The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (30 page)

Translation:
Any country willing to put its pride on hold and bend its will to the U.S. agenda is eligible. We will protect you if you do not publicly oppose our wild and undisciplined military adventures around the world.

Q: What is NATO's position on Iraq?

A:
The campaign against Iraq in 2003 was conducted by a coalition of forces from different countries, some of which were NATO member countries and some were not. NATO as an organisation had no role in the campaign but undertook a number of measures in accordance with Article 4 of the North Atlantic Treaty, to ensure the security of one of its members, Turkey, in the event of a threat to it resulting from the war in Iraq. On 21 May 2003, the Alliance also agreed to support Poland, a member of NATO, in its leadership of a sector in the stabilization force in Iraq.

In August 2004, in response to a request by the Iraqi Interim Government, NATO established a Training Implementation Mission in Iraq. NATO is involved in training, equipping, and technical assistance — not combat. The aim of the Mission is to help Iraq build the capability of its Government to address the security needs of the Iraqi people.

Translation:
Look, we smelled bullshit from the start. The United States was on a wild goose chase to secure its oil interests. But we did as ordered, and did not publicly oppose them.

Q: What is NATO's role in the fight against terrorism?

A:
On 12 September 2001, less than 24 hours after the terrorist attacks against the United States, NATO declared the attacks to be an attack against all the 19 NATO member countries within the terms of Article 5 of the North Atlantic Treaty.

This landmark decision was followed by practical measures aimed at assisting the United States in different fields, in relation to its campaign against terrorism.

Translation:
We voted on Article 5 only after making sure we would not be required to do anything. Once we were given assurances it was a symbolic gesture, we couldn't rock the vote fast enough.

Q: Is NATO involved in Afghanistan?

A:
Yes. Through its leadership of the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF), NATO is helping establish the conditions in which Afghanistan can enjoy a representative government and self-sustaining peace and security.

The Alliance took over command and coordination of ISAF in August 2003. Initially restricted to providing security in and around Kabul, NATO-led ISAF has gradually extended its reach and is now responsible for security across the whole country. This is the first mission outside the Euro-Atlantic area in NATO's history.

Translation:
As usual, we sent a few Italians and Greeks over there to make it look good. If the United States would like to touch it up with another non-NATO country in the future we will be happy to green light their military mission.

Q: What is Russia's status — is it a partner country?

A:
Yes. NATO and Russia made a reciprocal commitment to work together to build a stable, secure and undivided continent on the basis of partnership and common interest in 1997.

This commitment was strengthened in May 2002, with the establishment of the NATO-Russia Council, which brings together the 26 NATO Allies and Russia to identify and pursue opportunities for joint action at 27 as equal partners.

Translation:
Of course, they are just playing along to see what our weaknesses are. They are about ten minutes from teaming up with Japan and going on the offensive.

Q: What are the official languages of NATO?

A:
The two official languages of NATO are English and French.

Translation:
We had to throw the Frenchies a bone here. They are soooo high-maintenance.

Q: How much does NATO cost and who pays for it?

A:
NATO is an intergovernmental organization to which member nations allocate the resources needed to enable it to function on a day-to-day basis. There are three budgets: one civil and two military. Each NATO member country pays an amount into the budgets based on an agreed cost-sharing formula. Taken together, these budgets represent less than half of one percent of the total defence budget expenditures of NATO countries.

Translation:
Don't believe the hype. The United States picks up the tab. More recently, we switched from prime rib to corned beef hash at NATO functions.

Q: How do I apply for a job at NATO? Who can apply?

A:
Nationals of NATO member countries may apply for all posts on NATO's international staff. Appointments to most posts are made on the basis of interview panels and written tests.

Translation:
If you are related to a president or royalty you can probably score a cushy post that will look good on your resume while getting to backpack through Europe for a couple years.

There is no easy way to have your name referred to a specific act unless you truly earn it. It takes a commitment to perform an usual act that disturbs the public consciousness for your name to become a popular euphemism. For instance, if you “pull an O.J.,” you killed your ex-wife and her Good Samaritan friend in a near decapitation-style murder following an unprovoked fit of rage. If you pull a Clinton, you got kinky with a cigar with an overweight intern. If you party like a Kennedy, you began drinking at 8 a.m., later driving your car off a cliff, drowning your lover, and then using your money and powerful friends to cover the whole thing up.

McCarthyism is the worst of all acts. Synonymous with promoting Communism, and generally not supporting the old U.S. of A., it has always been better to be a drunk, a murderer, or a lover of big women, than it is to be a proponent of Communist ideology here in America.

Before the Red Scare of the 1940s and '50s, the most significant Red Scare for men was the monthly problem of their wife's PMS. However, during the 1940s and '50s, the Red Scare referred to Americans' fear that Communist spies were infiltrating every American organization, including the Future Polygamists of San Antonio, a high school organization.

Popular thinking was that the long-term objective of proponents for a state-run government was to hold positions of power in important organizations and then overthrow the U.S. government. Those held at the highest levels of suspicion were government employees, those in the entertainment industry, educators, and union activists.
CURRENTLY, HOLLYWOOD STARS SEAN PENN, SUSAN SARANDON, AND SHARON STONE ARE UNDER SUSPICION FOR BEHAVIOR THAT SEEMS SYMPATHETIC TO THE COMMUNIST MOVEMENT.

In the early 1950s, a State Department official and some scientists were caught and admitted to spying and stealing secrets for the ruble-spending Soviets. Panic about the Soviets' John Holmes-ish penetration into the United States reached Jonas Brothers — level hysteria.

Looking for a little attention, Joseph McCarthy put himself in the middle of the Red Scare during a speech in February 1950. During this speech, he stated he had a list of 205 State Department employees who were Communists, along with one in six who were also either homosexual, bisexual, or bi-curious, yet still employed in the State Department shaping U.S. policy.

In 1947, the only thing worse than a gay was an aspiring gay Communist, so President Truman executed Executive Order 9835, allowing for a “loyalty review” of federal employees. If found lacking in heterosexuality or loyalty, they were fired and branded as someone who was a flag-burning America hater. It got so bad that anyone with a bottle of vodka and a same-sex friend in his house came under suspicion.

Seeking and destroying possible Communist embracers did not have the support of everyone in the government. In 1950, President Truman wrote, “In a free country, we punish men for the crimes they commit, but never for the opinions they have.” Later, after leaving office, he criticized the Eisenhower administration, stating, “It is now evident that the present Administration has fully embraced, for political advantage, McCarthyism. I am not referring to the Senator from Wisconsin. He is only important in that his name has taken on the dictionary meaning of the word.”
THOSE IN WISCONSIN FELT IF MC CARTHY TRULY REPRESENTED THEM, MCCARTHYISM WOULD INVOLVE WEARING A CHEESE TRIANGLE ON YOUR HEAD WHILE COMPLETELY HAMMERED.