Read The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad Online
Authors: Karl Pilkington
Tags: #General, #humor
The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (48 page)
I like a nice sunset, or a sunrise, but I wouldn’t go all the way to Australia to see one. It’s the same sun no matter where you are. I guess some people do it
for the romance, but that seems like a really cheesy, predictable thing to do. I think it can be just as romantic sitting in the car in the pissing rain looking out over the sea in Kent eating
some Chicken McNuggets. I bet they haven’t even got a McDonald’s at Ayers Rock.
At around 4 a.m. I got up and made my prototype for my invention. I used cotton and thread from the B&B bathroom kit and sewed the blow-up neck brace I use on flights to the back of my
trousers. It wasn’t perfect, but when I sat down it was definitely more comfy.
It was a success.
I went for a short walk outside in them and sat on some dampish ground near a bonsai tree to test the trousers, as well as set free the stag beetles I had bought. Bonsai trees are tiny trees
that are really difficult to grow. You need to care for and nurture them daily. I suppose it’s like the Tamagotchi for the older generation. I’m not sure what they are used for though,
as it certainly can’t be paper. It would take an entire rainforest of bonsais just to make one toilet roll. I watched the beetles wander off on their adventure, now free from their box, and
wondered how they’d get on in their new life. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do. I’m always moving insects thinking I’m helping them. When I was on holiday
recently I was taking beetles out of the pool as I thought they were drowning, but the bloke guarding the pool said they were giant water bugs that find food in the pool and are happier in the
water. I had removed five or six of the four-inch things before he told me, one of which had given me a nasty nip. I shouldn’t really interfere.
Seems an odd thing to have a party about but then I suppose when we use up a day to celebrate pancakes I guess it’s fair enough to celebrate a full moon. This is a
party they’ll never have in China. It’s so polluted there that they never see the moon at all, never mind a full moon. In fact, in China I reckon they don’t even bother flying
a kite as they wouldn’t be able to see it due to the crap in the air lying so low. I know people moan in Britain, and say that we don’t make anything anymore and all our factories
have closed as most things are produced in the east, but honestly, I’d rather have a blue sky and have to get stuff imported than live in the depressing greyness that they have.
Ricky had left me a message with the idea that I should go on a rollercoaster ride close to Mount Fuji, so I could get a proper view of my task in hand. I went on it and hated
it and didn’t really see Mount Fuji, as I had my eyes closed tight the whole ride. Not the sort of pre-climb preparation Ben Fogle does, is it?
There’s not much to write about the climbing of Mount Fuji. I was a little worried when we were at the start, as an old Japanese man told me, ‘Don’t fuck with Fuji.’ Was
this an old Japanese proverb? Was I supposed to take these words of advice seriously? Did the wise old Japanese man know something I didn’t, or had he just read it on a novelty T-shirt? There
is a quote from George Mallory who said when asked why he climbed Everest (#9 on the Bucket List), ‘Because it is there.’ I know what he means, as I do the same if there’s
biscuits in the house. If I know we have some in, I eat them. If we haven’t, I go without.
The climb up Mount Fuji was easy to start, the pathway was gravelled and not very steep, but that changed two hours in and became rougher and tougher, especially in the darkness. There are a few
tuck shops on the way up where I bought a few overpriced Snickers bars to keep me going. It was the first time that my restless legs came in useful, as they were happy to carry on walking as the
top half of my body snoozed.
The view was amazing, but I didn’t really know where I was looking. It’s more interesting when you know an area and you look out for your house or a landmark. I couldn’t really
enjoy it, as, with each step I took, in the back of my mind I knew I would be doing that step again when walking back down, which is something else that makes the London marathon easier. Once
you’ve reached the finish line it’s over. Climbing a mountain, reaching the top is the halfway point.
The main problem with mountain climbing is that once you’ve made it to the top, it’s not over – you have to walk back down. That’s got to take the
edge off the enjoyment a bit hasn’t it? It’s like how the Sunday dinner is ruined a little bit from the amount of washing up that needs doing after eating it. I’ve read that
people who die whilst climbing Everest mainly die on the way down. To solve both of the above problems it would be good if they looked at fitting one of those tubes to slide down that they have
at water parks.
There’s a lot of mountains on this list. I’ve read that people enjoy mountains as they like to go where not many people have been and they like to conquer. Man
got on the moon. Today as I write this they’ve just said on the radio they’re really close to discovering the ‘God Particle’. The scientist said that humans work hard
and need answers to everything and that soon there will be no unknowns, which is funny as I’ve just got off the phone trying to find out at what time today the curtains we’ve
ordered will be delivered and no one can tell me. Does me head in.
I tested my invention at the summit by sitting back on a big cold rock. It worked a treat. My buttocks couldn’t feel the cold at all. I came up with the name of the Pilko Pump Pant. I can
now also add mountain climbers to my list of potential buyers.
Eighteen hours from leaving the bottom, an hour’s break at the top, and seven Snicker bars later, I was back where I started. My feet were killing me, as my toes had been pushing against
the front of my shoes and causing blood blisters under my nails that have only just cleared six months later. I felt sick with tiredness. Or maybe it was the seven Snicker bars.
When I got back to the UK I had fifteen pairs of Pilko Pump Pants made up and had a short stint on a TV shopping channel where I sold the lot. I feel that this was more of a fulfilling
achievement than climbing Mount Fuji.
