Origins of the Universe and What It All Means (16 page)

When she tires of sorting photos (which sustains her attention for about ten minutes), I put in a DVD of
Monk
, the cozy whodunit detective series that she used to enjoy before the stroke. Forgetting I'm still in the room with her (her brain ignores everything to her left), she clicks the episode off halfway through. When I ask, “Oh, are we done?” she looks startled.

“I didn't know you were still here.”

“I'm here, but I can leave if you want.”

“I'd like to get in bed and take a nap.”

“Don't you want to see how the story ends?”

“Not really.” She pauses. Then she clicks the television back on and apologizes. “That wasn't very nice of me.”

Thinking of others. Her brain is starting to work. I cling to moments like this.

“No problem,” I say. “I'll stay till the end of the show, then I'll leave so you can be alone.”

“Good.”

I'm not sure if “good” refers to my staying a while or my leaving soon. Probably the latter. If I help her into bed, I'll verbally coach her through the process so she can spread the blanket and cover her feet herself—the blanket-spreading will take four or five minutes. If she gets into bed after I leave, the caregivers will do it all for her—blanket-spreading done in three seconds.

As the episode nears its conclusion, I fire up my laptop and check my Facebook newsfeed. My friend has twenty-nine responses. I add mine: “Oh, Steve, I am so sorry. Thinking of you.”

 

Thirty-Six

 

I question my mother's quality of life in the rest home. And I question the decisions I've made over the past year, and whether those decisions have bettered or worsened her existence. Every emergency room event, every surgery, hospitalization, nursing-home admittance—in each situation, the nurses and/or doctors ask the same question, either verbally, in hushed tones while we huddle in the hallway, or in writing, as part of the admittance paperwork: If the patient's heart or breathing were to stop, should the patient be resuscitated or allowed a natural death?

I also wonder about the less dramatic situations, the day-to-day moments over the past year. For months I (and other family members) have coaxed her, almost forced her to eat, to lift her head, open her eyes and see the hallway walls as I wheeled her through the hospital corridors in what they call the “pink chair” (which is really an elevated bed on wheels). She didn't want to do any of this. Her damaged brain wanted to retreat, to sleep, simply withdraw from the world. If left to wither away in her bed, she would have spiraled into a vegetative state, then death. A year later, she's far from vegetative; she's alert and cognizant, and with assistance she can even walk a little. But I question her quality of life, and my responsibility for her present situation.

And then there's my father. I suppose he really is better off in Mexico. His lifestyle—the taxis, the pedestrian-friendly street life, relatives in his town—allows for so much more independence than if he returned to my quiet suburban neighborhood. Then why can't I sleep following a phone call from him?

I wonder if we can quantify the quality of life.

If you had to choose between a long and uneventful life and a short but exciting life, which would you pick? And how would you arrive at that decision? Can you reduce such questions to purely objective, formulaic equations?

Allow me to explore this notion. And just for kicks, let's take it to the absurd.

Surely, I owe my propensity for teaching to my parents. It's in my blood. So what follows are my hypothetical lecture handouts on “Quantifying the Quality of Life.” Pretend we're in my college classroom and pretend it's a philosophy class on death. Or life. Keep in mind that I don't actually teach such a class—I'm not a philosopher. Just humor me.

Okay—so you've been handed a packet, the pages of which comprise the remainder of this chapter.

HANDOUT PACKET FOR TODAY'S LECTURE: “CAN WE QUANTIFY THE QUALITY OF LIFE?”

Here's what we'll discuss on the following pages:

1.
    
Today's Discussion Question

2.
    
Assigning Point Values

3.
    
Deriving Square Units of OVERALL QUALITY (sqOQ)

4.
    
Measuring Different Kinds of Lives

5.
    
Average Rank of Satisfaction

6.
    
Comparing Types of Existence

7.
    
Measuring Peaks

8.
    
Homework Assignment (due next class)

9.
    
Reading Assignment (as per homework directions)

Please note—

Mathematical formulas will NOT be on the test. So relax.

1. TODAY'S DISCUSSION QUESTION:
CAN WE QUANTIFY THE QUALITY OF LIFE?

As we've discussed previously, the point behind the go-for-the-big-potatoes, go-for-the-small-potatoes idea is to pack it all in—to fill your life with valuable contents, the more the better. Dying at 20 deprives you of goods you'd have gotten if you'd lived to 30, and dying at 40 deprives you of goods that would have come to you if only you'd lived to 70 or 80. I think we can generally agree that, all else being equal, the longer your life, the better. No chalkboard filled with high-level Einstein-type math is needed to figure that one out.

Einstein calculations

But consider this...

2. ASSIGNING POINT VALUES

a.
    
So here's a life, say 50 years long.

b.
    
And suppose we quantify the quality of this life, say we give it 100 value points—whatever our units of measurement for calculating just how good a life is.

i.
    
50 years @ 100 points

c.
    
If you had to choose between your life of 50 years at 100 value points, or 50 years at 130 value points, you'd probably opt for the second life.

i.
    
50 years @ 100 points = okay

ii.
    
50 years @ 130 points = better = sign me up!

d.
    
Yeah, yeah, quality matters. We know this. But if you think it through mathematically, maybe it ALL comes down to a matter of quantity. How so?

3. DERIVING UNITS OF OVERALL QUALITY (sqOQ)

a.
    
When we measure quantity, we need to measure not just the length of the life, but the height of the box: one unit of quality multiplied by each year.

i.
    
Formula: Duration × Quality = square units of value

Box A = 50 years × 100 value points = 5,000 square units

Box B = 50 years × 130 value points = 6,500 square units

b.
    
Without getting too hung up on the numbers (as though there was any kind of precision here), the underlying principle states:

i.
    
The area of the box represents “Overall Quality”

1.
    
—which accounts for the quantity (longevity—how many years you live) and type of items (big and small potatoes—writing
Moby Dick the Sequel: Good Whales Gone Bad
and sipping fine wine) that you managed to cram into your 50-year lifespan box.

c.
    
Now do this: Place each item on either the Big Potatoes or Small Notatoes list.

i.
    
Hiking Mount Whitney
⁶

ii.
    
Attending your son's school play

iii.
    
Gardening

iv.
    
Watching TV (alone)
⁷

v.
    
Watching TV (with your elderly mother in the nursing home)
⁸

vi.
    
Writing your novel
⁹

So then, if...

i.
    
Potatoes is the same thing as square units of Overall Quality

Then we can say...

i.
    
Potatoes = sqOQ

Which means...

i.
    
Potatoes × Duration = square units of Overall Quality

ii.
    
Formula: Π P × D = sqOQ

Box A = 5,000 square units of Overall Quality @ 50 years = 5,000 sqOQ

Box B = 6,500 square units of Overall Quality @ 50 years = 6,500 sqOQ

4. MEASURING DIFFERENT KINDS OF LIVES

a.
    
We could start measuring different kinds of lives.

b.
    
You could live 100 years at 90 quality points.

c.
    
Or you could live 150 years at some lesser point value—less quality but longer duration.

i.
    
We see how it goes:

Box C = 100 years × 90 value points = 9,000 sqOQ

Box D = 150 years × 40 value points = 6,000 sqOQ

Etc., etc., etc. ...

5. AVERAGE RANK OF SATISFACTION

a.
    
Now let's compare lives relative to the average rank of satisfaction on the Overall Quality scale. Suppose that...

b.
    
A good life, an average life, ranked at an Overall Quality of
10

10 sqOQ ≈ J = good life

c.
    
Zero would be a life not worth having, but no worse than nonexistence (NE)

0/+1 sqOQ ≈ (∞ NE) = K = icky life

d.
    
Negative numbers mean you're presumably better off dead(BOD)

-1 sqOQ ≥ ≈{Ø} → BOD = L = TERRIBLE life

e.
    
Comparatively speaking, then, Box A (remember our first box?) is an incredible life after all!

i.
    
Average life = 10 points of value?

ii.
    
Box A = 100 points of value?

iii.
    
Things are looking up.