The Weakness in Me (4 page)

Taking a deep breath, she pushed out of Sara’s car and
opened the door to the back seat to retrieve Corigan.

“Ready to be home, baby girl?” she asked, plastering a fake happy smile on her face for her daughter.

“Why don’t you put Corigan down in her room for a nap, Sam, and I’ll grab the bags,” Sara offered.

“I can help, you know?” Samantha said.

“No, you are still recovering and shouldn’t be lifting. Your therapist said Corigan only for another two months,” Sara chastised. “And even
that
should be limited to when you absolutely have to; I’m only letting you do it now because I know you want to settle her in yourself.”

“Ugh, when did you become the older sister, Sara?
This is ridiculous,” she said, pulling Corigan closer to her like a security blanket as her eyes took in the familiarity of her house. It was two stories, but from the street looked to be only one story, as the home was built on a slight hill. For being gone for two months, the lawn looked lush and well manicured, which was puzzling, since they didn’t-
she
, she didn’t have a gardener.

“Just gotta make sure you are doing what you need to, so you heal faster,” Sara said, frowning at her unintentional double meaning.

“Who’s been taking care of the lawn?” she asked, dismissively, opening the gate and taking the stone walkway from the driveway to the front door.

“Actually…,” Sara started, nervously, “um, Jason’s been helping maintain the place…” she trailed off.

“
Jason
?!
Why?!
” Samantha spun around quickly, clutching Corigan, who was so far into her nap, that her mother’s screeching didn’t even stir her.

“Samantha, go put Corigan in her crib
before you hurt yourself. We can discuss this when I get your bags inside,” her sister answered, effectively writing her off. She growled and headed back toward the front door, grateful to wear her anger enough that she didn’t notice passing everything she was afraid of on her way through the house to the hardwood stairs leading down to Corigan’s nursery. After laying her daughter in her crib and turning on her monitor, she marched back to the front door, stopping cold in the hallway when she saw Jason following Sara with the rest of her bags. He looked the same as he always had, a solid six feet, platinum blonde hair, sympathetic cerulean blue eyes, but different at the same time. He looked like a man now, his body was solid and his features were more defined and less round.

“Hey, Sara said you’d be home today, I’m glad I got here in time to help,” he said, offering up his famous impish smile that made his eyes glitter like the sun
reflecting off the ocean, the smile that used to make her melt. Anger started to course through her veins at his presumptiveness, but even she had to admit, it was nice to come home to a well manicured lawn instead of a jungle.

“Right,” she nodded, curtly.
She decided now wasn’t the time for a showdown and turned toward her bedroom, “I’m gonna go lay down for awhile,” she said over her shoulder as she closed her bedroom door, before throwing herself onto the large queen sized bed she’d shared with Caleb.
‘Did they have to change the bedding, too?’
she thought to herself as she looked around the now remodeled room. The once blue walls were now a pale green to match the comforter now on her bed. The pale oak on the four-poster was even more subdued by the new color palette. Instead of a dreaded flood of memories, she only found comfort in the bed she shared with Caleb. For the first time in months, she was able to drift to sleep easily, even though the new white curtains did nothing to block the afternoon sun from streaming through her windows facing the lake and her deck.

**

“What was that?” Jason asked Sara, turning from the door to Samantha’s bedroom.

“She’s just tired,” Sara reasoned.
“She’s not been sleeping well at my house, and I know she’s been dreading today.” Sara lifted a bag and moved it across the living room to rest beside the light stone fireplace.

The pale hardwood of the floors seemed to reflect the
late summer sun and made them look as if they were glowing. Jason had focused on the outside of the house, mostly, and let her family and Caleb’s take care of the inside. Everything in this house screamed Sammy, from the hardwood floors, to the crown molding and vaulted ceiling. Even though the exterior of the house did not reflect it, the interior reminded Jason of a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. It was definitely the sanctuary Sammy had dreamed of as a girl, all the way down to the pier on the lake bordering the back of the property.

Jason looked at the wall of family pictures that led down the small hallway from the living room to the kitchen on the other side of the fireplace and contemplated his next words, but not knowing exactly how to say what he felt in this situation.

“I expected a fight, actually. I can’t imagine having to face the memories this house must hold. It was hard enough to stay in our apartment after-,” he stopped short and changed direction. “But she didn’t die, I mean…there’s no real comparison…I wasn’t trying…,” he trailed off awkwardly, not believing he was trying to compare the death of her husband to their explosive break up. Whatever he thought he might or should say that was definitely
not
it.

“I know,” Sara smiled at Jason
, sadly. “I’m sure you mourned the end of your relationship, but you are right, there is no comparison for this. I have no idea what she’s going through, so I have no idea how to help her,” Sara looked lost as her dull green eyes filled with tears. “She’s my sister and I don’t know how to take this pain away for her.”

“It’s not up to you to heal this for her, she has to get there on her own,” Jason’s said, comfortingly, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
“I’m just glad you finally let me explain what happened.”

“
Are you going to tell Samantha the truth?” Sara’s eyes looked at him, sharply.

“Not yet, but eventually.
I don’t think she’ll want to listen to it now anyway. Plus, it seems like a really inappropriate time to bring it up, you know? Besides, there’s nothing to change it now…and, if it hadn’t happened, she might have never met Caleb,” Jason rambled, trying to explain his thoughts. “And I might not have seen how bad my drinking had gotten. It worked out, kind of,” he continued, “so no hard feelings.”

“I know
I’ve said it before, but I’m really sorry for how I treated you. You’ve been such a help these past couple of months,” Sara said, moving into the kitchen, Jason following behind her. “I’m going to see what she has in the pantry for lunch. Do you mind if I put together a shopping list for you to pick up for her? I’ll hang out here while Corigan sleeps so Sam can get all the rest she needs.”

“Not at all, that’s what I’m here for,” Jason offered, his eyes drifting toward Samantha’s bedroom door again
, sending out a silent prayer that she’d be okay and she’d let him be there for her.

**

“Where are we going?” Samantha straightened her necklace and moved to step into her cream colored kitten heels.

“It’s a surprise,” Caleb’s hazel eyes glittered with excitement as he expertly knotted his deep red silk tie.

“Honey, you didn’t have to do anything special, you know I’d be happy watching a movie on the couch with Chinese take out tonight,” she flashed him her most breathtaking smile as she smoothed his tie against his white tailored shirt.

“I know, honey, but you deserve so much more!
Three years is a big deal, hell, every day with you is more amazing than the one before. I want to give you that, too,” his hand softly caressed her cheek and she tilted her head into it, staring at the love she could see in his eyes. Samantha craved these close moments with Caleb, but he broke first, “We need to head out if we’re going to make our reservation.”

“Reservation?
Honey, it’s not our wedding anniversary, why are you going all out for this?” she asked, grabbing her purse from the dresser.

“It’s not every day you lock eyes with the most beautiful girl in the room,” Caleb started, “I just thought it was appropriate to mark that occasion again.
I can’t believe that I got you to become my wife less than six months later,” he laughed, his hazel eyes shining with happiness.

“You spoil me way too much.
I would’ve married you sooner if you hadn’t insisted on a Christmas wedding,” Samantha smiled up at him again as they walked toward their car.

“I couldn’t imagine a better Christmas gift than having you as my wife,” he
said, opening the door to their new Honda Accord and helping her in…

Samantha body jolted awake, her body covered in a light layer of sweat and her breathing heavy.
The dream hadn’t been unpleasant, but Samantha was wracked with sobs, giant tears cascaded down her face.

“Sammy, are you okay?” she heard Jason asking from the other side of the door.

“I’m fine. Leave me alone,” she choked out, trying, but failing to sound like she wasn’t in a full-fledged attack of grief. Not bothering to care that he’d just called her Sammy, because to be honest, she hadn’t appreciated how comforting those two syllables could sound to her panicked ears.

“Bullshit,” he called.
“Can I come in?” the concern in his voice was evident, as was his determination.

“
Fine! Come on in,
Jason
,” she called, reluctantly. She knew he wouldn’t leave her alone until he laid eyes on her to verify that she was only crying and not physically injured. The door opened slowly, but as soon as he observed her state, he ran to the bed and pulled her into his arms. She started to fight the embrace, but then, his fingers began to massage the back of her head, which was a move he knew would cause her to relax involuntarily. Inwardly cursing he really did seem to still know and understand exactly what she needed. The idea gave her more comfort than she thought possible in the situation, so she gave in and let him hold her as she continued to cry loudly and inconsolably, soaking the front of his t-shirt.

“Why?” he asked, his eyes soft, imploring her to share her outburst of grief
as her weeping began to subside. “Flashbacks?”

“Something like that
,” she started, no longer having the strength to fight his presence. “It was a dream of us getting ready for dinner the night we-,” she choked on sobs, “the night he-,” she took a deep breath and looked at Jason, trying to convey the message she couldn’t vocalize.

“I understand.
Just keep taking deep breaths,” he coached, smoothing her hair away from her face and rocking her before continuing to massage the back of her head, the ultimate ‘Calm-Samantha-Down’ move. She hated that she was powerless to it, that he could still be this close of a friend after all the years that had passed. Her breathing started to return to normal as she relaxed into his embrace.

“I think I’m okay now,” she
growled, pulling away from him again. “Thank you,” she added, begrudgingly, looking at him wearily.

“It’s no problem.
Are you up for dinner?”

“I can’t go anywhere
with you…,” she said, her anxiety coming back to the surface.

“Relax!” he laughed.
“I wasn’t asking you to go out to dinner or anything. Remember, we’re friends?”

“I don’t remember
anything about us being friends, but apparently Sara does…,” Samantha mumbled under her breath.

“What was that?” Jason asked, getting off the bed.

“Nothing,” she shook her head in resignation, “okay, we can
try
to be friends.”

“Good, cause Corigan’s been awake for an hour and waiting for her mommy.
I went to the store for Sara and we’ve got some chowder and bread for dinner, if that’s okay with you?” he started back toward the kitchen, motioning for her to follow.

“Fine, but one day, you’ll have to tell me what you did to get back in to Sara’s good graces.  I mean,
I’ve
forgiven you for what happened, but she was the captain of your lynch mob.  It must’ve been good,” she growled as she trailed behind him.  Jason tensed at her words before going through the motions of getting everything together for her dinner.  Samantha plopped gracelessly into a kitchen chair and folded her arms over her chest defiant that he didn’t take the bait to start an argument with her.

**

Jason watched as Sammy ate slowly, trying to fool him into thinking she’d eaten more than three bites of her chowder. Little did she know that Jason still familiar all of her avoidance tactics, like the one she was currently deploying: keep a conversation going so people around don’t think there is anything wrong, and don’t notice how little food is actually making its way into your body. Smile, so that no one looks beyond to see the sadness in your eyes. Sammy was a pro at trying to steer people away from the truth, but over twenty years of friendship, including five years as her boyfriend, then one as her fiancé, gave him all of the knowledge he needed to read her well, even after the years they’d spent apart.