Not Without My Sister (31 page)

In the end, I realized, all this debating was pointless. It was best to just shake hands as friends, agreeing to disagree.
I had once desired Dad's love so desperately I would have done anything for him. Today, I feel absolutely nothing but indifference. All respect for the man he was has vanished. Today, he is a faint shadow of the man he might have been.
He still tries to tell me he loves me, but that statement is difficult to digest. He preaches love, but if his own life is any-thing to go by, he doesn't know what love means. If it is turning your back on your children and a blind eye to their pain; if it is letting them die over caring for their welfare; if it is calling the abuser "family" while demonizing the abused who are your own flesh and blood; if it is refusing to accept their personal choices in life and take pride in their accomplishments—then Dad is indeed full of love.
Love like a fire without heat, just ashes and smoke. A whitened sepulchre full of dead men's bones.

Kristina

Once, on the bus with my five-year-old son Jordan, a stranger sitting next to me asked if I would go out with him. I politely declined, but my son quickly piped up. "Oh yes, she would love to! She needs a boyfriend."
Though this was embarrassing, I knew what my son really wanted most was a father. My brothers lived with me during the holidays and Jordan had plenty of good male role models, but was not the same as a father. Jordan had brought me so much joy in my life, and it was hard for me to hear him ask, "When will you find me a dad?"
Though I had a number of relationships after Bryan, none of them ever turned into anything more serious. I refused to settle for anyone less than the best. The one thing I had learned and come to rely on was my determination and patience.
By the time I met Karl I had almost given up the hope of finding a soul mate and stepfather for my son. I simply did not trust myself to make the correct choices anymore after being
let down and hurt so many times. Trust was a loose concept I kept trying to get right and I was used to being on my own.
It was a snowy Christmas Eve when, laden down with last-minute shopping, I stumbled into a pub for a drink with Kiron before he went traveling. He had grown up so fast and was no longer just my kid brother. He was sitting with Karl when I arrived. I knew Karl through friends from work, but we never had a real conversation.
When Kiron had to rush off, Karl invited me to stay for a drink with him. We ended up chatting for hours and found that we had many things in common. He had moved to Not-tingham at nineteen to study mathematics around the same time that I arrived there with my family. After graduating, he decided to follow his dream of becoming a music producer. We knew the same people and frequented the same places. It was surprising how many times we could have met, but did not. The time had not yet been right. Our meeting that night felt like fate. There was an immediate attraction between us.
Looking after others had been my coping mechanism for so long, it was hard to stop. It made me forget about my own sadness and anxieties, but it also meant that I was not letting "little Nina" rest. Some of the decisions I made let her down, causing her to feel abandoned and frightened all over again. Karl showed me how to find the balance and put myself first sometimes. He taught me that I was allowed to be angry myself, and how to release the bottled up emotions. I needed to learn how to be able to express my feelings without fearing that love would be withdrawn from me. He created the safe environment I needed to grow as a confident adult.
There was no doubt from the start that we were meant to be. Karl called me his "moonbeam," although he told me later that he did not want to ask me out until he was confident that he could first be a good father to Jordan.
One evening he announced, "We're going to Krakow for a week over Valentine's Day."
I hugged and kissed him. I loved how romantic and thoughtful he was.
Poland was a chilling 15 degrees and crisp snow blanketed the ground. The countryside dotted with quaint little villages looked even more beautiful cloaked in white. The Hotel Retro was a cosy guesthouse overlooking the river, only a short walk from the largest "main square" in Europe. Krakow is the ancient spiritual capital of the Polish people and one of the only cities to survive the Second World War. It was amazing to finally be in the homeland of the grand-mother I'd been named after.
That evening we strolled in the square and I suggested one of the many restaurants around to have a romantic dinner. I noticed Karl had been acting strangely and indecisive for the past hour. It seemed we were aimlessly wandering around the square, and I was cold and hungry.
"I'm just going over there for a minute—" he said, and wandered off with his camera.
As I stood waiting for him, the snow began to fall. All the city lights were coming on and I gazed about me at the magical scene. That was when I spotted Karl striding purposefully towards me.
"Take your hat off," he said. "I've found someone to take a picture of us together."
I slipped my woolly hat off and stuffed it in my pocket, turning to pose with him. But Karl pulled away and got down on bended knee.
"Will you marry me?" He held out the ring.
I was stunned speechless, smiling from ear to ear.
"Is that a yes then?" Karl had to ask me while he waited on a wet knee.
I looked up from him, and realized that quite a crowd had gathered, expectantly watching the scene.
"Yes!" I shouted and Karl put the ring on my finger. The crowd clapped and whistled as he picked me up and swung me around in his arms. Both of us were delirious with happiness and as we walked away from the square, the street band struck up with 'All You Need is Love."
We agreed.
We entered the first café we saw, called "The Moon Bar," where we toasted our engagement. Then we phoned our friends and family with the news.
As I stared and fiddled with the ring on my finger, I noticed it was inscribed with the initials "KJ."
"That ring was given to my mother, Kathleen, by my father," Karl explained. "When my father died a few years ago, she gave it to me as a remembrance. My mother, my father and I all carry the same initials, "KJ." When I decided to propose to you, I remembered the ring—it is also inscribed with your initials—Kristina Jones."
I felt that my life had come full circle and I couldn't get any happier.

Over two-thirds of the second generation have broken free from the "Family" and are rebuilding their lives. David Berg's successors, Karen Zerby (`Maria') and Steven Kelly (Peter Amsterdam'), continue to live in hiding, even from their own members. They have failed to make amends or restitution. Instead they call us liars and bitter apostates, dismiss our claims as exaggerations and portray us as blood-dripping demons.
Karen Zerby has never accepted responsibility, shown true remorse or extended compensation to those who were hurt by the doctrines and policies she and David Berg instituted. They mw claim the Family no longer practices brutal physical punishment or adult/child sex, but how does that rectify the crimes that were committed or erase a whole generation of children whose innocence was stolen from them? The Family tries to hide behind a humanitarian image, but while they say they are trying to "help the world" they refuse to help their own children. Most of those guilty of crimes have not been brought to justice and many remain protected within the Family, who to this day continue to operate around the world without any firm child-protection policies in place. They have so far refused to report crimes committed by their members to the proper authorities. In England, any adult with access to children must first pass a criminal-background check. But in Family communes, members have full access to children without proper safeguards in place, increasing the risk of abuse.
Our younger brothers and sisters are still isolated and denied free access to information and appropriate education, and not told their basic human rights. They are still being indoctrinated and groomed to be God's Endtime soldiers, believing the world will end soon.
We were thrown into adulthood unprepared for life out-side the cult's confines. We had no identity, no bank account, National Insurance number or medical histories. It took time to sort out what we believed and who we were. We were never taught to reason, think, analyze, or evaluate for ourselves. We had to define our personal boundaries and discover our own self-worth. There are a substantial number of children growing up in cults or high-demand organizations, and there is little current provision to help them to adjust to a new culture when they leave. Many have no support structures and feelings of embarrassment, alienation, and gaps in knowledge can make it difficult to integrate into society.
As outlined in the UN Rights of the Child, we believe that children have an equal right to "freedom of expression" and "the freedom to seek receive and impart information and ideas of all kind," and to education that allows them to develop their personality and talents to their fullest potential, and prepares them for "responsible life in free society in the spirit of under-standing, peace, tolerance, equality of sexes, and friendship among all peoples" (UN Rights of the Child Article 13). A balance must be found between protecting the right to religious freedom, and protecting children from damaging or criminal behaviour justified under the guise of "religion."
Though time was lost that can never be returned to us, we are thankful for each day we have together building new memories and friendships. We feel the story of our family is a tribute to the strength of the human spirit. When we look at our accomplishments, we realize we have much to celebrate. Our brother David graduated from Oxford with a degree in Mathematics. Jonathan has a degree in Philosophy from Durham University and is a chartered accountant. Mariana lives in Senegal with her boyfriend and works in the import/export industry. Victor is reading Law at university. Lily is studying art restoration in the south of France. Rosemarie finished a college course in music and is a talented singer. Christopher finished his A-levels and is training to be a nurse. We look for-ward to Kiron returning from his world travels for Kristina and Karl's wedding, set for the summer of 2008.
Kristina supports and works with Safe Passage Foundation with he/ sisters. Celeste has worked as a volunteer for Parent line Plus, and graduated from Nottingham Trent University in 2006 with a degree in Psychology and Education. She now lives with her daughter in Somerset. Celeste is currently a family support worker and hopes to become a clinical psychologist. Juliana is pursuing her dream as a writer and is studying for a BA in Philosophy with Psychological Studies.
Together, the sisters have founded an organization called RISE International (Resources Information Socialization Education), which works to protect children from all forms of abuse in isolated and/or extremist cults.
We are thankful for those who supported us during difficult times and who we can count on. Despite the obstacles that were put in our path, we are living our lives free to make our own decisions and look forward to a better future, a future we thought we would never have.