Nightmares from Within (9 page)

I laughed and glanced over to see Gary sitting behind his desk, smiling warmly at me from over the top of his latest Stephen King novel. “Enjoy your night, Taylor,” he called as we walked past. The look on his face was similar to what I could only guess a proud father would look like.

“Thanks, Gary, you too. I’ve got some muffins already baked for you in the morning.”

He placed a hand over his heart. “You’re too good to me, sweetheart.”

Jordan and I walked out the doors into the mild Seattle night to a black Toyota Sequoia. He disengaged the locks and opened the passenger door to help me in before heading around the front of the car, getting in on the driver side.

“Should I be jealous?” he asked with humor laced through his words.

“Of Gary?”

He smiled, showing off his dimples and nodded.

“Well, I guess you could be. But seeing as he’s madly in love with his wife of thirty-two years you might be wasting your time. Besides, he’s like a father to me.” The affection was evident in my voice whenever I talked about Gary...or Benny. They were like the parents I never had.

“Where’s your dad?” he asked as he merged into traffic and started for the restaurant. I knew there would be questions about my family and childhood, but I didn’t think I’d ever be properly prepared to discuss my past.

“My parents are in Connecticut. I moved out here when I graduated.” I left it at that hoping he wouldn’t ask anymore about them, but I wasn’t so lucky.

“Did you move out here for college or something?”

I looked out the window as the city passed by in a blur. “No, I didn’t go to college. I just wanted to get away.”

“And they were okay with you moving across the country by yourself?”

I directed my gaze to Jordan and he glanced away from the road to look at me. “I’m not really close with my family.” I hoped my tone carried the message that my parents weren’t really a topic I wanted to discuss. Thankfully, he seemed to understand.

We made idle conversation for the remainder of the drive and by the time we pulled up to the valet in front of the restaurant the mood in the car had lightened once again.

The valet opened my door and I stepped out as Jordan came around the car and joined me. “Ready?” he asked with that dimpled smile that I was really starting to love.

“Mm hmm.”

He took my hand and led me into the restaurant.

That’s when it hit me. I’d been so consumed with Jordan that I’d completely forgotten the fact that I didn’t do well in crowded places. I was hit with a reminder the minute he pulled the door open and we stepped into the crowded restaurant. My chest tightened and my nerves came back full force.

I didn’t know if I would be able to pull this off.

A bead of perspiration traveled from the nape of my neck, down my back.

“You okay?” Jordan whispered in my ear as we made our way to the hostess. At that moment I wished he wasn’t so in tune with every slight shift in my mood. He’d had the ability to read me like a book from the first moment we’d laid eyes on each other.

All I could do was smile weakly and nod.

The slight frown across his brow told me he didn’t believe me, but he didn’t push the matter and I appreciated it. “Reservation for Donovan,” he said with a charming grin to the hostess and the pretty redhead lit up at Jordan’s attention. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one that he had an effect on. That was confirmed when I looked around the crowded area and saw every woman there giving Jordan an appreciative smile. At their obvious attention toward Jordan, I quickly realized that I was way out of my league.

Not only were the women paying attention to Jordan, they were sizing me up as well, causing my throat to dry up like the Sahara. I tried to swallow past the discomfort but it was useless.

I wasn’t going to make it through dinner.

“Right this way,” the redheaded hostess said with a seductive smile aimed right at Jordan. If I hadn’t been minutes away from a panic attack, I might have found it in me to be pissed off at her blatant attempts to lure my date’s attention to herself. But I had other things to worry about and I shot up a quick prayer that I wouldn’t be hit with any visions during our meal.

We arrived at our table and Jordan pulled out my chair like a complete gentleman. I took my seat and kept my head down trying my best to avoid looking at anyone.

Our waiter came by and introduced himself before taking our drink order, but I made sure to barely glance in his direction. Jordan ordered a bottle of red wine and the waiter thankfully shuffled away quickly to go get it. “You sure you’re okay, Taylor? You got really pale as soon as we walked through the door.”

I tried to pull myself together and took a few deep, cleansing breaths. “I’m fine. I guess I didn’t realize it would be so crowded.”

Concern spread across his features and he reached across the table for my hand and began running his thumb over the back of it in soothing circles. “You have a problem with crowds?”

I ducked my head again and tried to hide my embarrassment behind the curtain of my hair. “Yeah, just a little,” I replied as I reached for my locket again.

“Hey, can you look at me?” he asked as he tugged on my hand. I lifted my head slightly and gazed at him through my lashes. He looked so apologetic that I felt a pang of guilt at the thought of ruining our evening. “I’m so sorry, Taylor. If I’d known you had a problem with crowds I wouldn’t have brought you here.”

I felt defeated at his admission. Of course he wouldn’t have bothered with me if he’d known what a freak I was. The last thing I wanted was for him to regret asking me out, so I did my best to suck it up and pasted a smile on my face.

“It’s not a problem. I really am okay, I promise.”

He smiled in return and the waiter came back with our bottle of wine. He poured us both a glass and I took a generous gulp, hoping it would fortify my nerves. We placed our order and all I could do was hope that service was speedy and we’d be out of here before I had the opportunity to embarrass myself any further. I pushed the noise of the busy restaurant out of my head and concentrated on the sexy-as-sin man in front of me. “So…Jordan Donovan, I know that you don’t live with your mother, you have medical and dental insurance, you like to have conversations with yourself and you have a 401K. Anything else you feel like sharing about yourself?”

“Well, what would you like to know, Taylor…”

“Carmichael,” I offered. “Taylor Carmichael.”

“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

The blush returned but I didn’t hide it from him this time. A genuine smile spread across his gorgeous lips and I knew he had noticed and that he appreciated it.

“Why don’t we start with something simple? What do you do to earn that 401K?”

He let out a chuckle and took a sip of wine before answering. I copied and took another large gulp. I didn’t intend to get drunk but I needed all the help I could get to make it through the evening. “I’m with the Seattle police department.”

That surprised me. “You’re a cop?”

He nodded, “Detective actually.”

“Wow. Exactly how old are you, Detective Jordan Donovan?”

He looked a little hesitant before responding by telling me, “I don’t know if I want to tell you that.”

I tilted my head to the side, curious as to why he didn’t want to answer my question. “Why not?”

He stared down at his butter knife like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. “Because I have a feeling I’m a little older than you.”

I let out a laugh at his admission. “That’s all right. I’m twenty-three so I don’t really mind you being a few years older. How old are you, twenty-seven? Twenty-eight? That’s not a very big difference in my opinion.”

He started twirling his wine glass by the stem, looking anywhere but at me. “Thirty-four,” he finally mumbled causing my jaw to drop. I never would have guessed he was eleven years older than me. He looked so much younger. He finally looked up, taking in my open mouth. “Is that going to be a problem?”

Of course it wasn’t a problem. I didn’t have an issue with the age difference, I was just surprised. Jordan made me feel safe. Made me feel things I’d never felt before. It wouldn’t have mattered if he was forty, I would have been an idiot to let a difference in age dictate how I felt about him when he was the only man who had ever been able to get past my defenses.

I closed my mouth and a smile easily spread across my face. He was kind of adorable when he was nervous. “Absolutely not.” I responded and he graced me with that dimpled smile.

He blew out a relieved breath and grabbed my hand again, setting off a spark with his touch. “Thank Christ, because I have to tell you, I don’t know if I’d have been able to let you go even if you couldn’t deal with it. I know it sounds like a total cliché, but there’s something about you. I need to know you. And I swear I’m not just saying that to get laid.”

Warmth pooled in my belly at his words. “I feel the same,” I admitted shyly.

Our waiter chose to return with our dinner right then, pulling us out of the moment and bursting the private little bubble we had been in. The sounds of the restaurant came back full force and I glanced around, taking in all the people surrounding me. There wasn’t an empty table in sight. The wait staff bustled about, diners talked and laughed. It was the perfect setting to be bombarded with visions and it was absolutely stifling.

“Enjoy your meal,” the waiter said before going to check on another table.

The air started to feel thicker with every passing second and my vision was becoming blurry. Dark shadows began creeping in from the outer edges threatening to envelope everything in darkness.

Why did this always have to happen? Why couldn’t I just be normal for one fucking night? I was on a date with a man that I really liked and I couldn’t even enjoy myself. I hated my life.

I stood from the table and excused myself to the restroom, hoping that a few minutes alone would help me to calm myself down. “I’ll be right back. I just have to go to the ladies room.”

The concern from earlier returned to Jordan’s face when he stood with me. Breathing was becoming more difficult with each passing second and an uncontrollable sweat had broken out on my skin. Just a few more steps and I could close myself in a stall and get myself together. Just a few more steps and I would be able to freak out in private.

I didn’t make it.

The sound of dishes crashing to the floor sent my panic attack into overdrive. As the glass broke on the ground, I hunched down and covered my ears as I let out a scream. My body started trembling and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Before I could even register what was happening, I felt myself being lifted up and carried through the restaurant only to have the cool, night air hit my face moments later causing me to shake even harder.

Jordan didn’t put my feet on the ground until we made it to the valet. He reached for the parking slip and quickly handed it over before turning back to me. He hunched down so we were at eye level and placed his hands on my cheeks. “Are you okay? Should I take you to the hospital or something?” he asked in a panic. “Tell me how I can help, Taylor.” he asked. His eyes were wide and some of the color had washed from his complexion. He looked so worried that I couldn’t stop the tears that started running down my cheeks. My first date ever and it was an epic fail. I didn’t think there was a chance for there to be a worse date in the history of dates.

The shaking had started to subside and the panic quickly became overshadowed by utter humiliation. I sniffled and tried to stop my tears as I nodded my head slightly.

“You sure?” His hands slid from my cheeks and came to rest gently on the sides of my neck.

“Yes,” I said past the lump that had formed in my throat.

I wasn’t sure whether he believed me or not, but he dropped his hands from my neck and stood to his full height. “Okay, I’ll be right back. I promise.”

He turned and headed back into the restaurant, instantly being swallowed up in the sea of people as I stood there alone. I waited for the valet to come back with Jordan’s car feeling like I’d just ruined the only chance I’d ever have at something normal. Another shiver passed through my body—an after effect of the panic attack—just as Jordan walked back out onto the sidewalk. He walked up beside me and removed his suit jacket, placing it over my shoulders. “Here, you’re still shaking.” He pulled the lapels close together and began rubbing the sides of my arms in an effort to warm me up. His gentleness was almost too much to handle and a few more rogue tears escaped and made tracks down my cheeks.

We just stood in silence as we waited as the valet pulled Jordan’s car around. He opened the door and helped me in then tipped the man before making his way around the front to the driver side. We both remained silent as Jordan navigated his way through traffic. I couldn’t help but soak in the crushing sorrow that was threatening to swallow me as I thought about how this was probably going to be the last time I would ever see Jordan. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be normal.

“I’m sorry,” I finally whispered in defeat.