My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires (10 page)

Maria stood up and the two women engaged in a lingering, fang-clattering kiss, then Liesl took her leave. After Liesl gently shut the door, Maria walked over to the bed and tentatively picked up the pillow. No spiders. She then removed the remaining sheets. Still no spiders. She then lifted up the mattress.

Spiders. Lots and lots of spiders.

A hairy Brazilian Purple Tarantula, a slimy Starbellied Orbweaver, a stringy Northern Black Widow, a bouncy Antmimic Jumper, a creepy-crawly Pirate Wolf, and several genera that Maria didn’t recognize, which is saying something, because Maria was a member of the Know Thine Enemy school, so was well-versed in everything Arthropod.

Maria covered her mouth to stifle the scream. She backed into the wall, and—without meaning to or wanting to—she turned into a
Desmodus Rotundus
. Unprepared for the transformation, she flew straight up and crashed into the ceiling at a high enough speed that she was momentarily knocked unconscious. When she came to some ten seconds later, she found herself on the mattress, in the center of a spider gang.

The Northern Black Widow attacked first, shooting a web at Maria’s right wing. Maria backed away … right into the eight arms of the Pirate Wolf. The Wolf was a mean one, but slow and weak, so Maria broke out of his hold and flicked him out of the open window, where he fell to a painful death.

Maria glared at the rest of the spiders, her eyes saying,
Which one of you is next?
Unfortunately, spiders can’t read the eyes of a bat, so they all attacked at once. Now that she had her bearings, Maria swatted them with her wings, alternating left and right, left and right. Her aim was impeccable, and soon all the spiders had been knocked through the window.

Except for the Brazilian Purple. The fuzzy, fat, frightening Brazilian Purple.

He crawled toward her, moving slowly. When he was in shooting distance, Maria shot out her wing and waited to hear the telltale splat.

But there was no splat. Because she missed. She spun around, and there he was, directly behind her. Maria thought,
I had no idea Brazilian Purples are so fast
. So, not wanting to prolong the battle, Maria switched back into her human form and squashed the Brazilian Purple with her fist. Game over.

Just then, the sky was broken with the evening’s brightest lightning bolt and loudest thunderclap. Maria’s door flew open, and in flew Gretl. Maria wiped the spider spew off of her hand, picked the bed sheet from the floor, and covered herself. “Gretl,” she said, “are you frightened?”

“Fright is an interesting thing, Maria,” Gretl said. “There are countless ways to handle it. You can succumb to it, or you can embrace it, or you can stare it in the eye and say,
Fright, I own you, you don’t own me
. And of course there are multiple levels of fright, and they all have different effects on the body, primarily because the level of the fright and the level of adrenal secretion…”

Then came an even brighter bolt and an even louder clap, at which Gretl ran into Maria’s arms, knocking her onto the bed.

Maria patted her back. “There, there, there, you pretentious little know-it-all. Never you fear. Your level of fright is under your control. You can stay here.”

“Thank you, Governess.”

“Now answer me this, Gretl: Are your brothers and sisters this skittish? I ask because the last thing I’d expect from any of you brats is fear.”

“You’re correct to feel that way, Governess. We fear nothing except for inclement weather. Why, you might ask? Well, it’s a long story.” She took a deep breath and said, “It was June 19, 1937. A Tuesday, I believe. The day started out sunny, but soon after lunch, things began to change for the worse…”

“Do shut up, Gretl.” And then, more thunder, and more lightning … and more von Trapps burst into Maria’s bedroom, this time in the form of Louisa, Brigitta, and Farta. Maria mumbled, “Hail, hail, the gang’s all here.”

From outside came a faint scream of, “Wrong musical, whore!”

Maria yelled back, “
Pirates of Penzance
isn’t a musical, it’s an opera!” She looked at the other three girls and said, “Get over here.”

All the girls huddled onto the bed and buried their faces into various parts of Maria’s body. Maria held them tight, and said, “Now, all we have to do is to wait for the boys.”

Louisa said, “They’ll be here momentarily. Show them rain and they turn into a bunch of bedwetters.”

Sure enough, after the next lightning/thunder combo—which, admittedly, was insanely bright and loud, and would cause even the sturdiest bladder to take stock of itself—in came Kurt and Friedrich. Their respective pajama bottoms were soaked, Kurt’s from fright, and Friedrich’s from … other things.

At the sight of Maria’s barely covered body, Friedrich gasped. Maria smiled, showing the slightest bit of fang. “Were you scared, boys?” Staring Friedrich dead in the eye, she said, “Or did you want to pay me a visit?”

Kurt said, “Scared.”

Friedrich said, “Pay you a visit.”

“Get over here, both of you.”

While Kurt jumped into the von Trapp pile, Friedrich snatched a pillow from the bed, sat on the floor, covered his crotch with said pillow, and said, “I think I’ll stay down here.”

Maria whispered, “Are you sure? You can join us up here, if you would like.”

“Maybe another time?” he asked hopefully.

“Maybe, Friedrich. Maybe.”

Another flash, another boom. Farta whined, “Why does it do that?”

Maria said, “Well, the lightning and the thunder are having a conversation about … about … about sailor suits!”

Gretl said, “That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Louisa said, “You’re only five, Gretl. You haven’t heard much.”

“Living with you idiots, I’ve heard more ridiculous things than your average five-year-old. For that matter, living with you idiots, I’ve heard more ridiculous things than your average
fifty
-five-year-old.”

Brigitta cuffed Gretl on the ear and growled, “Can it, shrimp.”

Maria held up her hands and said, “All of you, stop it. We’re all unhappy, and we’re all annoyed, and when anything annoys me and I’m feeling sad, I try and think of nice things.”

At once, Louisa and Farta asked, “What kind of things?”

“Nice things. Like daffodils.”

Kurt said, “What’s so nice about daffodils? Yellow flowers? So what?”

“Alright,” Maria said, “how about green meadows?”

Farta said, “I have allergies. Next.”

“Um, okay, skies full of stars.”

Brigitta said, “What’s the point of that, Governess? You can’t see the stars right now. Duh.”

“Okay, how about raindrops on roses? Or whiskers on kittens?”

Farta said, “Allergic and allergic.”

“Wow, tough room. Let me try this: Bright copper kettles!”

“Governess, I’ll give you five shillings if you can make bright copper kettles even the tiniest bit interesting,” Louisa said. “No,
ten
shillings.”

Ignoring her, Maria said, “What about warm woolen mittens?”

Gretl said, “I have horrible circulation in my extremities, and my hands are always cold—they call it Peripheral Vascular Disease, I believe—so I admit to having a healthy appreciation for warm woolen mittens.”

Friedrich said, “And I have a healthy appreciation for shoving warm woolen mittens down your throat.
Next
.”

Maria sighed. “Alright, how about brown paper packages?”

“Seriously?” Friedrich said. “Brown paper packages? That’s the best you can come up with?”

“You didn’t let me finish, Friedrich. Brown paper packages tied up with string!”

Kurt scoffed, “Ohhhh, that’s
much
better, Maria. Because
nothing
is more fun than string.”

Maria glared at the boy, then said, “How about horses? Do you brats like horses? Every kid likes horses.”

After a moment of silence, Farta said, “I like horses.”

“I knew it! What about cream-colored ponies? I bet you
love
cream-colored ponies!”

Farta winced. “Oh, no, I was bitten by a cream-colored pony last year.”

“I remember that,” Kurt said, “That was fan
tas
tic. She bled everywhere.”

Maria looked at Kurt. “I have one for you, chubby: Crisp apple strudel. And schnitzel with noodles. All eaten to the sound of doorbells and sleigh bells. I bet that’s your idea of heaven!”

Kurt’s stomach audibly rumbled. “I’ll admit, the food sounds lovely, Maria. But why in
Gott’s
name…”

At once, Maria and Friedrich mumbled, “There’s no
Gott
.”

“… would I want to have dinner with all that … that … that
incorrigible
doorbell and sleigh bell ringing going on? That’s stupid. For that matter,
you’re
stupid. And I hate you.”

“And I, you.” To Friedrich, she purred, “I know something you like.”

He adjusted the pillow on his lap. “What’s that?” he croaked.

“Girls in white dresses.”

Nodding, he admitted, “I do like girls in white dresses. But you know what I like even more?”

“Blue satin sashes?”

“Oh, no, I was going to say breasts. But sashes are okay, I suppose.”

“You know what else I like?” Maria asked.

Louisa said, “Something stupid, probably.”

“You’re right … if you think snowflakes are stupid. But I know you don’t think snowflakes are stupid, because you know as well as I do that anybody who thinks snowflakes are stupid is stupid … especially if you’re referring to snowflakes that stay on your nose and eyelashes.”

Gretl said, “The human body is thirty-seven degrees Celsius, and water will only stay frozen at a temperature of zero degrees Celsius or below, so it’s empirically impossible for snowflakes to
stay
on one’s nose and eyelashes. They’ll remain in their flake form for three seconds at the most. So in this instance,
stay
is a relative term.”

Friedrich said, “You know what would make me feel better, Gretl?”

“No. What?”

“If you got bitten by a dog and stung by a bee. That would be two of my favorite things. That would make me feel considerably less bad.
Considerably
.”

Maria extricated herself from the clutches of the von Trapp brood and said, “Alright, people, you tell me: What makes you feel better?”

Farta said, “Pussy willows!”

Friedrich whispered, “Pussy.”

Louisa said, “Christmas!”

Friedrich whispered, “What’s the point of Christmas? There’s no
Gott
.”

Gretl said, “Bunny rabbits?”

Friedrich whispered, “Dead bunny rabbits.”

Kurt said, “Snakes!”

Friedrich said, “Snakes! Now
that
would make
anybody
feel better.”

The door flew open, and in came Liesl. “I agree with Friedrich! Pussy!”

Maria made a shushing motion.

Liesl said, “Er, I mean telegrams!”

Kurt asked, “Why telegrams?”

“Because Hammerstein said so,” Liesl said.

“Who’s Hammerstein?” Farta asked.

Simultaneously, Maria and Liesl said, “No comment.”

At that, the children began spitting out more than a few of their theoretical favorite things: Birthday presents, bugs, cats, rats, sneezes, spiders (naturally), and dart guns. After they ran out of steam, Brigitta asked, “None of this made me feel any better, Maria.”

“For that matter,” Louisa said, “I feel worse.”

Staring at a figure loitering in the doorway, Maria said, “Well, blondie, you’re about to feel even worse than that.”

They all turned to check out who Maria was checking out: The Captain.

Maria threw the kids off of the bed, then grabbed the pillow from Friedrich and used it to cover her breasts. The lump in his pants visible for all to see, Friedrich yelped, then lay on the ground, face down.

Giving him what she believed to be her most seductive look, Maria said, “Hi, Captain. What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?”

Gretl said, “He lives here.”

At once, everybody in the room roared,
“Do shut up, Gretl!”

The Captain cleared his throat, belched, and said, “Well, Fraulein Mandarin…”

“Maria.”

“Right. Maria. Didn’t I tell you that bedtime is set in stone in this house?”

“You said a lot of things, Captain. About half of which I understood.”

Von Trapp nodded. “I get that a lot,” he said. “So what in the name of
Gott
are all of you doing in here?”

Friedrich mumbled, “There’s no
Gott
.”

Louisa said, “The storm scared us.”

The Captain nodded. “Off to bed, wimps. Leave your Governess alone.” As they scurried out, he said to Maria, “Fraulein, you are aware that I’m going on a business trip, yes?”

Friedrich mumbled, “A business trip with your
schvantz
.”

After Maria nodded, von Trapp said, “Good. Do you also recall that one of the edicts of the house is that the children be disciplined early and often?” After she nodded again, he said, “Good. Then I trust before I return, you’ll do some disciplining?”

Recalling the lump that jutted from Friedrich’s jammies, she said, “Nothing would make me happier.” And then, seemingly out of nowhere, she added, “Just in case Alice forgets to mention this, I’d like to make the kids some more clothes, and for that, I need more fabric.”

He glared at her. “That fabric was for you. The brats already have plenty of clothes. Thirty sailor suits each, one for every day of the month.”

She thought,
You mean one for every
gay
of the month
. And then she pushed that thought away, because using the word gay to trivialize an inanimate object is rude, and Maria liked to think of herself as a polite Vampire.

“So no more fabric?”

“Correct. No more fabric.”

She shook her head sadly. “Captain von Trapp, I’ll ask you to leave. You’re not one of my favorite things.”

“You know what, Moronica?”

“Maria.”

“I couldn’t care less.” And then he turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.