The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (12 page)

President Thomas Jefferson, looking to expand the size of the United States, was hopeful that the Spanish government would agree to sell the Louisiana Territory to him for a price that even those enjoying the financial freedom of living below the poverty line could afford. Instead, Spain's King Charles IV turned over the territory to the French as an apology for a Spanish cycling team failing a post-race drug test in the Tour De France of 1802. Now that the territory was owned by the difficult-to-deal-with French, the United States lost the right to use the New Orleans port's warehouses to store the magical beads that encourage woman of various breast sizes to remove their tops for the viewing pleasure of an intoxicated male audience during Mardi Gras every year. Jefferson was now forced to don a beret and pretend he appreciated the works of French impressionist painters in an effort to acquire the land he so dearly desired.

Jefferson and his secretary of state, James (Dolly) Madison, began diplomatic efforts with the French in lieu of the more popular military option. In hopes of finding a John Lennon — inspired “give peace a chance” solution, Jefferson sent Madison to Paris as a diplomat. Upon Madison's arrival, he was pleasantly surprised to hear that Napoleon's desire to conquer Europe was suffering through a lack of funding and the French plan to re-establish itself in the United States was being abandoned. France's minister of finance advised the French government that they could not afford to send troops to occupy the entire Mississippi Valley.
HE WARNED THAT IF A CONFLICT BROKE OUT, THE HYGIENIST- FREE BRITISH WOULD COME DOWN AND ATTACK FROM JOHN CANDY'S HOMELAND, RESULTING IN HEAVY LOSSES BOTH FINANCIALLY AND MILITARILY.
The minister viewed the area as a liability, apparently knowing nothing of the properties of the magical New Orleans beads. Fortunately enough, Napoleon's need for cash motivated him, and he agreed with his advisor, coming to the conclusion to sell the territory to the land-hungry United States.

Desperately needing cash, the French quickly agreed to sell the Louisiana territory including New Orleans for $15 million, an amount that far exceeded what Jefferson had authorized. The purchase effectively doubled the size of the United States, making room for illegal immigrants for centuries to come. The approximately 600 million acres were acquired for about four cents an acre or the equivalent of modern-day real estate values in Nebraska.

President Thomas Jeff erson found the distractions of running the day-to-day operations of the country annoying and time consuming. There never seemed to be enough Tom time. No time to sit down, relax, and just daydream anymore. In fact, the only time T.J. got for himself was the time spent on the presidential commode. While locked up in the latrine, he often dreamed of an expedition to the western portion of the continent. The land was undiscovered, and Jefferson hoped to find a path to the Orient to increase U.S. trade and import wild Asian strippers to help entertain donors for his reelection campaign
THE ONLY THING HOLDING HIM BACK WAS HIS FEAR OF A FRENCH GUY WITH A LITTLE-MAN'S COMPLEX, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE.
Bonaparte and the French were holding claims on the land that stood between Jefferson and the discovery of the Northwest Passage. Never the bully and always the bullied, Jefferson was fearful of sending explorers into the western wilderness and stepping on Bonaparte's miniature French toes. Jefferson's fears were eased when Bonaparte offered to sell the 90,000 square miles west of the Mississippi River.

Jefferson jumped on the opportunity and sent Bonaparte $15 million to finance his continued destruction of Europe. In retrospect, many Americans feel we were screwed on the deal. The land purchased by T.J. became Arkansas (we could have done without), Iowa (definitely didn't need), Kansas (still don't need), Minnesota (see Iowa), Montana (a place for people who don't like people), Missouri (see Arkansas), Nebraska (nice addition — everyone likes corn), South Dakota (even the Indians won't take it back), and Wyoming (see Montana).

During his time in office, under the direction of White House senior advisor Karl Rove, President Bush approached the French government requesting a refund for Missouri and Minnesota. Rove promised Bush he could use the refund to buy two dozen Hell Fire missiles and a three pack of the 20,000 pound bunker buster bombs to inflict additional suffering on the people of Iraq. Predictably, Dick Cheney offered to run the purchase through Halliburton and keep the Democrats in the dark about George's new toys.

With no shortage of qualified candidates and plenty of out-of-work explorers to choose from, T.J. did what any sitting president would do. He hired a crony. Landing the job of director of western expansion was Meriwether Lewis. Realizing the trip was no weekend getaway and would likely last years, Lewis knew that he had to find a co-captain who was willing to swear off sex for a considerable period of time.

With no luck at the local seminary school, Lewis decided to ask born-again virgin and former military commander William Clark to be his co-captain. With the help of Lewis, Clark was able to assemble a cast of forty men who had more interest in rowing a canoe than getting laid to accompany them on their adventure out west.

HELP WANTED: ADVENTURERS WANTED! CAPABLE OUTDOORSMEN NEEDED FOR EPIC TRIP INTO THE UNKNOWN. REQUIRED SKILLS INCLUDE CARTOGRAPHY, COOKING, WILDLIFE TAMING, NAVIGATION, ABILITY TO GO LONG PERIODS WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER, ABILITY TO WALK FOR HOURS AND/OR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE CARRYING HEAVY LOADS OF LIFE-SUSTAINING SUPPLIES, AND GENERALLY FENDING OFF DEATH ON A DAILY BASIS. NO DEGREE REQUIRED. ONLY FORTY POSITIONS AVAILABLE, PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

Known as seasoned travelers, Lewis and Clark always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip. And on May 14, 1804, Lewis, Clark, and approximately forty soon-to-be-sexually-suppressed men headed west.

As the adventurers moved on, and the long journey progressed, the team picked up some groupies, namely Toussaint Charbonneau and his fourteen-year-old Native American wife, Sacagawea. While most of today's fourteen-year-olds spend their time text messaging nude pictures of themselves, Sacagawea acted as guide and translator for Lewis and Clark, helping them trade with local Indian tribes for much-needed food. The frontiersmen quickly noted Charbonneau's young Indian bride, either with dismay or envy.
WHILE BEING MOCKED ABOUT HIS WIFE'S MILEY CYRUS — LIKE AGE, CHARBONNEAU PROCLAIMED THAT HIS PHILOSOPHY ON WOMEN WAS “GO YOUNG OR GO HOME.”
After spending months on end with forty men in the wilderness, most of the men wished Sacagawea had brought a sister along so they could stop contemplating trips to Brokeback Mountain.

Lewis and Clark, their forty-man road crew, their Frenchman, and his underage wife finally made it to the Pacific Ocean in November 1805. Disappointed to learn that the banks of the Pacific Ocean were not fertile training grounds for strippers or Indian casinos, the dream team headed back east in March of 1806. Although presumed dead, the group returned after a long and grueling journey.

They were handsomely compensated for their efforts with both land and monetary rewards. While Clark went on to handle Indian affairs for the government out west, Lewis celebrated his accomplishments by committing suicide a few years later. Like most government projects, the expedition had gone past deadline and over budget. The original $2,500 budget came in at a cool $38,722, and Ben Bernake posted notices everywhere criticizing the government's lack of fiscal control.