THIEF: Part 3 (4 page)

“I’m sorry about last night.”

              I raise an eyebrow.“Sorry?”

              “Yeah, you know….”Alex blushes, taking a sip from his Jack and Coke.“For himping out.”He takes another sip—more of a gulp, actually—and sighs, “I wanted to kiss you a lot earlier in the night.”

              This makes me smile, like a lot of what Alex says.“It’s okay.I was just getting a little worried.That you weren’t interested, or whatever.”

              “No, no, I’m definitely—”He stops himself, embarrassed.“I mean, I like you a lot.And…I hated the thought of you thinking I didn’t.”

              I clink my glass to his, the tiny ping the loudest noise in the restaurant.Planting trees with his mom took longer than he expected, so we're eating in that lull between meals, when everywhere’s dead and all the servers are outside smoking.Not that it mattered to me, having to wait around a few more hours for him.Most of my days are the same, lately.With two exceptions: these dates with Alex, which I hope will form a pattern, and my texts from Fiona, with updates on her not-so-romantic life.

             
We broke up
, she texted me this morning.
Congrats on ur date tho.Really—i know it prbly doesn’t sound like im happy for u. but i am.

              I wasn’t sure what to say—still being fairly new to this friendship thing—so I answered,
Sorry, wish i could be there in person. did he admit it?
             

              Yeah
, she answered.
He said he’s known for a while but didn’t want to hurt me.What a joke.

              I’d written back a generic condolence, but didn’t hear from her after that.Maybe I should call, but I’m not sure how to handle this kind of thing long-distance.At least face-to-face, you can offer a hug and some alcohol, and let things run their course.

              “So,” Alex says, passing me some bread from the basket between us, “I feel like we mostly talked about me last night, where I’ve been and stuff.”He bites into a piece, thickly buttered, and nods at me.“Tell me more about you.”

              I bite into a slice of bread too, if only to stall.“What do you want to know?”

              Alex shrugs.“Your childhood?”

              “Crappy,” I answer, too quickly.Alex raises an eyebrow, so I backtrack.“My dad wasn’t around.Like…ever.My mom wasn’t even sure who he was.”

              “Oh, I’m sorry,” he says.“That must have been hard, just you and her.”

              “Actually,” I say, taking a long sip of my sweet tea, “things would have been a lot easier if it had been just us.”I’m suddenly craving alcohol, but a second date doesn’t seem like the best time to break out my fake IDFor some reason, I hadn’t cared with Silas—in fact, telling him all about my life had come easily.I like Alex a lot, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t replicate that comfort I felt with Silas.Not just yet, at least.

              I play with the water ring from my glass, pooling on the table, and add, “Mom dated around a lot.We, uh…never saw eye-to-eye on her boyfriends.”

              “I’m sorry,” he says again.“So…were you and your mom close?”

              I shake my head.“I wanted to be.But….”I think of the day I stopped trying, the day my mom made it clear she wasn’t on my side, would never be; the day I finally admitted to her that Gordon, her sleazy live-in boyfriend, had raped me.She chose to believe his lies, and I left, on my sixteenth birthday.We’d barely spoken since then, until this past summer.The last few months she’d been alive.And even then, we never said what we’d really wanted to say.At least, I hadn’t.

              “But…what?”

              “Huh?”I blink at Alex, coming back to the present.“Oh!Sorry, I just got…distracted.Let’s just say my mom and I weren’t exactly the picture of a happy home.I moved out when I was sixteen, talked to her maybe twice over the next three, maybe four years, and then right when I moved back home…she died.”

              “Oh, wow.I’m so sorry, Erin.”

              Alex reaches for my hand; I let him.“You don’t have to keep saying that.”

              “Saying what?”

              “‘I’m sorry,’” I repeat.“I mean, I appreciate the sentiment and all—I’m just saying, you don’t have to say it every time.Life gets shitty sometimes, that’s all.Happens to everyone, sooner or later.”

              “Not me.”

              I sputter my drink, laughing.“Sure.”

              “No, really.”He drags a hand through his hair, chestnut-colored and just a little longer on top, but clean-cut.“I hate to admit it, because it must make me sound incredibly naive, but…”He looks at me.“…nothing that bad’s ever happened to me.I’ve had a really lucky life.”

              Quickly, I reach for his hand and make it into a fist, rapping it against the wooden table.We both laugh.

              “Probably not a bad idea.I’m overdue, I’m sure.”

              “Seriously,” I say, taking a sip from his Jack and Coke.He raises an eyebrow, and I wink.“You’re telling me at twenty-three years old, not one bad thing has ever happened to you?”

              Alex rolls his eyes, thinking.“Okay, I shouldn’t say nothing bad has ever happened.I tore a tendon in high school running track.I got mugged in Russia one summer, the first time I’d traveled alone.Bad things have happened.Just, you know—nothing tragic.”

              Tragic.This word, with all its brooding drama and vagueness, makes my life sound more like a Victorian novella than a real life—which is to say, a life full of ups and downs, things falling into place and coming undone, then repeating.Hearing it compared to something tragic, though, makes me wonder if it is.

              “Once again,” I tell him, mustering a smile, and knock his hand against the table.

With Silas, things happened quickly.Blindingly fast, actually.So while Alex’s nervousness on all things physical slows down the pace, it isn’t as frustrating as I’d thought, always waiting for his next move.It’s sweet, and it’s nice to be a little conservative, to enjoy the way things go without my head spinning from the speed.

              Still.There’s something about that part, how easily the next steps happened for Silas and me, that I miss.

              So when Alex says, softly, “I, uh…I’d like to kiss you again,” I smile, pulling him off the porch and into my apartment.

              He doesn’t seem to mind when I take the lead, just a little surprised, like last night at his car.I don’t mind, either—I’m used to initiating.Maybe, I try to convince myself, the only thing I loved about Silas was that he took control most of the time; he was just a nice change.

              I know it’s not true, but I can’t be blamed for trying.Here I am with a crush on Alex, still in love with Silas, and only the former is worth my time.Simply put, I’m kind of a mess.At this point, fooling myself’s all I’ve got.

              Alex laughs nervously, under his breath, when I shut the door and move from his mouth to his neck.I make sure to rub my body against his erection.“Erin,” he whispers, when I lick his ear, flicking my tongue down to his collarbone.His skin smells like bar soap and salt, so different from Silas’s, but so similar in a way.So much like every guy I’ve been with, the sharp smell of their soap and deodorant, so different from my own, the heat of their breath when they say my name, sugary and new.

              “You want to go upstairs?” I whisper, and Alex swallows hard, clearing his throat, and nods.I lead the way, my hand trailing behind to touch his fingers, barely a hold.

              The bed’s unmade, but Alex stands beside it, like he needs permission.I put my body against his, kiss him, and undo his fly.I watch him kick off his shoes, then step out of his pants, his eyes on mine and flickering, somewhere between excitement and nervousness, as though any moment I’ll send him on his way.

              I push on his shoulders a little to let him know where he should be.He sits on the edge of the bed like an obedient puppy, eager to please.I peel off his shirt.

              For a second—just long enough to take it in, but not so long I make the poor guy even more nervous—I stare at him.He’s muscular, which I already knew, but not in Silas’s rugged, outdoorsmen way.It’s more conserved, like Alex himself, the muscles tighter, less wiry, the kind you’d get from gym workouts versus labor.His body hair is soft brown, almost blond.And while it’s not as big as Silas’s—I’ve never been with a guy who was—his cock is not unimpressive.Not the biggest I’ve seen, but definitely not the smallest.

              I unbutton my blouse a little, then step forward and wait for him to do the rest.Shy as he can be sometimes, he’s not slow on the uptake; the buttons come undone so quickly, his hands brushing the shirt down off my shoulders, I barely realize it’s happened.

              Alex looks like he doesn’t know where to begin, but I decide for him.I slip off my shoes, shimmy out of my skirt, and kneel.The area rug, thick white shag, tickles my knees as I get on the floor.

              I glance up at Alex through my hair.He stares back, looking like he might say something.Before he can, I take him into my mouth.

              “Oh, God,” he sighs, breathless as his cock slides into my throat.I slide my hand in front of my chin, cupping his balls and squeezing them a little.A drop of pre-cum hits my throat as I do, and Alex moans quietly.

              I bob my head, his cock hitting the back of my throat with a steady rhythm.Alex winds his hands into my hair but doesn’t force it; either he’s too nervous to do so, still, or figures I want to stay in control.Either way, I don’t mind.I keep my eyes on him.Every noise and expression makes me wetter, and by the time I’ve gotten him as hard as I can, every vein in his shaft pushed against the skin, I’m more than ready to feel Alex inside me.

              When I pull my mouth off him, he blinks, as though remembering where he is, and obeys when I tell him to get in bed and lie back against the pillows.

              I straddle him, suddenly too horny to care about making him wait and doing my usual powerplay routine, all tantric and drawn-out.Instead, I don’t even ease myself onto his cock; I take it all in at once, deep and quick.

              Both of us moan loudly, surprised at the rush of pleasure.It’s only been two months since I’ve slept with someone, but the tightness, that slight pain mixed with euphoria, makes it seem like so much longer.I think of the candles I’ve had inside me, my own fingers.Nothing compares to the real thing, even if it’s not who I’ve been imagining all these weeks.

             
Don’t think about Silas,
I command myself.It’s surprisingly easy to push my thoughts of him away.Alex is so different, yet in good ways, that it’s easy to be present.He lets me control everything—the rhythm, depth—but guides me gently, every now and then, placing his hands on my ass and pushing me down, getting his cock in as far as he can before letting go and relinquishing control again.

              “Erin,” he sighs, “this—God, it feels incredible.Could you…could you slow down, just a little?I’m…”He blushes.“I’m really close, and I want to keep it going.”Gently, Alex pushes some hair from my eyes, resting his hand on my cheek.“I want to feel you come first, Erin.”

              This tiny bit of bravery on his part—almost a command, yet still seeking permission, in a way—is a turn-on.I lean back a little, stopping the movement of his cock in and out of my pussy, and sink as deeply as I can.Both of us sigh again at the feeling.

              With one hand, I part my wet, glistening lips, showing Alex my clit.It’s swollen, nearly throbbing, and when my other hand touches it, I feel my pussy tighten just a little.Alex shudders.

              “Show me what you do when you’re alone,” he whispers.

              I like this side of him, if only because it’s so unexpected, and do as I’m told.I start to rub my clit in steady circles, pressing down harder, rubbing faster, as the pleasure increases.The peak draws closer; I shut my eyes, tipping my head back, and let myself make the noises I make when I masturbate: gentle moans, little hiccups of breath.

              “I’m close,” I tell him, and he takes it as permission to thrust—just once, deeply and hard.It’s just what I need to send me right to that peak.

              My orgasm is fast, but unlike so many nights of porn and makeshift dildos, or thrusting my own fingers in and out, barely able to reach my G-spot, it doesn’t feel hollow or rushed.With a real cock inside of me, pulsing and swelling while my pussy tightens again and quivers, it feels solid.I feel more solid, like I’m finally myself again, after Silas took such a big piece with him.

              Alex arches his hips, his eyes shutting, and I know he’s about to explode.I lift myself off him, his cock barely inside of me, and then slam down, filling myself with every inch.He groans; I do it again.Within seconds, he’s coming.

              “Fill me up,” I command him, and he tries to answer, but can’t manage more than a whimper.

              When he finishes, I gently slide his cock out of me and lie on the bed beside him, my head on his chest.He takes a long time gaining his composure.

              “Erin,” he says, finally, “oh, my God, I….”He kisses me, shaking his head.“It’s been so long since I’ve…since I’ve slept with anyone.That felt amazing.”He kisses me again, his voice sinking to a whisper.“Thank you.”

              I chuckle.“You don’t have to thank me.”

              “I know,” he says, though I’m not sure he does, “it’s just….”He hesitates.“It’s been four years.”

              “Holy shit,” I say, without thinking.Here I was thinking two months was a long dry spell.

              Alex nods.“I know.”

              “How does that happen?”I realize I must sound incredibly rude, but it’s a hard question not to ask.Shy as he is sometimes, Alex is sexy.It’s hard to believe, in all his globetrotting, that he hasn’t taken a few women to bed.

              Thankfully, Alex doesn’t seem to mind.“I’m not sure,” he shrugs.“I guess between school, and all my traveling…dating was kind of tough.And I wasn’t one for casual sex.I tend to take things slowly.”

              “I’ve noticed,” I say, and we both laugh softly.“So why the exception?” I ask.

              Alex seems taken aback by this; I feel his arms stiffen around my waist.“This isn’t casual,” he says, his usual gentle tone suddenly serious.“Was it, uh…I mean, do you…?”

              “No, no, it’s not like that,” I stutter.Now my confidence is replaced by nerves; I’m not sure how we got here, to this slight reversal.“It’s just that, we don’t know each other that well yet.This could be considered casual.”I pause.“That’s all I’m saying.”

              “It could, I suppose,” he answers, “but it’s not to me.”He pushes back my hair again.“I really like you, Erin.I know we don’t know each other very well yet—hardly at all, some people would probably say.But what I do know, I like.A lot.”His hand moves from my hair, below the covers, and I brace myself for round two: this is the kind of moment where Silas would suddenly, without warning, plunge his fingers inside of me, make me orgasm again and again, or at least play with my nipples and warm me up for another go.

              Instead, Alex takes my hand.His thumb brushes my knuckles.It’s very sweet—downright adorable—but I realize I wasn’t just expecting him to act like Silas: I was hoping for it.

              I push my disappointment aside.“I like you a lot too, Alex,” I tell him.I really mean it, but guilt still burns in my stomach.If anything worth our time is going to happen between us, I know I have to be honest with Alex.At least, when it comes to my emotional availability.

              “I do have something to tell you, though.”

              He stiffens again, but nods.“Okay.”

              I shift my jaw, thinking of the best way to phrase it.“I just got out of a…really intense relationship, a couple months ago.”

              He nods again.“Okay,” he says, though I hear a slight hesitation to his voice.

              “The guy’s not in the picture anymore,” I add quickly, “like, I haven’t spoken to him since then at all.I don’t even know where he is.”

              Alex looks away, pretending to study the pattern on the duvet cover.“Do you still have feelings for him?”

              I take a breath.“Yes.”Before his expression can turn to total disappointment or pain, two things I can’t stand to see, I add, “But I really do like you, Alex.That guy, he’s…”I shake my head.“You don’t have to worry about that.We’re finished.”Hearing the words, so final, is a lot like telling Fiona the truth about how I felt—startling, but with a strange kind of relief.It’s out there; it’s done.

              “Am I, like, a rebound?” he asks.For all his efforts to sound casual, I can feel him tensing up, more and more.

              “No,” I answer quickly.“I mean…I don’t think so, anyway.”It kills me to admit it, especially when he looks like he wants to bolt, and probably would, if he weren’t naked.But I can’t lie to him.I know how that betrayal feels, and no matter how badly Silas hurt me, I’m not jaded enough to do it to someone else.

              “Look,” I tell him, “I understand if you don’t want to…pursue anything.But please know that I really do like you, Alex.That guy and I are definitely over, you don’t have to worry about that.I just felt like I should be honest with you, about where my feelings are right now.”I sigh.“Which is to say...kind of all over the place.”

              “No, it’s okay.I’m glad you were honest.”He slips his hand back around my waist, moving a little closer.“Just promise me something.”

              I nod.

              “If you and I get serious, like…really serious, but you still have feelings for this guy by then, or if he comes back into your life, or something changes…promise me you’ll tell me.”

              “I promise.”This part, at least, is easy.Not only am I positive Silas is out of my life for good—like Jane said, even if I do see him again, he’ll be on his way to jail—but I also know, or at least feel very sure, I won’t take him back.If he even wants me.

              We lie there for a moment, kind of cuddling, but I can tell Alex is a little guarded.I find his hand underneath the covers again and squeeze it, smiling up at him.He smiles back.

              “Are you regretting anything?” I ask.

              He shakes his head and, finally, relaxes again.“Like I said, it felt amazing.And I like you a lot.So there’s nothing to regret.”He kisses my forehead.“You want to know something weird, actually?I was just thinking about it: when I’m traveling, I hate being in bed.Like, I hate going to sleep, and as soon as I wake up, I get out the door as fast I can.The thought of staring at four walls, by myself for any longer than necessary, bums me out.It makes me feel restless.But with you, here…I don’t know.There’s honestly nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”

              I snuggle into him.True, Alex isn’t like Silas in a lot of ways; Silas is more impulsive, spontaneous.Silas would make me orgasm until I literally couldn’t anymore.He’d make me see fireworks across my eyes.He was rugged, tan.Worldly, but not in a well-traveled sense.Worldly with a lot of hard knocks, like me.And I did more than really like him.I loved him.

              He was also a liar.A thief.And he framed me, ready to let me take the fall while he pretended to be a shoulder to cry on.Then he left.

              But Alex hasn’t left.He might be a little nerdier than Silas, and not so carnal.But it’s not as though the sex was bad, either.Really great, in fact.Definitely better than the guys before Silas—second place, maybe, but a close one.

              He’s intelligent, eager to see the world.He’s here with me, filling the lonely void I’d almost grown accustomed to.He’s sweet, he’s respectful.He’s honest.

             
But you don’t love him
, a voice in my head tells me.I counter with,
But I could.

              “Erin?”

              “Yeah?”

              “Your phone’s ringing downstairs.”

              I sit up, making sense of his words just when I hear the ring.It’s probably Jane, trying to coordinate a bridesmaids fitting with Fiona and me.“Be right back,” I tell Alex, kissing his nose.

              When I get up, though, I feel a head rush—not the normal kind from standing up too fast, or stumbling into the shower after a night of drinking.The room tilts and spins; my heart’s suddenly racing.I grab the edge of the bed, holding my chest, then my head.

              “Erin?”Alex is beside me in milliseconds.“Erin, are you okay?”

              “Yes,” I tell him, but I can barely breathe.I shake my head.

              Alex reaches for me.When I turn to face him, the room spins again.No…this time, it’s me moving, falling as my knees buckle and my heartbeat climbs higher.I hear Alex shout my name again, and then I’m gone.

~~~