Thirteen, Fourteen... Little Boy Unseen (6 page)

“Small girls wear dresses,” she would say, when Alex screamed and tried to rip her dress off in one of her many tantrums that became more and more frequent the older they got. By the time they reached the age of ten, she required all of their parents’ attention, and the boy slid more and more into the background. It was all about Alex. They took her to see doctors and therapists. She was out of control, they told her parents.

“I hate all of them. I don’t want to be a girl,” she would tell him at night, crying. He would comfort her, feeling the pain she felt inside. On nights when their father had whipped her for dressing in jeans or cutting her hair, the boy would hold her in his arms while she cried, even though he himself felt the pain on his back almost as bad as she did.

It was on those nights that he started cursing his parents, the pastor, and all the doctors for what they were trying to do to his sister. Why couldn’t they just let her be who she was? Was it so wrong? Was it such a bad thing?

“I’m not a girl. I’m not a girl!” she would scream at them again and again. The man could still hear her voice in his mind, over and over again. He had tried for years to escape it, but it wouldn’t go away. The pain was still there. He still felt it. He had hoped killing the pastor and making her pay for what she had done would silence the voices in his head and ease the pain a little. But it hadn’t. On the contrary. He almost felt like the pain had become deeper and the voices stronger.

It’s all your fault. You know it, don’t you? You did this to her. You didn’t stop them. You knew she was in pain. You knew how bad it was. You felt her pain. And yet you never did anything. You never even spoke up, you coward.

The man felt tears roll across his cheeks. How he loathed these long lonely evenings. How he hated being without Alex.

15

“
B
Y THE WAY,
I invited our new neighbor for dinner tonight.”

Sune looked at me and shrugged. “Sorry to spring that on you this late. I completely forgot.”

I had already started dinner, and was standing in the kitchen putting the layers in the lasagna. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“Sorry,” he said. “I completely forgot. He seemed like he needed the company. I felt a little bad for him. His girlfriend recently left him, and he’s all alone. He just moved here. He doesn’t know anyone around the neighborhood.”

“Couldn’t you have said so a little earlier? I’m not sure there’s enough food now. I would have made more,” I said, annoyed.

“Sorry. I forgot.”

I grumbled, then opened the cabinet to see if there was anything I could warm as a supplement to my lasagna and salad. I didn’t find anything and opened the freezer. I found a bag of frozen carrots. “Guess that will have to do,” I said, and defrosted them.

The doorbell rang. I felt tired and not in the mood to meet new people.

“That’s probably him,” Sune said, and sprang for the door.

I found my most enchanting smile.

“Hi there,” Sune said, and they exchanged a fist bump. As the guy stepped into the light of the hallway, I realized why Sune had been so eager to invite this guy over. He was in his late twenties, about the same age as Sune. It made sense. Sune was always hanging out with my friends and me. We were all in our thirties, and of course he needed someone a little younger to talk to every now and then. The two of them seemed to hit it off extremely well.

“This is Rebekka,” Sune said. “Rebekka meet Jeppe.”

The guy stepped forward with a shy smile. “Hello,” he said. I shook his hand. He seemed like he would rather have given me a fist bump as well.

Sune grabbed his shoulder. “Come meet the kids.”

Sune pulled Jeppe into the living room, where the kids were playing on the X-box. I returned to the kitchen, where William was sitting in his playpen, trying to fit square blocks into round holes. I chopped the salad, and put in tomatoes and some broccoli to make it fill more.

“So, who’s the new guy?” My dad entered the kitchen, leaning on his cane.

I smiled. He hadn’t been out of bed all day. He was very pale. He had lost a lot of weight from lying still. He suddenly looked so old. I kissed his cheek and helped him sit on one of the kitchen chairs.

“That’s Jeppe. He just moved in next door.”

“That’s good,” my dad said. “Sune got a friend to play with.”

I chuckled. That was exactly how I felt. Just like when you go somewhere and your kid finds someone to play with. I felt a little relieved. Maybe Sune would stop nagging me about moving out and getting our own place.

“You talk to your sister lately?” my dad asked.

“Not since Christmas. Why?”

I felt a pinch of guilt. My sister lived fifteen minutes from us, yet I didn’t see her much. She was always busy with her career and family, and she always made sure I knew how great she was doing. I didn’t like to spend much time with her, since I hated how she always criticized me and rubbed in my face how perfect she was. Plus, she had cared for my dad in the years after our mother died, so when I returned to Karrebaeksminde, she saw it as her way to get out of having to care for him anymore. It was my turn.

“Maybe I should call her,” I said. “Maybe tomorrow.”

“Do that. Now, is dinner ready soon?”

“As a matter of fact, it is,” I said, and looked at the timer on the stove. It rang at that exact moment, and I pulled out the lasagna.

“Dinner!” I yelled.

I placed the lasagna on the table and waited for the sound of feet running towards the kitchen, but it remained quiet.

“Maybe they didn’t hear you,” my dad said.

“Maybe.” I walked to the living room, where they were all sitting in front of the TV, while Jeppe was holding the controller for the X-box.

“He’s really good at playing Skylander, Mom,” Julie said.

Tobias looked at Jeppe with sparkling eyes. “Good? He’s excellent!” he exclaimed.

Sune seemed to be the most excited of them all. “You should have seen what he just did.”

“And he knows all the cheat codes, Mom,” Julie said.

“That’s all very nice, dear, but dinner is on the table.”

“Ah, Mom,” Julie said. “We were having so much fun.”

“Yeah,” Tobias agreed.

“Can’t we eat in here?” Jeppe asked.

I stared, baffled, at the man my boyfriend had invited. He looked like a kid with the controller between his hands.

“Yeah!” Tobias said.

“Yeah, let’s do that, Mom,” Julie said.

I stared at the two of them and shook my head. “No way.”

It was nice to see them agree on something, though, and not fight about everything like they had been doing lately. But I wasn’t going to have dinner in the living room and have lasagna all over the couch and carpet.

“Oh, come on, Mom,” Julie said

“Yes, come on, Mom,” Sune repeated. “Jeppe is about to show us something epic.”

“Please?” Julie said.

I stared at the pack, who were now all watching me with pleading eyes. What was this? Were they all ganging up on me now? I couldn’t believe them. Especially not Sune.

“Please,” Sune said.

“You’re kidding me, right?” I said. I felt like I had a room full of kids. Even Jeppe was making pleading eyes at me.

“No!” I said. “I have made dinner, and I want us to eat it at the table together as a family.”

“Aw,” they said in unison. They all looked sad as they got up from the floor.

I hated being the one to ruin all the fun and felt anger build up towards Sune for not backing me up in this. He walked past me and put his arm on Jeppe’s shoulder. They looked like they had known each other all of their lives.

“You’ll just have to show us afterwards, right?” Sune said.

“Sure,” Jeppe said.

“Yay,” the kids cheered, as they walked into the kitchen where my dad was waiting.

16

T
HEY LITERALLY
shoveled dinner down. Never had I seen my kids eat this fast. Or Sune, for that matter. None of them seemed to take any notice of the food or me. Sune was busy talking to Jeppe about games and computer hacking, which apparently, they also had in common.

I was divided about this situation. I was happy for Sune, that he had made a new friend, but I wasn’t sure I liked the way he simply ignored me.

“So, Jeppe, where are you from originally?” I asked, trying to make some adult conversation that didn’t have to do with computers.

Jeppe looked at me, and was about to answer, when Sune threw his fork on his plate. “I’m done. Anyone want to go back and see what else Jeppe can do?”

“Yaaay!” the kids yelled.

William squeezed a lump of lasagna between his fingers, and I had to wipe it off and give him his fork. Tobias and Julie got up and followed Sune and Jeppe into the living room without taking their plates out as they usually did.

I looked at my dad. “Can you believe them?”

My dad chuckled, then patted me on my shoulder. “Don’t make a big deal about it,” he said. “They’re just having fun.”

“I know.” I sighed and ate another piece of lasagna. “But I’m not a part of it. I feel like the kid that is being left out in school.”

“Then go join them,” he said.

I patted his hand on the table and shook my head. “Nah. I’d rather spend time with you. I don’t know anything about their games, and I don’t want to. Maybe I should just let it go, huh? Let them have their thing.”

“That’s my girl,” my dad said, and drank his cranberry juice that I bought for him. It was supposed prevent another bladder infection. The doctor had told me it would help. His last infection nearly killed him.

I finished my portion and helped my dad back upstairs. He smiled wearily when I kissed him and turned out the light. I had a bad feeling inside when I left the room, and wondered how long I would still have him. I didn’t dare to think of the day when he wasn’t here anymore. I was going to miss him so terribly. That was probably why I wasn’t in a hurry to find our own place yet. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, before it was too late.

I put William to bed, sang a couple of songs for him, then left his room and walked downstairs. I started cleaning up after our dinner, just as my phone rang. Unknown number. I picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Rebekka. This is David. Is this a bad time?”

I looked in the direction of the living room, where the kids were screaming in excitement. Sune was being the loudest of all of them.

“No. Not at all. Actually, I’m kind of glad to hear from you,” I said, and sat on a kitchen chair.

“Oh, good. I don’t want to cause you any trouble. I sensed I wasn’t exactly welcome the last time I was at your house, and wondered if everything is okay?”

“Everything’s fine, I guess.”

“Ah, but see, there’s the problem. I can tell it’s not fine. I can hear it in your voice.”

“It’s a long story,” I said with a sigh. I suddenly longed for a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in a long time, not since I got pregnant with William. I hadn’t thought much about it, but now I did. I felt like the walls of the house were closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out before I started screaming.

“Listen. Do you want to meet up?” I asked. “I was thinking about going for a walk. Get out of the house a little. Maybe you would like to join me?”

17

I
TOLD
Sune I was going out for a walk, which wasn’t a lie, then told him William was sleeping upstairs. He was so occupied with the game and Jeppe, I wasn’t sure he even heard me. Julie did, however, and she said she would listen for William waking up.

I kissed her on the forehead. I knew she would be responsible and make sure Sune took care of William, just in case.

“I’ll only be gone for a little while,” I said, and left.

I met David at the marina, where I bought a package of cigarettes and two beers at a small newsstand. We sat on a bench. The marina seemed so desolate in the winter. In the summer, it was always buzzing with people from all the big yachts and sailboats.

An old fishing boat was swaying in the water in front of us. We chatted a little about this and that, and then shared a few memories from our time inside the limestone mines.

“So, what brought you to Karrebaeksminde?” I asked, and handed him a cigarette.

“Can I be completely honest?” he asked.

“Of course,” I said, and pulled out a cigarette and put it in my mouth. He lit it for me and lit his own. It tasted so good. I felt guilty afterwards, but continued anyway. I felt like I deserved it somehow.

David looked at me. “I came because of you.”

I coughed and drank some beer to make it stop. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I came to see you. Ever since I left that hospital, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

Uh-oh! I had not seen that coming. How had I not seen this? I was just happy to see him.

“David, I’m…I have a boyfriend; we have a child together…”

“I know. I know. That’s not why I’m here. I just…I just feel like talking to you. You’re the only person who truly understands me. Who knows what I’ve been through and who…you know…gets it.”

I nodded. I had to admit I felt the same way. It was so hard to explain to people what I had been through that I had simply stopped trying. I just kept it all bottled up inside of me, and it made me miserable. I knew it did.

“I know what you mean,” I said, even though I feared I might be leading him on. I wasn’t looking for anything romantic, I hoped he understood that, but I had hoped he could be my friend. I needed one. I needed an adult to talk to, one that understood me. And he did.

“I’ve tried psychologists,” David said. “I’ve tried therapists; my doctor even suggested medicine to help me sleep, but I didn’t want it. Nothing has worked so far. I feel so wrong, no matter where I am. Except when I’m with you. Is that weird?”

“A little,” I said with a light chuckle. “But I feel the same. Most days I’m simply surviving. You know, making it through, even though I feel like I’m constantly in the wrong place. Like I’ve changed somehow. It’s hard to explain. It’s like I want more now. I can’t just get by anymore. I want the most out of every moment of my life now. I don’t want to miss a second of my kids’ lives; I don’t want to miss the last of my dad’s. I feel like I’m drifting in this sea of indifference, like I’m on a hamster wheel that I can’t escape. I feel like everyone is on it, but not everyone knows. Like I have somehow had my eyes opened to it, like it has been revealed to me, and now I don’t want to waste my life running inside of it anymore.” I paused and looked at him.