Sacred Hart (4 page)

“Have a seat. Hey, Lou, get these ladies some hot cocoa,” Tony shouted to the older lady taking another customer’s order. She nodded and gave me a welcoming smile. It felt as if I belonged here. I hadn’t felt at
“home”
since my parents died five years ago. This place, with its run-down green vinyl booths, old wooden tables, and musty bacon scent, felt more like a home to me than my own house.

Beth and I headed to one of the booths just as the kitchen door swung open. He walked through, head down with his eyes to the floor. I hadn’t noticed much about him in the black morning light. He was taller than I remembered, definitely over six foot, and his shoulders were broad under his red and black checked flannel shirt. His hair was on the darker side of blond, his beard was full, and his features were sharp. Although his beard covered it, you could tell he had an impressive jawline. He was very handsome in a rugged sort of way. His large hands held the door, and I wondered where they’d been. They looked capable, weathered, and strong.

“Ryan, I need two cheeseburgers, cheese only, combos to-go, for these fine ladies.” Tony held out his hand and gestured to Beth and me.

Ryan. Ryan. Ryan
… I liked how the name sounded in my head. He lifted his gaze, gifting me his brown eyes, and my lips parted. They were the darkest brown I’d ever seen. A deep, painful brown. It was almost too much to behold. The morning moon had hidden this man from me in its shadows. He scanned my face, and then his stare landed on Beth. Immediately, the hard edge dropped from his eyes. He watched her for a moment, and then closed his eyes as if wounded. The crease in his brow became profound as if the sight of her caused him to wince.

“Did you hear me, son?” Tony’s brows furrowed.

“I did,” Ryan said as he opened his eyes.

“All right then?” Tony asked, and Ryan nodded. “All right then.” Tony turned and continued his conversation with Tate.

“Go pick a song, Honey Bee.” I handed Beth some coins from my purse and watched as she skipped to the jukebox. Her enthusiasm made me smile. Ryan was watching her too as I turned to speak to him. “I… I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to say thank you and tell you I’m sorry for how I acted. It was—”

“It’s fine.” His jaw pulsed as he looked at me.

“I mean, the man, he was my neighbor.”

Ryan’s hand tensed on the door. “He
was
your neighbor?”

“He didn’t make it.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” He stared over my shoulder as he spoke in a robotic tone.

“Are you?” I wasn’t sure why I asked it, or why I’d infused attitude into my tone, but part of me thought his reply was too scripted, and it made me curious.

“I am.” His dark brown eyes swallowed me whole as he gave me his full attention.

I nervously chewed on the side of my lower lip, having that much intensity pointed in my direction all at once wasn’t something I was used to. “I’ll have your order ready in a few minutes.”

“Thank you,” I said softly, not sure if he’d catch that my thank you was for this morning and the food.

He held my gaze, and the way he watched me – like I was something to memorize, like he hadn’t seen anything like it before – caused each breath, each beat of my pulse to rise.

He nodded and swallowed before he dropped his eyes to the floor, retreating back into the kitchen. My cheeks felt hot and I was sure I was blushing. Tony was looking at me with a coy smirk, and a secret in his eyes. “I hope to see you around here more often.”

I smiled. “I’m sad I’ve never come in before.”

“Oh honey, you were here at least once a week when you were knee high to a grasshopper. I told you, me and your dad, we played cards. You and your mom would come and dance to that very same jukebox.” He laughed openly as we both turned to watch Beth wiggle her hips. The memory hit me like a freight train. After they died, I couldn’t think about the past too much. It was like cutting open an almost healed wound, the pain was sharp.

“I remember,” I whispered as I closed my eyes. I felt my mom’s hand in mine as she twirled me. The bluegrass, the banjos, the smell of bacon. The memories flooded through me, and I felt the heat of my tears overflow onto my cheeks.

“My wife was sick. I’m sorry I didn’t come to their funeral.” Tony’s smile faded as his eyes met mine. “They were good people.”

“They really were.” The words were a strangled knot in my throat.

“Mom, we
must
come here again.” Beth ran over to me, and I barked out a laugh. My life was an emotional rollercoaster.

Tony looked back at the kitchen door and gave me that secret grin again. Lou, who had been in and out of the kitchen so many times I couldn’t keep up with her, came out again, but this time with our food and two cups of cocoa. “Here you go.” She handed Beth her cup and handed me mine, as well as the bag. “Tony instructed me, it’s on the house.”

“No, you don’t have—”

“Just don’t be a stranger.” Tony’s smile was small.

“I won’t.”

“Good, see you soon. And, Beth, watch out for her. She’s far too sappy looking for such a young pretty thing.”

Beth giggled, and I shook my head. “Let’s go, Bee.”

“See you.” It was then when I looked over my shoulder to wave goodbye, that I saw him again. Ryan. His keen eyes trapped mine, and the butterflies in my stomach surged. I wasn’t sure if it was him or the memories. Either way, this place… it held a piece of me I’d lost, and I wanted her back.

There wasn’t any rain tonight. My eyes were heavy, but my mind wouldn’t shut down. She hadn’t told me her name, but her eyes – those damn, soft blue eyes told me all I needed to know. I’d made her anxious. That same unsettled look I’d gotten from her this morning at the crash site, it was there again this afternoon at the diner. It irritated me, having someone actually look at me. She watched me take in each breath, each movement, and I didn’t like it. It made me feel like a spectacle or a display. It wasn’t until she blushed and her lips parted that I realized she was appraising me in a way I hadn’t been privy to in a long-ass time.

Prison hadn’t dulled my senses. Time hadn’t erased the fact that I was a man, but I didn’t have anything to offer a woman, so what would be the point.

Maggie.

Tony had told me her name after she’d left.

“She’s a good girl, that one.” His smirk was obvious and I ignored him, keeping my eyes trained on the grill and the three burgers I was cooking. “Got a raw deal, poor girl. Her little one sure is cute. Lots of attitude.” He chuckled, and the mention of the little girl made my chest tight.

“What’s her name?” I asked but kept my attention on the food.

He laughed again. “Maggie Wright. Beth is her daughter. She’s six years old and, from what I know, the dad’s not in the picture. Don’t know much, but I do know she went down to Utah for nursing school, graduated, and after a minute, came home knocked up. Utah!” He snorted. “You’d never think your daughter would come home knocked up from that state.”

My lips twitched at the corners. Tony loved to make himself laugh and, at times, it was hard not to smile when he was around. His laughter died down and he became silent. The sudden change in mood caused me to finally look up from the grill.

“Her parents died five years ago. They were on vacation in Oregon, and they’d been out sailing. A storm came in, and the story is they lost direction somehow, ended up heading out to sea instead of back to the harbor. Her dad, Richard, he was experienced, I couldn’t believe it when I found out. I just couldn’t believe it.”

“That’s horrible.” Death was an inevitability, but to die in tragedy, it wasn’t right, and we’re supposed to believe in a god… I’d never believe it.

“It was a great loss. Richard and Peggy were good people. I was so wrapped up in Harlow, in Red, and her cancer treatments, I missed their funeral.”

“So they were recovered then? I mean, at least she had that closure.”

He shook his head. “No. Just the vessel was found. They were presumed dead a week later.” Tony grabbed the fryer and lifted the fries from the grease. The smell of burnt hamburger meat assaulted my nose.

“Shit.” I flipped the burgers, but it was too late. They were overdone.

“Nah, don’t worry about it, Ryan. Just serve ‘em. No one will notice.”

“The girl… she looks a lot like—” I couldn’t say her name; I couldn’t say how much seeing her hurt. She was so full of life. A life Belle would never have. “Death is death, Tony. It’s never going to get easier, not for you, not for me, and not for Maggie Wright and her daughter.”

Death took something I’d never get back… time. When I saw Beth this morning, time mocked me, and it showed me a future that would never be. Maggie could look at me like I was something special, something to want, and it wouldn’t matter because underneath the sinew and bones was a dead heart, a shell of who I could’ve been.

I closed my eyes and rolled heavily to my right side.
Maggie.
I permitted myself to think her name one last time as my breaths fell to a measured and shallowed hum. I was almost asleep when Maggie’s smile flashed behind my lids. Her eyes on mine and the way her lips were shy around the corners, the image haunted me. But, it was the first time in over ten years I thought of something other than myself and the miserable hole I’d become. I thought of her and I slept. I fucking slept, and it was dreamless, silent — it was heaven.

The weather remained dry the next morning and, even though the humid air chilled me to the core and my breath hung in the air like fog, I used the break to get some work done on my truck. It was an old, beat up Ford F250, made back in 1978. It was mostly white with a red panel down the sides and enough rust to make it dangerous. The damp earth tried to swallow the wheels of the creeper as I rolled out from under the truck. The padded device kept me off the wet ground, and I was grateful for it. I sat up and wiped the grease onto my jeans. There was something to be said about changing your own oil, not having to rely on another person. When I was in prison, I learned lots of valuable skills: how to change my own oil, how to make a shank out of paper, and best of all, I learned how to be on my own — the art of being silent. I learned how to keep peace in my own solitude.

Lunch was over and the diner was deserted. Only the occasional passerby on route twelve would stop in for some coffee. I had about an hour before I needed to start prepping for the dinner crowd. The Conner’s and their seven children drove down from Aberdeen to see Tony every Thursday, and like clockwork, it was shakes, fries, and burgers. Harlow had been related to them somehow, but that’s how it was more often than not. Our customers were townies for the most part, but Tony had touched everyone’s life in some way or another. A man of the cloth through and through.

I stood and brought the used engine oil to the container required for proper disposal and sealed it tight. On my way back toward the truck, my head was down as usual, and my eyes were busy counting steps. It was a habit I’d acquired in prison — head down, be invisible, but always on alert. I sensed her before I saw her. My head shot up and my eyes flicked to hers. Her blonde hair was in braided pigtails, and she wore a yellow raincoat opened in the front. A green sweater with pink hearts on it peeked out from under the heavy jacket material. I scanned the area around my truck, but there was no sign of Maggie.

“Beth?” I said her name quietly, just in case I was seeing shit. It wouldn’t be the first time apparitions came to wreak havoc on my heart.

She smiled up at me. “Mom, here he is!” she yelled, and it surprised me. I was used to silence, easy chatter, and the sound of simmering oil, but her voice sailed, and it made the tension in my shoulders evaporate.

Maggie came around the back of the diner. Her long hair hung loosely in mixed hues of honey and gold. The locks blew across her face as a frigid gust rustled the pines. She moved the strands from her eyes and laughed. Her smile was easy with pink lips and cheeks red from the cold. She was beautiful, and it wasn’t something I wanted to notice. I brought my gaze back to the ground where it belonged.

“Hi, I-I wanted… well, Beth wanted some ice cream again and—”

“No, Mom, you said you wanted to come see—”

“Beth!”

I chuckled, and my gaze flicked to the little girl and then to Maggie.

“Last time I checked, ice cream could be found
in
the diner, not back here,” I joked, and Maggie blushed. Not what I was expecting.

“So it seems.” She fidgeted with her fingers. “I was on my way home from work, and when we passed by, I had the urge to stop. I didn’t properly introduce myself yesterday, and I know I said thank you, but I wanted to—”

“I don’t need a thank you.” I hadn’t meant it to sound as harsh as it had, and her smile waned as I walked to my truck. I bent down and grabbed the rag and a few tools from the ground. “And besides, Tony told me your name. It’s Maggie.”

She nodded and her gaze fell to my hands. I was grateful I’d picked up the tools. The social norm of shaking hands wasn’t something I did.

“I’m Ryan, Ryan Hartford.” The words felt weak, like maybe it was a question, maybe it was who I used to be.

“Well, Ryan, I’m going to say thank you whether you like it or not. I don’t feel like you got the full gist of it yesterday. You can’t stop me from saying it, it’s a free country and all that, so…” Her smile pulled up at the corners, and she raised her eyebrows letting the word hang in the thick chilled air between us.

“So, you said you wanted ice cream?” I asked.

“Yes!” Beth dropped the two sticks she was playing with and pumped her fist in the air. She made me smile, but as Maggie laughed, my heart squeezed out two painful beats, and my smile faltered. I couldn’t afford to let myself feel anything for them.

“Head on in. I’ll be around in a minute. I’m going to finish cleaning up.” I dropped the rag and tools in the bed of my truck and pulled the bright blue tarp that covered the back of the vehicle into place.

“I don’t want to be any trouble. I’m sure I can get Tony or someone—”

“I’ll be right there.” I should have smiled when I spoke. She swallowed nervously, and I felt guilty. “It’s no trouble… really.” My tone was gentle this time, and Maggie’s shy smile returned. “Just going to wash up.”

“Okay, come on Honey Bee.” Maggie took Beth’s hand in hers and walked back around the building.

It didn’t take me long to wash my hands and arms; the grease came off easily with the special soap I’d bought a few weeks ago. It was meant for mechanics and it worked well. I couldn’t have dirty fingernails and cook food. I had a smudge of grease on my nose, and my clothes were filthy. I wished I could have showered, but I promised the little girl ice cream. I stripped off my dirt and grass stained T-shirt and splashed water on my face before lathering my hands again. The soap stung my eyes as I scrubbed the grime from my skin. I quickly pulled on a light gray hooded sweatshirt, locked up, and headed to the diner.

Lou was filling the salt and pepper shakers on the tables, and Tony was laughing loudly at the counter. Maggie’s long legs hung over the side of her stool, her feet propped on the bar of her daughter’s stool. She’d removed her coat, and her
Spider-Man
scrub top made me internally smile. In a different life, I was sure it would’ve been something special to know Maggie Wright.

“Strawberry, Rocky Road, or Vanilla… it’s all we got kiddo.” I gave Beth a small smile. I walked behind the counter, and Maggie’s laughter died down. She watched me again, her eyes on my hands, at first, as I leaned them against the countertop, and then to my face without abandon as she took in my features. My jaw constricted, and my body torqued tight under her careful inspection.

“What do you think, Beth?” Tony asked.

“Can I have it with fudge, too?” Beth puffed out her cheeks, her eyes wide waiting for an answer. The unusual expression made it impossible for me to hold back my laughter.