Plastic Hearts (32 page)

I continued to process his words and lack of emotion as my classmates shared their thoughts. When it was my turn, I froze. I knew what inspired me, but I couldn’t move the words out without tearing up, not when he was in the room.

Dane finally turned to face me, but his expression didn’t change at all. He looked dejected and empty. I wanted to hug him, run my fingers under his dark, sad eyes and kiss away all the pain. I didn’t have any right to do that anymore, though. I had given him away like an old sweater. The problem was usually you gave away things you no longer wanted, but I wanted Dane more than anything in my life.

My body started to shake as I looked away from his punishing eyes. I ran out of the room without saying a word. A part of me wanted Dane to run after me, but I didn’t deserve that. I wished I could take it all back and have his arms around me once again, but it was never going to happen. I was falling with no one to catch me.

I skipped Anatomy. There was always next week to start attending class again. I wanted to wrap myself in my bed and stay there until Monday morning. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, but I accepted Gwen’s call when my phone rang.

I thought about letting it go to voicemail, but I hadn’t talked to her all week and I didn’t want her to call my mother in a panic. “Hi.” I didn’t even bother to lift my head from the pillow.

“Alexandra, you haven’t called me all week. What’s up?” She sounded cheery. If only it were contagious.

“Nothing really,” I murmured into my pillow.

“What’s wrong? You don’t sound good.” Perceptive one, wasn’t she?

“Dane and I broke up.” I heard an audible gasp.

“What? Why? You guys looked so happy last weekend at my wedding.” I remembered everything about last weekend; the dancing, the night in my bedroom and the night out in the rain. I had never been happier in my life.

“Mom didn’t approve and she kind of gave me an ultimatum. I had to let him go.” Bitterness streaked my voice.

“Can I be honest with you?” When I didn’t say anything, she continued. “I envied you. When I saw you with Dane that weekend in New York, I wanted what you had. I know Mom probably put so much fear in your head that you can’t hear what I’m trying to tell you but Alexandra, you had what everyone wants.” I gasped as I tried to catch my breath. I expected her to tell me I made the right decision, but instead she was confirming what my heart was telling me. She was another voice being added to the constant soundtrack that plays in my mind.

“What should I do?” I asked.

“Follow your heart,” she whispered, surprising me. My heart was torn between loving Dane and protecting him. I was confused and wished there was a way to see into the future. What would the consequences have been if I stayed with Dane?

“Thanks, Gwen. Look, I have to go. Can we continue this later?” I had some thinking to do and I wanted to do it without anyone in my head.

“I know this is strange coming from me, but I love you and want you to be happy.” I liked this new version of Gwen, even if I really didn’t want to listen to her logic right now.

“Thank you,” I whispered before ending the call.

Had I made the wrong decision? I thought I was protecting him, but maybe I was being selfish. Was I more worried about myself than him? I could live without the money; it never really mattered to me anyway. Could Dane defend himself against my parents? I was beginning to think he could; he wasn’t as weak as I was. Maybe I gave up on us too quickly.

I tried to call him, but it immediately went to voicemail. I left at least six messages, but after three hours and no reply, I grabbed my phone again and let my fingers hover over the keys before I finally sent him a text.

Can you meet me somewhere to talk? – A

Still nothing. He didn’t want anything to do with me and that hurt more than one hundred nails to my heart. Sometimes second chances didn’t exist. I had gone past the point of redemption and forgiveness and ruined my one chance at true love.

When Jade asked me to go to Tyler’s little get together on Thursday, I told her no. The whole time I’d been with Dane, we had never attended one of Tyler’s weekly parties. He said it wasn’t his scene and I was confident he wouldn’t be there tonight, but truth be told, it wasn’t my scene either. Besides, I wasn’t ready to go out and be around other people who were a lot happier than I was. Over the past several days, I had accepted Dane was gone and wasn’t coming back, but my heart hadn’t even begun to heal.

Tyler had sent me an apology text a few days ago. I didn’t care for how he approached the situation at the restaurant, but he was protecting his friend and I could see where he was coming from. I would do the same thing if someone did that to Jade.

I was getting ready to have another movie night with a package full of cookies in hand. I have avoided alcohol all together after the night I ran home from the restaurant; I felt like I’d been hit by a truck the remainder of the weekend and decided that sometimes the numbness wasn’t worth the after effect. I needed to deal with everything without the alcohol; learning to live with the pain was like trying to learn to walk.

“Alex, you’re going with me tonight. I’m not taking no for an answer. You have twenty minutes to get ready,” Jade said, hands on her hips.

“I’m not going to a party. I’m just going to stay in and watch movies,” I pouted, pulling my hair into a ponytail.

“Alex, I swear to God. If you don’t come with me tonight, I’m going to invite everyone to come over here. Do you want a bunch of people in our room?” Why did everyone feel the need to threaten me?

“Really, Jade?”

“I’m serious. You’re being ridiculous. Now get up and get moving.”

“Fine, Jade, but only for tonight and we’re not staying long,” I said, through my teeth. I pulled on my black sweater, jeans and black stilettos, letting my hair down. It was a cool spring evening, but I couldn’t bring myself to put on the leather jacket that hung on my desk chair. I hadn’t worn it since I left him lying in his bed, and everything about it reminded me of him; the feel, the smell, the warmth. I didn’t feel like I deserved it anymore.

“Ready?” Jade asked, reining me back in.

“Yep, let’s go.”

I told myself I would avoid alcohol tonight, but the minute we walked in the door my feelings changed. Tyler’s place wasn’t huge, but there were probably thirty people jammed into the space drinking, talking, and laughing. For the last couple weeks, laughter had been a loud pounding noise in my head. I hated the sound of it because I couldn’t bring myself to do it or fathom that anyone was happy when I was so far from it. I was surrounded by lively, intoxicated people and I immediately missed him. I remembered the last party we attended, laughing as we played cards. The first night we said “I love you”. I wanted something to drink and I didn’t talk myself out of it this time. I wasn’t sure how many shots I had consumed, but it was enough to make the numbness completely wash over me.

Jade didn’t leave my side and I caught Tyler looking in our direction several times, winking and smiling. Each time she seemed to move her legs off the couch a little more and I couldn’t take the sexual tension any longer. “You can go over there. I’ll be fine. “

“Are you sure?” she asked, trying to filter her excitement.

“Yes, go!” I practically pushed her off the couch.

“Okay, let me know when you are ready to leave.” She gave my hand a quick squeeze and went to join Tyler. I watched for a second as he put his arm around her and placed a kiss on her cheek. I quickly withdrew my attention from them and focused on the rest of the party.

Do you ever have those moments where you are in a room and you feel like you are on the outside looking in? Like those around you are characters in a sitcom and you are just a member of the live studio audience? That was how I felt in this moment. There were sounds floating all around me as I sat in complete silence taking it all in. I got up and stumbled toward the makeshift bar and drank two more shots. I was going for a third when I was startled by a voice behind me. “Slow down there, sailor.”

I turned to see Tyler’s roommate, Mason, standing there. I ignored him, turning around to grab my next shot before downing it. “You’re Jade’s friend. Alex, right?”

“You got it,” I said, spinning back around to look at him. I made a mental note not to move so quickly next time as the room began to change directions. Even through my blurry vision, I could see he had a smile that would play in most girls’ dreams for years. His jaw was strong, he had great cheekbones and a single dimple on the left side of his face; he was cute in the clean-cut, boy next-door kind of way. Definitely the type of guy I used to date with his slightly too long blond hair and dark brown eyes.

“Are you here with anyone?” he finally asked as his eyes traveled down my body.

“Just Jade,” I said, grasping the bar to hold myself up.

His smile grew wide as his eyes met mine again. “You look like you could use some fresh air. Want to step outside with me?”

I looked around and didn’t see Jade. The sounds in the room were starting to overwhelm me. Maybe fresh air would help. “Lead the way,” I said. He grabbed my hand and led me out to a small balcony. The night air was chilly, but with all the alcohol warming my body I couldn’t feel it.

I honestly couldn’t tell you what we talked about for most of the time we remained outside. He mentioned he worked at an investment firm, but I didn’t catch which one. I wondered if he went into it because he wanted to or someone else wanted him to, but I didn’t care enough to ask. He looked like he came from money, but that was presumptuous of me; maybe he genuinely enjoyed it.

“It’s nice out here tonight,” Mason observed as I nodded in agreement. “You’re a Pre-Med major, right?”

“Yep.” I considered making an excuse to go inside, but the evening air felt good. I didn’t come here to talk, but Mason was easy to talk to.

“What kind of doctor do you want to be?” he asked. I didn’t know him well enough to tell him the truth.

“I’m undecided,” I answered, moving my eyes to the skyline before returning them to him.

We stood there facing each other, hips resting against the old black railing. I felt better than I had in days thanks to the noise, the alcohol and Mason. He didn’t know the pain I was in and the things I had done. He talked to me like there wasn’t a care in the world and I felt normal. After several minutes a breeze blew past us sending chills through my body and he began running his hands up and down the lengths of my arms. I inadvertently looked up, right into his eyes and before I knew it his lips were on mine.

I didn’t know how to react at first. My body stiffened and my instinct was to push him away, run until I was back in the comforts of my own dorm room, but the alcohol froze me in place. As if he knew what I was thinking, he wrapped his arms around me and deepened the kiss. Something about the way he held and kissed me, relaxed me. He was warm and when I closed my eyes, it was like something I had missed out on for weeks was suddenly there. It was comfort, warmth and want. His hands started to travel up my back, then through my hair before cradling my neck.

After several minutes, he pulled away. “It’s getting chilly out here. Do you want to find somewhere warm inside?” I just nodded as he grabbed my hand and lead me back inside. I didn’t think much about where we were going. There was warmth in my body that hadn’t been there in two weeks and whether it was the alcohol or Mason, I didn’t care. I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t question him when we ended up in his room with the door closed. It was quiet again; the sounds of the city muffled with the sounds of those who were socializing outside his door.

My earlier calm had begun to fade as he walked me back until my legs met his bed. He kissed my lips and before I knew what was happening, I was laying on my back with him on top of me. I started to tell myself that I needed to do this, move on from Dane and all the things I could never have. Dane held my heart; he was my first, my one, my only and I couldn’t have him. This was the new Alex and I was going to have to get used to it one way or another. He lifted my sweater above my head and I let him. He placed kisses between my breasts and down my stomach while working at the buttons on my jeans. All I could do was lay there with my eyes shut, willing the pain to go away. Dane didn’t do this to me. I did this. I put myself here.

As my jeans made their way down my legs, I felt a tear slide down the side of my face. I was about to give Mason something I had only given to one person. I held onto my ideals on love and sex for a long time and now I had to let it go. The numbness I felt before I opened my heart was back and I planned to use it to get through this. I needed to forget everything and feel nothing. More tears fell as I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting. I didn’t move. I just laid there as my underwear was removed and then heard him discarding of his own clothes. He kissed his way back up my body again. I was shaking and if he could feel it, he didn’t say anything. His hardness was pressed against my leg, but I felt nothing inside. I just wanted this to be over with, but I couldn’t move a muscle. It was like I was frozen in place. I wanted to replace all the aching.