Short Stories To Tickle Your Funnybone (6 page)

Throughout our fine building
He’s been known to roam.
All that we ask is
Keep your chitlins at home!

Then there’s the Professor
Our venerable sage.
He gets around pretty good
For a man of his age.

With a good constitution
And a strong, healthy heart
He’s in pretty good shape
For such an old fart!

Here’s to Maggie and Walt
Our newly wed pair.
They’ve built their new nest
Up here in the air.

We all wish them well
In their life that’s ahead.
And may they be happy
Especially in bed!

As I look around
At my friends that are here.
I know in my heart
They’re the presents most dear.

And my Christmas prayer
And I know that it’s right.
Is Merry Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight!

Everyone sat in silence.

The guy could be so goofy one minute and
so lovable the next.
**********************************
An excerpt from
Lady Justice and the Vigilante
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-thevigilante_362.html

The Bachelor Party

On the night of the party, I headed over to
Ox’s apartment to pick him up. It wasn’t my idea.
I told Maggie that Ox was a grown man and could
find his way to the Union Hall all by himself, but
she insisted. She said that as best man, it was my
duty. So off I went.

We
arrived
at the
Hall
right at seven
o’clock.
Dad and Bernice had been in charge of the
decorations and when we walked in the door, I
thought I had been whisked back in time fifty
years to my senior prom.
Helium balloons graced every table and
crepe paper was strung from anything that was
fastened down.
There was one of those goofy things that
fold out and make a noise when you blow into
them, and little bags of confetti at every chair.
I didn’t know who was going to be
responsible for clean up after the shindig was over.
I just hoped that it wasn’t me.
Maggie was in charge of the food. At this
late date during the holiday, she couldn’t find
someone to cater the event, so she opted for one of
those ‘covered dish’ deals.
She had made a run to Kentucky Fried
Chicken for buckets of wings. Guests were to
bring a favorite dish of their own.
We had warned Willie to leavehis chitlins’
at home.
The buffet table was loaded with salads,
desserts and casseroles of every
description.
Someone had even brought brightly colored Jell-o
cubes in various shades and flavors.
The Professor had been drafted to be the
emcee for the evening, and at the appointed hour,
he called the gathering to order and welcomed
everyone.
After a word of blessing from Pastor Bob,
everyone made a dash to the buffet line.
The wedding party was first in line.
I marveled at the food heaped on Ox’s
plate. He’s a big dude with an appetite to match.
Being the first in line, we were the first
ones finished.
I
was
stuffed, but Ox
went back
for
seconds and then thirds of the BBQ wings and
little Jell-o cubes.
“I didn’t know you were such a Jell-o fan,”
I observed.
“Me neither,” he said with a goofy grin.
“but this stuff is REALLY good. Never had this
flavor before.”
Dad leaned over and whispered with a
smile, “That’s not just Jell-o --that’s SUPER Jell-
o. Made it myself.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jell-o shots. You make them with vodka
instead of water. They pack a mean punch.”
I looked back at Ox as he was stuffing
another big green blob in his mouth. He gave me
another goofy grin.
I had never seen Ox loopy before. He was
obviously going to be a silly drunk.
When everyone
had polished off
their
dessert, Jerry took the podium.
He had volunteered to be in charge of
entertainment and that could mean anything.
Naturally, being a stand-up comic, he had
to begin with a whole succession of marriage
jokes.
After
a
few zingers and one-liners, he
handed Ox a little bag.
“Here buddy, this is for you. Keep it as a
reminder of a very important principle in married
life.”
Ox pulled a pair of lace panties out of the
bag.
“Two newly weds were on their
honeymoon,” Jerry began. “As they undress for
bed, the husband tosses his pants to his bride and
says, ‘Here, put these on.’ She puts them on, but
the waist is twice the size of her body. ‘I can’t
wear your pants,’ she says. ‘That’s right, you
can’t, and don’t you ever forget it. I wear the pants
in this family!’ The bride grabbed her panties and
threw them at the groom. ‘Here, try these on.’ The
husband tried but found that only one leg would
fit. ‘Hell’, he says, ‘I can’t get into your panties.’
‘That’s right,’ his bride replied, ‘and if you don’t
change your attitude, you never will!’”
The crowd roared.
I had heard the old joke a hundred times,
but knowing Ox and Judy, it was the perfect fit.
Jerry forged ahead, “Another thing. You
have to be really careful what you say. I heard
about a
guy
who told his wife
that black
underwear turned him on and she didn’t wash his
shorts for a month.”
Jerry was on a roll.
“Every married couple have a special story
and Ox and Judy are no exception. In fact, I’ve
written a little ditty about a special evening in their
lives.”
I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I
had a pretty good idea.
Last Christmas, Jerry had drawn my name
in our ‘Goofy Santa’ gift exchange. He had
proudly given me a ‘fart machine’. It was a little
box that emitted really gross sounds and could be
activated remotely by pushing a button. Maggie
forbade me to use the thing, so I put it in my sock
drawer right beside my nose hair clipper and lint
brush.
Before the party, Jerry had asked if he
could borrow it.
Jerry
solemnly
read
from
a
spiral
notebook.

“Tis the season to be jolly
Lots of mistletoe and holly
Christmas tales we love to hear
Are shared in families year to year.

Tonight, I’ll share another tale
That will make the others pale.
It’s a story that will warm your heart
The story of the old mare’s fart.”

Ox grabbed me by the arm, “You didn’t!
Tell me you didn’t!”
“I did,” I said sheepishly. “It was just too
precious not to share.”
Ox buried his head in his hands, “Good
Lord!”
“It started in a lovely carriage
Where Ox’s thoughts had turned to
marriage.
So carefully he made his plan
This clever, marriage-minded man.

The setting he had planned with care

The lights, the fountain and the old gray
mare.
When the time was right, he pledged his
heart
Just as the horse decided to fart.”

Jerry
must
have
pressed
the
button,
because a loud, ‘PLTTTTTT’ reverberated
through the room.

Everyone
cheered except poor Ox
who
slunk farther down in his chair.

“In the stillness of that mo
ment sweet
An odor did their noses greet.
The lady longed to say, ‘I do’
But all that she could smell was poo.”

Judy had tried to hold it in, but finally gave
up and cackled with the rest of the crowd.

“When at last the breeze had cleared the air
‘I do’ came from the lady fair.
‘The moral’, said the lucky guy
‘Is best laid plans can go awry’.

“But if true love fills their beating hearts
It will overcome an old mare’s farts!”

Everyone in the audience was on their feet
clapping and laughing.
When order was restored, Jerry said, “Ox,
you’re a good sport and we all love you. That’s
why we chipped in and got you this special gift.”
Jerry pointed to Dad and he flipped the
switch on a boom box.
The raunchy notes of David Rose’s,
The
Stripper
, filled the room.
The door swung open and a tall brunette in
a tight red dress and those black lace stockings
with the seam up the back strolled seductively into
the room.
“Oh, crap!” I said. “I thought I told you --no girls!”
Dad looked over and smiled,“You did,
sonny, and we listened. That ain’t no girl. That’s
Bruce!”
I looked closer, and sure enough, it was a
Bruce --a damn good looking Bruce!”
As the music blasted, he wiggled his way
through the crowd and headed straight for Ox.
He pushed the table back and when he
raised his skirt, it was obvious that he had a goodsized package under those pantyhose.
Ox turned three shades of red and Judy
laughed hysterically as Bruce straddled Ox’s lap
and gyrated his junk inches from the big guy’s
face.
Mercifully, the song came to an end.
Bruce planted a big kiss on Ox’s forehead,
waved to the crowd and disappeared into the night.
That pretty much wrapped things up for the
evening, but I noticed that right after Bruce’s
departure, Ox made another trip to the Jell-o shots.
Most of the crowd had left except Willie,
who had volunteered for the massive clean-up
detail.
Ox was a bit unsteady on his feet, so it was
probably a good thing that I was driving him
home.
He was in pretty decent shape by the time
we arrived at his apartment, but I walked him in,
just in case.
As I was headed back out to my car, I
reflected on what a lovely evening it had been.
Good fun --- good food --- good friends.
Who could ask for more?

****************************************
An excerpt from
Lady Justice and the Book Club
Murders
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-the-bookclub-murders_370.html

New Medical Breakthrough

FACT:
More people are getting
medical
treatment, taking
more drugs, having more diagnostic tests and having
more surgeries than ever before in history, yet more
people are getting sick than ever before.

FACT:
There are over
200,000 nonprescription drugs and
30,000 prescription drugs on the market and doctors
write over three billion prescriptions each year.

FACT:
People who laugh actually live longer than those who
don't laugh. (Dr. James A. Walsh.)
Laughter research has shown that humor and especially
laughter can help keep our bodies strong and disease
resistant.

FACT:
Laughter has been shown to relax muscles, increase
oxygen flow, promote circulation, and reduce tension
as well as lower blood pressure, ease stress and boost
your immune system. (Dr. Michael Cutler)

FACT:
Spending
an
hour with a
close
friend
is as
effective
as taking
a
pain reliever in treating
headaches. (Willie T. Ong, MD)

The
answer
to
this
medical
dilemma
is
now
available
to
everyone!

Three
years ago, Robert Thornhill began his
research on the first novel in his Lady Justice
mystery/comedy series.

After months of research and field study across the
country involving thousands of patients (readers),
the eleven volume Lady Justice series has been
approved
by
the
FDA
(Fun-loving
Doctors
Association) and
is available for
world-wide
distribution.

(Note) This is the only series endorsed by the
AMA (American Mystery/Comedy Association)
DOSAGE
This new medical breakthrough is administered in
eleven doses:

Lady
Justice
Action
Patrol
bowel movements. It is an acronym for
City
Retiree Action Patrol
)
Lady Justice and the Lost Tapes
Lady Justice Gets Lei’d
Lady Justice and the Avenging Angels
Lady Justice and the Sting
Lady Justice and Dr. Death
Lady Justice and the Vigilante
Lady Justice and the Watchers
Lady Justice and the Candidate
Lady Justice and the Book Club Murders
Lady Justice and the Cruise Ship Murders
Takes a C.R.A.P. City
Retiree
*
This has nothing to do with

OUR GUARANTEE
When
taken
as
directed,
we
guarantee
the
following results:

 

1. You will smile, giggle, chuckle, snort and
possibly break into uncontrollable laughter.

2. You will love the characters who will capture
your heart and become your personal friends
with whom you may spend many wonderful
hours.

3. You will have a positive attitude that all is
right with the world --- that common folks can
be heroes and that life doesn't end at age sixtyfive.

WARNING!
POSSIBLE DANGEROUS SIDE
EFFECTS!

Extreme caution should be used when drinking
beverages or if your bladder is full, since reading a
Lady
Justice
novel
may
cause
spontaneous
outbreaks of uncontrollable laughter that
may
cause liquids to squirt from bodily orifices.

Lady Justice novels may cause insomnia. Never
start a Lady Justice novel just before going to bed.
You won't be able to put it down.

Be cautious of reading a Lady Justice novel in a
public
place. Your outbreaks of giggles and
guffaws may disturb those around you.

TESTIMONIALS

"This book marks the first time a mystery story
has made me laugh out loud. I laughed until tears
were running, and my sides ached! I laughed so
hard that my husband came to see if I was OK."
Beverly B. Independence, Mo.

"An excellent book. It is hilarious with numerous
'one-liners' that made me laugh aloud and brought
tears to my eyes in laughter." Dan, La Porte,
Indiana.

"This book is laugh-out-loud funny, on par with
today's most popular writers." Marilyn D. Santa
Clara, California.

"Very funny and fast-paced. Exactly how I love a
mystery. I actually got choked up I laughed so
hard yesterday." Rose, Rockton, Illinois.

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