Roadside Bodhisattva (22 page)

“You almost look respectable,” Sue said. “Those kind of formal clothes look all right on you. But not on me. The quicker we get home, the quicker I can change. Let’s go!”

We set out in Ann’s giant old boat of a car. Ann and Angie sat up front. In the back, Sue and Sid each got a window and I had to sit lined up with the hump, in between them. I rested the little package I was carrying on my lap, with my feet propped up high. More than ever, I felt like the youngest member of some weird family.

“Are we there yet?” I said after we had gone about a hundred yards.

Everyone must’ve been on the same wavelength as me, because they all burst out laughing, and I did too. It felt good to laugh, especially because the rest of the day was not going to feature many more chances for laughing.

Sonny and Evelyn were standing outside the funeral home. Sonny had on a suit that had to be his father’s, it looked so old-fashioned. His head bandages had come off, showing just some nasty-looking scabs. Evelyn was dressed like she probably dressed for work, I guessed. She always looked ready to go to a funeral any day. The sun was bright and the air smelled fresh, but somehow the day still felt narrow and overcast. All us guys shook hands and all the women hugged, like we had never seen each other in a long time. Then we went inside the place.

The funeral home had soft thick carpets with flowers worked into the fabric. It smelled weirder even than the hospital, furniture polish and big bouquets and some unknown chemical stink. The director made us all sign a book, and then he showed us into the proper room, where all the lights were turned low.

As we marched in, Sid whispered to me. “What you got there, Kid?”

“None of your business.”

“Fair enough.”

I had been to one wake and funeral before, for my grandfather, so I knew that the line of fancy chairs against the wall was reserved for family members. The only person there was Yasmine, and there was no one else in the room.

Yasmine had on black nylons, black high heels and a black skirt and jacket. Her eyes were puffy from crying, but she managed a little smile when she saw us. She looked so sexy she made my teeth hurt. But I forced myself to remember why we were all here, by looking at the coffin.

Heather O’Hara looked peaceful. Her long black hair was done up in a roll, and her face wasn’t too caved-in or anything. She might’ve just been any average little old lady sleeping.

One by one the others went up to the coffin, kneeled, then moved to join Yasmine in the family seats. I made sure to be last in line. When I got to the coffin, I unwrapped the paper from my package. Then I put the photo of Heather accepting her porn award on top of the coffin.

Everyone had their eyes wide as manhole covers, even Sid, waiting to see what Yasmine would say about this. I took my seat, and she still hadn’t spoken. But finally she said, “That was my mother when I was a little girl. That’s how I want to remember her, I think. All the other kids made fun of me and her. I never had any friends who really understood what she was all about. But maybe now I do.”

Everyone started talking at once then, telling Yasmine reassuring things she needed to hear. Even Sue was being nice to her. We talked like this for an hour or so, until it was time to go to church.

As we were leaving, Yasmine said to the funeral director, “Make sure that picture goes in the coffin with my mother, please.”

The church and the cemetery stuff went okay. A minister made a nice speech about Heather O’Hara, but when he said she was in heaven “cloaked in a virgin’s raiment,” he must’ve wondered why everyone in the pews seemed to be choking. By one O’clock, we were at Yasmine’s house for food and drinks. She lived in a pretty decent neighborhood not far from Sonny’s place.

After Yasmine said no problem, I explored the whole house silently with Sid while the women got lunch ready. He took every detail in like he was assembling a database on Yasmine. But that’s just how he acted with everyone.

The O’Hara house was tiny, just a cottage really, with one small bedroom downstairs that must’ve been the mother’s, a parlor, a kitchen, a bathroom. The upstairs where Yasmine slept had slanted ceilings and you could stand straight only in the middle of the single long room. An iron-framed bed was pushed up against the eaves, so that you’d kinda have to crouch to get into it. On a nightstand, a travel guide to California sat alongside about a hundred bottles of nail polish.

We came down to find five kinds of ready-made sandwiches out of the fridge and unwrapped on a platter, three different cold salads, pickles, wine, beer, and a tray of pastries. Everyone seemed to be as hungry as I suddenly realized I was. Sid poured drinks all around, and pretty soon there was a good conversation going, about Heather and things at Deer Park and jazz and the doings of the lawyers at Evelyn’s office, and a dozen other topics. As the beer and wine flowed, people got looser, and pretty soon we almost all forgot the sadness that had brought us together that day. Or if we didn’t exactly forget, we turned it into something different.

About three O’clock a general feeling that it was time to wrap things up started to surface. I could see Sue getting itchy to change out of her outfit, and Angie looked like he had been away from his television for too long. Yasmine must’ve sensed this, because she stood up and said, “I want to thank you all so much for coming today. I couldn’t have done this alone. But now I have something important to tell you all. I’m heading back to California soon.”

There were groans and “oh, nos,” and some sniffles from the women, but then everybody shifted around to accept the news and started congratulating Yasmine. She grinned big and didn’t even get mad when Sid suggested that she might be looking to get into her mother’s old line of work. She just punched his shoulder and said, “Don’t you just wish!”

Soon enough, it was really time to go. Sonny and Evelyn took off first. Ann offered to help Yasmine clean up, but she said she could do it by herself. So we said goodbye, and all went outside to Ann’s car, leaving Yasmine inside.

Ann and Angie slid into their front seats. Sue swung in behind Angie, and Sid motioned for me to get in the middle again. But I didn’t. Instead, I said something I didn’t even know a second ago that I was gonna say.

“You know what? You guys go on without me. I’m gonna walk. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.”

Ann studied me closely. “You sure, Kid?”

“I’m sure.”

“All right. But be careful. Walk facing traffic. We don’t want any asshole driver hitting you the way they hit Sonny.”

That was the first time I had ever heard Ann swear. A drink or three must have loosened her up. “Will do.”

The car took off then, and I waved goodbye to them until they were out of sight.

Then I turned around and went back to Yasmine’s front door. I rang the bell and she opened the door.

“Can I come in?”

Yasmine didn’t say anything. But she took my hand and brought me inside, and up to her bedroom.

I didn’t know how to get her bra off, so she had to do it. She only smiled, didn’t laugh at me. Her skirt was a cinch to unzip, and her pantyhose rolled down easy. She had her underwear off while I was still loosening my tie.

I had never seen anything so beautiful as Yasmine’s naked body. She wasn’t built like girls my age. I was looking at acres of flesh, and all of it was incredibly fascinating. I was almost hypnotized, kinda dizzy. Suddenly, I got this crazy notion that her body was America, and all the points of interest were cities I could visit. I was overwhelmed.

There was so much to touch and kiss, I didn’t know where to begin.

But luckily she did.

I whacked my head pretty good getting into her bed. But I forgot all about that in just a few seconds.

When it was time I scrabbled around for my pants on the floor and dug the condom Sue had given me out the pocket. The packet was kinda scuffed, but the condom was still good. I had some trouble, like with her bra, but once again Yasmine helped and didn’t make fun of me.

Did Sue ever think when she gave the condom to me I’d be using it with Yasmine? Did Yasmine ever think when the day began that we’d be doing this? I sure hadn’t.

But now we were.

The night was dark, the road was long, and I was pretty beat. Walking back from Lumberton down Route 1, I remembered how Sid and I had walked back from Angie’s place that night he threw us out after we had bugged him about his nephews death. But now I was alone. Yasmine had said she didn’t think giving me a ride back to the Lodge was a good idea. She said something about not having people see us together. She also said something about being wasteful of gas.

I had lied to Ann and the others when I sent them off by saying I had had a lot to think about. As I waved goodbye to them, I had still been pretty certain about my future. I had made up my mind days ago what I was gonna do. But sex with Yasmine had changed things.

We had done it twice. The second time we used a condom she dug out of a bureau drawer. In between the two times, we slept. I never felt I got enough sleep lately, and Yasmine was really drained from the past few days. But after we screwed for the second time, we talked. Or mostly, at first, I talked.

“Yasmine, that was really, really awesome. You are the best. I never knew about half the stuff you showed me. Maybe more than half”

Yasmine lay on her back, her boobs resting low and flattened across her chest. “Well, you’re still young, Kid. You’ve got a lot to learn. But don’t count on learning it all from me.”

“Yasmine, I know why you’re saying that. It’s because you’re leaving for the West Coast. But so am I! I mean, I’m cutting out of Deer Park. I don’t want to be there any more. The whole scene has gotten real old.”

She turned to look at me. “What about your best buddy Sid? Does he feel the same way?”

I made a noise to show I was disgusted with Sid. “No. He’s planning to stay. He’s gonna settle down, says he’s too old for the road any more. We’ve pretty much ended our partnership. So that means I can go anywhere with you.”

Yasmine turned to face me, rising up on one bent arm. The way her boobs moved started to get me stiff again. But I was afraid from the ultra-serious look on her face that there wasn’t going to be any more sex, then or ever.

“Listen, Kid, you are awfully sweet. You’ve been a lot of fun at the Diner. I like the way things don’t get you down that much. You’re always believing that any shitstorm will eventually turn your way. That’s kinda charming, even if life doesn’t always come around to your expectations. And that sex was—it was what I needed at the moment. And I think maybe you liked it a little bit too.” Yasmine stuck her hand under the sheets and grabbed me. She made an exaggerated look of shock. “Oh, Jesus, not again!” But she didn’t take her hand away.

Now I was aching and confused. “I did, Yasmine! I really did like it! And there’s nothing to stop us from going away together and doing it someplace new every day. I—I love you, Yasmine.”

Yasmine sighed. “Kid, you don’t love me, you’re just crazy about the idea of having a woman—any woman—that you can call your own. But you can’t really call me your own. There’s too much of a gap between us, between the stages of our lives. I’m twenty-nine years old, and you’re—what? Sixteen?”

I could’ve lied, but I didn’t. “Yeah.”

“You’ve got a whole lot of stuff to get through, territory that I’ve already marched through. And it’s a bitch, those particular years. I don’t wanna redo all that with you, because I’ve got a big new scary frontier of my own to explore. Trying to make a permanent relationship out of one fuck between people as different as you and me is a big mistake. You see what I’m saying?”

Again, I could’ve lied, said I didn’t understand her argument. But I found out to my surprise I really did. So I quoted some of the Prophet’s words.

“’Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.’”

Yasmine tipped her head and her eyes got shiny. “Kid, that’s beautiful. Is that poetry?”

“It is. It’s from one of my favorite books.”

“You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

I was feeling all noble and big-hearted. “I am. And it was two fucks.”

Yasmine squeezed my dick. “Let’s make it two and a half.”

She went under the sheets then, and we didn’t need a condom for what she did.

All of that went through my head as I got close to Deer Park. But these thoughts and memories of Yasmine were already starting to feel like part of my past, not my future. And it was notions about my future that had me mixed-up.

Maybe I didn’t want to leave Deer Park right away after all.

Because maybe there was a real chance for me at long last with Sue.

Look at what had happened when I had taken my best shot with Yasmine. I hadn’t hung back like a wimp when the opportunity to go after her had sprung up. I had just acted spontaneously, stepped forward and presented myself like a super-confident stud. And everything went better than I ever could’ve hoped.

This attitude was what was missing when I tried to approach Sue. I realized that now. Because Sue was almost my own age, just a year older, I somehow got more intimidated by her than I had by Yasmine, who just seemed like she came from another world. Sue was more real to me than Yasmine. Her opinions meant more. Yasmine was just a kind of beautiful dream, but Sue represented something real. So naturally I got all screwed-up and tongue-tied and confused around her. Because we had a chance for something long-term.