Something in Between (24 page)

He's just staring at me, but I'm not done.

“And what about me, huh? I'm just some booty call you can pick up with when it suits you! I'm your last priority, but what does it matter, right? I'm just some illegal! Isn't that what you called me?”

He's gray and quiet now, and everything is awful. I can feel it. It's ruined. Something beautiful is ruined between us.

He's tired—I can see that now—so tired, and I'm exhausted too.

“If you really think I'm that kind of person, then maybe we should break up,” he says finally, without any emotion at all.

My eyes are clear and so are his. Neither of us is crying. There's nothing to cry about here. It's just the end, and I've been waiting for it since we started anyway.

“Yeah, maybe you're right,” I tell him. “Maybe we should.”

30

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

—ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPÉRY,
WIND, SAND AND STARS

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY
and I don't have a valentine. Instead, I'm leaning back with a gigantic bucket of popcorn on my lap, waiting for the movie to start. I haven't seen Royce since our fight at the playground the other week. I'm still not sure who broke up with whom. Is it my fault? Or his? All I have are questions and no answers. It's not
officially
officially over. Is it? How could it be over? I can't bring myself to check if he's changed his Facebook status. I still have all these feelings for him, and every time I look at my phone, I expect to see a text from him.

I can't figure out if I'm heartbroken, because I'm just numb. I also know I wasn't completely innocent here. I have to live with that. I insulted him, I insulted his family. I said all those awful things. I'd believed they were the ones looking down on me, but it turns out I was the one who was looking down on them. How did we let it get so out of control? I keep replaying the argument in my head.

Why was I so angry? He'd been MIA, sure, but he'd come all the way out to see me. Why couldn't I have just let it be? Why did I have to know what was bothering him and where he was? Why am I such a control freak? Why did I level those horrible accusations?

I don't believe any of that about him, of course I don't. I just wanted to hurt him. I hate myself right now, and I miss him. I miss him so badly I can't taste anything.

Mom and Dad are worried about me, but I haven't told them we broke up. Royce hadn't been coming around a lot before this happened anyway, so it's just status quo.

Now I'm sitting next to Lo in a dark theater. Julian is away on tour with his band, so she doesn't have a date either. I've given up on Kayla. Everything hurts.

“I think you're really going to like this movie,” Lo says, leaning over so I can hear her. I try to smile.

While waiting in line for the popcorn, Lo and I talked about her plans for next year. She's going to do a gap year and travel, though she hasn't decided where yet. Maybe Bali or Thailand. Or the Philippines. It's funny. Lo wants to go on a crazy adventure to the exact place that I don't want to go. Don't get me wrong. The Philippines is an amazingly beautiful country, but I'd rather stay here with my family.

I let Lo pick the movie. It's some dumb stoner comedy that I don't really like that much. There are a few funny parts that I halfheartedly laugh at, but all I can think about is Royce, and how much I hurt him. I say the nastiest things when I'm angry, but I never mean them. I wish I could take it back.

Lo gets the sense that I don't really like the movie and leans over to whisper in my ear. “Want to movie hop? This one is kind of a flop.”

I shake my head. “I'm not feeling very good. I think I might need to go home. I'm sorry, Lo.”

“That's okay,” she says. “I'll walk you out.”

I set the popcorn on the floor. I'm grateful Lo is so intuitive.

“I'm sorry I ruined your movie,” I say. “And our Galentine's Day.”

“Don't feel bad at all. That's what friends are for.” She knows Royce and I are fighting, but not that we broke up. I haven't admitted it, because telling someone would make it true.

We walk out of the theater together. The light nearly blinds me, and I have to squint to figure out where I'm walking. “You don't have to wait with me,” I say to Lo.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Let me know how the other movie is...”

“Will do. Let's do this again, Jas. I hang out with Julian so much, it's nice to have a girlfriend to do things with sometimes,” Lo says, then disappears down the hallway to catch another flick.

I text my dad to pick me up. He writes back that he's already on the way.

That's when I look up and see Kayla come out of the bathroom. She's wearing a flowing, silky top, short white miniskirt, and chunky heels. She's obviously on a hot V-Day date.

I don't move. It would look stupid if I ran and hid.

It takes a couple seconds for her to see me. She seems terrified. I expect her to run off, but she takes a deep breath and continues walking toward me.

I don't smile. I don't run. I don't walk away.

She stops in front of me. “Hey, Jas.”

“Hey.”

“Listen, I know you're mad at me.”

“Am I?” I don't think I'm so much mad as just exhausted.

“Probably. I haven't been a good friend lately,” she says. And that's when I see him coming down the bathroom stairs. Kayla sees my face and instantly goes silent. It's Royce, on the stairwell. I'd recognize his dark hair anywhere. Oh God. I can't breathe. How can this be happening? This is a nightmare.

Wait! What?

It's not Royce.

It's his brother, Mason.
Mason?
What's he doing here?

Then I put it all together. She's
with
Mason. I have no idea when or how, but somehow Mason and Kayla have hooked up. Somehow she's fallen for my boyfriend's brother and dumped Dylan in the meantime. I don't know whether to be angry or confused.

Was this the “family issue” Royce was talking about? But what did I care if his brother was dating my best friend? Why couldn't he tell me? Why did it have to be so hush-hush?

Mason walks up, slick and smarmy. How can such a nice guy like Royce have such a slimy brother? How can they have come from the same parents?

“Isn't this a surprise?” Mason asks, putting his arm around Kayla. I have to try really hard to keep myself from audibly groaning. “What's up, National Scholar? Did you see anything good?”

What does Kayla see in him? I don't get it. Dylan's a prince compared to Mason.

“Haven't seen you around lately,” he continues, looking me up and down. “You and Royce still an item? Or did you finally kick my stupid little brother to the curb?”

“He's not stupid!” What an awful thing to say about Royce being dyslexic, as if Royce wasn't so sensitive about it already.

“Only because he has more tutors than God,” Mason laughs. “Poor Royce, trying to keep up with his little honor student. I hope you don't use very big words.” Mason grins. His teeth are perfectly straight and
too
white. It's like he left his teeth whitener on for too long. “That's okay. I told him a girl like you would get bored of a guy like him soon enough.”

Something he says stirs a memory in me.

That night in the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton in D.C., when I first met Mason, he'd been slimy, sure, but he'd been charming too. He was flirting with me, I realize now. Trying to put his little brother down in front of me. I'd thought he was insulting me, but it wasn't me he was belittling. What had he said then?

My little brother doesn't usually go after the smart girls. Hey, if you get bored of him, give me a call, will you?

Mason hadn't been joking when he said that. He was trying to horn in, trying to pick me up, right in front of his brother, just to show Royce he could.

I thought Mason didn't like me because I wasn't good enough for Royce, but there's something else going on here. Something gross.

I feel sick to my stomach, and I want to find Royce as soon as possible and make everything right between us again.

Call me
, Mason mouths.
You know where I live
. Now he's flirting with me in front of Kayla. How he can be related to someone as decent as Royce, I will never understand.

“Come on, Mason. Let's go,” Kayla says. She glances back as they're walking away, but I glare at her. I can't believe she's with that loser.

As soon as they're out the door, Dad texts that he's waiting in the parking lot.

I walk to the car and get inside.

Dad turns on the ignition. “How was the movie?”

“It was fine,” I say. I'm shaking. I have to see Royce. I can't bear to be away from him for another moment. I text him.

jasmindls: I saw Mason and Kayla. Can you meet me? We need to talk. Please?

It feels like it takes forever for him to text back, but it's really only a few minutes.

royceb: Hey. Where?

I answer right away.

jasmindls: Outside my house. I'll come out to your car.

When we get home, I tell Dad that Royce is heading over and I'm going to meet him out front, because he and I need to talk. Dad knows I mean business, so he doesn't argue. He's tired anyway from getting up so early to drive buses. I can see it on his face. He's weighed down by the upcoming hearing. I don't even want to know what Daddy and Mommy are going through. When I get home, I get out and hug him, then lean against the car and wait for Royce.

* * *

When Royce arrives, he unlocks the passenger door so that I can open it. When I get inside, I notice that his hair is messy, and he looks like a little boy in his navy hoodie sweatshirt and long khaki shorts—like he's wearing a school uniform. He's sitting behind the wheel, staring out the windshield at our garage door as I climb in. I want to hold his hand, but I'm not sure if he'll let me.

“So now you know the big secret,” he says dully. “They're dating.”

“Why didn't you tell me? Is that why you haven't been around?”

He shakes his head. “No, it's not. Although, I guess that's part of it.” He keeps staring out the windshield and doesn't look at me. “I told Mason to back off, that Kayla had a boyfriend, but he never listens to me. And he likes a challenge. He got her number at the party somehow, and she started coming over. She asked me not to tell you. She said you'd hate her for not telling you first.”

“Huh.” I'm not sure I would hate Kayla, but she knows I don't like Mason. I'm sure she didn't want to hear me disapprove.

“So I didn't tell you. And I was embarrassed about Mason. I hate that I brought him to the party and into your life, that he said those things to you, that he gave those little losers the idea to jump your brother.”

I don't say anything. I look down at my raggedy fingernails, which have been bitten to the quick ever since we broke up.

“But that's not really why I haven't been around.” He takes a deep sigh. “I've been avoiding you because I've been interning for my dad since after Christmas break,” he says.

“You have? But why? I know you didn't want to. You said it would be the worst,” I say, confused.

“Yeah, that's why I couldn't face you. I knew you'd think I was weak, and I couldn't stand it if you did,” he says, a catch in his voice.

I recall what he'd said during our fight.
I'm not perfect. You always have such high expectations. It's hard to meet them sometimes.

I don't say anything; I just listen.

He continues. “I thought if I gave in and did what he wanted me to do, he would feel better about helping you when I asked him to. That it would be easier to get his support.”

“What do you mean?”

“He's a congressman, Jas, I don't think you understand how powerful he is. He really could help you. He could help your family,” Royce says intently.

“So let me get this straight—you've been avoiding me because you're interning for him, and you're interning for him because you think it might help me?”

“Yeah, that's pretty much it. I know, it sounds messed up.” He gnaws on his thumbnail. We have the same bad habits. “But also because it was easier to say yes. I was tired of fighting him. I didn't want you to think I was a coward. I'm not like you. You always go after what you want. I thought you would be ashamed of me, that I caved so easily.”

“I would
never
be ashamed of you,” I say. “I'm sorry you felt you couldn't tell me, and that you would give up your own dreams to try and help with mine. But you don't have to do that. I didn't ask you to.”

“Yeah, well.” He shrugs.

“I have something to tell you too. The deportation trial's coming up.”

He turns and looks at me directly for the first time. I liked looking at his profile, but this is much better. “It is? You never told me!” he says, his eyes flashing.

“I know. I was mad, so I kept it from you.”

“So when is it?”

I tell him. It's so soon. Too soon.

“Is it too late to get my dad involved?” he asks.

“I think so.”

He puts his head down on the steering wheel.

I reach over and tentatively put a hand on his back. Mason and Kayla and his internship for his dad aren't our real problems. I have to talk to him about what tore us apart—about what I said about his family. What I said about him.

He doesn't shake off my hand, which is a good sign. I keep it there, and put on a little more pressure, so that I'm rubbing his back, trying to console him.

“You broke up with me anyway—why do I care if you have to leave the country,” he says, his voice muffled.

“I know you care.” I know he does, because I feel the same way. I don't want to leave him. “And if we're broken up, why are you here?”

“You asked me to meet you,” he says in a matter-of-fact tone.

“And you just do whatever I ask you to do?” I say, amused.

“Pretty much.”

I laugh. It never occurred to me before that I have so much power over him, and that it was equal, if not more, than the power he holds over me.

He was just as miserable as I was. He missed me just as much. At least I had my family, my friends to fall back on. Who did Royce have? His parents are always traveling. His brother is a snake. His sister is sweet, but young. He had Maria, I guess.

Once, he had me.

He's still slumped against the steering wheel, and so I continue to rub his back. I've always liked his back. It's so broad, so manly. It's one of his nicest physical features, and he has many. “Higher,” he says. “I have an itch right there. Right between my shoulder blades.”