Ruining Me (21 page)

Grabbing the note back from him I
look at
them both and shove it in my front pocket.

“It’s just his sick and twisted way of getting to me.  It just threw me for a second.”  I smile the biggest fake smile I could.  “He’s an asshole. We send these stupid notes back and forth. 
It’s just a twisted
game between us.” 

Reed looks
right at me and he sound
s
so sad.  “When did rape become a joke?”

I
gasp
and stutter
,
“
Th
-
that’s not it.  It wasn’t like that Reed.  Just
don’t read anything into this okay? 
Please?”  My voice beg
s him and so did my eyes.  Looking
at Molly
I
could see the
pity
in her eyes
and she shakes her head at me. 
“I’ve got to go guys.  I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

Not waiting for either
of them to
respond
, I jump
in my
car and start to pull away only glancing up once in my rear view mirror.  Molly was leaning into Reed for a hug and he was staring back at me. 
They finally faded from my view the faster I drove away.  Isn’t that what I always did lately
? 
I ran
away from everyone and everything.  Once I started thinking everything was getting easier, I realize this shit was never going to end.

I drove to the lake.  There is
this
spot that
JT
would
always
take me to so we could just s
it and talk.
It’s a wooded area that has a gentle slope to the water.  Parking my car I get out and
sit on the back of
it
.  It was so quiet and so peaceful
here
.  

What was the point to all this pain?  Having to either feel it or deal with it
,
hurt too many people that I loved.  It hurt me. 
The notes were because he wanted me to hurt. 
He really got off on that. 
I didn’t turn him in
and i
t gave him power over me.  Does
n’t
he know that I would end it a
ll before I would tell anyone?

Two weeks ago I could have told you just how and where I would end this life.  My life didn’t mean anything to me anymore. 
The only thing that mattered was th
e control that I had over it.  I swore when I lost that again
,
it would be time.  I pretty much
had
ended all ties to those that I love so that my death wouldn’t hurt that much and what have done?  I’ve ruined all that.  These past couple of weeks
,
I’ve re-attached those ties and made new ones. 

My phone chirps alerting me to a text message.  I pull it out of my pocket and see that it’s from Kane.

Kane -
how was school?  working late tonight but will try to
be
at
your
house by 9
...
late dinner okay?

I
place the phone beside me.  What am I doing?  Could I hurt this beautiful man?  Would I want to see his beautiful eyes dim toward me if he were to learn my secrets? 
I look back over the water and that’s when I hear a car pulling in behind me.  I turn and notice
immediately
that it’s
JT
’s truck.  He should be at football p
ractice.  What is he doing here?
  He jumps out of the truck and marches right up to me.  His face is red and the rage pours o
f
f
of
him.

“Why aren’t you at football practice?” I ask trying to deflect his anger.

“Fuck football practice.  What did that motherfucker Rhye do?  Don’t you lie to me again Jay.  I swear
,
I will beat you
to
within an inch of your life if you do
,
and then you’ll have a valid reason to be scared of me
,
”
he
y
ells
in my face
.

JT
is so angry and his jaw tightens as he gr
inds
his teeth together.  I know that I need to calm him down. 
Placing b
oth of my hands on his shoulders
I calmly
say to him.  “Calm down JT. I’ll talk to you, but you have to calm down.
”
  He looks at my hands and then back at me
.  I notice he takes a deep breath. 

“Reed told me about the note.  I was watching you all day.  God, you and Molly and Reed talking again just gave me hope for me and you. 
I watched what happened in the parking lot.  After you left I cornered Reed and made him tell me why you all looked upset. 
He told me about the
note and
flower
on your car.  Molly
said she only grabbed it off your car and read it because she
thought your new bo
yfriend
had left
it for you, but Reed said
it wasn’t from him.  He
thinks that Rhye
left it
.  Is that who
force
d
you Jay?  Was he the one that took you
away
from me?”

I gasped.  “It wasn’t like that with Rhye.”  JT narrow
s
his eyes at me and I continue
, “
He didn’t force me
JT
and he wasn’
t my first.”  I knew I had to give him something and that was as close to the truth as I could get for now.  He backed away from
me
and turned around.  He stood staring at the lake.

“So what, you like it rough then
?
  Does it get you off that someone has to take it?  Is that what I’m missing?
”
  His voice was low and he still faced away from me. 
His hands were
gripping his waist tightly. 
JT
’s next question was low but I still heard it. “I was supposed to be your first Jay.  Why wasn’t I your first?”

Jumping
from the car
I walk
to stand behind him
. 
A love so intense fills
me. 
I still loved this boy that stood in front of me. 
For the life of me I wish I didn’t, but I did.  I place my hand
on
the middle of his back
and whisper to him,
“
I was saving
me
for you.”  His body
started
shaking with emotion and he tried to turn around, but I wouldn’t let him yet.  “No don’t turn around.  I just want you to listen to me and I don’
t wa
nt you to look at me.”  I stroke
his hard mus
cular back shoulder to shoulder and he lowers his head to his chest. 

“I know you’ve guessed what happened.  I’m not going to lie to you anymore and say it didn’t.  God knows
JT
that
I’ve lied to everyone and I have my reasons.  If I could go back and change time I would, but I can’t.  I’ve begged you to move on.  You have to or you will destroy me and you both.  I can’t talk about it.  I can only beg you to let it go.  Please dear Lord
,
just let it go.”

His breathing halted and I could feel it from my hands on his back.  “Why didn’t you tell me?  Why Jay
?
”

Clearing my voice I continue
to rub his back not sure if I was comforting
him or myself.  My body was warming and I was standing so close to him I could see the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

“I was ruined for you JT.  I wanted to come to you whole.  I was ashamed and then things just continued to get worse.  The longer I ignored you the easier to break away it became, but I never stopped loving you.  I can’t stop loving you.”  My voice whispered to him. 

He suddenly
turned
around, but didn’t touch me.  We stood almost
nose to nose. 
Looking
into those clear blue eyes
I
knew I would always love
him
.  That he would always hold a huge part of my heart forever. 

“You still love me,” he stated.  It wasn’t a question because I knew he already saw the answer in my eyes.  He slowly brought his hand up and rubbed the tips of his fingers acr
oss
my lips. 
Closing my eyes
,
I feel
his lips on mine.  Lightly he
kisse
s
me, but he ke
e
p
s
his arms at his side
.  He sp
e
ks
in between kisses, “I love you Jay.  I’ve always loved o
nly you.  Please just love me.
”  His words ri
p
me apart.  How much damage had I caused this
beautiful boy?  I owe him this and
I want to give him a little part of me.  Just enough to heal him, but I couldn’t think about what it would cost me. 

Reaching for his face
,
I cradle his cheeks in my hands. 
The bruises a
re a
faded green color
now
where Kane had hit him
.  My mouth finds his and I kiss him. 
He groans but he does
n’t reach for me. Years f
a
ll away and I
remember
with a vengeance how much
he was a part of my life.  Sucking on
his tongue
he
finally grabs
my hips, but he d
oesn’t
pull me toward him. 
Instead h
e pushe
s
me away.
 
My breath was coming in pants and so was his.

“That is the second hardest thing I’ve ever done,” he stated between breaths.  “I have to be sure Jay.  Are y
ou choosing me over him?  Is that
what this is?” 

I kn
o
w he mean
s
Kane. 
His eyes pray
for me to answer his questions with
a
yes and I want to, but I
was confused. 
Turning
around
,
I
walk toward the lake
’
s shoreline.  The sun was mirr
ored on the water and it gleam
ed
gold.  He
came
and stood behind me.

“Do you know what I miss more than anything?”  He sp
eaks
softly behind
my ear. 
“I miss that you were my best friend
,
and we told each other everything.  It didn’t matter how corny or stupid it was
.  Y
ou
always
listened
,
and you never laughed.
  We would come out here and just talk for hours.  When you walked away
,
I had no one to talk to.  No one Jay.
”  He pause
s
and I d
on’t
know what to say.  The silence was killing me though.

“I love you
JT
, but I think I love him t
o
o.  This is such a mess
and
I didn’t plan this.  I honest to God thought I was over you and
now
just
realiz
ing
I never was.” 
Lifting my hands I
cover
my eyes. 
 
He
steps up
behind me and pull
s
my back against his chest. 
Wrapping his
arms around me
, I
lean back against him.   He kisse
s
the top of my head and lower
s
his mouth to my ear.