Shades of Darkness (Redemption Series) (34 page)

She wished she had one of those and could just shut her emotions off. Sitting here, silently watching him, she couldn’t help but notice the way the last rays of sun reflected off his hair, turning the dark mahogany color to rich burgundy. The layered ends flipped in an unruly disarray that made her fingers ache to reach out and brush them away from his immortally twenty-something face. His square jaw clenched, making the muscles tighten and his naturally full lips were pressed into a grim, determined frown. From where she sat, she couldn’t quite see the color of his eyes. Not that she needed to. She knew him well enough now to discern the mood he was in—broody.

“You’re staring.” He flicked a glance at her and then turned his attention back to the road.

“Am I?” she asked off-handedly. “I didn’t realize.” It was hard not to stare, especially when images of last night kept flashing through her mind like a torturous slideshow of pleasure. Looking at him now, it was hard to believe this was the same male who’d taken her to his bed—so rigid, controlled, and disciplined. She missed the passionate, reckless version of her warrior. And after this morning, she feared it was a side of him she’d never see again.

Making no attempt to look away, she turned in her seat, resting her back against the door to settle in for a more comfortable gaze. She propped her elbow on the door and rested her cheek in the palm of her hand. “You hardly ever talk about yourself. There’s a lot I’d like to know about you.”

“Like what?” he asked conversationally.

She lifted her shoulder in a nonchalant shrug and said, “Oh, I don’t know… Like, exactly how old are you?”

Liam’s brow shot up as he cast a questioning glance at her, an amused grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “How old do you think I am?”

“Old. Hard to say for sure, but I’m guessing at least Jurassic Parkish.”

He chuckled. The change in his demeanor was encouraging. Everything weighing in on them right now was life or death serious, and she desperately needed the distraction. They still had a long way to go, and she didn’t want to spend the trip fretting about what tomorrow was going to bring.

“If you added a few more millennia to that, you might be getting a bit closer.”

Holy crap!
“Jeez, it’s a miracle you didn’t break a hip last night,” she teased, cocking her brow flirtatiously. He laughed, and it felt good to join him. “But for real, it really is amazing. You don’t look a day over twenty-five. Were you ever…younger? Were you ever a child?”

“No. I was created, not born. I’ve always been at this physical development.”

“Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to be a child?—to run and play and do things kids do?”

He shrugged. “Not really, and
we
played—when you were younger.”

“What? We did? I don’t remember that.”

“Well, you were pretty little, about three or four, I guess. You had this tiara you wore all the time, and a pink lacy princess dress. You had big dangling clip-on earrings and these clear plastic Cinderella slippers—”

Olivia started laughing. “You’re joking, right?”

When he glanced over at her, the love she saw reflected in his eyes took her breath away. There was nothing wanton or heated in his gaze. It was just total, selfless adoration. “You were adorable, Olivia, and I loved you the first moment I laid eyes on you. You were innocent and precious, and everything that was right in this world. All I ever wanted to do was protect you.”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Without a doubt, that was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her. Talking to him like this gave her a glimpse at the depth and complexity of his feelings for her that somehow, over the years, had evolved into a relationship of adult bonds and physical attraction.

She was starting to see how impossible this situation truly was for him. As her guardian, he was bonded to her in a way no physical relationship could touch, and to lose her in that way would be devastating for him. He was only supposed to love her, he wasn’t supposed to be in love with her, and therein lay the problem. He could never have her without losing her.

When he glanced back at her, his brows were pulled tight into a concerned scowl. “Why are you sad? Would you prefer we not discuss this? We could talk about something else.”

“No! I want to, and I’m not sad. I just feel bad. You’ve sacrificed so much for me, and… How
did
you become my guardian? Was it something you volunteered for?”

He shook his head. “I didn’t volunteer, I was commissioned. During the Great Fall, I was fatally wounded. I took a sword in my side—”

She immediately knew the scar he must be referring to. It was the only one on his heavily muscled body that looked large and severe enough to have ever been fatal.

“Somehow my efforts during that battle caught the notice of an elder in the High Court, and after I’d healed, from time to time, I did sanctioned jobs for them.”

 “So, you were like their golden boy?”

He laughed. “Golden boy? No. More like their mercenary.” He hesitated a moment, and she got the feeling he was deciding exactly what, and how much, he should tell her about his past. “I was not always your guardian. When you were born, you had a real guardian assigned to your care.”

Now
that
was not what she’d expected him to say. She’d assumed that Liam had always been with her and the thought that he hadn’t, left her a bit uneasy. “What happened?”

“He died.”

She gasped in surprise, her hand flying up to her mouth. “Because of me?”

“Because of the demon that killed him. None of this is your fault, Olivia.”

“How did he die?” It felt horrible to know that someone who cared for her had died for her and she never even knew his name.

“I don’t know. I didn’t know him. You were almost three when it happened—when Saphat, an elder of the High Court, came to me and asked me to take over your guardianship. Because you were sighted, the Dark Court hunted you, even at a young age, and it alarmed the High Court how quickly they passed their defenses. It was an unprecedented union, a Ronnin warrior serving as a mortal’s guardian.”

“Why was this such a big deal?”

“Because we were never created for human interaction. I’m not immune to your life force like a true guardian would be.”

“What does that mean?”

“It’s what prevents guardians from becoming attracted to their mortals and forming—” He cleared his throat, “attachments to them.”

She’d wondered if her “bond” with Liam was a common problem. It didn’t sound like it was, and now she knew why. “Do you ever…regret agreeing to be my guardian?”

Liam did that hand through the hair thing he always did whenever he was either frustrated or stalling. “Sometimes, I think that it would have probably been better for
you
if I had refused. But selfishly, no. If I had it to do all over again, I would still become your guardian. Honestly, I can’t imagine an existence where I wasn’t connected to you. You’re with me constantly. I always feel you—whether you’re happy, sad, angry, or afraid. I have a constant awareness of you, and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.”

“If you used to come and play with me when I was a child, then why did you stop and start blocking my sight?”

He hesitated before answering as if maybe searching for the right words. “I had to. There really wasn’t much of a choice. You wouldn’t play with other children because you wanted me, and it didn’t take very long before you figured out that you couldn’t see me when they were around so you started avoiding kids your own age. It wasn’t healthy for you, and your parents were starting to get worried, especially when you were getting beyond the age of imaginary friends and you kept insisting that you had your very own
Prince Charming
who would someday take you away to live in a castle happily ever after.”

He reached over and took her hand, threading his fingers between hers, and gave an affectionate squeeze. “And I was probably a tad over-indulgent. You were so adorable back then. You really had me wrapped around your little finger.”

Olivia laughed, returning the squeeze with more vigor. “Hey, what do you mean ‘back then’? I’m not adorable now?”

His gaze lit on her, and she knew that darkening in those violet eyes, if left unchecked, would usher in the sapphire storm that heated her blood. His voice dropped to a husky rasp that made her pulse quicken. “Now, you are the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Mercy… If he kept looking at her like this, she’d lay siege to his self-control, abandon all pride and self-respect, and throw herself at him. Trying to focus on their conversation and forget the feeling of his hands on her bare flesh, or the taste of his lips, she wracked her brain for a memory of him when she was a child. Surely she could come up with something—anything—nothing…
Dammit!

“Why can’t I remember you? I swear I remember everything from my childhood, except you.”

The brewing storm in his eyes receded to be replaced with a look of guilt, and possibly regret, which made no sense to her whatsoever. “What aren’t you telling me, Liam?”

Exhaling, he replied, “The reason you can’t remember me, Olivia, is because I took your memories.”

What!
“What?”
Can he do that?
“Can you do that?”

He nodded. His amber eyes locked on her, and her breath caught in her throat. “Yes.”

She could barely hear his whispered response over the rapid pounding of her heart. Her chest constricted, refusing to expand and draw in a desperately needed breath. The idea that she had a childhood worth of memories, memories of
him
, that were just…gone, left her feeling heartbroken and…violated. How could he do this to her? They were
her
memories, dammit.

“Stop the car.” She struggled to keep her voice calm and controlled, fighting back the wave of emotions she didn’t want him privy to, and suddenly feeling completely vulnerable. Man, she wished like hell she had an off switch that could block
him
for once.

He sighed. “Olivia—”

She jerked her hand from his grasp. “No! Now, stop the car!” There wasn’t enough air in here. Not enough room. She needed to get out, to move, to have just a few damn minutes to herself to process the fact that the one person she trusted most in this entire world had stolen a childhood’s worth of memories from her.

“You’re upset—”

No shit!
Softly, in a controlled, calculated response, she replied, “If you do not stop this car right now and let me get some air, I’m going to jump out.” A bit overdramatic, yes, but she wasn’t exactly feeling rational at the moment.

With a hissed curse, Liam jerked the wheel bringing the car to a gravel-sliding halt along the shoulder of the road. She didn’t even wait for him to shift the car into park before jumping out and marching into the ditch. She needed air, she needed room, and she needed a moment to herself to process the fact that her “angel” had mind-fucked her twenty years ago.

And what’s worse, who was to say he wouldn’t do it again? It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it. Hell…he’d already done it once, why not twice? All it would take was for him to decide she was better off not remembering him and bam…sayonara, memories. And there wasn’t a damn thing she could do to stop him, either. She hadn’t been able to the first time, and she certainly wouldn’t be able to now.

Compounding her anger and betrayal, panic gripped her at the thought of forgetting him. Air couldn’t come into her lungs fast enough, and her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest. She waded through the knee-high grass, into the serenade of crickets and bullfrogs, having no idea where she was going other than away from him. How could he do this to her?

“Olivia!”

She didn’t stop when he called after her. He cursed—a livid snarl that gave her pause, but she refused to look back, stomping into the night that, with any luck, would soon swallow her up. Now beyond the beam of the Camaro’s halogens, she couldn’t see where she was walking and didn’t really care—not until her toe snagged a fallen branch and she pitched forward, face-planting into a wall of hard-muscled male that smelled suspiciously of rich, heady spice.

Strong hands caught her arms and none too gently jerked her upright. Her feet temporarily left the ground and then reconnected solidly as Liam set her right again.
Dammit! Damn him! Why couldn’t he just let her fall? Because he loves you…

“Olivia, I don’t want there to be secrets between us. But you’re going to make me rethink this whole honesty thing if you act like this every time I tell you something you don’t want to hear.”

She could faintly make out the amethyst hue of his irises, and knew his patience was wearing thin. “I want them back, Liam. Can you do that? Can you give me my memories back?”

“I won’t apologize for what I did. And if you knew what you’d be remembering, I’m not so sure you’d want them back.”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I want them back?”

“Because you almost died, Olivia! Do you really want to remember that? I can’t be selective in which memories you get back. It’s all or none, and I highly recommend none. Do you want to remember that car hitting you, or the weeks you spent in recovery? Do you want to remember your guardian giving his life for yours? Dammit! Don’t ask me questions anymore if you’re just going to get mad at the answers.”

“How can I trust you?” she yelled. “How do I know you won’t do this to me again, and one morning I’ll wake up and have no idea you even exist?”

“How do I know you won’t ask me to?” he countered. “Just like you did before!”

She froze, momentarily speechless. Standing there in the darkness, looking up at him, she could see the outline of his tightly clenched jaw, lit by the radiant hue of his eyes. He was pissed, and it took her a few painfully slow seconds to comprehend what exactly he was saying to her.

As if she were daft, he said, “Come on, Olivia, how many times do we have to go through this? I can’t violate your free will, and don’t you think a mind scrub falls a bit within that realm? Do you honestly think I
wanted
to erase myself from your life? I did it because it was the only way I could ease your pain—the constant nightmares—and because
you
asked me to!”