Spiraling (22 page)

“It’s okay, Baby Doll,” he said softly.

I clung to him, peeking out at the boys on the couch.

“Come on.” Devon took my hand and led me across the front room.

We walked through the kitchen into a narrow hallway. Passing two doors on the left side, he opened the door at the end of the hall. It led into a small bedroom. The room was larger than the laundry room Devon had at Lia’s house, but it wasn’t as neat. It looked like a volcano had erupted in the middle of the room, spewing laundry on every surface. I recognized most of it as Carter’s and decided it must have been the room he used on weekends.

“Are you okay?” Devon asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“Don’t worry about those guys,” he said. “They’re assholes.”

“I know.”

Walking over to a desk across the room, he grabbed an ashtray from the hutch on the top. He pushed a pile of trash out of the way so that he could set the ashtray on the desktop before he retrieved his cigarettes from his pocket.

“You can sit down, if you want,” he said as he leaned back against the desk.

I looked around. “Where?”

He dumped a pile of clothes out of the only chair in the room. “There you go. Sorry about the mess. Car’s kind of a slob.”

“Drives you crazy, doesn’t it?” I chuckled.

“You have no idea. When I get a little bit more money together, I’m going to get my own place. I looked at one of the apartments behind that gas station on Second Street, but the guy wants a two-hundred-dollar deposit on top of the first month’s rent.”

“Are you talking about that old dumpy hotel with the horse out front?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “It’s a shit hole, but it’s about the only thing I can afford. Once I start working full time I’ll be able to get something better.”

“How are you going to work full time and go to school?”

“I’m not going back after break.”

“Devon, you can’t drop out of school.”

“I don’t really have much of a choice.” He flipped the ash from his freshly-lit cigarette into the ashtray. “I can’t just crash on Chase’s couch for the rest of my life.”

“What happened with your sister?”

“She kicked me out.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t really want to get into it,” he answered. “Let’s just say I fucked up.”

“You could talk to her. Explain what happened. She’s your sister. Maybe if you apologized she—”

“It’s not going to happen, Tori.” He raised his voice. “Just drop it.”

“Ok.” I looked at the floor.

He sighed. “I’m sorry, Baby Doll.”

“It’s okay.” I sniffled.

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“I understand. I’ll try not to nag you so much.”

He shook his head. “I never should have said that. You don’t nag.” He took another drag from his cigarette before squashing it into the ashtray. Then he stood up straighter. “Come here.”

I walked over to him. Sliding his hand under my chin, he lifted my face and looked into my eyes. His lips brushed mine the way they had the first time he kissed me before he whispered, “I love you.”

We made love on a pile of laundry, surrounded by chaos. I could hear his friends in the living room yelling at the woman in the movie. At first, I worried that they would hear us, but after a while, I forgot they were there. They became background noise.

I walked into the kitchen, took the phone off the charger, and carried it up to my room. Digging through the pockets of the jeans I’d worn a few nights before, I retrieved the gray piece of paper Devon had written Chase’s number on. Then I sat on the edge of my bed and punched the numbers into the phone.

“Hello?” Carter answered.

“Is Devon there?” I asked.

Silence.

“Hello? Carter?”

“Um…” He cleared his throat. “Sorry, who is this?”

“It’s Tori. Devon said he’d call, but I haven’t heard from him.”

“Oh.” He paused. “Well, he’s not here.”

“Where is he?”

“Um…He’s uh… He’s—”

“Where is he, Carter?” I clenched my teeth as I repeated the question. “Is he with Claire? Is that why you don’t want to tell me?”

“No,” Carter answered. “No, he’s not with Claire. He’s… Just a second.” There was a shuffling sound through the receiver, followed by a thud and more shuffling. “Sorry, about that. I had to come in the kitchen.”

“All right. So, where’s Devon?”

Carter inhaled. “He’s in jail.”

“What? Why is he in jail?”

“I drove him over to see his probation officer the other day. The guy said he looked high, so they did a drug test and he failed it.”

My lower jaw went slack. “How did he fail it? He told me he’s been clean since right after he got arrested.”

“He
was
.”

“Then how did he fail his drug test?” I asked.

“I guess he started using again a while back,” he answered.

“Why would he do that? And why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t
you
tell me?”

“I don’t know, Tori.” Carter sighed. “I’m not sure what’s going on with him. He hasn’t really been talking to me lately. He’s been…”

I lowered the phone as the reality of what Carter told me sank in. After a second I heard the muffled sound of him asking if I was still there. I put the receiver back to my ear and took a deep breath to steady my voice. “Do you know…? How long is he going to be there?”

“I have no idea.” He paused. “Listen, Tori, I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do—”

“Just let me know if you hear anything, okay?” I sniffled. “I’m going to… I’m going to get off here and…”

“It’s going to be okay, Tori,” Carter said.

“No. No, it’s not, but thanks anyway, Carter. I’ll talk to you later.”

I pushed the “End Call” button on the phone and let it drop from my hand. Tears sprang from my eyes. I was powerless to stop them. Spinning around, I threw myself across my bed. It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t be gone forever. He was gone. I didn’t know when, or if, I would see him again. It wasn’t fair that we’d gotten back together just to be torn apart. I felt like my life was nothing more than a series of cruel jokes and God was a twisted comedian.

When I didn’t have dinner ready by the time James got home at six, I heard him yelling at me from the bottom of the stairs. I didn’t move. It didn’t matter how many days he threatened to ground me for. There was no place I wanted to go. At that moment, I didn’t even have the will to leave my bed. I had cried for so long and so hard that I didn’t have anything left. I was exhausted.

Mom came to check on me when James’ yelling finally stirred her out of her office. She knocked on the door and waited for a response. When I didn’t give any, she opened the door a few inches and knocked again.

“Tori, honey, is everything okay?” she asked.

I rolled over to face the window silently.

She sat down on the side of my bed and put her hand on my shoulder. “Did something happen, Sweetheart?”

“No,” I said, my voice filled with irritation. “Just go away.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone.”

She hesitated. Then she lifted her hand off my shoulder and got up. After she left, I lay on my bed undisturbed until the next morning. Chris tried to get me up for breakfast, but I wasn’t hungry. For days, I didn’t move except to use the bathroom and eat a few crackers when Mom threatened to bounce on my bed until I ate.

Monday morning, Mom said she’d had enough of my sulking and made me go to school. I threw on an old pair of jeans, a sweater, and my tennis shoes. Then I walked by myself, getting to school twenty minutes after the first bell. Señora Turner scolded me for being late, but I ignored her, walking to my desk and plopping down.

After class, I trudged to my locker, not in any hurry to see Kennedy. I could hear her irritating voice even before I reached the entrance to the side hall. She was laughing and carrying on with Jason as if she didn’t have a care in the world.

She looked at me as I opened my locker and smiled. “Hey, Tori. Joy and I weren’t sure you were coming to school. We waited for you this morning, but when you didn’t come out, we figured you were just going to stay home and mope all day.”

My blood ran hot.
How could she?
I thought.
She’s supposed to be my best friend. How could she betray me like that? Best friend? More like arch nemesis.

“Come on, Tori. Cheer up. You’ve been such a downer lately.”

I shot her a warning glare. “Go to Hell.”

Throwing my Spanish book into my locker, I grabbed my civics book, slammed the door hard, and stormed away. Kennedy followed. I could hear the clunk of her heavy shoes on the tile behind me.

“What’s going on with you?” she asked.

“Leave me alone, Kenn,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Why are you mad at me? I didn’t do anything to you.”

I wheeled on her. “You told Devon I cheated on him.”

“No, I didn’t. I’ve never even talked to that jerk.”

“He’s
not
a jerk.”

“Not this again.” She sighed. “Tori, you need to get over that guy. He’s just a stupid stoner skank. If you ask me, I did you a favor.”

My fist landed before I knew what happened. Kennedy stumbled back and put a hand over her eye. My hand stung and there was a tingling sensation up my arm. I blinked at her, baffled, as tears spilled down her cheeks. She looked at me once more before she scurried away to cry somewhere else.

“Way to go, Princess!” Jeremiah yelled.

I looked through the sea of surprised onlookers and found Jeremiah standing next to the vending machine. Jake, Carter, and Maimy were with him, clapping as they shouted in approval. My cheeks reddened and I dropped my eyes. I didn’t want to be applauded for hitting someone.

Hugging my civics book to my chest, I hurried out of the commons area. As I started down the hall towards my class Maimy rushed up to me.

“That…was awesome,” she said. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“I didn’t mean to hit her.” I admitted.

“She was asking for it.” Maimy grinned. “I would have punched that whore a long time ago if I were you.”

Her words gave me pause, but I appreciated her support. It definitely wasn’t coming from anywhere else. Punching Kennedy was my one-way ticket to the land of social outcasts. No doubt, my ex-best friend would have everyone convinced that she was the innocent victim by the end of the day. I didn’t really care, though. I didn’t belong with the in-crowd and, despite Maimy’s friendly demeanor, I knew I didn’t belong with the out-crowd either. I had no idea where I fit.

At lunch, I sat alone under a large elm tree on the terrace outside the cafeteria, watching the squirrels run back and forth between two of the smaller trees. It seemed pointless. They’d go up one tree and back down, across a thirty-foot patch of grass—sometimes stopping in the middle—and then up the other tree only to come back down a second later. Occasionally, one would stop for longer than the others, but eventually, it would continue in the same meaningless pattern.

The tardy bell rang and I didn’t move. I stayed under the tree. It didn’t matter if I went to class. With my grades, I would be taking most of them again my sophomore year anyway. I wasn’t worried about getting in trouble. What could my mom possibly do to make my life suck any worse than it already did? Nothing. If I went to class and did everything I should have, it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. I would still fail, I would still have no friends, and Devon would still be gone. So, why move?

A damp wind brushed my cheek. Standing, I stepped out from the shelter of the tree’s canopy as the last rays of sun disappeared behind a dark cloud. Light raindrops landed on my face, washing away the salt from my tears, and a smile tugged at my lips. I’d always loved rain. In the morning, the air would smell of fresh dew and the crickets would be back to serenade the sun. All I had to do was survive the storm.