The Culmination (6 page)

“Enough with the TMI. Please.”

Kat laughs. “Well, thanks for being my wing-woman, girl. You’ll see, once your babies are screaming in your ear, you’ll appreciate any chance to spontaneously unleash your freak, too.”

“Are you sure you’re up for this, Kat? You look kinda green.”

“Oh, pfft,” Kat scoffs. “With what I’ve got in mind to do to Josh, he won’t mind one bit if I barf all over him.” She winks.

Chapter 5

Jonas

“Bro, what the fuck is going on with you?”

I flip the swordfish over on the grill.

“Are you gonna talk to me or just keep acting like a fucking serial killer all night?”

I place the veggie kabobs on the grill, one by one, making sure to keep their spacing equidistant.

“Hello? Earth to Jonas.”

“I’m gonna act like a fucking serial killer all night.”

Josh sighs loudly.

“Have you talked to Henn recently?” I ask.

“Yeah. I talk to him all the time.”

“Is he still monitoring the situation carefully?” I ask.

“Yeah. He’s on it. There’s still no indication of any problem.”

“When was the last time you talked to him about that, specifically?”

Josh looks up, thinking. “Maybe a month ago? He’s on it.”

“Well, a lot can happen in a month. I’d better call him.” I pull out my cell phone.

“He’s monitoring it, Jonas. At the first inkling of a problem, he’ll let us know. He cares as much about keeping things contained as we do.”

“I’d like to hear him say that.”

Josh throws up his hands. “Call him then, fine. Jesus. But not right now.” He looks over at Gracie. “Let’s just have ourselves a chill Sunday afternoon barbeque, okay? We’ll call him together from the office, first thing tomorrow.”

I take a deep breath.

“Jonas, if there’s
ever
any indication whatsoever those fuckers are rising again or that they’ve figured out it was us who took them down, Henn will be on it like white on rice. And the minute Henn says something’s up, we’ll take immediate action, whatever’s necessary.” He looks at me pointedly. “Whatever needs to be done, I’m in. You know that, right?”

I nod. “Thanks.” I rotate the veggie kabobs on the grill. “We’re sure Oksana’s still wearing her fashionable orange jumpsuit?” I ask.

“Of course. All day, every day. It’s gonna be orange is the new black ’til the end of fucking time for good ol’ Oksana.”

“Fuck. I can’t stop thinking I should have taken her out with the others.”

Josh shakes his head. “What you did was perfect, bro. Don’t second-guess yourself. You were the God of the New Testament rather than the Old. Perfect measure of force. You showed class and restraint.”

“Fuck class and restraint. I shouldn’t have left a single loose end. That was stupid of me.” I shift the fish steaks on the grill, my stomach twisting. I’m silent for a long beat.

“You handled it exactly right, bro. Total precision—like a fucking sniper. So
you
.”

“I worry about loose ends. I worry we didn’t cut the head off the snake. The anxiety is eating me alive.”

“Dude. Max was the head, no doubt about it. We got ’em. Don’t worry.”

“You’re sure Henn’s on it?”

“He’s on it. If there’s ever even the
suggestion
of a shit storm coming our way, Henn will let us know immediately. And then we’ll take action. I promise.”

“Bubba, Daddy!” Gracie squeals.

“I’ll blow bubbles for you in just a second, sweetie. Can you twirl for Daddy?”

“Grassy twuhl.”

“Good girl. Twirl and make your dress go poof.”

Gracie twirls around and topples over and then repeats the exercise again. And then again. And again.

“So is that it? Is The Club all you’ve been worried about?”

I shrug.

Josh exhales. “What else, bro? Come on. I can read you like a fucking book. What’s going on?”

“I’m struggling,” I finally say, blowing out a loud puff of air. I press my lips into a tight line and look back down at the grill.

“About what?”

“Daddy!” Gracie shouts. “Bunny? Where da bunny, Daddy?”

“Yeah, I think the bunny lives over by those rocks, Gracie,” Josh says. “Can you find him?”

Gracie traipses off toward the rocks on the other side of the lawn.

“Jonas, talk to me. Is it Oksana? Is that what you’re struggling with?”

I shake my head, emotion swirling inside me.

“Jonas—”

“Daddy!” Gracie yells.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Daddy, bubba?”

“Sure, sweetie. I’ll blow bubbles for you in just a minute. Practice throwing the ball, honey.” He grabs a beach ball from the other side of the lawn, brings it to Gracie, throws it with her a few times, and walks back over to me. “Bro, tell me what you’re struggling with.”

I take a deep breath. “I’ve bitten off more than I can chew,” I confess quietly.

Josh’s face goes ashen. “With... what?”

I don’t reply.

“Jonas, talk to me. With what? The gyms?” He looks like he’s holding his breath.

“No. Not the gyms. I was born to do Climb and Conquer.”

Josh looks relieved. “I know you were.”

“Fuck yeah, I was.”

“Fuck yeah.” Josh glances at Gracie on the lawn. “Kat’s gonna kill us for dropping f-bombs around Little G.”

“Well, I’d rather not talk at all than say ‘effing’ all the time. You sound like you have a fucking vagina.”

“Screw you. Wait ’til you have babies and see what you’re willing to say and do. Wiping shit off another person’s tiny little ass ten times a day, walking around with spit up on your Gucci jacket—”

“I don’t own a fucking Gucci jacket, Kanye.”

“It’s an example. I’m not being literal here. The point is wait ’til you have a kid and see what you do.”

“Well, I won’t say ‘effing,’ that’s for sure.

“So you think. Mark my words, you’ll find yourself doing a million things you never imagined. Wearing a tiara to a tea party with teddy bears. Letting her sleep in your bed right between you and your wife—which means after the baby falls asleep you’ve got to sneak out of your own bed to have sex with your wife on the floor of the fucking nursery.”

I grimace.

“Don’t knock it, man. Sex in the baby’s nursery is hot in a twisted sort of way.”

“That’s fucked up, man.”

“Ha! A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. The most comfortable carpets are always in the baby’s nursery.” He winks and I grimace again. “Get ready for grab-it-when-you-can sex, Jonas. It’s looming in your future.”

“Yeesh.”

“Oh, and so much more fun stuff, too. Missing a Seahawks game because your baby has the slightest fever.” He looks over at Gracie. “Watching
Dora the Fucking Explorer
so many times you can’t hear the word ‘map’ without involuntarily bursting into goddamned song.” He laughs. “Fucking your wife in the backseat of your car right next to your sleeping baby in her car seat because a late-night drive was the only way to get your colicky baby to sleep.”

“Enough with the sex stories, Josh. Seriously.”

“I’m just telling the truth. No one ever tells the truth about this kind of stuff. Everyone pretends everything’s perfect and easy—but I’m telling you, it’s hard.” He looks at Gracie. “And so worth it. But I’m just warning you so you know—in the beginning, you gotta get pretty creative to get it.”

“I really don’t need these visuals of you, motherfucker.”

He laughs. “I’m your fucking guardian angel right now and you don’t even know it. Anyway, the whole point is that, considering all the other shit that goes hand-in-hand with having a baby, saying ‘effing’ really doesn’t seem like that big an
effing
deal, motherfucker.”

I have no idea how to respond, so I don’t say a damned thing.

“But all of it is
so
worth it, bro. Oh my God. Best thing ever.” He laughs. “Best
effing
thing ever. Indescribably awesome.”

“Daddy bubba?”

“Yes, Little G. I’ll blow bubbles for you.”

I add teriyaki sauce to the fish steaks, turn the veggie kabobs over, and lower the heat.

“Trust me, you’ll be saying
effing,
too,” Josh calls over his shoulder. He’s blowing bubbles for Gracie on the lawn.

“No chance.”

“You will.”

“I don’t have a vagina, so... nope.”

“Hey, Jonas.” I look over at Josh on the lawn. He flips me off and mouths the words, “Fuck you.”

“Bubba, Daddy!”

“You want more bubbles, Little G?” He blows a long train of perfect bubbles, and Gracie screams with excitement. “Go get ’em, honey!”

I take the swordfish off the grill and put them onto a platter.

“Grassy bubba!”

“Oh,
you
want to blow the bubbles?”

“Grassy bubba!”

“Okay, here’s the wand. You dip it in here and then—no, no, baby. Daddy has to hold the bottle or else you’ll spill it. Daddy holds the bottle and you put the wand in. No, Gracie. I’m holding the—okay, you want to hold the bottle? Just for a second. Wait, no, baby, careful. Aw, shoot. See what happened? Now the bubbles are all gone. That’s why Daddy has to hold the bottle.”

Gracie wails.

“Aw, honey, don’t cry. I’m sure Mommy’s got another bottle of bubbles for you.” He rubs his face. “Jonas, will you watch Gracie for a minute? I’ve got to go inside to get more bubbles from the diaper bag.”

“Yeah. No problem. Lemme get the veggies off the grill real quick.” I remove the kabobs off the grill. “Okay, Gracie. You ready to ride Uncle Jonas like a horse again?”

Josh puts Gracie on my back and I reach around to hold her.

“Gidd-ap,” she says.

“You heard the girl. Giddy-up, Uncle Jo Jo.” He slaps my ass.

I trot around the lawn with Gracie on my back and she laughs and screams—but Josh doesn’t leave. He just keeps standing there, watching me, giving me that laughing-with-his eyes look.

“I thought you were getting the queen some more bubbles?” I say.

“She doesn’t even remember the bubbles anymore.”

“Then why the hell am I doing this?”

“Because you’re Uncle Jo Jo the Dancing Clown.”

“Unkie Jo-Jo Dah-Clehn.”

I roll my eyes.

“So, bro, if it’s not the gyms that’s got you all worked up, then what is it?” Josh asks. “What have you bitten off that’s more than you can chew?”

“Never mind, I’m fine. You want faster, Gracie?”

“Faster!”

I whinny like a horse and pretend to buck.

Gracie shrieks with glee.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. I can see it in your face. Is everything okay with Sarah?”

“Unkie Jo Jo! Faster!”

“It’s always ‘faster’ with this one,” I say. “She’s definitely got her daddy’s need for speed.” I pick up my pace and Gracie squeals loudly. “This cowgirl’s got the need—
the need for speed
!”

Gracie screams with delight.

“Jonas,” Josh says. “Talk to me. What are you struggling with?”

“Okay, Little G,” I say. “Uncle Jonas needs a break.” I kneel down and let Gracie off my back. “Gimme my kisses.” I pucker and she obliges me. “Thank you, pretty girl.”

“You funny, Unkie Jo Jo,” Gracie says.

“I funny,” I agree.

She trots off to play in the dirt.

When I divert my attention from Gracie, Josh’s eyes are fixed on me.

“Talk to me,” he says, his voice tight.

I return his steady gaze, but I don’t speak.

“Talking lets the feelings out,” Josh says.

I twist my mouth and Josh grins sympathetically.

“I can’t stand the thought of losing them,” I choke out, my cheeks suddenly burning.

Josh furrows his brow in confusion. “Losing what?”

“Not
what
. Who
.
”

“You mean the babies?”

“Yeah. The babies. Sarah.” I swallow hard. “Everyone I love. Everything I live for. Everything that keeps me
sane
.”

“Aw, Jonas.” Josh’s eyes are suddenly moist.

I swallow hard. “I can’t stand it, Josh. The thought of everything going to shit is strangling me.”

“
Jonas
.” He looks up at the sky, his face pained.

“‘Death is not the worst that can happen to men,’” I say, my voice in danger of breaking.

“Plato?”

I nod.

“Aw, bro.” Josh shakes his head. He’s quiet for a long beat. “You’re such a dumbshit.”

I stare at Josh, not comprehending. “Why? What am I saying that’s so dumb this time? I’m trying to tell you—I’ve put myself at risk here. I’ve fucked up. I can’t do this. I’ve set myself up for a total and complete meltdown. Things are gonna get fucked up and I won’t be able to overcome it this time.”

“Oh, Jonas.”

“If anything goes wrong, anything at all, I’m fucking toast, man. I’m telling you. Every single bit of my sanity—every single morsel of my happiness—it’s all wrapped up in Sarah and what’s growing inside her right now. I’m on thin ice, every fucking day. The stakes are just so high. I’m walking a tightrope. I’ve got too much to lose.”

“
Jonas
.” Josh rolls his eyes. “Calm the fuck down. Oh my God, Jonas. You’re going off the deep end here. Chill the fuck out.”

“How can I chill the fuck out? Everything’s at stake now.
Everything.
”

“Jonas, listen to me. Jesus.
Jonas.
”

I stop and stare at him, my chest rising and falling violently.

“What you’re describing is nothing special. It’s not just
you
, bro. It’s
everyone.
”

I stare at him blankly, breathing hard.

“Are you gonna listen to me?”

I breathe deeply.

“Jonas?”

“What?”

“Are you listening?”

“Yeah.”

“What you’re describing is simply what it means to love with all your heart and soul, you dumbshit.” He rolls his eyes again. “God, you’re so stupid sometimes, Jonas, I swear to God. I just don’t understand how someone can be so smart and so dumb all at once.” He rolls the entirety of his head at me, not just his eyes. “What you’re feeling is what it means to be a husband and a father, bro—for
any
man, not just you.
It’s not just you.
”