Motown Breakdown (Motown Down #4) (47 page)

“Shade,” Razor growls wanting my attention but I couldn’t stop. “He’s out, come tend to her. I’ll finish him.”

With his forearm under my chin be pulls me from Armand and I crawl over to her limp body allowing Razor to handle him. In the dim light she looked… broken.

My fault, didn’t protect her
…

Her mouth was bleeding, as was her nipple and shoulder. My mind couldn’t handle looking down between her legs yet so I avoided it. Although I knew she was naked and what that implied, I just could not look. I heard Razor deliver the death blow and didn’t look at him either. Pulling her into my lap, I move her hair away from her face and howl at the terror in her eyes. She was awake but miles away. Armand had drugged her. Unable to speak yet, I rock her slowly trying to offer comfort. Like a broken doll, she stares at the ceiling unseeing. Razor covers her with a blanket, while I fight the darkness back and lose.

“She needs a doctor,” he says taking her other side.

“My fault,” I say to no one.

“Shade,” he tries again. “She needs the fucking doc.”

And if the darkness was trying to consume me wasn’t enough, it didn’t hold a fucking candle to the words that started to fall from her mouth. Listening to her voice, her nightmares, was my God damn undoing. Nightmares even a man like me who delivered them couldn’t understand. It all came down to Armand those years ago working for Marco doing odd jobs but wanted a girl of his own. He’d wanted Sun.
I denounce my world and every perversion in it
…

“We need to go,” he says low. “Now, Shade.”

I couldn’t fucking move.

“Sun is the priority, clock’s ticking, we have to go,” he says turning on another light. Once my eyes adjusted and I saw her clearly, I lost my motherfucking mind. Pulling her even tighter, I beg her forgiveness, offering her my heart on a platter.
I would carve it out myself, giving it as payment
…

A hard slap registered and when I growled, Razor attempted to take her from me. “Touch her and
die
.”

“She’s od’ing asshole,” he says putting his fingers to her throat to check for a pulse. “Since you’re too busy drowning in fucking guilt, I called the doc and he’s headed out now. You love her?”

“More than my own life,” I whisper while looking down at her fear-crazed eyes.

“To save her, you gotta pull your shit together,” he says standing. “She’s fading, Shade.”

Sunshine is good for the soul, my soul
…

You are literally holding my life in your hands right now
…

Like a whip cracked, I found my way back to the present. Gently scooping her up, I refuse his help and carry her to the sedan myself. Once she’s safely inside, he floors it and we were back home just as the sun was rising. The doc was already inside with his bag, took one look at her and started barking orders.

Razor, thank fuck, was able to kick in because I was too destroyed watching her tremble and hallucinate. The nightmares of her past were torturing her and I was helpless, unable to slay her dragons because they were already dead. But in her state, they were alive and well, they were winning.

Shade, help me
… Over and over again she screamed for me. Clawing into my skin with my nails, I vowed to be a good man, to go to church, and even to pay taxes sometimes.

God, help her
… When the room went silent, I ignored the wetness on my face and started to wail in earnest. I was not a man prone to emotion, until Sun. “I need you calm,” Razor says getting eye level. “Doc needs to talk to you, you hearing me?”

Nodding, I drop my head in my hands while the snap of latex from removing his gloves makes me jump. She was dead, I knew it and one bullet to the temple would bridge the gap, I would be following her no fucking doubt about it.

“Shade,” doc says sitting next to me. “Razor gave me the needle and you need to know she was injected with a lethal dose of heroin.”
One bullet, quick and easy
… “I was able to administer Naloxone before her heart stopped. She was lucky and with a lot of rest, she’ll recover.”

“She’s alive?” Never in my life has my voice quivered until now.

“Yes,” he says somberly. “She is, but I’ll need to see her again in a few days.”

“Why?”

“Stabilizing her was priority one. I do not want to check her without consent, but I need to see if she has any internal damage. Rape is a physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, personal identity, gender and sexual violation, all at once. At the moment it happened, she would have felt something in the fabric of the world as she knew it rip wide open. This is a vulnerable time for her and I will not check her without her knowledge, Shade.”

“He marked her,” I say grinding my jaw. “Marked her in the most horrific way a man could mark a woman.”

“I’ll see myself out,” he says but I paid him no heed. My mind was stuck on what I walked in on, what she endured, alone. I knew he had raped her, he was assaulting her when I broke the door down but I thought… Had hoped… I had imagined it. Ignoring the doc, I fell to my knees three times before I was able to crawl into bed with her. Curling myself next to her as close as I can without hurting her. I can numbly hear Razor talking to the doc but I focused on her breathing instead. Whispering to her, petting her, I do what little I can to comfort her and myself. Although comfort was the last thing I deserved. Because it was my actions that put her in Armand’s path. Had it not been for my selfishness he wouldn’t have found her. She’d have been safe.

As the hours blended, I lost count on how many times I said I loved her. As far as I was concerned, I could never say it enough. I should have said it sooner and more often. But I knew it was no longer about saying it, but showing it.

She just needed to wake up so I could prove it.

Hot, cold, hot, cold.

I couldn’t tell the two apart and was too exhausted to try. Between the shivers and the hot flashes, I was seriously frustrated with my body. Too sore to move, I kept my eyes closed and reflected. I did this for some time. Then, when I finally accepted that I couldn’t change the past I decided to let it go. The moment I embraced this, I felt lighter and I felt free. Vaguely, I can feel him next to me although it’s more of a phantom sensation than anything. A knowing, I suppose. For hours, days maybe? He’s been with me. Talking, touching and even crying. Recently he resorted to begging, but that didn’t last long before he started demanding.
That’s more like it
…

I’ve heard Razor’s voice a few times but focused on his. My body was Jell-O, my brain in a fog, but I remembered everything up until I was jabbed in the neck. Armand had planned to rape me and I was fairly certain he’d succeeded too. That thought brought up tears. There was no stopping them either. They fell from the corners of my eyes like acid on my skin. I may have accepted my past, but coming to terms with being violated wasn’t something I could let go of. Then I remembered the feel of his mouth and fingers and wanted to throw up.

Shh
…
I’m here Sun, you’re safe now
.

I could never face him again. I was humiliated because I wasn’t able to defend myself. I was a failure.
I’m damaged, used. He’ll never look at me the same…
But I still needed him. His comfort, his scent and his breath. I didn’t want to live without him again but I wasn’t strong enough to face his disgust either.
I would rather die
…

“Open your beautiful eyes, Sun,” he begs me. “Please, I need to see you.”

“I can’t,” I whimper as shame threatens to pummel me.

“You can,” he urges. “You
will
.”

“Please,” I beg him. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Like what?” he counters. “Resilient, brave, and hopelessly in love with me?”

“Huh?” I ask cracking one eye open.

“Which part?” he asks kissing my nose. “I’m guessing the last. I know you’re still in love with me, Sun, because I’m still in love with you too, always will be.”

“But I was weak,” I whimper. “I tried fighting back and lost.”

“Bullshit,” he says vehemently. “You fought hard, Sun, and I am so fucking proud of you. So fucking sorry I didn’t put it together sooner and protected you. That I let you leave when I wanted to lock you up.”

“He…” I swallow hard. “Raped me, I think.”
Here comes the disgust
…

“Listen to me,” he says running his fingers down my wet cheek. “We’ll get through this together, okay? I promise.”

“How can you love me after…” I choke out unable to finish.

“Nothing,” he growls. “Will
ever
change the way I feel about you. Look at me and tell me you believe me.”

It was the feral look in his eyes, the same wildness I felt in my own. He meant it, he loved me. “I believe you,” I cry freely. “I do.”

“I may lie about a lot of things but
never,
” he vows cupping my face. “About loving you.” Taking my hand that currently had an IV running from it, he places it over his heart and chokes out, “The day you came to the door, you changed my life for the better.”

“Please don’t cry,” I beg him.

“I had a taste of life without you and I refuse to ever feel that way again. He tried taking you from me and dying once wasn’t enough.”

“Did I kill him?”

“No,” he whispers hoarsely. “I wanted the privilege of finishing him, but Razor did.” Then gently tracing my face followed by various other parts of my body I felt him tremble in rage. “He marked you.”

“He marked the fuck out of me,” I correct. “But I’ll heal, Shade. The marks are temporary.”

“Not for me they aren’t.”

“Are you okay?” I whisper back.

“No,” he says burying his face in my neck. “But I will be.”

“I need you to do me favor,”
Have to know
…

“Name it.”

“Tell me what happened when you found me.”

When he freezes, I motion for help sitting up. Once I’m able to blink the fog away, I reach up to the soreness on my neck and get seriously pissed off. With only a blanket covering me, it was clear I was brought here without clothes because… “Tell me what happened,” this time a demand.

“Sun,” he pleads and I never wanted to see that helpless look on his face again.

“No,” I snap. “You have to tell me. Then you’re going to explain why I’m still naked and you’ve only got on boxers.” Because Shade was many things and a well-dressed man was one of those things. He did not walk around in his underwear.

“Let me call Razor,” he says moving away then turns to ask, “Is that acceptable?”

Nodding to him, I pull the blanket tight to my chest and wait for the news I didn’t want to hear but had to. Focusing on anything but Shade’s nervous pacing, I was very glad that I ended my story how I did.

Because seriously? Writing
my
story was ten ways from fucked up.