Spill Over (25 page)

“But there are a ton of girls who think you’re the sweetest, greatest thing
ever
.
I get it, Antony.”
The annoyance in her voice comes across crystal clear.

“No.” I shake my head. And yeah, I did want to say that, but I didn’t say it. “
I need your help.”

“You’re chasing me down
to tell me you kissed someone else
and that
you need my help?” Her brows r
ise
,
and I have this sinking feeling she’s about to blow me off. It’ll be a first for me, which really sucks.

“Please. Even I’m sick of hearing me say that word. Please just walk with me, okay?”

“Do you know how I feel right now? Do my feelings register here at all?” She taps the side of my head.

“No, I don’t kno
w how you’re feeling. I guess I—
”

“How would you feel if I kissed Kent?”

“I’d kick his ass.” The words come out before I can think or filter.

She shakes her head. “Well, that’s not how I feel. It hurts like I can’t breathe.”

I rest a hand on either shoulder and slowly rub her upper arms.
“Shit, Amber. I swear…”

“You swear. W
hatever.”
She stares at the ground. It’s a whole different kind of rejection, and one I’m not sure I can take.

“Fine.” I stand taller. “Hurt me back.”

Her jaw is clenched as she steps t
oward me. Her breath hits my
face. “I’m not strong enough to do the same kind of damage.”

And just when I didn’t think I could feel worse, I do. My head rests forward, she still hasn’t moved away and the warmth from her touches me, but I don’t get to touch her. Not right now.

“Let’s sit.”
She moves away
.

“Okay.” I follow her in silence, a little unsure of how to begin.

She takes a seat on a bench and I sit next to her, just not as close as I’d like to, which
,
again,
really sucks. This distance all came from one stupid conve
rsation about girls. Well, and Hélèna
showing up.
Okay, and my stupid need to kiss her back. It’s like for a moment, I felt like I was needed in a way that Amber doesn’t want me. Not yet.

“Okay,” I start.

She holds her hand up between us.

Guess this means we’re not talking yet. Her arms are crossed and she
’s staring at the playground
.

“So, I…”

But she silences me with her hand again.
It almost looks like she’s trying not to cry? Did I do this?

I wait.
My heart’s starting to panic, pounding crazily.

“What’s up?” She’s way too cool. She may have invited me to sit with her, but she’s still in the process of blowing me off.

I need to say s
omething important, something big.
“I miss you.”
That’s it? Even I think that’s lame.

“What is it you need my help with?” She folds her arms
more tightly
.

“Fine.” I sit back and fold
my
arms. We can both play this stupid game. “I like
Hélèna
. S
he’s a good friend
,
and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“You seriously called me over here to ask me about
the
girl
you kissed
? Are you mental?” Her face pulls into a scowl.

She
kissed
me
, but something says that I should probably keep that to myself.
Okay. I’m not playing anymore.
Really, I can’t afford to.
I unfold my arms and rest my hand on her leg. “I really, really like you. I want
Hélèna
to go home, but I don’t know how to tell her without hurting her feelings. Okay?”

Amber’s shoulders relax. H
er arms relax. She lets her head fall down and stares at her lap.

“Be honest. Completely.”

“That doesn’t work.”

Her head snaps toward me, and as much as I wished she’d look at me a moment ago, now I wish she’d look away.
Her scowl is fierce.
“What do
you
mean that doesn’t work?”

“I mean. I tried that with you. I told you everything you asked, and you got upset. I was just trying to share, answer your questions.”

“But everything you said just confirmed all the things I was scared about with you.”
The vulnerability in her scattered blue eyes makes me want to kiss her.

“But don’t you get
that I
’m not honest with anyone else the way I am with you
?” I lean
toward her
and breath
e
in, which is a really stupid thing to do when you like a girl more than she likes you.

“That’s not it. I mean, that’s not all of it.”

“Well, what’s the rest of it? I want to fix this.” Why am I putting so much work into this girl when a sure thing is sitting on Dad’s boat?
The moment the thought rolls through, I know why. I’m totally falling for this girl, and I want to. Not just to be with her, but to be around her, to know her.

“It’s everything
. Yo
u asked if you could sit closer.
I said yes and then your arms were around me and your legs were around me, and then you started to kiss me.”

“Right.” Because being close is nice.

“And then when we did k
iss, it’s like it wasn’t enough. Y
ou wanted more. So, yeah. It’s more than you being honest and me being afraid of
the things you told me
about other girls
. It’s me knowing you’re the kind of guy who will always want more, and when you’ve taken everything from me, you’ll…”

“What?”

“I don’t know.”
She chews on her lip as she stares at the ground.

She does know. She just won’t say. I’m not perfect, but she’s making me out to be some kind of prick that I’m not.
At least not anymore.

“Well, like I said, be honest
with her if you actually want
her to know what’s going on with you
.” She looks away.

“I’m not good at that.”
And so far it
has
bit me in the ass.

Her head whips toward me, and I immediately know I’ve screwed up again.
“Well, you’re go
i
ng to have to get good at it, if you ever want to be part of a relationship that means something.”

And I know she’s talking about us. I just know it. And it sucks because I have no idea how
to talk to Hélèna, and I obviously suck at talking to Amber, too
.

She leans in, kisses my cheek, stands up and walks away. “You let me
know if you get this sorted out
with
Hélèna
, but I don’t want to hear from you until you do.
I ca
n’t feel like this.
I just can’t. It sucks.”
And her voice almost sounds like she’s crying, but she’s walking away from me with purpose, so I don’t follow.

And I get it. I’m hurting her, even though I’m doing everything right, or trying to.
Okay. So I should have called Amber the moment I knew Hélèna was coming. And if I had been thinking straight, I’d have taken Amber with me. That would have been the smart thing. Also, I should have said something about Amber when me and Hélèna were at dinner. I’m messing up all over the place, but I’ve just never had to try this
hard
before.

Why did
Hélèna
have to come?
B
efore Amber,
Hélèna
would have been exactly what I need.

Amber
, one girl, has completely turned me inside out.

I sit at the empty playground for a long time. I don’t check my phone, and don’t look at the time. When it starts to get dark, I head back. I’m a prick for leaving
Hélèna
with my dad all evening.

I walk back down to Dad’s boat,
feeling sorry for myself,
the big pussy that I am. But as I pass Amber’s, I hear her talking.

“You really like him,
”
her mom says.

My heart stops. I really,
really
need to hear this.

“It doesn’t matter, Mom. Have you seen that girl? I mean, they
look
like they belong together. And the way she says his name all perfect…
Antony
.”

I can picture Amber right now rolling her eyes, but there would be some discomfort, or pain in there, too. Jealousy? She’s hard for me to read, but I know I’m getting better.

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“Don’t. Just, don’t give me sympathy. I knew. I mean, I knew the second I saw him frowning on the front of his dad’s boat
on the day he got here
that I needed to keep my distance.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

The pause is long. It’s so long, I wonder if they’ve both given up. I’m going crazy out here before I realize I’ve nearly crushed my paper cup of coffee.

“Because there’s so much to him. As shallow as he wants us all to think he is, he’s not. He thinks deeply, and he feels deeply. One day he won’t be embarrassed about that anymore.”

“And he’ll be like his dad.”

I almost choke.

Amber laughs. “No. Antony will never be like his dad.”

And as good
as my name sounds coming from
Hélèna
, it’s nothing compared to the way it sounds in the honest voice of Amber.

Now I know I’ll have to talk to
Hélèna
. The problem is that I don’t know how to be honest with her, or if she’ll even get me
anymore
.
I don’t think I can take hurting two girls in one day.

Nine
teen

When I step into the boat, Dad and
Hélèna
are laughing over the table, a bottle of Dad’s scotch between them.

“Qu-est-ce-que tu fais?”
What are you doing?

“Don’t be rude,”
Hélèna
says back. “We can speak English. I know how.”

“I speak better French that you speak Englis
h,
”
I point out.

“
But
I’m prettier and no one cares.” Her accent is thick.

Dad laughs.
“
I’ll be in my room
. L
et you two catch up.” He stands and walks out.

I wish I could pace or something. Anything to get rid of some of this nervous energy.

“You have problems, yes?”

“Yes.” I sit.

“Why did you not answer my letters?”

“I’m not checking email.”
And I really don’t have a good explanation that I want to discuss with her.

“You have
, uh, purpose for this?”

Mom. Mom’s my reason, but I can’t say it.
Not to
Hélèna
.
Nothing comes out.

“You and I have fun together. It’s why I’m here, and now I’m here and I see that you don’t want to have fun with me anymore.” Her smiles falters just enough that I know I’m hurting or affecting her somehow. I had no idea I had any of that kind of power
over her
.

“No,
it’s not…” that. But it
is that. But how do I tell her that there’s someone
else
I’d rather
be having fun with
? There’s no good way. “I’m just still messed up. Make sense?”
I
have to tell her about Amber
.
Have to.

“Your mom?” The look of hurt has turned to one of concern. That’s better.

“That’s part of it
.”
My mouth opens to tell her about Amber, but Hélèna starts talking again.

“Did you hear my mom got a part in a movie?” Her smile is wide
r, an
d she’s back to speaking French
.

“No.” This starts a long round of conversation that probably neither of us cares much about, but we know enough of the same people that it’s still fun to get caught up.
But we don’t touch. We sit across the table from one another, and we don’t even hint at anything real between us.