Never Been Loved (30 page)

Fuck, why can’t I ever be at a hundred percent around her?

“Do you want something to eat? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, maybe?” she asks, moving into my kitchen, ready to get me food for the second time today.

Can’t you just look at me like I’m normal for once? I’m dying to kiss you, Sera. Fuck the juice and fuck the food. I want you.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to have another juice,” I say, my voice gone hoarse. I’m sick of being treated like an invalid, like everyone might just need to walk on eggshells around me, even if I deserve it. I’ve been drowning for the past ten years, and I need someone to help me.

I just don’t want it to be Sera, I don’t want her to be my caretaker. I want us to be equals. We need to be equals in this, even if I’m not ever at a hundred percent.

“I was just putting Matty to bed, then I’ll get out of your way,” she says without waiting for me to say anything. Before I can open my trap, she’s turned into Matty’s room, and from my vantage point, she’s getting his pjs on him. Jules should be doing that. Damn it, Jules should be here, and Sera wouldn’t have to deal with the two of us.

I move to my bedroom, ignore the drawings I’ve been working on scattered all over the bed. I’m lazy when it comes to putting them up, and only a few make the wall. Better to hide these, anyway, Sera doesn’t need to see these, and I don’t need her asking questions. Not tonight.

I change into sweats and throw my shirt across the room into my laundry basket, scoring a three pointer from this distance. There’s no one around to high-five. I hear Matty and Sera having a hushed conversation, with Matty’s voice getting higher and higher, freaking out. Then I hear the tears and I move to the hall to get into Matty’s room.
Sera calls out for me, and in the room, I see Matty holding on to Sera so tight, he might break apart.

“Hospitals are scary,” he says. “People go away in hospitals.” I hear it all. God, why does he hate hospitals so much? I’m never letting him watch TV again.

“I just broke my hand, kiddo. Nothing happened to me. And your daddy’s right here, look. C’mon Matty, let go so you can see.”

Matty moves his head out of Sera’s neck and turns to look at me. He looks back to her, and sniffs, putting his head back into her neck and shoulder. “I’m scared, Sera. I don’t want to go to the hospital and go away.” Even I heard that. Shit.

“No one said you’re going to go away.
I’m
not going to
let
you,” Sera tells him like it’s a promise. She leans back and Matty lets her go, until they both look at each other like it’s the last time.

“Can you sleep with me tonight? No reading, I promise!” he asks in a rush, and I’m a complete spectator to what’s happening between the two of them. It’s not hard to see that Matty loves Sera – he really does. That’s why I can’t ruin this. I can’t.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, little man,” Sera says, and Matty’s voice rises up to a little-screech, and he practically whimpers. I stay where I am, struck stupid.

“Please, Sera! I promise I’ll be good, I promise! I won’t even
think
about cake, or eating bad food, and I won’t ask you for any more quarters when you say a bad word!”

I don’t know how this happened. He’s looking to Sera for comfort and not me.
Is that jealousy, MacLaine, or relief?

I just don’t know. I think that makes me an even bigger asshole.

“Hunt? Is it okay?” Sera asks, like she needs permission to come my place. Hell, I’d give her a key right now if that didn’t scream desperate. But maybe she needs to know, that I’m not going anywhere, that I want her, more than she wants me. Not in a creepy way. Definitely not in a creepy way.

The kid, though, the kid has me worried. I crouch down, balancing on the balls of my feet, looking at them both in the eye, sitting on the bed as they are.

Genius strikes at the last possible second. “Come on. All three of us will fit in my bed.” Didn’t I say that this was gonna happen?
Jackpot
.

Sera’s face is priceless. She wasn’t expecting that. It’s frustrating, how she thinks, how she acts. Infuriating at time because I don’t know what goes on in her head, or why she reacts the way she does. Little things let me know that she was hurt, bad, in the past.

She doesn’t believe anything I say sometimes. I just have to make her believe it. Sera gets up from the bed, helping Matty stand up and carries him into the hallway.

She stops moving once Matty’s light is off and I take the opportunity to plant my hands at her hips guiding her down the hall and into my room.

She gets a glimpse of The Wall. Coming to her side, I see her mouth’s popped open and she even wows it.

I never thought I was particularly talented, I just really enjoyed drawing, getting the lines on paper, controlling where they had to go, who they had to be, molding them into what I wanted them to do.

“They’re... they’re beautiful,” she practically whispers, her head moving left, right, up and down to get it all in.

I have another stroke of genius and move to my dresser, open and close some drawers until I find a shirt that’s suitable for her to sleep in.

The “There you are, Sera,” from Matty has me closing one of my drawers harder than needed. She’s going to see that picture of her I did from memory and she might laugh, she might run screaming from me, think I’m a freak for drawing it.

“Here.” I touch her shoulder and as she turns, I hold out a pair of my old sweats and a shirt that she can sleep in. I half-expect her to bolt. There’s a part of Sera that’s afraid of me. I still don’t know why, but that fear is sure shit going to keep me in line tonight, no matter how much I want to kiss her.

“Trade off,” she says, giving me Matty while I hand her the clothes. She moves to the bathroom to get changed. The thought of her being naked on the other side of that door has me swallowing hard, and having a serious mental conversation with Little Me in order to keep everything in check.

I get both Matty and me into bed, turning down a corner for her, and tell Sera to close the light once she’s inside.

She gets into my sheets and it’s all I can do not to howl. Pretty sure she can tell I’m grinning. Matty’s pressed up against my front, stuck between me and Sera. We stare at each other in the darkness and I say the words in my head that I’m too chicken to say out loud.

You’re the amazing one, Sera. You have no idea what you’ve done for me and the kid. What it means. You’re so bright, there’s no one that can compare.

Maybe you should stick to drawing and not try the metaphors so much there, Shakespeare.

“He’s finally asleep,” I tell her. Now’s not the best time for a conversation, but I need her to know, to know what she’s done.

“You should be, too. It’s been a long night.”

I’m not tired. I’m not tired at all. She’s here, in my bed, and everything is fucking awesome.

“I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I said those things to Alysha. Is that how it is between you two?”

Damn it. Do we have to talk about this? The kid’s unconscious, and explaining it to Sera is overdue.
Just, tell her the truth. If she’s who you think she is, she’s not going to judge you on what you did.

“Aly and I have been off and on forever. I was with her when I was a kid, and she was the first person I told when I learned I had diabetes. I was seventeen at the time, and thought I was in love. She thought she could fuck me through it.”

A weird as hell sound comes out of Sera, and I’m grinning again in the dark.

“Yeah, baby. Aly’s M.O. is all about her and what she can get out of it. She doesn’t deal with my lows or my highs, or with Matty. She doesn’t deal with anything but her need to come.”

Maybe I just embarrassed her. Maybe I’m going to get a fist in the face.

“Is that why she came to see you tonight? To get her fix?”

Exactly.
“She just needed reminding it was over. That I’m not going to answer to her beck and call ever again, no matter how much manipulating she does.”

She’s probably blushing. C’mon eyes, start working better. “I don’t think you should be telling me this when Matty’s asleep between us,
and
we’re in your bed. I’m sure that’s not good parenting.”

“I really wish I could kiss you right now.” She’s holding her breath. “But you’re going to turn me down, again. I can hear it, those wheels spinning in your head. You don’t think I’m good enough. S’all right, I’ve got my dreams.”

She gets the air she needs. “Thank you for taking me to the hospital, and thank you for hanging out with me. You didn’t have to, but you did. So, thanks.”

“I figure we’re on even footing now. One trip to the hospital each.”
We’re equals, damn it. It’s my turn to take care of you.

“You know that picture you drew of me? You really see me like that?” her voice is small and quiet in the dark. I wish I could kiss her right now. Why doesn’t she believe me?

“Baby, I did that from memory – it doesn’t do you justice. Not when I have the real thing right next to me, keeping me and Matty warm.”

“God, stop talking.”

I keep going, needing her to understand me. “It’s torture not being able to touch you, to feel your skin under my hands. To taste your mouth, the hollow of your shoulder, the dent between your collarbones.

“I want to hear those noises you make when you read when I’m inside you. I can’t wait when those shirts of yours to be on my floor, right before I take you to my bed. I want you, Sera.”
Here it comes. If it all blows up in your face, you did your best.

“Fuck, baby. Do you think you could want me back?”

Chapter 22

Sera didn’t answer me, but kept quiet in the dark. Maybe she thought I’d believe she fell asleep.

Maybe I’m pushing too hard. Maybe I need to back off.

Or maybe I need to give her more time.

I settled for having her in my bed, even if not in the way I needed her to be. But we were all there, sleeping in one bed, like a family.

She slept like a little kid, hands tucked underneath one cheek, lips pouting out in a kiss that hasn’t been given yet. Hell, I think I need to take a cold shower, calm myself down.

Let her set the pace. Let her do what she wants. She gets to decide. Maybe she can accept you, maybe she’s willing to take a chance on you. Make sure she never regrets it.

Be patient, man, it’s all you can do.

I know what I have to do – I need to spend some time alone with her, not be a dick, and try to show her why she should take a chance on me, why she should, give her a glimpse of how good we can be together.

I’ve never wanted anything so bad – I’m not sure if that makes me crazy as fuck or just desperate. I’m okay with desperate.

I wake up to Matty plastered to me, and Sera’s gone.

“Daddy, how come Sera left? I wanted her to read to me when I was eating breakfast!” Matty whisper-screams in my ear once he realizes I’m wide awake right next to him.

“I think she’s scared, kid,” I say, then shut my eyes because what the fuck? I shouldn’t be talking to him about this. This is adult shit – the kid has enough problems to contend with without me adding more crap on his shoulders. I rub my face and pretend the darkness can shield me from his questions.

The kid just starts hauling on my fingers and forces me to look at him.

“Is she scared of me or is she scared of you?”

I lean back into my pillow and stare at him. Sometimes the kid gets life in a way I’ll never understand. The young and innocent have a way of pinpointing life as it is – probably because everything for them is demarcated but what’s right and what’s wrong.

“I think she’s scared of me, buddy.” I put my hand on his back, spanning his entire body, and the kid flops onto me with all his weight, knocking the air out of me.

“Well, how come? You’re not so scary,” he says, rubbing his cheek against my chest. “You aren’t a monster!”

I grin. “No, no I’m not.”

Matty, completely annoyed, sits up and sits back on his heels. He looks completely confused. “I don’t understand.”

I laugh, and rub a hand through his hair. “I know, don’t worry about it.”

“Is this a grown-up thing that I won’t understand ‘til I’m older?”

“Yeah.”

Matty shrugs. “Is there going to be some kind of magic spell when I’m older that lets me know all the special grown-up things?”

“No, I’m just going to tell you all those special things.”

“A magic spell would be better.”

I smile, nice and easy. “I know, kid. I know. But make-believe isn’t real.”

Matty frowns, looking up at the ceiling, then back down at me. “Books and stories are make-believe, right?”

I nod.

“But they make you hurt, and sad, and happy and that’s
real
.”

I nod again, not sure where he’s going with this.

“So that’s kind of like magic, Daddy.”