The Girl He'd Overlooked (15 page)

‘I’m not going to your apartment.’

‘Why the hell not?’

‘Because I want to deal with this situation in neutral territory.’

‘Your choice of words is astounding.’

‘How
else
do you want me to phrase it, James? Shall I start by telling you that I’m sorry? Well, I
am.
And before you even
think
of accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose, then I’m warning you not to go there because that’s the
very last thing on earth
I would do.’

‘Message received loud and clear!’

‘I
have
been on the pill. I can only think that that first time…’

‘We used a condom. We were protected. We were
always
protected. This is madness. I can’t believe I’m hearing any of this.’

‘Because you signed up for a life you could control!’

‘It’s not going to get either of us anywhere if we start arguing with one another!’

‘You’re right,’ Jennifer whispered. ‘And I didn’t come
here to argue with you. I’m happy to take the blame. The first time we made love, I used a condom that I’d had for absolutely ages…’
Four years to be precise. How ironic that the condom she had bought to enjoy sex with him all those years ago had become the condom that allowed her to fall pregnant.
‘It may have perished. They can.’ Salt water seeping through the foil would do that, she thought, and if not salt water when her bag had dropped into the sea, then an infinitesimal puncture with the sharp edge of a key, or nail clipper or tweezers or any of the hundred and one items she had flung in her bag next to it over the years.

She had gone on the pill the second they had returned to London because he had laughed and told her that he would be a pauper at the rate they went through condoms, little knowing that by then it had been too late.

‘I did go on the pill when we got back here so I never noticed that I hardly had any kind of period at all and nothing a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to go and see the doctor just to make sure that I was on the right dosage. Anyway—’

‘You’re pregnant.’ It was finally sinking in. ‘You’re going to have a baby.’

‘I’m sorry.’ His face was ashen. ‘You’re in shock. You must be. I understand that and I’m sorry that I’ve spoilt the meal but it’s been on my mind all day and I just wanted to get it out of the way. And now that I have, I think the sensible thing to do would be for me to leave and for you to take a little time out to adjust to the idea, so…’

He was going to be a father!

‘But why didn’t I notice?’ he asked, dazed.

‘We never notice things we aren’t expecting. Not really. And I’m not one of those rake-thin types who show every ounce of weight they put on. Apparently someone with a fuller figure can hide a pregnancy for a lot longer.’ Part
of her wished that he would be open with his displeasure. Instead, he looked like someone who had been punched in the stomach and, instead of reacting, decided to lie on the ground and curl up instead. It wasn’t him! That in itself was proof of how thrown he was and of course he would be! She had had a head start in the shock stakes. She had had several hours in which to absorb the news. The accusations would come when it really and truly sank in, the reality, the consequences, the potential to throw his neatly ordered life out of sync for ever. The waiter came and was waved away.

‘You’re going to have my baby and you greet me with the opening words that you want out of the relationship?’

‘We don’t
have
a relationship.’ Jennifer tensed as she sensed the shift in the atmosphere. He had looked glazed but now his eyes were sharpening and focusing on her. ‘We have… had… a passing physical interest in each other. And don’t look at me like that. You know that I’m just being honest.’ Was he aware of the fleeting pause she allowed, a window in which he could contradict her, tell her that things had changed, that he might not have entered their relationship with a future in mind but had found commitment along the way? The brief silence went unfilled. ‘Neither of us counted on this,’ she said abruptly.

‘You’re going to have my baby and the only way you can think of dealing with the problem is by breaking up…’

Jennifer stiffened at his use of the word
problem.

‘It seems the best solution,’ she said coolly. ‘You didn’t ask for this to arise and I’m not going to punish you, or me for that matter, by putting you in a position of having to stand by me whether you like it or not.’

‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this. We’re lovers but have you forgotten that we also happen to be friends?’

She had forgotten neither but how could she explain
that a baby needed more than a couple united by passion? Or even, for that matter, friendship?

‘So tell me,’ James said with increasing cool, ‘how do you see this panning out? Perhaps you’d like me to walk away from you and leave you to get on with it?’

‘If that’s what you want to do, then I’ll accept it.’

‘If you really think that that would be an option I would consider, then you don’t know me very well, do you?’

Which was why, of course, she had pre-empted any reaction by breaking up with him. She had known that he wouldn’t walk away from the situation. She could never have fallen head over heels in love with a man capable of doing that, and that in itself was the problem. James would want involvement. He would want to do the right thing but his heart wouldn’t be in it. Any affection he felt for her would eventually wither away under the strain of having to deal with a child he hadn’t asked for and being stuck with a woman he had never envisaged as long term.

‘We’ll have to get married.’ Something powerful stirred inside him, something he could scarcely identify.

‘And that’s exactly why I opened this conversation by telling you that it’s over between us,’ Jennifer said quietly. ‘I know you want to do the right thing, but it wouldn’t be fair on either of us to be shackled to each other for the sake of a child.’

They both broke off while the waiter came to take their orders. James didn’t bother to consult the menu. He ordered fish and she followed suit, not caring what she ate. Her appetite had deserted her.

‘And marriage!’ She leaned forward to continue where she had left off. ‘I bet you’ve never given a passing thought to the idea of getting married, have you?’

‘That’s not the point.’

‘It’s exactly the point,’ Jennifer cried. ‘Marriage is
something serious. A commitment between two people who see their lives united for ever.’

‘At least that’s the romantic interpretation of it.’

‘What other interpretation could there possibly be?’

‘Something more pragmatic. Think about it. One in every three marriages ends in the divorce courts and all of those bitter, sad, divorced couples probably sat across each other at a dinner table holding hands and waxing lyrical about growing old together.’

‘But for two out of those three, the holding hands and waxing lyrical works. They end up together.’

‘You’re an eternal optimist. Experience has taught me to be a little more cautious. But none of that matters and we could argue about it for the remainder of the evening. The fact is, we’re in a situation where there’s no choice.’

Jennifer’s heart sank. If she didn’t love him, maybe it would have been easier to settle for the solution that made sense, but if she married him, she would be torn apart.

‘I’m sorry, James,’ she said shakily, ‘but the answer has to be no. I can’t marry you because you think it makes sense. When I get married, I want it to be for all the right reasons. I don’t want to settle for a reluctant husband who would rather be with someone else but finds himself stuck with me. How healthy would that be for our child, anyway?’

How could life be suddenly turned on its head in the space of a few short hours? Very easily was the conclusion he was reaching as he looked at her stubborn, closed expression.

Rage at her blinding intransigence rushed through him in a tidal wave. ‘And tell me this. How healthy would it be for our child to grow up without both parents there? Because that’s something you need to consider! This isn’t about you and your romantic notions of fairy-tale endings! ‘

Jennifer flinched and looked away. ‘You’re not going to make me change my mind,’ she said, gathering all the strength at her disposal.

‘No? Then let me provide you with an alternative scenario. Our child grows up in a split family and in due course finds out that both of us could have been there but you wouldn’t have it because you were determined to look for Mr Right, who may or may not come along. And if he does coming along… well, I’m telling you right now that he won’t be involved in bringing up my child because I’ll fight for custody.’

Battle lines had been drawn but Jennifer could scarcely think so far ahead.

‘And your father. What do you intend to tell him?’ This before she had had time to digest his previous statement.

‘I haven’t thought—’

‘Because don’t even think about insinuating to your father that I haven’t offered to do the decent thing. I intend to make it perfectly clear to my mother and to John that I’ve proposed to you and that you have in your wisdom decided that the best course of action is to go it alone. We can see what they make of that.’

‘I don’t want to fall out over this—’

‘Then maybe you should have thought about broaching this bombshell in a slightly different way!’

‘It wouldn’t have made any difference. The result would have been the same and I’m sorry about that. Look, I can’t eat any more. I’ve lost my appetite. I think I should go back home now.’ She half stood, swayed and sat back down. In an instant, James was at her side, all thoughts of pursuing his argument forgotten.

Jennifer was barely aware of him settling the bill, leaving a more than generous tip for the waiter, who had sensed
an atmosphere and had patiently left them alone. She had her head in her hands.

‘Honestly, I’m fine, James,’ she protested weakly as soon as they were out of the restaurant.

‘How long have these giddy spells been going on?’

‘I get them now and again. It’s nothing to worry about…’ But it was comforting to have his arms around her, supporting her as he hailed a black cab and settled her inside as though she were a piece of porcelain.

‘What did the doctor say?’

‘I didn’t mention them. I was too shocked at finding out I was pregnant!’

‘You should go back. Have a complete check-up. What’s with these people? Don’t they know how to do their jobs?’

‘Don’t worry. It’s nothing!’

For the first time since finding out about the pregnancy, she wondered whether she was making the right decision in turning down his proposal. Whether he loved her or not, he was a source of strength and when would she need that strength more than right now? When she was facing motherhood? He wanted to do the right thing. Was it selfish of her to hold tight to her principles? Or in the big scheme of things, was
he
right? Could his suggestion of a loveless marriage be the right one?

The questions churned around in her head for the duration of the trip back to her house although by the time they got there, the giddiness had disappeared, replaced by utter exhaustion.

‘We can talk about this tomorrow,’ she told him by the front door and James looked at her in glowering frustration, his hands jammed into his pockets.

‘We weren’t talking back there. You were dictating terms and I was supposed to listen and obey.’

‘It’s hard for me too, James, but marriage is a big deal
for me and I want to marry a guy who wants me in his life for all the right reasons.’

‘Weren’t you happy when we were together?’ he asked gruffly and, taken aback by the directness of the question, Jennifer nodded.

‘So now that there’s a baby, why would that change?’

‘Because,’ Jennifer said helplessly, ‘it’s not just about having lots of sex until it fizzles out and we say goodbye to one another and move on.’

‘But the having lots of sex is a start.’

‘You’re so physical, James.’ She could feel her body quivering at the hundreds of memories she had of them making love. She would never forget a single one of them. ‘The cab driver’s going to start getting impatient.’

‘Why? It’s good money sitting there with the meter running. We still need to talk this one through. In fact, let me get rid of him. I could come in with you. The lights are all off, which means your house mate probably isn’t here. We could discuss this in private…’

What he meant was that they would make love. It was the language he spoke most fluently and she knew she couldn’t trust herself if they climbed into bed together.

‘We both need to think about this.’ She placed her hand on his chest to stop him from following her into the house. ‘Tomorrow we’ll think about the practicalities. And by the way, I would never tell Dad that you weren’t taking the responsible attitude, James,’ she returned to the insinuation she had never protested.

He nodded, at a loss for anything else to say. What did she mean about right reasons? Wasn’t a child a good enough reason for them to be married? It wasn’t as though they didn’t get along, weren’t fantastically suited in bed. He was genuinely bewildered at his failure to convince her.

He wondered whether he should have taken a step back,
led up gently to the notion of getting married. She had stated from the very beginning that she wasn’t looking for commitment and yet he had jumped in, feet first, arrogantly assuming that she would fall in line with what he wanted. But how could she fail to see that getting married was the most practical solution to the situation? And what about
them
? Was what they had about to dissolve because a baby on the way had crystallised the fact that she didn’t see him as a long-term partner? He felt hollow and angry and impotent.

At any rate, there was nothing to be gained by continuing to push her into the decision he wanted her to take. It was clear that she wasn’t about to let him into the house and she looked utterly shattered. For her own good, he knew that he should go and let her get some rest, but he still hesitated because he couldn’t think of her walking away from him. It wasn’t going to happen. He would make sure of that.