The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (6 page)

She pointed
towards the corner of the room where a car battery was on its side
with two long wires coming out of it. “I got a routine just for
you. Electro-balls. To go with that electric suit you're wearing,”
she said with her lips curling.

Andre simpered.
“Can I leave you a sample contract and some ideas we've had. We'd
been keen to meet and discuss, in our office maybe.” He took a
small bundle of papers from his bag and passed them over to her,
but she didn't take them. “I'll leave them on the table,” he told
her and then put them on the back of the man near his feet.

“You going to be
in my show if you screw up?” The woman asked as she got up and
Andre shook his hand.

“Sorry that's not
how it works.”

“Well this is how
I work,” the extreme Mistress of Hades replied and put one foot
over the man on his knees a couple of feet from Andre. She snarled
at the agent, and maintained eye contact as she released a stream
of urine from her bladder onto the contract and the man at her
feet. “Yeah, now do one,” he was told as her flow of wee stopped,
and a relieved Andre made a hasty exit.

It was one
client he was suddenly very glad he didn't have, no matter how keen
his uncle was on her and her “potential earning ability.”

1. Chapter V
   

Jack entered the
lounge and inwardly groaned when he saw the faces of his mother and
father sitting opposite each other with furrowed brows. He had been
summoned aggressively from his bedroom and knew what they wanted to
talk to him about.

“Sit down,” his
father barked and pointed at a chair opposite. He scratched his
head and rubbed his eyes, putting his newspaper onto the floor
beside him. “What's this I hear about you and some scrubber?”

Jack sighed.
“Nothing,” he said firmly. “Just … nothing.”

“It didn't look
like nothing,” his mother interrupted. “He was naked, and she was
getting naked. And to think he was letting her swim in our
pool.”

The imposing
figure of Paul Rees-Montague clicked his fingers and his wife
stopped immediately. “Listen son, I know that Ellie girl hit you
hard, but you have to realise that there are some pretty nasty,
scheming lowlife out there, and they see what we have and they want
some of it. And you will get girls throwing themselves at you. And
it's nice, trust me, it feels good. Just remember that they don't
like you, they want you for our money and our status.”

“Claire doesn't.
She …”

“She is the
daughter of our cleaner,” he interrupted and laughed. “I mean, she
probably doesn't have much of a future. She spent all day planting
flowers, so I really don't think she's appropriate for you.”

“She's really nice
and …”

“Listen. She might
be nice, but you and her are from different worlds. She'll probably
try and entice you into sex, tell you that she's on the pill, let
you get her pregnant, and you'll never hear the end of it. So,
don't think about her and just try and find some suitable ladies.
And if you want cheap tarts for the afternoon, pay for a
prossie.”

Jack gulped and
clenched his fists. “It's not what you think. She doesn't want
…”

“You are being so
naïve,” his father told him condescendingly and tutted. “I was
there once. And it took my father to point it out to me. She will
be after …”

“Will you just listen?” Jack shouted and stunned his
father into silence. “I did my revision, and as she finished
planting the flowers I asked her if she wanted a drink as I wanted
a break. While she was waiting for her mother to pick her up we
talked, and it was nice. And relaxing. She listened, and was like a
friend, and that was it. And then I tried to get her into the pool
because I wanted to swim. She was going to be naked as she didn't
bring her costume. She is not my type, and I am not her's. She is
not interested in me, except for having someone to talk to for an
hour. That's it. There is no attempt at getting pregnant or trying
to seduce me or anything else. That was it, sixty minutes of chat.
And as for the future, she is looking to go to Uni as well.”

“Not Cambridge
though,” his father interrupted. “And so she hasn't got to try to
get you into bed, but it'll come. That type always try it. It's
lucky that we caught her before …”

Jack groaned and
threw his hands up in the air. “Just … no!” He rubbed his brow.
“OK, I probably won't see her again,” he told them. “But I promise
I will not try and get to see her naked if I do. OK?”

Paul tapped the
side of the chair and muttered. “You have a lot to learn,” he told
him. “A lot to learn.” Jack didn't respond but just frowned at his
concerned parents before shaking his head and leaving the room.

* *
* * *

Paige swore at her
phone. “Out of bloody credit. I only put a tenner in you three days
ago, how the hell can you chew through ten pounds when I don't
bloody use you? Who are you calling in my bag?” The phone didn't
respond other than beep when she tried to make a call and Paige
threw her arms up in despair. “Bloody thing.”

“Errr … hello.”
Paige looked up to see Claire standing in front of her.

“Hi,” Paige cried.
“I got the tickets. I was going to ring you, but my phone said no
credit and I know there should be credit in there. I don't know
where it disappears to.” Paige held her hands out in front of her
and looked expectantly at her friend. “I'm sure it's gremlins.”

“Yeah, mine does
that too,” Claire said with a grin and pulled Paige up from the
bench with her outstretched hand. “Lazy.”

“I've been up
since six,” Paige moaned.

“Paper round?”

“No, Hazel
crying.” Paige shrugged. “She does that a lot, but she won't talk.
Not to me, not to Mum, not to her nurse. Just sobbing away like a
baby.”

“You didn't want
to bring her?” Claire asked, and Paige shook her head.

“No. Krystal was
going to come, but she's been called in to work. Her manager was
ill. Or as Krystal says, his wife is away and he wants to go screw
his mistress, but I think she's just jealous. So it's just us two.”
Paige smiled as she passed Claire her ticket and the girl instantly
fished around for her purse. “You buy the drinks afterwards and we
are quits,” Paige offered.

“Thanks,” Claire
muttered, but Paige snorted.

“Wait 'til you see
the drinks prices before you thank me!”

The romantic drama
was not to Paige's taste, but Claire had been keen to see the film,
and the red-haired firebrand had missed her naturist friend in the
two weeks since she had left the camp site, so readily agreed to
meet up to see anything with her.

After the cinema,
the two girls walked across the High Street and walked towards the
station before stopping at a small bar near the main road. Claire
bought both of them large glasses of wine and they sat down to
talk.

“That was a bit of
a crap film,” Paige moaned as she took a sip and Claire hummed.

“It wasn't that
bad, but I don't think it was as good as the hype,” she replied and
pushed her shoulders back to allow her coat to fall off her body
and land on the padded leather bench she was sitting on. “So, apart
from Hazel, what's been going on?”

“Nothing much.
Every time I want to do something, Hazel stops me. It's a pain
sharing bedrooms,” Paige moaned. “That karaoke competition on
holiday really awakened something inside of me so I tried singing
last night; I have an old karaoke machine from when the pub down
the road closed down but she just wouldn't let me.”

“You bought a
karaoke machine from 'em. That's quite enterprising!”

“No. I broke in
and nicked it after closing night,” Paige said without a trace of
irony in her voice. “Well the brewery didn't want it any more, they
were knocking the place down.” Claire pursed her lips and looked
away, but Paige didn't notice the disapproval of her friend. “I
just can't use it any more when she's around. Hazel kicks off. And
I write the odd song. I've got a few I've written and it has a mike
and amp, and an output that I can stick into a laptop, so I've
tried recording my voice and putting instruments over the top, but
I can't do it in the flat. Kitchen's no good, Lounge always has the
telly on, so only leaves my room and that's got Hazel in it. So
I've just got nowhere at the moment. It's doing my head in! I
really want to make music again and can't.”

Claire laughed. “I
know someone with the opposite problem. A recording studio above
their garage and no desire to use it.” Paige's eyes widened, and
Claire recounted the visit to Jack's house a few days previous and
Paige giggled at the story. “He's just so spoilt, really.”

“I hate people
like that,” Paige moaned. “I mean, they will have telly rooms and
pools bigger than my bedroom and all sorts. It's just sick.”

“He's nice,”
Claire replied. “But his parents are just … well they aren't from
this planet. To think I was trying to seduce their son.
Agghhh!”

Paige giggled, and
Claire smiled. “You know, I'd love a go on a karaoke machine again.
We don't have one, and it'll be good to do it again. We won the
competition and that afternoon where we entertained everyone was
great. I mean, I know it was raining so they had nothing else to
do, but it was fun.”

“It was wicked!”
Paige gushed with a smile. “Hazel is away next week, she is off on
a school field trip with an overnight stay or something. If Mum
lets her go, so we could use it on Wednesday,” Paige suggested, and
Claire nodded, excitedly.

“Yeah. Whereabouts
do you live?”

“Selhurst,” Paige
said instantly. “In the High Street. Above the pound shop.” Claire
giggled and Paige nodded. “Yeah I know. Real classy!”

* *
* * *

“Wow!” Claire said
the moment she entered the small bedroom. Although the room was
cramped with a bunk bed to her right and posters of pop stars and
film celebrities on the wardrobe door, there was a big karaoke
machine taking pride of place in the corner of the bedroom. “How
did you get that from the pub?”

“I wheeled it on a
supermarket trolley,” the girl told her proudly. “I had seen it and
wanted it when we were in the pub for a birthday party. Someone my
Dad knows turned sixty or something, but the moment the posters
went up to say the place was shutting, I just had to go and get it.
It'd only've gone to the tip.” Claire listened, and Paige snorted.
“I met two guys with knives as I left. They scared the hell out of
me, but they just went in to try and get some booze. Didn't give a
monkeys 'bout the karaoke machine.”

“Did they find
any?”

“What? You think I
stayed to find out?” Claire giggled, and Paige pulled a laptop out
of the cupboard and set it up on the floor. The fan strained and
whined as it booted up; it was old, but once it had loaded, the
hostess set up the output from the karaoke machine to go into the
laptop and passed Claire a chunky microphone. “What shall we start
with?”

The folder
containing the CDs was huge and Claire started leafing through
them. She selected Katy Perry's Teenage Dream; it was one of the
few disks containing songs from the past eighteen months, but
despite Paige's selection of disks leanings towards older music,
Claire was still in awe at the choice open to her.

Claire and Paige
sang well, but when they replayed the recording, their voices were
“clipping” and Paige had to turn a few buttons. They tried again,
and although they sounded OK on the recording, there was crackling
and interference coming from the laptop.

Claire didn't care
and just enjoyed spending time with Paige who, after messing up
three songs in succession apologised to her friend and removed her
trousers, shirt and underwear. “I can't sing with clothes on,” she
told her friend. “It's not right. I always do it naked. It's why I
froze on the school talent night.”

Claire giggled,
and Paige told her to try singing without any clothes on. Claire
hesitated, the last time she started getting undressed at someone's
house she was accused by the parents of trying to seduce their
offspring. She had no intention of seducing Paige, but had no idea
what her friend's parents would say if they came in!

“It's much
better,” Paige promised her and to prove a point selected Sinead
O'Connor on the karaoke machine, before singing it pitch-perfect.
Claire was spellbound at her talented friend's voice as her hairs
on her arm stood up.

“You should record
some of this,” she told her. “I mean properly. I play the electric
guitar. If we could get someone on the keyboard, your vocals are
just incredible.” Paige blushed so that her cheeks matched her
hair.

“Well it's just to
chill. I'm not that good.”

“You are, I know
it's just an escape. But … wow!”

“You could sing
just as well, you just need to strip off. Try it,” Paige encouraged
her with a grin and Claire relented. She gently folded her clothes
and put them on the bottom bunk before attempting Whitney Houston's
signature ballad. She cringed when it was played back to her, and
Paige smiled. “Better at Pop and Rock?” She teased, and Claire
nodded.

“But I get it,
it's good to sing naked.” She closed her eyes for a moment and
hummed. “You know, I wonder if we could get access to a recording
studio you could do something and put it on iTunes or
something.”

“We could do stuff
together,” Paige suggested. “I dunno. I don't think I'm that good
to get onto iTunes.”

“You are,” Claire
replied. “Really good. But there's only one way to find out.”
Claire's eyes sparkled excitedly. “I've not felt like this before,
we should. We should definitely do something. We could be the
Undressed Couple or something.”

Paige burst out
laughing, and Claire shrugged. They heard a door close behind them,
and Paige looked up at her bedroom door, as it slowly opened. “Are
you in for tea?” Her mother asked her naked daughter, and Paige
nodded.