Rebel Rockstar (3 page)

T
he white
, button-down shirt that my wardrobe assistant picked out for me feels scratchy and uncomfortable; the starched collar rubs into my neck when I turn my head. I’ve never enjoyed wearing formal clothes, but I know I look good in them and I’m hoping to impress Jem with my new, more clean-cut look. I brush my curled hair back and rub in more mousse, causing my curls to become more prominent.
Well, here goes nothing, I guess!
I wink at my reflection, my nerves jangling at the thought of being close to Jem once more.

I turn to my suite door and open it smoothly, walking out into the brightly lit, lushly carpeted corridor. I am not looking forward to the dinner but I force myself to go to the dining hall, hoping that at least the meal is somewhat edible. I’ve been on cruises before and have always found the food to be on par with nasty hospital food.

The managers are already seated, including my previous manager, Cole Hayes. He’s looking older, a paunch being held in by a tight, purple silk shirt.
He always dressed like a Vegas gambler,
I snicker to myself and take a seat across from Paul, who is engrossed in furiously emailing from his tablet. He doesn’t even look up at me, so I busy myself pouring some iced strawberry water into a glass. I take a sip and am trying to calm my nerves when I see Jem walk into the room, arm in arm with a pretty young girl in bright pink.

My heart skips a beat. Jem looks drop-dead gorgeous in her midnight-blue dress; her legs are long and shapely, and she moves gracefully forward like a dancer. Her cleavage is tastefully on display.
Oh, wow...
It’s the only thought I can muster and it spins around in my head. She’s always made me feel lost for words, even in her casual jeans-and-shirt combinations.

I watch her walk to the table, smiling as I hear her laugh at something the other girl says. I wonder who the younger girl is… I can’t help noticing how cute she is, especially in the pink ensemble she’s wearing. Jem slides into the leather dining chair far down the table. I wish she’d sit next to me.

Suddenly, the room goes silent and I turn to see what the fuss is about. Tonya walks in, dressed in a form-fitting black evening dress. She looks great. I won’t deny it. But I’ve always felt like prey in her presence. She sits across from me and smiles hungrily, and I feel her eyes moving down my body,.. Appraising me. I don’t want to give away how I’m feeling—about
anyone
—so all I do is nod in return.

As I pick up my glass to take another sip, I see Jem leaving from the corner of my eye. She looks pale. She rushes to the side of the cruiser and vomits; she’s clearly seasick, and I know she’s unhappy that Tonya is here.

Jem makes her way shakily to a bench and sits down. She’s not looking well at all.
I should help her
. I stand up with a fresh glass of fruit water in my hand.

“Paul, you got any Aspirin?” Paul looks up at me and reaches into his blazer pocket.

“Here. That had better be water, Nate…” He purses his lips. I nod and take the pill.

I know Jem doesn’t really want to see me, but I can’t help worrying about her. She looks so pale. All I want to do is take her into my arms and hold her. I make my way toward her, careful to be quiet and not startle her. She looks up at me and I hand her the water. Our fingers touch. My nerve endings do the electric slide—her skin is as soft as I remember it and I catch a whiff of her jasmine perfume on the sea breeze. After she has gulped down some water, I hand her the Aspirin.

“Sit down, Nate.” Jem says, catching me unawares.

I thought she was going to tell me to leave her alone.
I sit down next to her and look at her profile. Jem’s slightly upturned nose softens her beauty, making her look young and fresh.
I hope her manager doesn’t convince her to get a nose job. She’s obviously made some changes to Jem’s look already
, I muse.

“It’s so peaceful on the dock tonight. The sea sounds like music almost,” she says, still gazing out at the ocean. I have to say something in return. Neither of us is fond of awkward silences.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful out at sea. The water looks like silk, and you can see all the stars,” I reply, hoping it doesn’t come out sounding as cheesy as it does in my head. “You look amazing in that dress, you know. I never thought I’d see you in such a tight outfit!” She laughs and teases me back.

“I never thought I’d see you in a
clean
white shirt! Seems like your manager wanted to make you over too, mister Bad Boy.”

I’m happy for the light-heartedness, but something tugs at my mind. “Jem, what happened with us? Why did you break up with me?” I plead, realizing how much it bothers me.

“Nate, I don’t want to talk about this right now,”

“You didn’t give me an actual reason, Jem! You just…you just left me.”

She tells me I’ll never understand, but how can I understand when she never tells me anything?

J
em stands so far away
that in the dark she is almost invisible. I’m still sitting on the bench, looking at the sea but not really seeing it—my heart is too heavy to concentrate on what is actually a lovely night. I hear heels on the wooden deck and turn quickly to see if Jem is coming back, wanting to talk, but she is still standing at the far end, her head nuzzled into her right shoulder.
Who is it?

I turn back to face the dining hall, only to see Tonya almost upon me. “All alone out here? Want some company to keep you warm, Nate?” she asks, licking her lips and winking.

“No thanks, Tonya. I just want to be alone right now.” She sits down anyway, rubbing her toned thigh against mine. I feel uncomfortable. I want to move, but I don’t want Jem to see me getting up from Tonya’s side, so I stay seated.

“Nate, why do you keep running after that two-bit country girl like a lost puppy when you could have a woman like me?” I look at Tonya, surprised at the question and her boldness. “You had me once, sugar. Don’t you want me again?”

“Look, Tonya, I know we had…fun…when we were younger, but I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t want that life. I want—”

Before I can even finish my sentence, Tonya is on top of me, pushing her lips against mine. “Tonya, get off!” I push her off of me, trying not to hurt her but being firm and calm. She laughs at me and stands up. Her dress is rumpled and I know it will raise questions when she returns to the dinner.

“It’s a shame, Nate. We could have been great, you know,” she says, then saunters back inside. I am trying to gather myself but in the distance I hear a sob and the sound of someone running across the wooden deck. Jem saw everything!
Oh, shit. This has ruined my chance!

My mind reels. She runs past me, her dress lifting slightly in the breeze to show her thighs, but I can see she doesn’t care about modesty right now. She’s upset and angry. Nothing will work out between us now that Tonya put on that display. “Jem! Wait! Let me explain!” I call, but it’s too late. Jem is already inside and being comforted by the new girl, Lola.

I slump back down onto the bench. The night has gone as badly as I hoped it wouldn’t and all I can think is how badly I want a drink right now.

T
he dinner is over
, thankfully, and now I can sit in my room and brood in peace. I turn the TV on and flick through the channels, finding Lifetime. I leave it on for white noise and eventually feel my eyes closing, heavy and tired.

Sometime later I wake suddenly, hearing familiar intro music, and turn sleepily toward the TV set to see what has roused me.
Freedom Bound
is playing as the late-night film.

“Oh, god,” I groan, throwing the soft duvet off and searching for the remote. It has fallen down onto the floor and I lean over, grabbing it and pushing the Off button furiously. I can’t deal with those memories right now. Not after what happened with Jem and Tonya tonight. I let the remote slide back onto the carpet and fall onto the pillows behind me. I feel drained and alone, and I wish I had declined the offer to perform on this cruise, but Paul can be a real dog with a bone when he sets his mind to things.

I lay awake for about ten minutes, then my eyes droop and my body becomes heavy with sleep. Thankfully, it is dreamless.

I
wake
the next morning feeling slightly better and refreshed. Today is the first day of practice before my performance and I’m tingling a little with excitement. I love being onstage, even for sound checks, and I can’t wait to get started.
I hope I don’t have to dress like an accountant for the show, though.

I make my way to the bathroom and splash water on my face to wake myself up. My eyes are still fuzzy from sleep but the cool water helps and I feel more alert. I brush my teeth then reach for the razor and shaving cream, comforted by the calming ritual of shaving and lathering. After my face is clean of stubble, I sprinkle some musky aftershave onto my palms and tap it onto my skin. I may look like a bad boy, but I smell like a Wall Street banker. I remember how Jem used to like the smell of Old Spice because it reminded her of her grandfather. She bought me an expensive limited-edition bottle of it after shooting
Freedom Bound
.

I walk out of the bathroom and into my empty bedroom, waiting for Paul to summon me to another meeting. I’m not looking forward to seeing anyone after last night, but I can’t avoid my own manager forever. This cruise is going to be the death of me.

I roll my shoulders and decide to have a small nip of vodka before I see anyone. I head for the minibar.

“Goddamnit, Paul!” The only drinks available in the minibar are sodas and apple juice. “I’m going to lose my mind on this ship!”

I
hear
Nate’s voice from the bench and turn around to face him, hoping that he wants to talk again, but instead of talking to me, he’s talking to
Tonya
. She’s all over him, and I don’t see Nate resisting. I lean back against the railings, my stomach clenching with anger and sadness. How could he do this to me?

I don’t want to watch but I can’t look away. Tonya leans in and kisses Nate. It’s as if time is standing still while I look away and run towards the dining hall. Nate calls after me but I don’t stop to listen. I can feel my dress lifting in the breeze but my heart is too heavy to care about the way I look. I run past the others and up to my room, slamming the door as I enter. I fling myself onto the bed and bury my head in the soft, silky pillows.

The tears slip slowly from my eyes and I don’t wipe them away. I cry myself into a fitful sleep.

* * *

“
J
em
? Are you up?” Lola’s voice is barely a whisper, and I roll over onto my side to ascertain where, exactly, in my room she is.

“I’m up, Lola. Hi.” She’s sitting in the armchair in the corner of my room and her face lights up with a smile when I answer. She’s wearing white tracksuit pants and a dark grey sweater, but she still looks great.

“I was worried about you,” she replies, and I return the smile.
It’s nice to have someone who cares about me on this ship
.

“I’m okay, I guess. I just saw Tonya and…and Nate…on the deck, and—”

“Oh, Jem, I’m so sorry!” She sighs and gets out of the chair to hug me. I manage to hold back the tears and sit up after hugging her back.

“Well, enough of that. What are your plans for this morning, Lola?” I ask the young girl as she folds herself into a cross-legged sitting position on the edge of my bed.

She blushes and looks at me shyly. “I was kind of hoping we could hang out? I would love to play some songs with you, Jem.”

I grin and nod my head. I know that music is probably one of the only things that can take my mind off of Nate, so I accept her offer. “Do you play any instruments?” My guitar is stowed away in the closet across the room.

“No, not really. Do you?”

“Yeah, I play guitar. How about I play some notes and you sing along?”

Lola beams and claps her hands. I climb out of bed and grab my guitar, then walk back to the bed and sit across from her. I unzip my guitar bag and slide my purple heartwood acoustic out.

“Let’s start with something basic.” I strum a short tune, something light and playful. Lola hums along and bashfully sings the opening words from one of my own songs,
Country Love
. Her voice is clear and husky; I’m not surprised that she is doing so well for her age.

I laugh. “Okay, now sing me one of
your
songs! Hum the chords for me so I can play along.” She does so, and I nod my head in time—it’s a catchy tune.

“That cowboy was good lookin’, great smile and blue eyes. I never dreamed I would win such a prize. Folks said he was restless, wouldn’t stay with me long. I guess after all these years, he’s gone and proved them wrong.” Lola hits every note perfectly, her voice crisp and sweet.

“Did you write that?”

“No, it’s a poem I read a while ago at school. I just asked the author if I could turn it into a song.”

“It sounds great!” I exclaim, making her light up with pride. We carry on like this for a while, singing songs and joking with each other. I feel light and happy. Later I realize that I haven’t thought of Nate or Tonya all morning.

Lola and I make our way to the buffet hall for lunch. We’re both hungry after our morning jam session. The buffet is crammed full of the usual delicious food: freshly made ciabatta loaves, crispy fried bacon and pancetta, delicious refried beans with homemade salsa on the side, and, to my delight, creamy grits.

“I’m in country-girl heaven!” I squeal and Lola laughs as I dish my plate up high with grits, bacon, and golden-yellow butter. She dishes up a delicious-looking Italian-style sandwich and we make our way to the tables on the deck. The sea air is fresh and pleasantly salty; Lola’s dark hair is tossed gently in the breeze.

We eat in silence at first, both enjoying our meals. The grits are creamy and perfectly cooked and I’m taken back to my grandfather’s farm. He made me grits for brunch whenever I went to stay with him. My eyes mist over at the happy memories. It takes me a second to realize that Lola is talking and I bring myself back to the present.

“I can’t believe I’ve been asked to perform with stars like you, Nathan, and Tonya. I mean, I’m such small fry compared to you, Jem!” She takes a bite out of her sandwich.

“Don’t put yourself down, Lola. You’re a great singer and you’ll do well in this business. Just keep on doing what you’re doing.”

“You think so, Jem? I’ve always loved singing. I’m part of the church choir back home. Well…I
was
, I guess. Now that I’m touring so much they must have replaced me.” She seems saddened by this thought and I change the subject to cheer her up.

“Do you have a boyfriend back home?” I ask playfully, giggling as she blushes and rolls her eyes.

“There’s a guy at school who I like. He’s so cute and he’s on the football team. He took me to our school’s spring social.” Lola describes him: blond hair, blue eyes, and big muscles. The typical high school jock, but she seems enamored so I don’t say anything. She’s still so young. “Do you think you’ll get back together with Nate?”

I don’t know how to answer her, and while I’m fumbling with my words, her cellphone rings, saving me.

“Sorry, Jem, it’s my mom! I have to take this.” She stands up and walks off to the railings, chatting to her mom and giggling at something they’re joking about.
I should call my mom, too. She must be wondering how I am
. I spoon the last of the delectable grits into my mouth. I’m glad to have met Lola and I know my parents would like her company too.

After brunch, Lola and I make our way to the on-board spa for an afternoon of pampering and relaxation. We both need it and I am not in the mood to go alone to the spa and feel the pitying stares of the other guests. We get undressed in the locker room and I notice that Lola has a small tattoo of a daisy on the left side of her lower back. She obviously feels my eyes on her and turns to face me, a small, shy smile on her face.

“It’s for my grandmother. Daisies were her favorite flower. She died last year and my mom let me get a tattoo in her memory. My grandmother was the one who taught me to sing, when I was little.”

“I think it’s really pretty.”

We put on the soft, white gowns and make our way to the massage parlor. Lola is getting a hot stone massage, and I’ve chosen an aromatherapy oil tissue massage. The masseurs are both very attractive, dark-skinned, muscular men, and as we lay on the tables, Lola winks at me and we both giggle.

After a few minutes, the relaxing scent of lavender fills the room and I feel strong hands gently rubbing my back. A tingle runs down my spine and my face flushes at the touch of the masseur’s hands.
I’m glad Lola can’t see me!
I’m embarrassed at my reaction. The massages continue for another thirty minutes. Afterwards, both of us are totally relaxed.

“I could get used to this!” Lola jokes. We have booked ourselves a mani-pedi and walk arm-in-arm to the nail salon, discussing what colors we should choose. Lola is going for a baby pink with glitter, and I’ve decided to get a dark maroon and black French-style manicure.
Kim would be proud of my “sexy” choice!
As we sit in the chairs, I notice that Tonya is in the next room, getting her hair styled into long cornrows. I try not to catch her eye.

Lola notices me ducking in my seat.

“Jem, what are you doing?” she asks, lifting her left eyebrow in confusion.

“I don’t want Tonya to see me!” I whisper, hoping the nail artist hasn’t heard our conversation—I don’t want to see a magazine spreading gossip about how I was seen hiding from Tonya!

“Uh…why?”

“She and I aren’t exactly…
friends.
”

“Oh. Is it because she and Nathan were a ‘thing’ before you guys met?” I frown at her, not sure what she means.

“What are you talking about, Lola?” My question comes out sharper than I intend it to, and the young girl cringes slightly.

“Well, it was on the
People
site last year, after your breakup. Tonya’s publicist leaked that she and Nate had hooked up before either of them were famous. It happened before he met you, though.”

My heart races. I close my eyes and drop my head into my hands.

Why has Nate never told me any of this?
I wonder angrily.
No wonder they were all over each other last night!
I am not in the mood for a spa day anymore and before the nail artist has painted any of my toes, I stand up and storm off to the locker room, wanting nothing more than to be alone. I hardly notice Lola’s startled gasp as I leave. I don’t wait for her to follow.

B
ack in my room
, I turn on my radio and tune into the first country station I find, hoping for a cheerful song. I hear the first bars of
Achy Breaky Heart
and turn it up loud, singing along. Lola comes in and, instead of ignoring her, I grab her hands and we start dancing, all the annoyance of earlier forgotten. I’m angry with Nate, not my friend, and I can see the relief on her face as we smile and twirl around the room.

“I feel like I’m back in high school!” I say, laughing at Lola as she does the funky chicken.

“I
am
in high school!” she replies, making us both collapse onto the bed laughing. “Jem, I’m sorry. I thought you knew about Nate and Tonya. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She props herself up on an elbow.

“It’s not your fault.” I sit up and turn the radio off. “I should have assumed. He said I wasn’t his first girlfriend and Tonya was always trying to chat with him when we were together.”

I remember the times when Nate and I had been out at restaurants and Tonya had passed by. She always made a point of waving to Nate, but I had never put two and two together.
I’m so stupid!
I shake my head ruefully.

“I know it was all before he met me, but I can’t help being angry and jealous. Tonya is gorgeous and she’s my competition! How could he have kept this from me?” I wonder aloud.

“Maybe he didn’t want to hurt you,” Lola replies, and I know she isn’t sure how to cheer me up. The kid is only sixteen, and she has never had a boyfriend. “Let’s just have a girls’ day,” she suggests, and I agree.

“I’ll order some room service.” I pick up the phone and the menu.

“Mmmm, let’s have some chocolate mousse and strawberries!” Lola whispers theatrically. “And how about two ice cream sundaes, with the works?” We both laugh and I call room service to place the order.

Lola turns on the TV and looks for a movie station. Suddenly she squeals in delight. “Look, Jem! A romcom channel!” I jokingly sigh and roll my eyes, but I’m pleased to have her with me. Lola is fast becoming one of my best friends.

“Put it on. I think a girls’ day in is exactly what I need.” We both pull the soft duvet over ourselves as
The Wedding Planner
starts up. I hope we stay friends after this trip!