Spill Over (13 page)

I shrug.
It’s how things are. And the easiest way for things to be.

“I love Lynn. I love Amber. Before you even try to do anything, if that’s where you’re headed, and from the way you look at her I’m guessing it is, please remember that. Amber isn’t like Gem.
If
Gem’s
actually
the way you think she is. Okay?”

“I’m well aware that Amber’s not like Gem.” I stand up. If she was, I’d be trying to hide her sleeping form in my bed right now.

“Okay.” But Dad doesn’t look appeased, and I wonder how long he’ll leave it alone.

I lie down and stare at the beige ceiling.
Why does it all have to be so hard and complicated? Why can’t Amber just like being around me
and want to kiss once in a while
? Why can’t I know what to do to get her there?

Even as I have that thought, I wonder if that’s what wanting to be around h
er is about. Because part of me
just really likes being around her, doing homework, her head on my shoulder. At the same time, her standing
close to K
ent grates on me. I spend a lot of time s
taring at her lips and her legs wondering if I’ll ever get to touch them the way I want to.
And for the first time, part of me thinks
I
just might not be good enough for
her
.

Ten

I haul my laptop up to the coffee shop, just for some time a
lone. The rain hits the windows. I
t’s mid-afternoon
,
and the place is empty.
My hand shakes as I open my email inbox. Five hundred unread messages. My heart drops. Five hundred?
             

The most recent o
ne comes up first. It’s from Floyd
, the guy who helped manage the guests on the Today Show.

Antony
-

I’m sure if you wanted to talk to me, you’d have emailed me or called me back alrea
dy. We really want you on
. Let me know. We all miss her, and it would get big coverage. We’d highlight what she wanted to talk about while in Darfur. This is a great opportunity for our loss of her to come back around.

             
Thanks, Wil

Our loss? OUR loss? It takes all my strength not to chuck my laptop across the stupid room. He has NO idea. None. I flip the top of the laptop closed.

Dad’s walking up the street with a large smile on his face. Perfect. So much for taking
care
of business and being alone.

“There you are.” Dad brushes the rain off his coat as he steps inside.

“I have my phone.”
He could’ve
called
.
I sit back, resigned to my afternoon being nothing like I imagined.

Dad sits on the edge of the seat across from me.
“I got my quarterly check today. W
e’re going to dinner in Seattle. Sound good?”

I’m sure I should react
in some way with something positive
. “Yeah, did you have somewhere in mind
,
or can I pick?”

“Anywhere you want.” He slaps my shoulder before standing up.

“Even if you have to dress?” I raise an eyebrow and chuckle.

“Four times a year.” He laughs with me. “Or special occasions.”

Special
occasions
. When will Mom’s death stop hitting me?

“Sorry.” He shakes his head
, realizing how he probably sounded
. “Anywhere’s fine. And I usu
ally go out with Lynn and Amber. I
s that okay with you?”

I jerk upright. A night out with Amber? Suddenly my interruption isn’t feeling so awful and annoying. “Fine.”  I try to sound relaxed.

“F
ine.
”
Dad smirks. “
W
e’ll see you when you’re done.” He points to the folded computer on my table.

“See you.”

As soon as Dad steps out, I start to do s
ome research. I need to take Amber
somewhere nice, somewhere cool. S
omeplace that’ll remind me what it’s like to be in a real city.

- - -

At some point in time, I’ll need to stop staring at Amber’s legs. It only worked during dinner when we all sat together
, and her legs were buried under the table
.
Mid-thigh skirt and boots. I wonder if she has any idea how hot she is.
Her hair’s up with some random strands falling down in just the right places
,
and her snug sweater and coat show off her waist.

I feel better than I have in a long time. A real meal out, with an amazing view of Puget Sound and the city. I’m in my New York clothes, and not the jeans a t
-shirts I’ve started to live in.
A
rmani slacks and a button up. Feels
good
.

Amber and I
stand together
, leaning on the railing of the ferry that’s taking us back to Kingston fr
om the city. The night is cool. T
he breeze is frigid
,
and we’re standing close. Any other girl I’d kiss. Any other one. But she looks so peaceful and relaxed, her hands resting together in front of her, her forearms supporting her weight on the top railing. We can see the Seattle city lights behind us, and the dim flickering of Kingston ahead.

“I met
my dad for this first time
last year.”

“For the first time?”
I can’t imagine.

“Yeah.” She lets out a breath. “He’d been trying to track my mom down for years. She apparently never signed papers for them to get divorced.”

“Wow.”
Maybe this is part of why her and Da
d don’t have anything more than
a friends-with-benefits t
hing going on.

“I was on the dock and heard Mom arguing with a man on
our boat. It scared me at first.
I kne
w right away it wasn’t your dad.

“He ran
past me. Our eyes met so fast, but I knew. Mom has blue eyes, b
ut not like mine. Mine are
my dad’s.”
She remains still
, and her voice
is
quiet and calm
. Like the movement of the boat u
nder our feet is enough. I wait for her to continue.

“His eyes widened, just a little
,
and it’s like I was frozen to the spot
,
and he just walked away. He glanced back to look at me again. We both knew. He knew who I was, and he just
continued on
.”
She swallows once, hard.

I reach out to touch her, or comfort her or something, but I have no idea how to do that.
It’s weird not knowing Dad well, but at least I always knew he was out there somewhere.
“I’m sorry, I…”

“Don’t be.” She shifts her weight to look at me.
“I send him emails to his work. I know it’s him. He won’t write back.”

That’s what she was looking for the other day
, on her laptop. I’m
sure of it.
My
chest
aches for h
er. W
ho wouldn’t want to know Amber?

“
Tonight was really fun, but you still seem sad, something in your eyes.
I don’t know what you’re going through after your mom. I can’t
imagine, but I
know
what it’s like to have a
hole there.”
I barely hear her voice above the sound of the ferry engines, the wind
,
and the water.

There’s no thinking, just doing. I step forward and pull her tightly
into my arms. Holding her makes p
art of me want
to let loose and cry right here on the dam
n
boat, wrapped up in Amber, the sweet, fresh smell of her, the strength of her arms and the feelings that pull us together
.
But there’s also a calm around her, some force that makes me feel grounded. Like no matter how shitty things seem to be, they’ll get better.
I wonder if she feels that, or if it’s just how she makes
me
feel.

“
I can’t imagine someone not wanting to know you
,” I whisper.

“Hey. It’s okay.” Her smile even looks genuine
as she pulls her head off my chest
. “I’m okay.”

She chuckles
a sad sounding laugh
, and I can feel each of her movements, as if she
’s shaking some of her calm
ness
and it’s spilling into me, because I’m not ready to let her go, not yet.

“That’s what you get out of my story?”

“I don’t know.” I
shake my head
. “It’s more how you
feel
.”

Her face has the smallest, palest freckles. My hand reaches out with this s
udden desire to touch them—
her nose, the top of her cheekbones.

She pulls away from me
. “I don’t think…”

I hug her tightly one more time
,
and all I can this is
please, please, don’t say that friend word. Please
.

She
doesn’t. She just hugs me back, and relief washes through me.

- - -

It’s near ten PM, the harbo
r’s quiet. Lynn is glued to D
ad’s side.

We pause at the back of her b
oat.

“Why don’t you two watch a movie together or something,” Dad offers.

I open my mouth to protest, but realize this is his very polite way of asking me to s
t
ay off his boat for a while
,
so he can be with Lynn
.
Right.
The friends with benefits thing
.

I’ll probably crash on the floor in Amber’s boat rather than risk going home too early.
Spending some time alone with her sounds pretty damn perfect.

“Amber!” Someone calls from the top of the ramp.

“Sure
, D
ad. See you in the morning.” I turn away from him to see who called her name. Kent. Of course. Who
else would be stalking her?

Amber’
s eyes float to mine as
our parents quickly make their way to Dad’s boat.

“What do I do?” she asks.

I really don’t want to share her with Captain America, but what the hell am I supposed to s
ay? “Whatever
.
I don’t care.
” I don’t know how it comes out, and I don’t know that I care.
Stupid prick has really crappy timing.

She slumps and walks up the ramp. I head into her mom’s boat. It’s way smaller than dad’s
, and the steps leading down inside are even steeper
.
This boat also
has more clutte
r, but knowing Lynn the small bi
t I do, I’m not surprised.
Her
egg-shaped
table isn’t dissimilar from D
ad’s,
and I sit, having not the faintest idea what to do with myself. I wonder what Amber and Kent are talking about?

I shake my head and rub my hands over my face. It really doesn’t matter. Shouldn’t matter.

“Hey, Antony?” Amber calls.

“Yeah.”

He
r legs step into the boat first.
I wish she’d pause, just for a few minutes.

“Kent’s joining us for a movie.”

As soon as I can see her whole body, Kent’s feet appear as he makes his way down the steep stairs
behind Amber
.

“Great.” I wonder if both catch the sarcasm in my voice.

Amber looks very pointedly at me, her lips are pressed together, but she’s trying to look rel
axed. “You said you
didn’t
care
. S
o here we are.”

I try to hold in a smile. Amber’s trying to play games here. I’m sort of surprised, and also sort of flattered, because this means she likes me. Or is starting to.

The couch in here IS the seat around the table. There’s a small
flat screen
that
pulls away from the wall
,
and she slides in a movie.
Amber sits in the one small chair to take off her boots. Bare legs. Pretty feet. I jerk my head from her direction and stare
at
the TV.