The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (2 page)

Dear SUPERMAN,

Last night at supper I decided to tell my mom how Superman might be writing me a letter pretty soon from Metropolis. And she said WHO? And I said Superman. And my mom said SUPERMAN? And my big brother Buster 
started to laugh. And my mom said there isn’t no Superman because he’s just makebelieve like Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. And I said that’s really DUMB because you wear a cape instead of a hood. And besides, Little Red Riding Hood is just a story and you’re a real person except you’re a SUPER person which is even better. That’s what I said. You should’ve heard me. Right in front of my dad and everybody. Only my dad wasn’t listening because he was reading the newspaper because that’s what he always does when he’s eating. My brother Buster laughed again and spit a piece of pork chop at me and called me a DUMMIE. And so my mom hit him. And so Buster kicked me under the table when my mom wasn’t looking. I don’t think you would like Buster very much even though I know you like everybody a hole lot. Anyway, my mom said Superman is also a story. And I said No sir. And she said Why would I lie to you? And I said I haven’t figured that out yet. And Buster said DUMMIE again. And my dad said Pass the potatoes please. And my mom said how that kid has quite a imagination. And I was really getting mad, Superman. And so I said YES SIR THERE IS TOO A SUPERMAN BECAUSE I CAN SEE HIM ON TELEVISION AND BESIDES I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM! I was yelling real loud and that’s why I wrote it in big letters. I didn’t like to cry in front of Buster but I couldn’t help it because everybody was looking at me even my dad. He wasn’t even reading the newspaper. He was looking right in my eyes. Then he pushed the chair back and stood up and I thought he was gonna come over and hit me with the newspaper. Usually he hits me with his hand but this time he picked up the newspaper and so that’s what I thought he was gonna do. Instead he opened it up and put it right in front of me and said, “Who’s that?” It was a picture of you, Superman.

“C’mon,” my father said, tapping me on the shoulder with his thick, hard fingers. “C’mon, who is it?”

His voice was deep and scary, but not loud. It was his special voice, the one he used on the day we got report cards in school. Even Buster was quiet.

I was trapped.

I knew he wanted me to say it’s Superman and that’s why I didn’t want to say it’s Superman, Superman. But it WAS you. You was standing out in front of the Daily Planet with Lois Lane. It was just after she got pushed out the window and you had to fly down and save her again. I saw that program three times. They even had the same picture in TV Guide once and I cut it out and saved it. That’s what I told him. And you know what he told me, Superman? He told me you were dead.

“See that?” he said, pointing a finger at the newspaper. “You can read. It says Superman is dead. It says he shot himself in the head.”

I tried to read it but I couldn’t because my eyes were all watery and my nose was running and I knew he was gonna hit me. I knew it. But I didn’t care because I just didn’t because I was mad. I was so mad I couldn’t even talk. And so I had to yell. And I DID yell! I told him how he was a LIER and how that was the STUPIDEST thing I ever heard in my life! I told him how nothing can kill Superman except Kryptonite, like the time somebody tried to stab you with a Kryptonite sword. Then I laughed. I laughed real loud. Except I didn’t really laugh because my dad doesn’t usually lie. And that’s when he hit me. That’s when he told me how that guy on TV is just a actor and not Superman because there isn’t a Superman at all. And there never was and there never will be. And maybe there won’t even be a Superman on TV anymore because he committed suicide. 
Suicide is when somebody murders yourself. That’s what he said when I asked him. Then he said I had to get right upstairs to bed young man and if I ever yelled at the supper table again then he was gonna give me something to yell about. Then he gave me something to yell about anyway. Right across the face. Only I didn’t yell, Superman. I didn’t even cry. I just went upstairs and I thought about it for a long time and then I thought about it some more and then I decided to write this letter and ask you something. Except I can’t right now. Because I’m supposed to be asleep and I just heard my dad turn off the television and so that means I better get in bed right away. Goodnight.

Good mourning, Superman. How are you today? We are fine thank you. I told Robert all about what happend last night and we talked about it for a LONG time and we decided something. We decided that it MUST be a actor on TV and not really you since you’re too busy chasing down Mr. Mxyzptlk! and blowing out forest fires to take the time to be on TV or to write us a letter. I knew all along that it wasn’t really you because why would you kill yourself when you won’t even let anybody else do it? And everybody knows you’ve had LOTS of chances to do that. But I don’t understand why that guy on TV murdered himself because if I ever got the chance to be you I sure wouldn’t murder my self no siree. Which is what I wanted to ask you about, Superman. You see, I was thinking that pretty soon they’re gonna need somebody else to be Superman on TV and maybe you could ask them to pick me. If you want. And I also thought it might be a good idea if you flew over my house someday when you happen to be out flying around anyway. And if you did it about 5 o’clock in the afternoon 
then you could wave at my dad when he was coming home from work. Thanks, Man of Steel.

Your Very Good Friends,

JERRY and ROBERT

  

Dear Superfriend,

I know I’m a little little right now but I grow pretty fast. And besides, I already know everything about you like all the different kinds of Kryptonite and The Phantom Zone and stuff like that. And me and Robert always say thing's like GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST! and HOLY KRYPTON! when we’re in our Secret Hiding Place which is a LOT like your Fortress of Solitude. Only it isn’t in the Arctic like yours because it’s back near Old Lady Holbrook’s spring. And last year I got to play The Baby Jesus in the Christmas play and so I can already act. And Robert said to tell you that he was one of the Three Wise Men and so if Jimmy Olsen ever shoots himself then maybe Robert could become Jimmy because he already has freckles anyway. Of course I didn’t have any words to say in the play because I was just a Baby. But when Janie Jobb who was my mother The Virgin Mary bent down over my manger I got to cry. And then the shepherds came and I had to be quiet while they prayed to me. Everybody said I was REAL good, even my mom and Sister Mary Justin who picked me. The reason she picked me was because I’m smaller than anybody else in the class except Donna Gapinski who’s a girl. Girls don’t count because Jesus was a boy. And since I would rather get to be you than The Baby Jesus anyway I thought maybe you could keep me in mind. And also Robert. And then we wouldn’t even care if you didn’t get a chance to fly over my 
house at 5 o’clock which I hope you didn’t forget about. Thank you. Robert says thank you also. Goodby.

JERRY and ROBERT again

  

PS: Robert said he would like to write you letters like me only he can’t spell as good and so he don’t. He said he hopes it’s OK if we write to you together and he hopes that’s not the reason you never answer back.

Dear SUPERman,

The other day I took off my shirt and put it around my neck like a cape and I jumped out of Old Lady Holbrook’s apple tree and I flew. You can even ask Robert. I didn’t go very far but even Robert said it was farther than when I’m just jumping. I thought you should know that in case you’re still thinking about if you want me to be Superman on TV. So long.

Your friend JERRY

  

PS: Robert said to tell you he noticed a couple more freckles when he got up this morning on his face.

Dear Man of Tomorrow,

Yesterday I was taking a bath in the bathtub and I was reading GIANT SUPERMAN NO. 222 which was about how you fell in love with Sally Selwyn when Buster came in to squeez some pimples allover the mirror. I thought it was really neat how Sally didn’t know you was really 
Superman and so she loved you for yourself and not for everything else. I love you for yourself also. So does Robert. But Buster don’t. That’s why he sneaked over and grabbed my comicbook and I said YOU BETTER GIVE IT BACK! And he said WHO’S GONNA MAKE ME? And I said ME. And he said GO AHEAD AND TRY. And I said I’LL SPLASH YOU! and he said YOU BETTER NOT! and I said THEN GIVE IT BACK! And he said NO and so I splashed him. And he got real mad. He pushed me under the water and he said SEE, YOU COULD DROWND, EVERYBODY COULD DROWND EVEN SUPERMAN BECAUSE THERE AIN’T NO SUPERMAN, DUMMIE! And I got water up my nose and I tried to hit him but he’s too big and I really hated the way he laughed and said DUMMMMMMMMIE just like a girl. Boy that made me mad. So I was wondering if you could get that machine from your Fortress of Solitude and project him into The Phantom Zone where he’ll become invisible and disappear. And then when he learns how bad he is you could let him come back to Earth. I hope you like that idea. Thank you again.

Your Pal,

JERRY

  

Dear SUPERMAN,

I guess thing's don’t look too good, huh? I mean about Superman and television and how I might be in it. Well, I’m glad to know you’re trying if you are.

JERRY CHARIOT