Seeking Nirvana (22 page)

“Kiss me, Kady,” he
ordered.

I tipped my head back to greet his lips, when
the shadows and obscurity of the hallway was eradicated by a blinding light.

“What the fuck?”

Out the corner of my eye, I noticed a silhouette taking place in the left entranceway.

“
Yes, what the fuck exactly?” the voice rustled in contempt.

Walker sidestepped, but I
was still guarded by his body.

“Oh, go
ahead. Don’t let me stop you, Kady, baby.”

“Liam…” my voice along with my body was trembling.

Fuck. What have we done?

Arms crossed highhandedly over his chest, Liam stood on the threshold of the entranceway leading into the living room. Feet positioned shoulder-width apart, his head low, just regarding him like this, bold as brass, concrete solid with his shaven jaw ticking away at high speed, had me quaking in my boots and fighting for breath, while the butterflies pleaded for an escape.

At that moment, I would have been less intimidated if it was a nine-foot Satan st
anding in my house.

“What are you…?”

He glared at my pointedly. “I think I’ll be the one asking the questions, Kady.” I hung my head feeling like a reproached child. Walker’s hand was covering my own, offering tiny squeezes. “You,” Liam shifted his death-glare to Walker, “You’re fired. Get the fuck out of my house.”

Walk
er snorted, which pressed me to give a subtle nudge in his back. “I’m not going anywhere without her,” he stated harshly.

“You won’t?”
Liam’s menacing tone and glower, which clouded his profile, had me striving to combat my nerves even more. Liam took a threatening step toward us. “Get the fuck out of my house before I call the authorities. I am not repeating myself again.”

Walker turned
his body to me, his hands once again, framing my face. My God, did he have a death wish? Liam was right fucking there with murder in his eyes, and Walker was touching me like this? I wasn’t stupid. Although I was gazing into Walker’s eyes, I was still very much aware of the raging bull behind him. I remained alert of Liam’s movements; no way was I going to have him advance toward Walker with his back turned.

He breathed my name, and again made it sound like Katy, which made a ghost of a smile tickle my lips. I could never bore with it.

“It’ll be okay, Walker. Honestly. I’ll be fine.” In that moment, I vaguely wondered why he was so worried for my safety. It wasn’t the first time…he said something similar last night when I was having nervous and anxiety breakdown number one.

I began to slip his leather from my arms when he stopped me. “No, you keep hold of it for now. I’ll ring within thirty minutes. Do you understand?”

I nodded.

A sheet of ice surfaced along
The Indian Ocean as he studied me. “You had better fucking answer it. Do you understand?”

As I nodded my affirmation again, he pressed his lips to my brow. His hesitance of leaving me
alone was tangible. But when I whispered that I would be fine, he pulled open the door. I was left equally baffled by his choice of four departing words, “Remember the old Kady.”

Liam remained like a pissed off statue in the center of the hall, as I closed the door and turned to face him. His pale blue shirt tucked neatly into gray pants, he rocked back and forth on his heels, his jaw still ticking away. “What is that?” he
jeered with immense disapproval.

“What’s what, Liam?” I countered cautiously.

“That.” He pointed his brow at my outfit.

“This would be a dress, Liam. And these”––I lifted each of my bare legs in turn––“are called legs.
It’s been deemed appropriate for a female to expose them since the 60’s.”

“Don’t get smart with me, Kady, baby,” he warned with a sharp glint of
portent shooting from the daggers in his glare. “Don’t. Get. Fucking. Smart.”

I studied him with my lips firmly locked for a lifetime.
I guess Steinbeck did call him. What was I thinking, feeling guilty over my speculation just because he didn’t mention anything on the phone earlier? And what the Hell was he doing here? No way was he on an early flight…and even if he was, it would be impossible to get from Tokyo to Boston in seven hours.

I tightened my eyes and cocked my head. “How are you…?” I shook my head distantly as I assessed everything in my
fogged up, cagy mind. “It’s a fourteen hour flight from Tokyo…you called like six hours ago.”

Returning my stare, he sniffled.
Nevertheless, he was giving nothing away.

The penny dropped, and I was caught somewhere between hurt and anger.
“You weren’t even in Tokyo…were you? There was no business trip,” I speculated with great attentiveness.

He sniffled again, looking impassive with his arms still firmly crossed over his blue shirt. I idly questioned why he wasn’t defending himself.

Scowling, I asked, “Where have you been?”

An age passed as we studied one another in total silence. Only his recurring sniffles broke through the stillness
of unease. Resting his tongue on his lower lip, he hung his head and took two menacing steps toward me. I sucked in a breath, holding the air captive in my lungs as I pressed my back up against the barrier behind me.

“I said, I’d be the one asking the questions,” he
enunciated clearly. “Do you understand?”

I simply closed my eyes, allowing an eternity to pass before I blinked
them back open to register exactly what was happening. Seriously, how is it possible to experience so many conflicting emotions in one, measly night?

When my lids opened, I returned his stare, not even dignifying his question with a response. Striding carefully, I headed up the stairs, removing Walker’s jacket as I did so. Heavy footsteps trailed
behind me while I made my way into the bedroom, tossing the jacket onto the satin-adorned bed. As I removed my earrings, setting them on the dressing table on the opposite side of the room, I could feel his glare piercing through my back, making me struggle for valued breath.

“So, I leave you alone for a few days, and you show me respect by cavorti
ng with him? How does it feel?”

“How does what feel
?” I spun around on my heel to face him. He stepped through the doorway, approaching the end of the four-poster bed with intimidating, dominant strides.

“Being the Irishman’s little whore, Kady, baby. Or should I say, Raven.”

Grimacing, the offense I felt spawned a low growl, which reverberated through my throat.

“You’ve
reverted back to that desperate little hussy I picked up in the strip club all those moons ago. Once a whore, always a whore, Kady.”

“Fuck you, Liam,” I
spewed, which made his eyes harden and nostrils flare. For a passing moment, that expression had me winded. “You know what; you left me here days ago with an entire head cram packed full of lies. Everything you told me was lies upon lies––”

With his eyebrows meeting his hairline, he had the audacity to look affronted.
“Lies?”

I pointed in the direction of his home office. “Leading me to your office, showing me statements with funds missing, telling me my dad was gambling and how you were the one keeping them afloat? You know what, Liam
––” I shook my head, while Walker’s departing words replayed in my mind, and filled me with a form of gumption. I tread forward to the base of the bed to meet him. “Being in Walker’s company the last few days has triggered things in my head, sparked things that you couldn’t get to spark in the entire time of me being back here. How dare you call me his whore? He’s ten times the fucking man you are!”

Breathing ragged,
the raging bull was back, and my words were obviously the red cloak. Lips pursed, he hung his head for a brief second almost wounded, while I focused on reigning in my temper. When he lifted his eyes again, a fake smile was plastered over his face, and I suddenly felt very much out of my depth. I sagged as he began to turn away.

Thank G
od, we both need space; we both need to calm do––

He spu
n back at high velocity, the back of his hand connecting hard, sharp and fast with the side of my face. His assault knocked me clean off my feet as I crashed down to meet the carpet in a shaking, nerve wrecked heap. Immediately, my eyeball felt like it was going to explode in its socket.

The side of my face c
lutched with a shocked and shaking hand, I gazed up at the demon taking over Liam’s body as he stalked closer. His expression was one of indifference as I backed away on my elbows. “Look what you’re making me do, Kady, baby,” his voice was almost pacifying, yet full of retribution.

“Liam,” I sighed, shaking my
head, then immediately stopped, the heat of his attack burning through my palm.

Bit by bit
, he squatted down in front of me, his hands locked and hung between his thighs. He regarded me like I was some errant child. “I think we need to ring the doctor. You obviously need to go back on holiday, Kady.”

I
scowled, “Holiday?”

Nodding gleefully he smiled like a deranged man which made my heart beat harder. My adrenaline was pumping, but it wasn’t any
where as powerful as the nerves and fear I was engulfed by, just having him looming over me like that. “You’re delusional, Kady. I don’t know why you would think I would say something that horrific, about your parents.”

“Liam,” I felt my eyes welling up with salted moisture.
His disturbing grin and widened eyes shimmered and distorted. “I am not delusional. You walked me to your office; you pulled the statement from the gray file. $25,000 over six months.”

He clucked his tongue scornfully and shook his head
completely careless. “No, Kady, baby,” he bolstered through his grin. “I shred all my statement, I always have.”

Fuck. Was I going crazy? I couldn’t have been. I remembered that day as if I was living it right this second. Or did I?

The phone began to sound on Liam’s side of the bed. Walker.

I watched him as he glared at me, a threatening expression
carved into his face like he was made of marble. I peeked over at the ringing handset. Knowing Walker was on the opposite end of that line gave me the courage to move. I hastily shunted myself from the floor and staggered to the bedside. I managed to lift the receiver, only to have Liam snatch it from my hand before I even had chance to press the button, and toss it against the wall at the bottom of the room, shattering it into pieces of silver plastic and flying rubber buttons, before wrestling me to meet my fate on the floor again.

Aggressively suspended
over me, he pinned me to the floor. Hands bound around my throat, his grip tightened as I fought to free myself of his heavy body. “Kady, baby, look what you’re making me do,” he hissed through clenched-teeth, his eyes violent. “I don’t want to hurt you, but you never learn. Why don’t you learn?”

I battered his forearms
away but it was to no gain. Fuck. I had to get him off me. I had to get up. Bucking my hips wasn’t an option; he was far too heavy for that. Arms outstretched, I gripped into his hair, frantically pulling as hard as I could as I fought for a breath to pass the constriction of his control.

My vision
was blurring, my lungs grating, and my head felt like it was going to explode as muffled ringing invaded my ears.

Walker…I had to get to Walker…

His grip came to loosen as he felt my body lax beneath him. I found my cue. Lifting my leg, my knee swiftly collided with his groin, causing him to abandon his hold on my throat, and go down to hold between his legs as his body rolled off mine and writhed in agony to the side of me.

Right hand
splayed against the raw flesh of my throat, I made a great effort to heave a breath through the swelling tenderness in my gullet. As vital intake was finally made, my chest heaved.

Whipping
the leather jacket off the bed, I made for my escape.

“Kady, you fucking bitch.
You fucking wait, you stupid little cunt. You’re gone. They’re going to lock you up where you belong,” I heard him shouting as I ran down the stairs and out of the danger of the house, into the safety of the Boston streets at night.

I scurried down the front steps and onto the sidewalk, taking little care for my safety as the bottoms of my heels slipped out over the wet pathway.

“Kady?”

I turned to the source of the voice, seeing Steinbeck adjusting her pink fluffy robe and tie, her red hair peeking through the purple hairnet which held curlers the same size as soup cans, in place.

“
Kady, is everything alright?” she pressed again, her tone one which sounded like actual concern.

What the fuck has
she got to be concerned about? I wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for Mrs. Nosey-Parker of next-door tattle-tailing without the correct information. Fuck her. This is her fault.

“Stay the fuck away from me
, Steinbeck, do you understand,” I shouted back, hearing her affronted gasp while I continued to walk down the block.

With each step, my mind continued to spin webs, webs that were becoming so intricate, that the mere thought of piecing all information together was making my head hurt and
causing my already surging adrenaline, to pump harder, faster, and ruthlessly throughout my veins. Devastated by anger, my hands shook, and my legs felt like Jell-O.

The slight chill in the air did nothing to penetrate my body; it was the internal tremors which I tried to eradicate by h
ugging the oversized jacket around me further. Lowering myself off the curb, I could barely feel my feet, thanks to the icy rainwater which pooled along the road. My little toes were rapidly becoming numb, and the only way I managed to stop thinking about the knives stabbing me in my feet, was turning my attention onto Steinbeck.

Was I in the position to post blame on her? Yes, her snooping got me into trouble;
she shouldn’t have called Liam back from his ‘business trip’ for the sake of misinformation. But even if she hadn’t…would this night have been inevitable anyway? My unease around Liam had stemmed from somewhere. Maybe I shouldn’t have disregarded that first piece of the puzzle.

Lesson learned…follow your instincts.

The downpour had eased off considerably. With that being said, I don’t think I would have particularly cared if it was a hurricane, I’d have still freely chosen to walk the streets than stay inside with the raging bull. The raging bull that thought it was acceptable to lay an abusive hand on me. How could he?

What the fuck
had happened over the years for him to change into such a monster? To have so much pent up anger in his system?

Lost in my own depressing
reflection, I went where my feet led me. By the time I knew it, I was passing Bricksdale Square. Traffic was sparse; however, I made a point of walking as close to the passing buildings on my left as I possibly could. Striving to warm the inner chills which were spawning in my body, I clasped the jacket around me even tighter. God, I looked like a cheap hooker, with high heels and a leather jacket which was long enough to make it appear as though I was wearing nothing else. Liam’s words haunted me, ‘
once a whore always a whore’.
I wasn’t a whore. I wasn’t…was I?

Bright lights shone behind me, and I was highly aware of a car slowing down beside me. My unease resurfaced, filling me with panic. I already fought of one man tonight, a man who I spent the last God only knows how many years trusting with my life, after he tried to kill me with his bare hands. I didn’t have the energy in me to fight off another.

I inched my way closer to the wall at my left, pushing myself as far out of the way as possible, when a voice called my name from a lowered window. Stopping in my tracks, I peeked at the car pulling into the sidewalk. A familiar petite looking woman, with block-dyed, glossy red bangs swept to the side gazed at me from the window.

“Laurie?” Thankful that it was someone I kind of knew, I exhaled a sigh of relie
f and approached the window. “What are you doing around here?” I asked, lowering my body while holding the jacket securely around my middle.

“Never mind me, what are you doing walking the streets at this time of night?”

I peeked down at the ground and when I lifted my head with a sad smile, Laurie’s brow instantly furrowed and her eyes turned hard. “What happened to your––” she lifted her hand, gesturing to my eye.

I shook off the interrogation with a flail of my head and mutter
ed, “Nothing, I–I’m okay.”

“Don’t give me BS, Kady. Get in the car.” It was an order, an order which I would have usually brushed off, an order which I would
normally find slightly amusing coming from such a petite thing that was dwarfed furthermore behind the steering wheel.

Rearing myself up, I strolled around the hood, and slipped into the passenger side.

The streets were dead as she pulled away and headed east, attempting to get any sliver of information which she could from me, which wasn’t much.

“Kady,” her hand came down lightly on my thigh and I instantly recoiled at the gesture.
She sighed. “Kady, I can’t possibly begin to understand how you’re feeling with your condition, not knowing who you can and can’t trust. But you do have friends, and I’m one of them. Please, don’t feel like you got to bottle things up. If you want to talk, then I’m always here.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. She hit the nail right on the head. I didn’t know who I could and couldn’t trust. The incidents of the night just proved that. And above anything, I obviously couldn’t trust myself
, couldn’t trust my judgment. Not with the feelings that had been stirred in me. Sighing greatly as the weight of the world was halved at her recognition; I forced a smile and exhaled noisily. “Thanks, Laurie.”

“Where can I take you? We can go to mine if you want.”

“No,” I shook my head faintly. I don’t know why, but I felt like I was the paperclip and the magnet was drawing me closer. “Do you know where the Pavilion is?”

She nodded
circumspectly. “Is that where you want to go?”

The corners of my lips twitched. “Please.”

The Pavilion was situated on the corner of Dolton Avenue and third. A place that even just by driving through screamed rundown and high crime rates. Did Walker really live in this neighborhood? I was sitting in the car, twisting my fingers and staring up at the structure. Walker was right, names can be deceiving. With a name like the Pavilion, I expected something a little classy, a little luxury. Instead, a dim corner structure which looked like it had seen a fire or two in its time, full of shabby bay windows and a door which was heavily vandalized stared back at me.

Out of nowhere, a clatter sounded from the basketball court opposite. Startled by the raucous
din, I turned to inspect the direction, only to see a garbage can shimmer as it rolled under the glow of the streetlamp, garbage scattered on the ground.

“Kady, are you sure you don’t want to come to mine?” Laurie asked for the fourth time since getting into the car. “I don’t think hanging around here in the day is safe, let alone after dark.”

I smiled fondly at the woman next to me, and set my hand on her forearm. “Thanks, Laurie. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“How are you even going to get in? Do you have a key?”

“Nope, but,” and right on cue, the dim light from the ground floor hall inside showed a man stuffing something into his pocket, before pushing the entrance door open. “There’s my cue. Thanks, Laurie.” I leaned over and quickly kissed her cheek before unfolding myself from the car. Calling for the man to hold up, he held the door open for me with his foot while lighting his cigarette.

A bang and a lock sounded
as the heavy door behind me slammed shut. I found myself standing in the tiny ground floor entrance hall alone, being flanked by a door to my left and one to my right. I just needed to find out which apartment he’s at. I gently tapped the door to my right.

With the chain in place, the door was pulled open as far as the
shackle would allow, and a bald man craned his head around the gap. He gazed at me expectantly. “What?”

Okay, peopl
e obviously lost their manners in this building. “I–I’m sorry to disturb you, but I’m looking for Walker.”

“Walker?” his brow creased.

“Yeah, um…quite tall, always in plaid shirts. Sometimes wears a black flat-cap, drives a pick-up.”

His eyes lit with recognition. “Ah, you mean
, Irish?”

Fuck, why didn’t I think of that?
It would have been much fucking easier. I smiled, and nodded eagerly.

“He’s in 4b.”

“Super, than––” The door was slammed in my face, but I continued with my thanks, hoping the man could hear my appreciation through the door. Not everyone has a problem with misplaced manners.

St
anding at the bottom of the rectangle stairway, I mentally psyched myself up before I took the leap and ascended the ghastly looking flights of uninviting steps which lay ahead. Each step creaked and groaned in objection as I scaled them, and I reminded myself several times not to touch the handrail, which looked ready to fall apart with the most diminutive of pressure. With each door I passed, I was drowned by children crying, men yelling, and what I could only presume as a headboard banging, not to mention the revolting stench which had me burying my nose in the collar of Walker’s jacket. The higher I got, the shoddier the walls became with graffiti of obscene representations of cocks, tits and curse words. How this building was even inhabitable, I have no idea. And it pained me to think that Walker actually lived here. He deserved better.

Reaching the fourth floor, I
turned to my left. My stomach had been replaced with a bowling ball. My heart felt like it was going to explode when I studied his green door, 4b written on it in black marker. Walker, how could you live here? You deserve more than this. Drawing a breath, I gingerly knocked and waited for him to answer.

I knocked and waited, before knocking and waiting a little more, but when he didn’t answer, I just rested my bac
k against the shabby, hard wall and fell to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest.

Liam’s once stunning green and blue speckled eyes had turned
hard, pale and cold. Although my eyes were closed, I was goaded by the memory of his glower from above me as he pinned me under his weight. The image echoed in my mind. I was tormented by the visual, along with his harsh, sickening words as he stressed them like a deranged man.
Look what you’re making me do, why don’t you learn?
Why don’t I learn? Why don’t I fucking learn?

A feral, distress growl left my throat as I gritted my teeth.
My body throbbed and tingled as my heart pumped and blood gushed. I was fighting for breath; a meaningful lungful of air was all I wanted. Nevertheless, I felt the constriction once again in my throat, it was as though his powerful, determined hands had never left me in the first place, and it felt like someone was tightening a belt around my ribcage.

I wanted it to stop. I wanted the replay to stop. I wanted the sensations my body was overrun by to indeed stop, before I did something fucking stupid.
Harsh thuds were made as I rocked back and forth, my back colliding against the hard, fragmented wall behind me, each and every time. The more I assessed the events of the night, the angrier I got, the more the anger simmered, the more I rocked and the harder the following collision was.

Trampling footsteps up the stairway was a faint echo in my throbbing, anxious head.
I felt lost in the world of reiteration, as my back continued to thump and my nails pinched, scrapped and dug into my screaming flesh, like they were embedding themselves to remove the rage which was feasting on me like a parasite.

“Kady?”
Blinking my departure from despair, I peeked up to see Walker bending down beside me. “Thank God you’re okay,” he muttered into my hair after pulling me to his chest. I wanted to be calm, I wanted to sink into his hold like I had done before, and I knew that it was possible. Yet, everything at that point was all a haze. I couldn’t concentrate; I couldn’t revel in the simplest of connections because I was a walking fucking volcano waiting to erupt, and I wanted to erupt then and there just to free the pent-up aggression from my system.

He d
rew himself away from my rigid body, my hair pushed back by strong, seeking hands. He framed my face and studied me intently, while his thumb caressed the arch of my cheekbone which was still feeling raw. I can’t explain it. Although it ached and hurt and my instant reaction should have been to wince, I just sat there, totally immobile, concentrating on the way his lips parted slightly and the gasp that sounded before his lips transformed into a firm, uncompromising line. It hurt…but it didn’t feel like enough.

Intense
eyes grew threatening and molten, his lips a firm line as he sucked in a breath through his nose, his left nostril squeaking with the profundity of his intake. His eyes dipped to my hands, the flesh raw and fiery.

“Let’s go inside.” He helped me up from my position, slipped the
key in the lock, and led me in.

I could hear his heavy
treads, and the creaking of wood as I remained cold and motionless against the door, shrouded by darkness. Shadows were eliminated as he switched on the table lamp; I glanced around his living room. The flooring was bare wooden slabs, the plaster walls cracked and crumbling. His sofa and armchair were mismatched as the two-seater spanned along the right wall, the chair on the opposite side of the shabby coffee table. The corner table with the lamp perched atop was against the left arms of the sofa, to the right, was the bay window. The sound of sirens penetrated through the night, and echoed around the small, bare apartment that was, Walker’s home.