More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel (8 page)

The look of sheer alarm that went through her eyes startled him.

“I was kidding,” and he managed just enough of a smile to make that believable. Futility fingered its way over him. “I don’t know. It just all feels so pointless, you know? Like whatever I do or don’t do is going to make no difference at all.”

A pause that let the universe hear what he had never said out loud before.

“Well,” she said softly, and then, inexplicably her hand bridge the gap between them, landing on his fingers and sending a jolt of white hot lightning through him that scattered even the pictures in his brain. “It’s made a difference to me.”

His gaze jumped to hers, and though he had thought he would see the lie there, all he saw was sincerity. Never had anyone looked at him like that before. It was like seeing the sunshine for the first time after having been blind his whole life. He dropped his gaze to her hand now draped over his fingers, and understanding of what she was telling him sank into his wounded, aching spirit. Then his gaze came back up to hers and locked there. “Thank you.” He swallowed. “You’re really… beautiful.” The words were out of his mouth before he could think them all the way through, and although he meant them, he wasn’t at all sure how she would take them.

Her hand jerked up and away from his and went up to her hair. “Yeah, covered in coffee and table cleaner. I’m a real prize.”

But he couldn’t let her disavow what his heart so wanted her to know. “No, Liz. Seriously.” Now he was in deep water. Too deep. And he wasn’t at all sure he could swim. “I’ve known for a while now that you were pretty on the outside, but… tonight…”  He was blundering it again, big time. Where were the words? They had all abandoned him when he needed them the most.

“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” She laughed it off. “You just want the rest of this coffee for free.”

Coffee. Why they were here. He suddenly remembered, and he yanked his gaze to the clock. It was nearly eleven-thirty. “Oh, my gosh!”  He jumped from the stool. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

She was moving too toward the door. “Oh, man. I’ve got to get this sign shut off. I had no idea.” In two clicks the neon out front was off, and the main lights overhead were too. Only the door remained open and the little lights that stayed on all the time. “I didn’t have any idea…”

As he went over to her, Jake’s mind assessed the situation. The chairs were still down. They always picked them up to sweep. She would be here, alone long after midnight cleaning up because of him. “Liz, I’m really sorry.”

“No. No. It’s okay. I just need to get this cleaned up, so I can get home. I’ve got reading, and…” She seemed to be going eight ways at once with her hands and her gaze and her being. “I’m sorry. I should have been watching…”

What took over then, Jake had no idea, but his head said
kiss her
, and he didn’t question it. In the next second she was in his arms, her lips on his, and he never wanted to be anywhere else ever again. He clung to her like a desperate man who had fallen overboard. He only wanted to make her understand how grateful he was for what she had done, for the hope she had given him. Still, the fact that she was literally gasping for breath when he let her go drove into him. She was going to think he was taking advantage or that he had lost his mind completely or that he really was some stalker who had seized a good opportunity.

Barely having the presence of mind to make sure she could stand on her own, he backed up and let her go. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That was all wrong. I didn’t mean to…”

“No. No.” Liz was drowning in a sea of how-did-I-get-here? “It’s fine. You’re fine. I just didn’t expect…”

“Here.” He turned from her and grabbed a chair, swinging it so he set it on the table in one smooth motion. “Let me help you clean up.”

“You don’t have to.”

“It’s the least I can do.” He swept another up and another before she got her knees solid enough to move.

“Really, Jake. You don’t have to. I can get this.”

However, this time when he swept the next chair up, a small smile accompanied it. “I came in here at the last minute and kept you way overtime. At least let me help clean up.”

She wasn’t at all sure that was a good idea. Especially after that kiss. It was still ricocheting through her. “Oh. Well, okay. But you really don’t have to.”

“So,” he said like they hadn’t just shared the most earth-shattering kiss of her life, “how’s Comparative Physics going?”

“Compar…? Oh. Philosophy,” she corrected. “It’s Contemporary Philosophy.” She shrugged. “Not bad I guess.” She yanked a chair from the floor, fighting to get this new reality whatever it was snapped over the old reality whatever it had been. “It probably wouldn’t be so bad except I’m studying for my Graduate exam right now too. That’s really kicking my tail.” She noticed how his gaze went sliding down her waist and then jerked up again, but he said nothing about it.

“So what is Contemporary Philosophy anyway?” And strangely he sounded actually interested.

“Oh, we’re studying all the current philosophies in the world. How we’re here, why we’re here, what it all means.”

“Oh, yeah? So what does it all mean? Have you come to any conclusions?”

She couldn’t stop the smile. “Honestly?”

“Yeah,” he said as if he wasn’t sure that would be a question.

“Well—”  She picked up a chair and set it on the table. “—I think most of it is crap.”

“Wow. That’s deep, and how did you reach this particular conclusion?”

Her mind told her the answer that she’d never been brave enough to say in class. “Well, so much of it is human-centered, like the reason we’re here has something to do with us.”

“And it doesn’t?” He didn’t sound so sure about that.

“Well, some of it does, but not in the way we think.”

“I’m not following.”

With the last chair up, she went to get the broom. “In the reading, most of the authors start from the assumption that the reason we’re here has no central purpose, or that the purpose is for each of us to figure it out on our own, which then is supposed to make this grand, meaningful… something.” She went to one corner and started sweeping. “Like the local meaning becomes the global meaning.”

“Yeah?”

“But they leave out the most important part of all, the part that makes it all make sense.”

“Which is?”

She shrugged though she was bent over to get the floor under one table swept. “God. Without Him, all the why-we’re-here questions can’t be answered.”

The mention of God sent Jake careening backward although to be honest he was still careening from the kiss earlier. “So you believe in God then?”

“Yeah.” Her gaze snapped to his. “Don’t you?”

Strangely he’d never been asked that question before. He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d never really thought about it much.”

After a moment she started moving again, going back to the sweeping. “So you don’t believe in God?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know that I don’t believe in Him. It’s just that if God is real, what’s up with all the crap that goes on in the world? I mean what kind of God sits there and lets the people who are supposed to be His children act the way they do? Take that one guy. That one in the news the other day, that preacher guy. He was all supposedly a Christian and everything and what’d he do? Embezzled money from the church. And then there’s those other ones that molested the little kids. What kind of God thinks that’s okay?”

“He doesn’t think it’s okay, but He gave us a free will to make our own choices.”

“Well, from what I see, some of them are making some really bad choices.”

“Yeah. You’re right. They are. No doubt. But maybe they are trying and they got caught up in something they didn’t know how to stop. Did you ever think of that? I mean, look at alcoholics. They don’t start out to be alcoholics, but they take a drink and another and pretty soon, the alcohol’s got control of their lives.”

He wondered if she had a video camera plugged in recording his life. He even looked around to see if he saw one and then realized that was ridiculous.

“It’s a choice. Every minute. Life or death. Love or hate. Growth or stagnation. Do we choose wrong sometimes? Yeah, we do. In fact, sometimes we choose really wrong, but without the choice, we would never be able to choose Him, we would be forced to by having no other choices.”

As she finished sweeping and went to the counter to clean it one last time, Jake sat down on a stool and scratched his ear. “And that would be a bad thing, why?”

Her cleaning stopped, and when her eyes met his, he could see all the way into eternity. “Do you want someone to love you because they have to or because they want to?”

His brain stumbled. “I… I don’t know. I guess I’d never really thought about it before.”

The cleaning resumed and her gaze fell to it. “Most people don’t.”

“But you have?” The question was gentle as if he was holding the fragile pieces of a delicate piece of crystal.

“Yeah.” It was all she said.

Jake sat there, watching her until everything was clean and in its place. She went to the back and came out without the apron but with her coat. He slid off the stool, captivated by her every move, her every breath.

“So, you going home now?” She opened the door and stepped outside, sliding into her coat before he could think to help her.

“Uh, yeah. I’ve got work at five.”

Mid-lock she stopped and looked up at him. “In the morning?”

The admission made him feel stupid. “Yeah.”

“Wow, and I thought I had it bad with an eight o’clock class.”

Door secured, they turned together up the sidewalk and made it all the way to the crosswalk before the next decision was to be made.

“Um, well.” She stopped and turned to him. A long breath and she smiled. “Thanks for tonight.”

“You’re welcome.” The urge to kiss her again swept over him, but he beat it back. “You working tomorrow night?”

She tilted her head and brushed a strand of hair form her eyes. “Yeah. I am.”

He nodded, absorbing that and all the manifestations of it. “Do you…” Fear clawed the question in half, but he battled that back as well. “Do you mind if I come in?”

Soft hope settled in her beautiful hazel eyes. “No.”

Absorbing that as well, he nodded once, and then he couldn’t stand it any longer. He pulled her to him, wrapping her in his arms in a hug that was friendly and grateful more than anything. “Thank you,” he whispered into her ear.

“You’re welcome,” she said over his shoulder.

And then he let her go, and they went in their separate directions. Back home, Jake walked right by the darkness of the alley to the front door of the building. His key fit, which he was mildly surprised by. It had been years since he’d last used it. Up the stairs and into his little nothing of an apartment, but somehow, even in the darkness, it looked different, not as lonely. His gaze chanced to the clock. It was nearly one, but he smiled. “Oh, well. Some things are worth it.”

“He came,” Mia said the next night as Liz caught her up on the events of the previous evening, “here, and you… did what? Freaked out? Poured coffee all over him? What?”

“No. We talked.”

Mia crossed her arms. “About what?”

This part was still a little unbelievable even to Liz. “About God and philosophy and being stuck in life.”

“You talked about all of that, and he didn’t ask for your number?”

Liz laughed.

“Girl, you got some serious issues on your hands. Is he coming back tonight?”

Not wanting Mia to see the hope, Liz wiped off the counter. “He said he might, but I don’t know. It was all so weird, you know? Like getting visited by Spider Man or Bat Man or something.”

“Oooo, give me a super hero any day of the week, and I would gladly dump my man.”

“Yeah, right. Oscar’s a good guy, and you know it.”

“Yeah, but let’s face it, honey, once you’ve followed him into the bathroom in the morning, all the mystery is gone.”

Liz laughed. “Gee, Mi. TMI already. TMI.”

“You and me both, girl. You and me both.”

The bells on the door jingled, and both of them looked up to a very sheepish looking Jake. He ducked and took one more step in as if he had been caught stealing the good china. “Hi.”

Unfortunately Liz’s sanity had gotten snagged in the nice blue button down shirt and the way it brought out the ice blue of his eyes. Next to her, Mia hit her with her elbow, and Liz yanked back to reality. “Oh, hi.” How did that sound? Right? Wrong? Desperate? Like she’d been waiting for him? Or like she’d forgotten all about the kiss they had shared where he was now standing, which she totally and most definitely had not. “Um, would you like a table or a booth?”

Why she asked it, she would never, ever know. Maybe because she asked everyone. Maybe because her mind was no longer thinking clearly. Maybe because his smile had scattered every sane part of her. Or maybe a combination of all of them.

“Hm.” Mia cleared her throat. “Isn’t it about time for your break, Liz?”

“What?” Liz turned not understanding anything including that it was not time for her break for at least another hour.

“Your break. You were going to take one now,” Mia said, pushing her to the end of the counter although Liz hardly felt herself moving.

“Oh. Y-yeah. I was.” And then she was standing right in front of him. The sun poured in through the windows above and through the door making him seem bathed in a halo of white and golden light. Or maybe that was just her imagination, she couldn’t quite tell. “Um, that is, if you don’t… mind?”

Jake couldn’t believe his luck. He’d been trying on the six shirts he owned for the last hour, hoping she might consider taking some of her break with him. It was fortune too great to question. “Sure. Shall we?” He swept his hand in front of him, and with a soft smile, she stepped where he had offered. As they headed to his table, he leaned into her, over her shoulder. “I know this really great little table at this great little place. It’s out of the way and the wait staff is really top notch.”

That seemed to make her relax. She beamed a smile up at him. “Sounds great.”

At the table she took one side and he took his usual. Once down she surveyed him.

“Still no shape-shifting, I see.” Her gaze noted the empty table.

He spread his hands across it as if clearing it. “No. No shape-shifting tonight.”

Liz nodded, looking like she was going to question that, but she didn’t.

“So,” he said seriously wishing he was better at this, “did you make it to class this morning?”

“I did. Did you make it to work on time?”

“A pot of coffee and two toothpicks keeping my eyelids open, but yeah, I made it.”

She leaned forward then, crossing her hands as she pulled forward on her elbows. She had this way of making him feel like she was invading his space, and although that should have felt terrifying, it was anything but. “So, you said you work on the docks. I’m assuming in some kind of warehouse?”

“Yeah. We move the merchandise that comes in on the ships into the warehouse long enough to move it back out when the trucks come. It’s all very technical and highly state-of-the art.” He looked at her to assess how much of that she was buying. Then he laughed. “No, mostly it’s boring and monotonous, but it’s work.”

“Have you lived in New York long?”

“My whole life. Grew up not too far from here. My dad was a cop. Mom taught school.”

“So you’re close with your parents then?”

How to answer that? “No, not really. I kind of drifted away after high school. That whole being on your own thing, nobody telling you what time to be in. It got kind of addictive.”

“And now?”

He shifted in his chair. “Now. I don’t know. It’s not so bad most of the time. I can come and go as I please, do what I want when I want.”

“Like going out to get coffee in the middle of the night?”

The smile came automatically. “Yeah, like that.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Mostly I’m just trying to make it through in one piece, you know? Keep my head down and my record clean.”

The word record went through her eyes. He really needed to choose his words more carefully.

“Not that there was ever a record.” He put out his hands to stop her from running. “I was just making a joke.”

“Oh.” She relaxed again.

“So what about you? Graduate school. Wow. You must be really smart.”

“Smart? I wouldn’t know about that.” She wound her finger through a lock of hair. “I like school, not sure what I want to do when I get out. I’ve thought about teaching, but little kids scare me and I don’t know if I could deal with the older ones.”

“Little kids scare you, huh?”

“Well, not like BOO, but like… they have so much energy, and I really prefer to discuss things like Shakespeare and Whitman rather than Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too. Not that there’s anything wrong with Winnie the Pooh. He’s just not how I want to spend my life.”

Jake nodded, and she glanced back at the clock. Instantly he knew he was keeping her longer than he should have. “I should let you go.”

However, her gaze came back to his, and there was a touch of panic in them. “Are you leaving?”

He tried to surmise the right answer and finally gave up. “Do you want me to?”

Her gaze fell to the table between them. “No.”

That was the answer he was hoping to hear. “Then I’ll stay.”

“So?” Mia asked when Liz made it back to the counter. “Did he propose yet?”

“Shh.” The warning was nearly loud enough for him to hear. Liz leveled her gaze on her friend. “Don’t you dare do anything to scare him off, you hear me?”

“Scare him off?” Mia’s face drew into a smile. “Wait. You really like this one, don’t you?”

But Liz waved that off. “It’s not about that.” She pulled Mia to the side. “Listen to me. I’ve finally gotten him talking. I don’t want to mess this up. Got it?”

“Gotcha. So are you going home with him, or is he going home with you?”

What was the point? Liz rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that, okay? He’s a friend. A very good friend, and I want to keep it that way.”

“Yeah, well, nothing says he can’t be a friend with benefits.” Mia looked back to where he was sitting in the corner. “Mm. Mm. Mm. That boy is hotter than a lifted car on the sales floor.”

“Mi-a!” This was getting ridiculous. Not that Liz hadn’t noticed how hot he was. It had crossed her mind a time or two more than a million, but it was becoming clearer and clearer that he didn’t need someone to go to bed with, he really needed a friend, and she wanted to be that for him. Besides, she wasn’t into the whole sleeping together thing anyway. “Now you stop that. You hear me? Be nice to him.”

“You’re one to talk. The poor guy has been sitting there for thirty minutes with no coffee, and he’s in
your
station.” Mia raised her eyebrows in case Liz had missed her meaning.

“Ugh! You’re impossible.” However, Liz went, got the cup and the coffee and crossed over to take them to him. She liked his smile when she got to his table. “I’m sorry about that. You could have said something.”

He looked surprised and happy. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

“What? To tell me to do my
job
?” She set the cup down and poured the coffee. “So, do you ever sleep? You must be wired after six cups of coffee a night.”

“Not much. As little as possible most nights.”

“Oh, yeah? Why’s that?” Then the fact that she had stumbled into something he didn’t want to talk about smacked into her. “I’m sorry. None of my business.”

“No.” He scooted the full cup over to his side. “Sleeping’s not on my list of favorite things to do.”

“Oh, yeah? What is?”

His gaze slipped to hers. “Drink coffee. Talk to cute waitresses.” He picked up the cup to take a sip. “You know, the usual.”

She fought not to laugh. “You’ve really got to work on that sense of humor of yours. It’s bordering on insanity.”

“Why? Because I like coffee or the cute waitresses?”

The door jingled, and she looked back.

When her gaze came back to his, she growled low and menacing in frustration that they were always being interrupted. “You want something else? I’ve really got to…”

“I’m fine. Go on. I’ll be here.”

And he was for the next three hours. Every tiny break Liz had, she managed a quick trip over to his table. Sometimes she brought coffee, sometimes she didn’t, but Jake had ceased to care one way or the other. The coffee was just an excuse, and they both knew it. He did, however, wish he had brought his computer. It would’ve given him something to do. As the clock wound around to 10:45, he knew it was time for him to make tracks.

They were already cleaning up, putting up chairs, and wiping off tables. It took next to nothing for his heart to notice she was dancing again, and he hoped that meant good things. As the last customers vacated the premises, he stood and pulled his coat up with him. The dancing slowed and drifted away from her movement as she became aware of his approach. Truth was, he really, really did not want to leave. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his coat in case they did something stupid.

The other waitress was somewhere in the back, and he had no idea how much time they had before she came back.

“Leaving so soon?” Liz asked, and there was a hint of disappointment and a touch of teasing mixed in the question.

“Oh, you know me, I’d stay, but five o’clock’s coming earlier and earlier these days.”

“Maybe because you’re staying out later and later.”

He nodded, loving her wit. “Could be.” He leaned on a booth being careful not to dislodge any of her hard work. “So, you going to be dishing up coffee tomorrow night?”

“Can’t stay away.” She raised her spray bottle up as if it was a gun.

Jake straightened up. “I didn’t do it. I swear.”

“Yeah, right. I’ve got it on good authority that says you did.”

He pulled his hands out and put them up as if she really might shoot. “I didn’t, but I’m thinking the interrogation could be interesting.” He hoped his wry smile and teasing tone would tell her he wasn’t being serious.

“Interesting is one word for it.”

Strange, he’d never seen her come back with a joke of her own. Maybe she wasn’t so touchy after all. He lowered his hands as he lowered his voice. “Oh, yeah? What’s another?”

She raised her eyebrows and the cleaner. “You really want to know?”

He had thought she was teasing, but suddenly he wasn’t so sure. “Uh, no?” It was a deliberate question because he wasn’t sure what the right answer was.

The bottle dropped and she nodded. “Good answer.” She went back to wiping the tables off. “You got far to walk?”

“No. Not far. You?”

“Couple blocks. Gives me some exercise.”

He nodded, leaning back on the booth, this time crossing his arms in front of himself. Leaving suddenly felt anathema to his being. It was weird how alive he felt here, and how very not alive he felt when he left her presence. “You got class in the morning?”

“10:30. Wanna come?”

“Uh, no. I don’t think so. I’ll leave the Comparative Physiology to you.”

She checked him with an odd look. “Contemporary Philosophy.”

He shrugged and moved two booths down, following her. “Same difference.”

The look turned into a smile, and she shook her head. “How about you? You working on shape shifting tomorrow?”

He put his tongue to the back of his teeth wondering how she had known that. Tilting his head, he regarded her. “I was thinking about it.”

She nodded again. “Good to know.”

Then, with a reluctant sigh, he looked at the clock. It was closing time. In fact, the other waitress had reappeared and was sweeping slowly behind them. The door was still unlocked and the neon light still on. He needed to let them finish up. “Well, I guess I’d better take off.”