Next Stop Funnel Cake (6 page)

"That got really ugly. They both wanted full custody, which was completely ridiculous. If they'd only agreed to a sane shared custody schedule, it would've saved everyone a lot of trouble. I begged them both to do it, but it didn't seem to matter."

"Why didn't they?"

"Because they were more concerned with hurting each other than what the whole thing was doing to me. They both wanted to win."

Andrew held me tighter, but didn't say anything. I'd come this far, so I figured I'd finish the story.

"They were still at it six months before my eighteenth birthday, when it became a moot point. When I left for school, I thought things were finally okay again. Then, halfway through spring semester sophomore year, my mom calls and tells me that there's no money for next year. It was all gone. By this time, both of them were living in crappy apartments, and my dad had a new girlfriend with three kids of her own. I saved everyone the trouble and moved in with Nick when the semester ended."

Andrew kissed my temple, and I could hear him breathing in my ear.

"I'm so sorry, Travis."

"Yeah, me, too. I do want to go back to school. More than you know. I don't like talking about it because it hurts too much. Until I can get the money and do it on my own, I figure what's the point of dwelling on it?"

"There are other ways, you know."

"I told you, there's no sense in getting loans I'm never going to be able to afford to repay."

"You don't know you wouldn't be able to."

"You're right, but I'm not willing to take that chance. Not right now."

I could hear the ticking of the clock hanging in the hall and a steady drip of water from the faucet in the bathroom. In my apartment, the silence was always punctuated by the fights our upstairs neighbors got into on a regular basis. I could get used to this kind of quiet.

"And Nick?"

"He's offered more times than I can count."

"Then let him help."

I let out a deep breath and tried to explain. "I know you won't understand this, but it doesn't feel right taking his money."

"Why? He's family and he clearly cares about you."

"I've cost my family enough money." I closed my eyes, trying to will the tears to go away.

"You have to know that wasn't your fault. Your parents' fight may have been over you, but it wasn't because of you."

"I know that money complicates things. No matter what. Nick pays me, which is more than enough. Anything more than that doesn't feel right."

"Travis, I think you should--"

I rolled away from him, more forcefully than I should have.

"I have to go to the bathroom, Andrew."

When I got to the master bath, I closed the door quickly and stood in the dark.

It had been the day from hell. Nick had made me come in early because I'd apparently screwed up something with the payroll, which took me hours to fix. Then it was a long afternoon driving a train full of moody parents and even moodier children. I'd been hit in the head three times by flying toys and cleaned up after two kids who got sick. Then, after finally pulling the train into the last station to finish my shift, I found a dirty diaper in the last car.

By the time I got to Andrew's, I was barely hanging onto my sanity. After a wonderful home-cooked dinner, all I wanted to do was veg out on the couch. Andrew had other plans.

"Hey, there's something I have to tell you."

"Can it wait? I don't think I'm in any mood to be surprised right now."

"I think you'll be happy with what I'm going to tell you."

I sighed and smiled at him, deciding some good news might turn my night around.

"Okay, lay it on me."

Andrew gave me a quick kiss and tried to contain his excitement.

"I did some digging, and I think I found the perfect solution to get you back to college."

I was confused, but also curious. "What are you talking about?"

"I know you said that you didn't want to talk about it after our conversation last week, but I did some research on my own and found a great program that would allow you to finish your degree at your own pace, and it's not that expensive."

I was ready to interject, but he kept going.

"And, before you tell me that you don't have the money, I have that part covered, too."

That got my attention and I couldn't resist asking, "How?"

"You can borrow it from me and pay me back when you can. It's totally doable, and that way you don't have to worry about saving the whole amount upfront."

I started shaking my head and tried to keep calm. It was like he hadn't listened to me at all that night in bed.

"No. No, I told you before I can't let you do that."

"It's no trouble, honestly. I'm happy to do it. I did some checking at the bank, moved a few things around and it's all sorted out. The money's sitting in an account, getting hardly any interest. I was saving it for something special, and I think this is it. I want to put it to a good use. What do you think?"

I got up from the couch and started pacing around his living room.

"I think you're crazy."

"Why?"

"If I'm not going to take money from Nick, I'm not going to take it from you. It's way too much to ask."

"Like I said, the program is very reasonable. You'd be able to pay me back no problem. If it makes you feel better, we can draw up a schedule. Make it official so it won't feel like a gift. It's a loan. And you didn't ask. I'm offering."

He smiled at me, but I couldn't return it.

"I'm sorry, Andrew, I can't."

"You mean you won't."

"What's the difference?"

"You tell me. I'm trying to do something nice for you, giving you what you say you want, and you won't let me."

"It's too much. I mean, let's face it, we barely know each other."

"That's not true. We haven't been dating for long, but I know how I feel about you. And I know you're not happy only working at Downy's. You want more."

I stopped pacing and looked at him for a long time before I could speak.

"And you want to give it to me."

"Well, yeah. Why do you make that sound like a bad thing?"

I threw my hands up and tried to come up with a way to make him understand.

"Andrew, if you lend me money, things are going to get weird between us."

"No, they won't."

"Yes, they will. Trust me. Money ruins everything."

"So you keep saying, but it doesn't have to be that way. This isn't like with your parents. This is something I really want to do. I care about you, and I want you to be happy."

"You'd be better off investing your money."

"I do think of this as an investment."

"Trust me, it's not worth the risk."

"It's hardly a risk. I know you'll do great, and I know you'll pay me back."

The conversation was spiraling out of control and I had to stop it.

"Andrew, I'm really flattered, but I think this is a really bad idea."

"Please, tell me you'll think about it. Really think about it. I want to do this."

I shook my head and tried to find the words to make him understand. "You say that now, but trust me, once you start writing checks, your tune will change quick."

He got up from the couch and his expression had turned from concern to anger.

"Is that how little you think of me?"

His anger only made me madder and I started talking without thinking. "I'm trying to protect you, Andrew."

"From what?"

"From me!"

My shout echoed off his high ceilings and hit my ears like an alarm. He seemed stunned into silence, so I went on.

"When this all goes to hell, and it will, you'll be sorry you loaned me the money."

Andrew tried to keep his voice calm, but I could tell it was taking all of his effort to do it.

"So you've already decided this won't work out?"

"Better than average chance it won't."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that tethering yourself to me financially will only come back to bite you. I told you, I'm trying to save you here."

His temper started to boil over and when he got closer to me I had to fight the urge to back up.

"You're not trying to protect me. You're trying to protect yourself."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You're trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. From trusting me...or anyone for that matter. You won't even let your uncle get too close to you."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"That's exactly what you're doing. I get that you're scared, but I'm not going to hurt you."

He put his hands on my arms, and for a moment I let him, but it wasn't long before I shrugged him off.

"You can't promise that, Andrew."

"I know, but--"

"It doesn't matter anyway because I'm not going to give you the chance."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm going home." I picked up my wallet and keys from where I'd dropped them and shoved them back in my pockets.

He followed me to the door and turned me around to face him before I could get out.

"So, you're giving up on us, just like that? All because I want to help you."

I didn't know what to say. All my retorts sounded stupid in my head.

"I'm sorry, Andrew."

"Don't do this, Travis. You don't have to push me away."

I literally did just that and nudged him back so I could open the door and escape. He called after me, but I ignored him and nearly ran to my car. Once I was inside, I slammed my hands against the steering wheel and let out a scream.

* * * *

"So, what should I tell Nick today because, after five days, he knows you're not sick."

I rolled over in my bed and saw Clayton standing in the doorway of my bedroom. With a groan, I turned to face the wall again.

"Tell him it's the vacation time he's never seen fit to give me. I really don't care."

"When are you going to get out of bed and go talk to Andrew?"

"Never."

I heard his footsteps walk away, but they came right back.

"Okay, look, I've let you wallow and be annoyingly emo and all that, but I'm sick of this. Especially since I'm pretty sure this little break-up is your fault anyway."

I sat up and threw back the covers, then pushed past Clayton and headed to the kitchen. After drinking orange juice right from the carton, which drove him nuts, I threw the empty container on the floor.

"Fuck off, Clay."

He laughed and kicked the carton aside before he followed me to my room.

"That's the best you can do? Come on, man. I expected you to have your speech all prepared. I so enjoyed the last one, after you broke up with what's-his-name? I imagine the reason is the same. Got too close, did he?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you do. It's always the same song with you. Date a guy for a few months, he does the unthinkable and falls for you, you run. Which usually isn't that big of a deal with the losers you pick. But you really liked Mr. Baxter. I know you still do."

"You don't get it, man."

"Try me. What cardinal sin did he commit?"

I sat on my bed and sighed, too tired to fight with Clayton, too. "He offered to pay for me to go back to school."

Clayton leaned against the doorjamb and smirked. "That bastard. How dare he?"

"I knew you'd say something like that."

"You're right, dude. I don't get you. You won't take help from Nick, or my parents, or even me. Now, you won't take it from him. What is your problem, Trav?"

"I can't let him do it."

"Yes, you can. He cares about you and wants to help, like the rest of us. How is that a bad thing?"

"I wish everyone would get off my back about school."

"So, you broke up with the guy of your dreams because he had the audacity to offer you a better future?"

"It's not that simple, Clay."

"What if it is?"

"With money, there's no such thing as simple."

My cell phone sprang to life, rattling on my bedside table. I looked at the screen, saw Andrew's name and pressed ignore.

"That was him, I presume?"

"Clay, don't start."

"Someone has to try and talk some sense into your stupid ass."

"I'm really not in the mood to talk about it."

"Good, then you can listen. Travis, I love you like a brother, but you have to get over this. You can't spend the rest of your life running away every time someone tries to help you. And you can't keep everyone who tries to love you at arm's length or you're going to end up alone."

"Thank you, oh wise one."

"Say whatever you want, but you know I'm right. Let him help you. Or Nick. Or anyone. For Christ's sake, let someone in."

"What are you talking about? I let people in."

"No, you let people near you, but you won't even let me get too close. I'm still amazed you agreed to be my roommate. I know you told Nick you were afraid I'd bail on you and stick you with all the rent."

I opened my mouth to deny it, but knew I couldn't. I had told Nick that. I hadn't counted on him telling anyone else.

"I can explain that."

"Trav, we've been friends since we were five, and you still don't trust me. You don't trust Nick and he's your family."

I thought back to the times I confided in Clayton about my misgivings about Nick, even though he'd never given me a reason to doubt him.

"You don't get it, Clay."

"So you keep saying. I know why you feel the way you do. I'm not even saying you don't have a good reason to be wary. But, at some point, you have to trust people."

"I want to. I don't know if I can."

"Well, you better figure it out soon. Because it's getting really hard to watch you keep doing this."

I looked up to reply, but he was gone. I heard the front door slam and lay back on my bed. When I finally sat up, I looked over at the engineer's uniform slung over the chair of my desk and sighed. If I hurried, I could still make it to work.
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As the train cruised into the last station, I made the announcement that had now become rote. I managed to sound happier than I felt, but it wasn't easy to pretend. Nick was more understanding than I'd thought he'd be about my impromptu time off, but in the two weeks since, I'd worked several double shifts to make up for it. And to keep me busy and out of the house. Not only was I avoiding Andrew's still-frequent calls, Clayton and I hadn't really cleared the air. Mostly because I wouldn't stay still long enough for him to talk to me.