Tim Dorsey Collection #1 (6 page)

M
ARTHA DAVENPORT
heard a midmorning knock at the front door.

Gladys Plant stood on the daisy welcome mat and uncovered a tray of Danish. “I still can’t believe they arrested Old Man Ortega the other night. He sure didn’t look like a war criminal.

Martha tasted the pastry. “The paper said he used to run a death squad in Central America. They found mass graves.”

“Right under our noses on this street,” said Gladys. “Makes you wonder what else we don’t know about.”

They heard music coming from somewhere. Martha tried to place it. “Is that
Dark Side of the Moon
?”

Suddenly, a screech of car brakes, and a beat-up ’65 Barracuda skidded to the curb in front of the former Grønewaldenglitz residence and into a garbage can, scattering pork chop bones and Q-Tips. Two men and a woman got out and headed for the house.

Martha scrunched her eyebrows. “This looks less than positive.”

Lance Boyle was standing on the college students’ porch when he spotted his three newest tenants. He headed across the lawn with a smile and an outstretched hand.

“Who’s that?” asked Martha.

“The landlord. That’s the guy I’ve been telling you about who’s buying up all the houses on the street.”

“Looks like a real prince.”

Lance picked through an assortment of keys and opened the front door of 867 Triggerfish, welcoming Serge, Coleman and Sharon to their new home. Lance had a really good
bad
feeling about them. The chubby one, Coleman, was drunk and promptly broke a flowerpot. The sex kitten, Sharon, never took off her dark sunglasses, fidgeting and sniffling the whole time. And Serge. Well, Serge was carrying a
Black’s Law Dictionary
and an electronic stud finder.

The previous tenant, Mr. Grønewaldenglitz, had left in a hurry, in the night. Lance chuckled awkwardly as they entered the living room. “A regular fixer-upper. Lots of character…”

The falling-out with the previous tenant had been particularly nasty. Serge stared down at the carpet, where obscenities had been written with hydrochloric acid. Off to the side, an old bloodstain had been worked on with bleach.

Lance slid the sofa over the dirty words, revealing other words, even more vile, and slid it back.

“We want to look around,” said Serge.

Before Lance could stop them, they headed for the kitchen.

“Oh, the kitchen,” said Lance, putting out an arm to warn them. “I didn’t really get a chance…”

Too late. They looked in the sink. It was the same as all the other sinks in the house—filled with concrete that had been mixed with hundreds of little metal springs from clothespins for added tensile strength, like tiny rebars. That impressed Serge.

They headed for the laundry room. Serge opened the washing machine. Full of roofing tar. Then the dryer. Five
gallons of satin polyurethane outdoor deck coating, cured solid.

Serge turned to Lance. “That’s a lot of rage.”

Lance put up his hands in a
go figure
gesture. “People…” He flipped the latches on his briefcase and pulled out a contract. “If you’ll just sign…”

Serge ignored him and headed for the master bedroom. He opened the door, completely dark. He tried the light. Nothing.

“I don’t have a flashlight,” said Lance.

“I do,” said Serge. He pulled his sentimental halogen from a hip pocket and shone it into the room. All the windows had been nailed shut and aluminum foil Super Glued to the glass.

“What’s that on the walls?” asked Coleman.

Serge shined his light on some large smears. He walked over and tested it with his fingers. Sticky.

He tasted it.

“Honey.”

“Honey?” said Lance.

They headed for the master bath, making crunching noises as they walked. Serge pointed his flashlight at the floor. Hundreds of insect carcasses.

“Bees?” asked Lance.

“You’re allergic to bees, aren’t you?” said Serge.

“How’d you know?”

“You must not have checked this property for a while. Someone was expecting you to walk into this dark room while the bees were still alive…”

“Why would anyone want to hurt me?”

Lance was curious now, and he took the lead. He stepped in the master bath and went to throw the light switch, but Serge grabbed his arm.

“What’s the matter?” asked Lance.

Serge pointed up at the naked lightbulb, a pool of amber liquid in the bottom of the glass. He motioned Lance out of the bathroom. Then he reached back in from around the corner, flicked the switch, and pulled his arm away fast.

A fireball blew out the doorway.

Lance turned white. “What was that?”

“They used a pinpoint diamond drill and poked a hole in the metal base of the lightbulb,” said Serge, stomping out little fires on the floor. “Then they used a syringe to fill it with gasoline.”

“Where’d you learn that?”

“Prison.”

“They did that in prison?”

“No, we watched prison movies in prison. That was from
The Longest Yard.
”

Serge headed back to the living room, and the others followed. He pulled out his stud finder and ran it along a wall. It began to ping and flash. Serge turned it off and went to manual—tapping the drywall with a two-fingered physician’s thump.

“What are you doing?” asked Lance.

“Shhhhh!” said Serge, then: “This is non-load-bearing, right?”

“What are you planning?”

“Nothing.” Serge went over and sat down on the couch in front of a glass-top coffee table. Lance sat down and pulled out the contract again and set it on the glass. Coleman sat down and put his feet up on the table, and the glass shattered.

Lance picked the contract out of the broken pieces. “We can sign it on our laps.”

“This place gives me the creeps,” said Sharon. She sniffled. “You need to drive me somewhere.”

“Shut it right now or you know what happens!” said Serge.

Sharon crossed her arms in a show of defiance and marched off into the master bedroom, then realized it was dark and came out and marched somewhere else. Coleman popped his first beer of the half hour.

Serge began reading the contract. Lance uncapped a pen and held it ready. Serge was the first prospective tenant ever to read the entire contract, all twelve pages of fine print. He asked questions about every paragraph and got out his
Black’s Law Dictionary
to look up words. Serge had appeared ready to sign a dozen times, and Lance kept offering the pen. But Serge would always hold up a hand to wait, then look up another word. It went on like that for an excruciating hour. Just as Lance had lost all hope and was ready to drive the pen into his own brain, Serge snatched it out of his hand and gave the contract an autograph of beautiful looping calligraphy.

Lance handed Serge the keys. “You’re going to love it here.”

The light in the living room began flashing on and off. Serge and Lance looked over at the light switch. Coleman was flicking it up and down.

“It works,” Lance called over to him. Coleman flicked it a few more times and staggered away.

“I think his parents dropped him,” said Serge. He looked down at the floor, and bent over and picked up a tiny gasket. “What’s this? Part of a crack pipe?”

Sharon heard Serge from down the hall with ultrasonic addict hearing. She ran back in the room, dropped to her hands and knees at Serge’s feet and finger-scraped the rug.

“Sharon! Behave!”

Lance waved good-bye, and Serge pulled a typed agenda from his pocket.

“We need to make a supply run,” said Serge. “Then the games begin!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Sharon said from the floor.

“Don’t you know what day this is?” asked Serge.

Sharon ignored him, inspecting something from the rug before deciding it was a toenail clipping and throwing it over her shoulder.

“It’s June twenty-first,” he said. “The solstice.”

“The what?” asked Sharon.

“I can tell by the thoughtful look on your face that you’ve gotten it confused with the vernal equinox,” said Serge. “A lot of people make that mistake. No, the solstice marks the first day of summer. And you know who invented summer, don’t you?”

“Who?” asked Coleman.

“The Wham-O Corporation.”

S
ERGE SCREECHED AWAY
from the curb for his supply run.

Moments later, the Davenports’ front door opened, and the family headed for the Suburban and their own supply run. Saturday was errand day in the Davenport household. Martha had the checklist, and Jim drove. Walgreens, Publix, Home Depot, Burdines.

“Look,” said Jim. “There’s a Suburban just like ours. Same color and everything.”

Martha nodded. “They’re popular.”

“You ever get that weird feeling when you see a car exactly like yours?” asked Jim.

“What do you mean?”

“You know—you’re not really paying attention, daydreaming about stuff, and you see the same car coming the other way. And for a split second you think it’s
your
car, and maybe you’re inside it. But then who’s inside
this
car? Like a mirror universe thing. Know what I mean? Ever get that feeling?”

“We’re switching to decaf.”

Jim checked his watch. Twelve-thirty. “Melvin, you want a Happy Meal?”

Melvin nodded.

Jim pulled into a McDonald’s, and the family started getting out. Martha looked in her purse. “We don’t have enough cash.”

“There’s a bank next door,” said Jim, getting back in the driver’s seat. “You guys go on inside. I’ll drive over with Nicole and be right back.”

A WHITE SUBURBAN
sat at the curb in front of the bank’s ATM. It was in the fire lane. The driver glanced in the mirror and noticed a police car enter the parking lot and roll up behind him.

“Uh-oh.” He put the vehicle in gear and pulled out of the fire lane.

Jim Davenport drove into the bank’s parking lot just as the other Suburban and the police car were pulling away. “There’s that same car again,” he told Nicole. “It’s just like ours.” Jim parked in the fire lane in front of the ATM.

A tall man in sunglasses and a baseball cap sprinted out of the bank with a green canvas bag. He jumped in the Suburban’s passenger seat.

“Hit it!”

“Who are you?” asked Jim.

“You’re not Henry!” said the man.

Alarms started going off outside. Jim felt a gun in his ribs.

“Drive!”

Jim put the car in gear and pulled onto the highway. Nicole began crying.

“Shut that fucking kid up!”

“I’ll take you wherever you want to go. You’ll get away. Just don’t hurt us.”

The man hit Jim over the right eye with the butt of his pistol. “Shut up!…Goddamn Henry! This is all his fault! I have to think.”

Nicole continued wailing.

“Shut that brat up or
I’ll
shut her up!”

“She’s just a child.”

The man smacked Jim again with the gun. Blood was getting in his right eye, making it hard to see. It was happening in seconds, but adrenaline had Jim’s brain on overdrive, thousands of pages of data flying through his analyzer. Nicole wailed louder.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” The man turned around in his seat and pointed his pistol at the toddler. “Shut the fuck up!”

In the nanosecond the gun swung toward his child, Jim’s brain reached Option X.

“There’s cocaine in the glove compartment,” said Jim.

The man spun around. He opened the glove compartment and leaned over. “I don’t see it.”

“It’s way in back,” said Jim. “I hid it in case I ever get stopped.”

The man was so eager, his head was practically inside the glove compartment. “I still don’t see it.”

“You will,” said Jim. He turned on the radio.

PANDEMONIUM
.

Police, TV trucks, onlookers, a sheet-covered body next to a Suburban on the edge of the highway.

Martha was hysterical, clutching Nicole hard, trying to kick the body under the sheet while cops restrained her.

Jim was at the back of a squad car, quivering, giving his version of events to a sergeant with a clipboard. A patrolman handed Jim a cup of coffee, and half of it spilled on Jim’s shaking hand.

“Is he really dead?” asked Jim.

“Pretty much,” said the sergeant. “Airbag broke his neck like that”—snapping his fingers.

The patrolman patted him on the back. “You did everyone a favor.”

“Saved the state a lot of money,” said the sergeant. “Skag McGraw was a real dirtbag.”

“One less McGraw brother society has to worry about,” said the patrolman.

“Brother?” asked Jim.

“Five in all,” said the sergeant. “Or were. Now there’s four. But I wouldn’t lose any sleep. The rest are all locked away in prison and won’t be getting out for a long, long time.”

T
HE BARRACUDA SKIDDED
to a stop on Triggerfish Lane. Serge had returned from his supply run. He unloaded hula hoops, Frisbees and giant soap-bubble wands. He unrolled a slick yellow Slip ’n Slide on the lawn behind the metal cows and the remains of Lady Bird.

Serge bounded up the front steps and into the house. He dashed from room to room. Sharon was on the couch with a vibrator and no pants.

“Where’s Coleman?” he asked.

Sharon didn’t look up. She pointed out the side window.

“Next door?” he asked.

She didn’t respond.

“Nice talking with you.”

The middle finger.

Serge crossed the lawn and ran up the steps. He stood in the open doorway of the college rental.

Two students knelt next to the turntable, turning a vinyl record slowly with their fingers. Waste-oid’s ear was pressed against one of the speakers.

“What’s up?” said Serge.

“Listening to ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backward for secret messages,” said Bernie.

“Heard anything yet?” asked Serge.

Waste-oid took his head away from the speaker. “I think he just said,
‘Please pass the butter, Satan.’
”

Coleman walked in from the kitchen, carrying a roll of tinfoil, a plastic scouring pad, a tube from a Windex bottle, duct tape, Saran Wrap and a rotisserie chicken.

“There you are!” said Serge.

“Don’t break his concentration,” said Bernie. “We’ve been waiting for this.”

Coleman sat cross-legged on the floor and stuffed the scouring pad into the chicken.

The students gathered around and paid attention for the first time all semester.

“There’s no way,” Frankie whispered to Chip.

“It can’t be done,” said Bill.

A hush fell over the room.

Coleman was a flurry of deft motion, hands moving fast all around the chicken with unconscious muscle memory. Moments later, Coleman sat the chicken upright on a newspaper in the middle of the floor, then pulled his hands clear like a rodeo rider after tying off a calf.

“Time!” said Bernie.

Chip clicked the stopwatch button on his chronograph. “Three minutes, eighteen seconds.”

“Incredible,” said Waste-oid. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. A bong made from a chicken.”

Frankie was still skeptical. “But does it work?”

“Does it work?” said Coleman. “Pot!”

Waste-oid handed him a baggie, and Coleman began stuffing buds in the bird.

“Be careful with that stuff,” said Bernie. “It’s some nuclear weed.”

Sharon showed up in the doorway, ragged from a night of partying, but in a very hot way. She cocked her hip and
twirled a lock of blond hair with a finger. “Anyone got any coke?”

“Shhhhhhh!” said the students.

It was the first time in history her coy look had been rebuffed. She sidled up to Serge. “What’s going on?”

Serge nodded toward Coleman. “He’s holding court.”

“I still don’t think it’ll work,” said Frankie.

“Never count this guy out,” said Serge. “He can make a delivery system out of the contents of any home in America. I’ve seen him do it with bicycle pumps, hot-water bottles and a souvenir coconut carved into a monkey’s head.”

Coleman held an unlit lighter near the chicken. “Okay, when the smoke bubbles in the water, it’ll filter through the scouring pad, breaking it into thousands of even tinier bubbles. That increases the surface area of the gas in contact with the water, because the smaller bubbles have a shorter radius, which is squared and multiplied by four pi—whereas the larger bubbles have most of their volume on the interior of the sphere. The water scrubs the increased surface area, removing impurities and giving you higher THC content per airborne particulate. Hence, a smoother, more potent smoke. And now, in new chicken flavor!”

“Where’d you learn all that?” asked Bernie.

“Spent a year at Hillsborough Community College. Drugs were an incredible education. I learned all about physics, the metric system, jurisprudence, economics, agriculture, politics, pharmacology and home ec.”

Sharon turned to Serge. “How come he’s such a numbskull about everything else?”

“He’s like a savant,” said Serge. “The Rain Man of Dope.”

Coleman shotgunned another beer and belched. “Enough batting practice.” He grabbed the chicken and leaned over it.

“Stand clear,” said Serge. “Let the doctor operate.”

Coleman flicked the lighter and pulled hard. A bubbling sound came from deep inside the chicken; smoke squirted out under the drumsticks.

“Oh, man,” said Chip. “He’s fucked.”

Finally, Coleman cut the lighter, pulled away from the chicken and inhaled deeply. He fell back in a sitting position. His face turned red and he put his hand over his mouth, but it was no use. The coughing came hard and furious, and he blew out all the smoke. The hacking went on and on. He rolled on the floor, grabbing his throat.

A student rushed up with a glass of water, but Coleman refused it. “No,” he said, pushing the glass away. “Coughing gets you higher.”

The fit finally subsided, and Coleman sat upright. A sugary glaze descended over his eyes.

“Uh-oh,” said Serge. “Here it comes.”

“How do you feel?” asked Bernie.

Coleman looked slowly around the room.
“High, stoned, hammered, bent, twisted, ripped, wrecked, wasted, trashed, annihilated, polluted, stewed, baked, fried, cooked, toasted, roasted, lit, torched, burnt, buzzed, blind, blotto, blitzed, blasted, blown, bombed, pie-eyed, glass-eyed, shit-faced, blue-faced, tight, booted up, hopped up, messed up, screwed up, goofed up, fucked up, numb, paralyzed, wired, knee-walking, wall-hugging, floating, flying, peaking, sailing, rushing, tripping, zooming, zonked…”