Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (15 page)

Then stand and move very slowly and deliberately toward each other, maintaining eye contact. From here you can slowly come into an embrace, kiss if you wish, then lie down together. You can also take some time to communicate to each other what you feel in your body and your heart.

Sharing your internal now experience (like a brief weather report) will help to amplify the inner experience. The acknowledgment or the recognition of what is—what exists in the present—is rewarded by the sensations expanding delightfully through the body. Speaking aloud about inner sensations also lets each one know what the other is feeling, so no guesswork is needed. This is very relaxing and supportive. Any kind of preparation that gets you more involved and engaged with the body and its sensitivity will be a tremendous support for experiencing sex in its elevated form.

9

THE SEXUAL POWER OF THE STORY

E
ach individual, regardless of who we are or where we were born, has two basic stories with sex, simply by virtue of having arrived in human bodily form. There is the personal story and the human story. The personal sex story very often contains many stories, and some of them may be not so pleasing or worthy of remembering. This is not because of sex itself, but because the how of sex is based on an absence of true bodily respect, understanding, appreciation, and insight.

THE HUMAN STORY IS A SEX STORY

On the human level, the story is that sex is the most basic expression of our bodies. It is determined by our DNA and the biological programming that is set for continuation of the species, as is true for all living species on Earth. At its most superficial level, life is focused on procreation and nourishment.

From day one we live in a human body and are all similar, not at all individual. The bodies and psychologies do get influenced in many ways by different experiences and exposures, but in our essence we are all one and the same. This similarity means we have to embrace the sexual story endowed by our Creator and lying inherent in the body.

The story of the body is our three-dimensional human story and the urgent need to follow our inner electromagnetic design, so that humans can experience an evolved style of sex. Slow sex, and that means sex that has awareness as its base, represents an evolutionary step for us. There is no need to elaborate on the sexual distress and malaise present in our culture. The evidence is all around us as we witness a massive escalation in abuse and pornography, plus a sharp rise in the rate of divorces and separations based primarily on some sexual reason: boredom (and finding someone new and exciting), lack of interest in sex (woman’s body closes down when her body is entered too fast), lack of fulfillment (because energy is repeatedly discharged), and so on.

Each of us, whether we know it or not, like it or not, is in an intimate, lifelong relationship with sex. Sex is a relationship that really cannot be avoided because we are genetically programmed for it. Our bodies (with amazing speed) become sexually mature in order to reproduce the species. Fortunately, if we don’t have sex we don’t die, but all the same, most individuals will have an ongoing relationship with sex in some form or another, whether they want it so or not. Sexual energy can be diverted and the force of it repressed, but there are significant negative consequences to repressing nature. We cannot really choose whether or not we are sexual beings, but we are definitely in a position to choose when and how we act on it.

THE PERSONAL SEX STORY

The human story all too quickly becomes a personal story, especially with the prevailing lack of insight and information about sex. Millions of people suffer as a result of negative sexual experiences. Countless lives are traumatized as a direct result of an absence of respect for innocent human beings that leads to sexual abuse and the overstepping of personal boundaries. Abuse takes place because a sexually repressed individual is controlled by sexually demanding urges (and fantasies), desires that harm others when acted upon.

Sex can be the source of tremendous personal pain, guilt, and confusion, as well as a source of attraction and great pleasure. It is indeed, then, a blessing from the Divine that slow, sensitive sex has powerful healing and balancing effects. Deep pain and confusion exists on the collective level, too, so culturally sex continues to be shrouded in a veil of darkness and secrecy that separates us from the deeper reality (and need) of the human body. We have almost no meaningful or creative insights into the true function of sex. Tremendously high levels of frustration, suffering, distress, anger, and even rage exist as a result of “unholy” sex, even if we do not necessarily recognize the connection between these emotional consequences and sex, or the lack of it.

As far as sex goes, humans are more or less on a starvation diet. Insufficient sex, as well as the briefness of most sexual interactions, leaves us undernourished on profound metabolic levels. Our quality of life is dramatically affected and reduced to the minimum. When the sexual energy is flowing (within oneself or between two people), then creativity flourishes and love ignites and spreads. Sex “rightly” used is known to boost the immune system, stimulate creativity and intelligence, and increase happiness throughout adult life. In the current state of affairs, sex comes to a standstill and many people abandon sex when they get older.

Many people take sex to extremes of sensation and stimulation (and insensitivity to themselves) while endlessly seeking “satisfaction.” Pornography and visual stimulation is at an all-time high. Exploitation of children is tragically acute and on the increase. For many, masturbation, fantasy, and virtual sex are becoming more of a reality than real-time sex. Many men need pharmaceuticals, such as Viagra, to give them potency because they have lost innate sensitivity. Most men cannot control their ejaculation and many women struggle to have a climax.

SLOW SEX, A STEP IN HUMAN EVOLUTION

As humans we are caught, without intention but by an unconscious conditioning, in the reproductive, biological, and extroverted phase of sex—brief and hot. Is this truly all that it is meant to be for us? What is our actual potential and our deeper story with sex? Slow sex enables us to step into the generative, creative, uplifting aspect of sex in which the feminine and inner workings of the body are honored and embraced. It becomes essential to our health, well-being, and sustainability at the deepest level of reality.

Couples who have done our “Making Love” retreat often return two, three, and even more times to repeat the week-long experience so as to deepen their inner exploration. The human sexual story is an unfolding; it’s not something that can be fully grasped all in one shot. You have to live sex and transform its expression step by step. What usually happens is that people will begin to change and transform themselves, through the very practice itself. The whole process of transforming the sexual energy into a spiritual sacred expression is the process of becoming a witness and observer of your experience. As you go along you will begin to understand more, see more, have insights and revelations, and one by one the pieces of the jigsaw will fall into place and you’ll find yourself standing in a totally different world. All the same elements will be there, but the constellation will have changed dramatically. There will have been a revolution in the way you see your personal sexual story, realizing it has become a human story that brings you back home to yourself, and returns you to your electromagnetic place in the universe.

10

YOUR PERSONAL SLOW SEX PRACTICE

S
low sex is a journey in which today counts, and each and every day counts. It’s a slow journey that can extend over many years and into old age. Or so it is happening for me, and I can definitely say that I did not plan for it to be this way. Very slowly, one thing has led to another through curiosity and practice.

Practice brings about change and transformation much more effectively than just thinking about doing something.

Below, slow sex is defined as an actual practice. I have synthesized information from the previous chapters (and cross-referenced it) to explain how to get started in your own personal practice. You can change the guidelines at any time. Feel free to trust your intuition and improvise!

The vital thing is to take it slow, without having great expectations or waiting for a grand display of inner fireworks. Expectations stand in our way of perceiving what actually is; they make us consider what is
not
happening, rather than what
is
happening. Changes are likely to be subtle and gradual, but not necessarily. Great changes can also accompany one single vital insight gained while practicing slow sex. In general, it is a bit like going back to the beginning, being prepared to be an infant again, feeling wobbly and finding a way to walk on two legs, not knowing what’s coming next.

The Benefits of a Slow Sex Practice

There are many positive outcomes to the practice of slow sex.

• First and foremost, you become more loving as a human being. Within you lies a deep sense of contentment, of having arrived home, and of self-love. Through the inner connection to yourself the intimacy with the other is deepened.
  
• There is more harmony and understanding within the relationship, less fighting and controversy between egos, and therefore, fewer emotional ups and downs that disturb love.
  
• Life seems lighter and much brighter. The sense of well-being deepens. Joy and enjoyment accompany each day.
  
• Embracing sex in a conscious, slow way is truly transforming and gives rise to deep insights, inspiration, and creativity. When sexual (life) energy is in nature’s flow, living gets easier, the outlook is optimistic and positive.
  
• Reducing the pressure and tension in sex (especially the habit of forcing the body to a climax) boosts the immune system and enhances general health, an effect that becomes more apparent over time.
  
• The love and awareness generated between two people overflows onto their children and their life as a family unit. The rapport improves and children become more easygoing and self-contained. This relaxation happens because they can sense immediately (and they definitely can, from their earliest moments on Earth) the reassuring fragrance of love in the air.
  
• Essentially, when a couple decides to be more conscious and slow in sex they are doing peace work at home, and what they create radiates outward into the world, not only to the immediate family, but also to all those with whom they associate. A couple has the innate power to become tremendous generators of spiritual and positive loving energy in their community.
  

WHAT KIND OF PRACTICE IS SLOW SEX?

Slow sex can best be described and approached as a loving spiritual practice in which awareness rests in the body and the genitals. We gradually discover how to be present in sex, rather than actively doing sex.

When we have sex with sensitivity and slowness, sex transforms itself into a spiritual practice that creates love and deepens the experience of the present moment.

Any spiritual practice needs to be given time and space in order to feel the benefits. At the same time, even after the first few times you try a more conscious sexual approach, you are quite likely to feel some fulfilling “results,” and often in unexpected ways. You may suddenly notice you feel more connected to your partner, more in love (with your partner and yourself), or you feel uplifted and joyful, open, relaxed, and more alive to your senses.

In slow sex practice the attention is rooted in the body generally, and especially in the genital connection—the penis and vagina. Slow sex makes it possible for them to develop their very own language, to exchange energy according to their intrinsic dynamic and receptive qualities. It’s a practice that takes time to get the hang of and master, as with any other spiritual practice, or most practices in general. Just as when mastering a musical instrument or a sport, practice and repetition in slow sex lay the foundation for more sustaining and fulfilling experiences.

In certain practices there may be ideals or goals of perfection to be reached, but in slow sex, there are no goals. We immerse ourselves in our bodies and become involved with the unfolding present moment. We see what our bodies want to do, and we watch how they respond intuitively with their own sensual language. We do not interfere and come between the bodies with our minds and preconceived ideas.

At the end of the day, it is ultimately the capacity to turn
inward
that plants in us the roots of our blissful experiences. Bliss and ecstasy do not arrive on demand, but will arise when we give up all mental goals or expectations and relax into a profound acceptance of the body and its inner polarity design. Using the body as a stepping-stone, we can experience the timelessness of the present moment, in which all boundaries evaporate and everything rests in pure peace and harmony.