You’re back! OMG I’ve missed you so much, baby girl!!! I know we promised to keep in touch over the chapter break, I’m honestly
so
sorry I didn’t write or call or anything. I just got super busy writing this upcoming chapter, and also I’ve been platonically friend-dating this new guy, Styx (he can tattoo his own thigh, it’s so cool!!), I started a juice fast and I was really tired for the first few days when you only get two juices a day . . . oh my God, I’ve become one of those girls who makes excuses for not hanging out with her girlfriends. I am like gonna burst out into tears. I love you, babe. I’m so glad we’re back. You’re my best friend. :) Dinner soon, please! :)

I know what you’ve all been waiting for—Xander update! Well, today’s your lucky day, babes! I think it’s actually going super well. I ran into him at a CVS six months ago while I was buying tampons and instead of talking to him, I burst out crying and I threw a bunch of AAA batteries from the battery aisle at him (which they made me buy EVEN THOUGH I never took them out of the package) and it sort of sent me into a spiral and then I didn’t write for like six months. So yeah, I think we’re really working out some of our shit! I love that we’re both adults and can just, you know, communicate.

Chemistry
comes from the Greek
alchemy
, which, loosely translated, means “chemistry.” The study of chemistry is all about matter, and boy, does it
matter
! Chemistry is easy when you realize that everything you taste or touch is a chemical. Like, if you’ve ever worked with bleach, that’s a chemical! And if you haven’t, what kind of a woman are you! Clean your family’s goddamn clothes! If you’ve ever cooked or baked, that’s chemistry. Painted your fingernails? Chemistry. Painted a dog’s fingernails? Chem-mutt’s-try! Shouted out a chemistry equation while faking an orgasm in the Bucking Bronco sex position
(this chapter’s featured sex move!)? Chemistry. But also: a
great Friday night!
;) Yee-HAW! Ride ’em cow-GIRL! My safe word is “MORE, PLEASE!”

I’m going to try to make chemistry as fun for you as possible. Chemistry can seem very abstract and scary, like your dad turning into a smoke spider. But it’s actually very concrete and scary, like your dad turning into someone who would divorce your mom after forty-three years of marriage.
FIG. 2.1
After this chapter, I promise you won’t fear chemistry any longer. The only acceptable things for a modern woman (Can I get an “I am woman, hear me roar”?!) to be afraid of: mice, rats, mortality, candles, HPV, bugs, your vagina being ugly, aging, ending up alone, your vagina being too long vertically, whole milk.

FIG. 2.1

Sit back, relax, and pour yourself a Malibu Spice Tini-Meanie (Malibu spiced rum, vodka, and Atkins meal-replacement milkshake—yes, those are chemicals, too! ;)), because it’s time to
“Let’s Get Chemicals! Chemicals!”
(sung to the tune of “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton-John!).

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I should have saved that pun for the physics chapter.
“Let’s Get Physics, Y’all!”
is actually like the most perfect thing I’ve ever thought of. Well, I’ll use it there, too.

Food & Cooking—Yum Yum!

To ease into the extremely difficult science of chemistry, we’ll begin with the chemistry of cooking! Most women inherently grasp the science behind cooking without even thinking about it, but we’ll spell it out. Not literally—don’t worry, ladies! We’ll save spelling for another book!

There are three major types of molecules that make up the food that we eat:
carbohydrates
,
lipids
, and
proteins
.

CARBOHYDRATES:
Carbohydrates (literally hydrates of carbon) are chemical compounds that act as the primary means of storing
or consuming energy. The most common carbohydrate for human consumption is sucrose, or table sugar. If you want to be skinny, DO NOT EAT THEM.

LIPIDS:
Lipids
is the scientific name for fats. Fats that are liquid at room temperature are often referred to as oil. Lipids in food include the oils of such grains as corn and soybeans, or animal fats, and are parts of many foods such as milk, cheese, and meat. If you want to be skinny, DO NOT EAT THEM.

PROTEINS:
In food, proteins are essential for growth and survival and vary depending upon a person’s age and physiology (e.g., pregnancy). Proteins in food are commonly found in peanuts, meat, poultry, and seafood. If you want to be skinny, DO NOT EAT THEM.

FOOD:
If you want to be skinny, DO NOT EAT THIS.

PAPER MENU:
While not
technically
thought of as a food by most scientists, this is a good option if you don’t want the calories that come from “food”! When you go to the restaurant, just ask for the menu!

AIR:
Also a guilt-free part of a balanced breakfast!

CIGARETTES:
Totally fine! Like air but better tasting!

FOOD:
Bad!

NOT FOOD:
Good!

WE:
ARE BEST FRIENDS!

Healthy Cookin’

All girls want to stay trim and healthy! Everyone’s favorite celebrity chef,
Paula Deen
, has created a health-food cookbook that is basically foolproof.

PAULA DEEN’S HEALTH-FOOD COOKBOOK

Everyone knows cooking is just chemistry wrapped in practicality wrapped in fun. It’s the turducken of the sciences! Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had type 2 diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!

FRUIT SALAD

INGREDIENTS:

1 1-lb. bag Skittles

3 cups ranch dressing

DIRECTIONS:

Mix well. Serve at room temperature.

PAULA’S BROWN RICE

INGREDIENTS:

1 pilaf white rice

1 bowl melted Junior Mints

DIRECTIONS:

Cover rice in chocolate. Serve with maple syrup to taste. To splurge, top with a sprinkle of sausage calzones.

SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES

INGREDIENTS:

1 dozen (12) Cadbury Creme Eggs

2 lbs. Frito crumbs

1 package extra-fat pork lard
FIG. 2.2

1 pilaf Paula’s brown rice

DIRECTIONS:

Break the Cadbury eggs and harvest the crème-filled white centers. Dip them in the Frito crumbs. Put the lard (make SURE to get the extra-fat kind or it will be BLAND) in a frying pan on high heat, and fry the crème centers until golden brown. Serve on a bed of Paula’s brown rice.

FIG. 2.2

PAULA’S GARDEN BURGER

INGREDIENTS:

3 bags Olive Garden
^®Endless Breadsticks

12 Olive Garden
^®Stuffed Mushrooms

1 plate Olive Garden
^®New! Baked Pasta Romana with Chicken

4 Olive Garden
^®Black Tie Mousse Cakes

1 slice American cheese (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

Smash all of the Olive Garden
^®foods together until they resemble a large patty and top with cheese. For lower calories, hold the cheese.

PAULA’S GUILT-FREE FAT-FREE
^®SMOOTHIE

INGREDIENTS:

34 lbs. sugar

DIRECTIONS:

Put sugar in smoothie glass and drink with straw, serve chilled in white-wine tumblers, or, for special occasions, lap from trough. This delicacy is guilt-free since you can make a conscious choice not to feel guilty about anything you put in your body, like Paula does!

BUFFET AND A BURGER

INGREDIENTS:

1 burger

1 Las Vegas buffet

Christmas-themed elastic pants (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

Go to Las Vegas buffet. Make sure the buffet has burgers, or provide your own. Do NOT walk around the buffet. Get a motorized scooter, or stay in one spot and use a jaws of life to pick some of each buffet food out of the tubs and put it on your burger. Elastic pants are nice because your gupa (gunt-fupa) stays nicely inside the stretchy pants except for a few folds of fat with stretch marks that seep out of the pants.

PAULA’S GUILT-FREE
^®PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLIES

INGREDIENTS:

1 peanut

18 sticks butter, mashed

1 pair Jellies shoes

DIRECTIONS:

Cover the shoes with butter and top with the peanut, then eat the shoes. If you eat shoes it’s like you’re exercising so it’s VERY healthy.

PAULA’S GUILT-FREE
^®PIZZA PANTS

INGREDIENTS:

10' x 20' swath of pizza

More pizzas to use as pepperonis on the pizza

Stuffed mushrooms

FYI the mushrooms are stuffed with smaller pizzas

Smuckers Magic Shell ice cream topping

Rolos

Coca-Cola

3 bags gummy bears

Fondue

Caesar salad dressing

Wood chips (as a thickener)

Grenadine syrup

Butter-flour mixture

Pizza Pockets

1 sewing machine

1 sewing pattern for pants (size XXXL)

DIRECTIONS:

Mushrooms are a vegetable and there are definitely some mushrooms on that pizza so technically they are HEALTHY-style pizza pants. Take the really big pizza. Put all of the other ingredients on the pizza. Pour the Coke on the pizza. Dip the pizza in the fondue, and resist eating it before you make it into pants, no cheating!!! Sew that pizza into pants using the machine and the pattern. Make sure to sew in some pockets so you can keep a few extra spare Pizza Pockets in your pizza pockets!!!! Then eat your pants!!!!!!!!!!!

PAULA’S GUILT-FREE
^®TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN

INGREDIENTS:

3 turduckens
FIG. 2.3

DIRECTIONS:

Stuff a turducken in a turducken in a turducken. While you’re waiting for it to cook, make your fat niece make you some pizza pants while you’re watching
Pawn Stars
and eat your pants and then slap your niece.

FIG. 2.3

INSULIN AU GRATIN

INGREDIENTS:

1 insulin shot

1 15-lb. block of cheddar cheese

DIRECTIONS:

Bury insulin shot in cheese. When you’re going into a diabetic coma, just eat your way to the shot!! Eat the cheese fast or you’ll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPARKLING WATER

INGREDIENTS:

1 glass sparkling water

1 ham

DIRECTIONS:

Put ham in water.

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