His cheeks and the tip of his nose were bright red, and his hands were probably colder than ice. I hurried to get some hot tea for him.

“It’s bad out there. We already have about three feet, with more coming down. It’s going to be a long, hard winter.”

Meaning he’d be stuck here, giving me time to convince him this was where he wanted to be. I wasn’t sure how I would do it, but in that moment I made up my mind to do whatever he wanted. To give him anything he wanted.

My hands shook when I poured the hot water into the mug. “How are the animals?”

“Hanging in there.”

Sawyer stripped off his coat while I held the mug for him, waiting patiently. His gloves came next, then his boots. When he was done, he walked toward me. I held the mug out and his eyebrows moved up in surprise, disappearing under the strands hair that hung over his forehead. I wanted to run my fingers through them, to push them away so he could see better. So I could see him better.

“For me?”

“Of course. I want to make sure you’re comfortable here,” I said, choosing my words carefully. Trying not to say anything that might indicate this was a temporary stop for him. “If you hadn’t found me out there, I probably would have died, and I’m so grateful.”

Sawyer took the mug, but he didn’t smile. His eyes studied me as he sipped the hot liquid, and as usual I felt like he was trying to read my mind. “Lucy, did you give yourself to me because you felt like you owed me?”

I stepped back, startled at the question. He was so much more forth-coming than I was. If only I could ask all the questions swirling around in my head. But thinking of what his answers might be was too terrifying.

“No. I—” I swallowed. “I don’t know why I did that.”

That was the truth, too. I thought back to earlier, to the moments I had first considered giving myself to Sawyer. Why had I done it? His warm hands against my skin had made me feel things I’d never felt before, then seeing him half-naked…it had given me ideas. Urges. I’d spent my entire life terrified of what a man could do to me, but with Sawyer in front of me, touching me, I’d started to wonder if maybe a man could do good as well as bad.

Sawyer set his mug down, then stepped closer to me. The regret in his eyes made my insides clench. “I’m so sorry, Lucy, I should have been a better man. I should have had more control. I took something from you I shouldn’t have. It was wrong.”

“No.” I shook my head, desperate to make him understand that I didn’t regret what had happened between us. “Don’t say that. I’m glad it happened. I want it to happen again.”

I reached for the button on his pants and he stepped back, but that didn’t stop me. I was determined to make him understand, to make him happy to be here. To make him want to stay. So I kissed him, pressing my lips against his while I worked on his pants. He still tried to push me away, but I refused to be denied as I shoved his pants down.

Sawyer stumbled back, breaking the kiss, his pants around his thighs. The sight of his nakedness caused heat to flare through me again, but he wasn’t hard or ready, and he was still trying to resist.

“Lucy, stop!”

He reached for his pants, but before he could pull them up I wrapped my fingers around him. He wasn’t hard yet, but the feel of his skin against my palm was warm, and even soft the way it was it felt big. I thought back to how he had stroked himself the day before, and tried to mimic the movements. Wrapping my hand around him, moving it up and down. Sawyer let out a low groan as I moved my hand, closing his eyes. His expression stiff with pleasure.