Stay (23 page)

I hardly left the hotel room. When I did, I roamed
aimlessly through the streets, my brain fried from thinking
everything through. My room service bill was going to be ridiculous
and I was pretty sure I’d lost my job.

It was a Saturday night, and I had questions I
needed answered. I figured he’d be working so I made my way to
Maggie’s old workplace. Max was tending the back bar when I got
there and lucky for me it was pretty quiet since it was only past
nine. When he glanced up, I thought he was going to split, but he
regained composure once he saw the big-ass bouncer by the back
door.

“What can I do for you, Luke? Because I’m not in the
mood for any games.”

I shrugged, understanding, and ordered a beer.

A bottle of beer was placed down in front of me.
“What’s this about? Is everything okay with Maggie?” His hands
rested on the edge of the bar, watching me.

“I don’t know. I took off.”

“And you came here to find me? Why?”

I shrugged again and drained my beer. “I have
something I was wondering about the two of you.”

“Yeah, what’s that?” he asked, uncapping another
beer for me.

“Did you and Maggie ever...did you ever have
sex?”

He flinched at my question. “Really? You came all
the way here to ask me if I got with your girl?”

“I don’t fucking know why I’m here.”

“I don’t want to fight you, Luke. You want to know
the truth? I’ll tell you because I think you deserve it. Yeah,
Maggie and I had sex.”

I closed my eyes trying to get that image of another
man putting his hands on my Maggie, but it was too late. The image
was already there and it was my fault for asking. “Did she ever
tell you that she loved you?”

“Look man, I know you’re hurting right now. I talked
to Maggie.” I stood up, ready to throw a punch, but he held up his
hands.

“Easy. She called me to apologize and that’s it. I
want to tell you right now- I loved that girl. But she never loved
me back. She doesn’t want me that way, never has. Not like how she
loves you. Were we together? Yeah, we were, but Maggie always
seemed disconnected. I thought it was what she’d been through as a
kid, but now I know it wasn’t. She feels horrible for running from
you and taking your chance at a family. She doesn’t deserve you
hating her right now. She knows she messed up. She knows you
deserved the truth way back when, and then again when you found
her. You have to go back to her, man. She’s hurting bad. Think
about what she went through with her dad. She was scared he’d hurt
the baby.”

“Thanks for the advice, but I don’t know if I can.”
I threw a twenty on the bar before walking out. I still had no clue
why I’d chose to come here. It was stupid. It only caused more
pain. The only good thing that came from this was knowing that she
never really loved him.

I had just gotten back to my hotel room when my
phone went off again. I glanced down at another text from Dean.

Please bro call me. We’re worried about you.

Quickly, I tapped in a message.

I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.

I didn’t want to be in New York anymore, so after
checking out, I headed west. I had a feeling I was making my way
home, but wasn’t sure if I was ready to deal with seeing Maggie
yet. I’d been gone just over a week, and in that time I deleted
over fifty voicemails from her. I never listened to any one of
them. I thought about going south for a while, but I ended up
giving in after listening to one of Jeremy’s messages where he all
but cried begging me to come back. That and that alone was why I
was almost back to the Windy City.

My car idled in front of the apartment building.
Maggie’s car was gone. Nobody was home when I finally walked inside
that morning. I stopped to check all around. Nothing seemed to have
changed while I was away, but then again what was I expecting? Even
if I’d only been gone for eight days, it felt like forever. Slowly,
my feet dragged me to our bedroom.

The funny thing is, before I left, I’d distanced
myself a little from Maggie almost like I knew something was going
to happen. At first, I’d planned on coming straight out and asking
her to marry me-let me buy you your dream, Maggie, let me be the
father of your children. So many times I’d stared at her while she
slept to see the shift in her. She changed in those two years that
she was gone. I was afraid of losing her, that she would turn my
proposal down, so I pushed her away a little to see if she’d snap
back at me. Confront me. Never once did she ask me what was wrong,
or try to make a move on me. I didn’t know how to deal with it.
Those two years with her gone were hell on me, and I couldn’t
imagine an entire life without her.

Our room was vacant when I stepped in. My old
comforter was back on, her frilly pink one was gone. Her make-up
was no longer strewn about out on the dresser top. The only
remaining thing was a picture of us when we were nineteen sitting
on the nightstand next to the bed. It was my favorite photo of the
two of us. We had just started to date, and I was in awe of her. We
looked ridiculously in love, and that’s what made it the best. You
could honestly see how we felt about each other just looking at a
damn picture.

She was gone.

Where I had no idea. The same pain flashed through
my body like it had the first time. I chucked my bag on the bed,
and hauled my ass out of there. It had been a while since I visited
the cemetery, and it was a long overdue visit.

The three headstones with their names on them were
toward the back under a big maple tree. I’d pick that spot since my
mom always loved the shade. She hated being in the sun for too
long, therefore I didn’t want her to spend eternity with the sun
beating down on her. Tears hit me as soon as my knees touched the
grass. I cried for losing them, for losing Maggie, for losing the
baby I never knew about, for losing me all over again. I hadn’t
even heard him come up from behind me, but I knew his shoes when
they came into view.

“Hey, man,” I said to Dean wiping away the tears
that had fallen from my eyes.

His hand rested on my shoulder. “I saw your bag in
the room, so I knew you were back. I had a feeling you’d be
here.”

Standing, I brushed some grass from my knees, and
let out a deep breath. He draped his arm across my shoulder. “Let’s
go get some coffee and talk for a little bit.”

I gave one last glance back at Phoebe’s headstone,
smiled, then followed Dean out of there. Before we got to my car, I
came to a stop. “Where’d Maggie go?”

“Home. Now let’s go.” Shit! That’s what I was afraid
of. That’s the last place she wanted to be, and now my anger toward
her pushed her back to the one place she despised.

We’d just gotten to a small diner to grab a bite
when Dean finally gave me a knowing half smile. “I know you’re
pissed at her. I would be too. But think about it, man. What she
did, she did for you and that baby. I know you don’t see it that
way, because your family is all gone, but she did. She thought she
was going to bring you down, ruin your life. Could you imagine if
she had a girl, and he touched her when she got bigger? She was
protecting that baby. You need to either forgive her and move past
it, or move on without her. You can’t just shut down, start
drinking, doing drugs again because shit didn’t go as easily as you
anticipated. We’re still here. Jer, and me, we’re not going
anywhere. We’ll be your family.”

I looked up from my coffee when he finished. “You’re
already my family, but thanks for saying it.”

“So, where you been?” He asked.

I shook my head, still unable to believe it. “New
York. I went to see Max.” I held up my hands when he looked like he
was confused. “Not to start anything. I just...I don’t know. I
wanted to know how close they had gotten when she lived there.”

“Did you find out?”

“Unfortunately, yeah.”

Dean frowned in understanding. “I’m going all big
bro on you now okay, so don’t say anything until I’m done.”

Once I nodded, he continued. “She’s no different
then you, man. Once you realized she wasn’t coming back when she
left, you nailed everything and anything that looked your way.
Hell, before you even got with her you had some girls under your
belt. Don’t crucify her for being human. Max helped her. She made a
mistake. A big fucking mistake not telling you about the baby, but
things happen for a reason. That baby wasn’t meant to be. But it
doesn’t mean you two can’t get your shit together and try again.
You have money, you have a job. A shit job, but you love her, and
don’t tell me you don’t. Maggie has always been the girl for you
since we were little, and that is a fact. She’s your epic love,
man. Not many people get that one person that they’re meant to be
with. Even Jeremy knew how you felt about her. Any idiot could tell
just by the way you looked at her. The way you still look at her.
Everyone deserves a second chance. Maggie definitely does.”

After the waitress filled out coffees, I tipped my
head back on the edge of the vinyl seating. “I don’t know if I can
forgive her for this. I don’t know if it’s possible for me to move
past it. I’ll always love Maggie, but there was a baby, and it’s
gone. I still can’t understand why she didn’t trust me.” I ran my
hands through my hair, grunting.

His shoulders slumped. “Take some time to think
about it at least. Don’t rush into anything. She’s home with her
mom for now. She’s hasn’t been back since you left, and Jer says
she’s not planning on coming back. She’s taking that class and
keeping busy. But, I had lunch with her two days ago, and she looks
like shit, man. She loves you and you know that.” He pulled out a
few crumpled up envelopes, handing them to me. “She wanted me to
give you these. Let her back in.”

I faced him again. “I hate you right now,” I said,
but he smiled back at me knowing that I was just teasing him for
being so up front with me.

I slipped out of the booth, stretching my arms over
my head. I was beat, and needed to sleep soon. I grabbed the keys
off the table. “Where you going?” He asked, as he slipped out next
to me.

“I don’t know. Home.”

“Why don’t you go get your woman first?”

I rubbed the hair on his head. “Why don’t you give
me a few days to sort my shit out?”

He smirked, but laughed. “Yeah, all right.”

I had a degree in finance, I needed to start using
it. I knew if I kept working at bars, I would settle since I didn’t
need the money. But, I wanted to make something of myself, and yeah
maybe even do the whole nine to five crap. I hadn’t seen or spoken
to Maggie since I got back. Jeremy was up my ass about it, and
about her. He told me he couldn’t keep a secret from her and that
he let her know that I was back in town. But, I couldn’t do it. I
couldn’t face her yet. The thought of it hurt too damn much.

I read her letters, and each one killed me. They
were all filled with apologies, the truth, a few even asked if she
could come home. God, how I wish she would have sent these. I
finally understood her. Why she left, how scared she was, but I
still couldn’t come to grips with it all, and call her. The pain
still sat on my chest like someone dropped a huge boulder on to
me.

***

It wasn’t until three weeks later that we ran into
Maggie at the same diner that Dean went all big bro on me. Dean,
myself and Hayley, a girl I’d become friends with from the bar were
in there grabbing some lunch, when she strolled in through the
doors. I almost choked on my food. I wished I could say I forgot
about Maggie, but I didn’t. Over the last few weeks Hayley made it
known she was looking for more than friendship, but I couldn’t take
her up on it. Not yet. I wanted to move on. I convinced myself to
forgive Maggie, and I did. I forgave her for everything. I just
hadn’t had the guts to tell her to her face. I was terrified that
if I let her back in, it would be the real end of me. That final
nail in my coffin.

She started to come over, but paused when she saw
Hayley lean in to kiss me on the cheek. I closed my eyes, and by
the time I reopened them she was gone, and the only thing I could
see was the door swinging shut. Dean didn’t even see her, because
he was facing the opposite direction, but he saw my face.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.” I took a bite out of my sandwich, feeling
Hayley squeezing my thigh under the table. She was cute, friendly,
fun, and sexy but I didn’t want to complicate things until I knew
for sure where my head was when it came to Maggie. Deep down I knew
the real reason. Starting a new relationship and having sex with
Hayley wouldn’t fix me. It would just make me feel worse about
myself. Not to mention part of me was afraid that Maggie wouldn’t
ever forgive me if I did.

Hayley had a class downtown she had to get to so she
excused herself a half hour later. She kissed me quickly full on
the mouth right in front of Dean before she walked out making sure
she left me questioning our ‘friendly’ relationship. And sometimes
I did want more. It was only a matter of time before I gave in and
gave her what she wanted if I let her stick around.

“What are you doing with her, bro?”

“What do you mean? She’s cool and just a friend.” I
scoffed at his suggestion that she wasn’t good enough.

“Whatever. Let’s head out.”

Seeing Maggie today even if it was for the briefest
of seconds did something to me. I couldn’t shake the feeling. I
tried so damn hard to let her go. The madness of everything felt
like it was swallowing me whole, pulling me under and I needed for
it to end. When I looked back at what we had once it was impossible
not to remember all the good times we shared. I even tried to
figure out the night that we made a baby together, but never could
nail it down. I suppose I could ask her.