To Kill the Duke (11 page)

“Moi? Pull a fast one on you?” Wayne joked.

Dick Powell had every reason to believe that John Wayne was indeed pulling his leg.

Wayne’s practical jokes on his close friends were as legendary as Wayne’s career.

And one time Dick Powell tagged along to take part.

The first time John Wayne had invited Dick Powell out to play a practical joke on one of their peers was after a long Saturday afternoon and evening of drinking — the Duke excused himself from the party and came back with a bag full of Ivory soap.

“Are we going to all take showers together?” A sarcastic Ward Bond hollered to the group.

“No, we’re going to take part in a celebrity car wash,” Wayne announced. Everyone get into the tactical bivouac gear out in the garage.”

The 11 partygoers followed Wayne out into his garage and saw their outfits for the celebrity car wash. All black commando stuff that Wayne had probably pilfered from a movie set.

“Some car wash,” Bond scoffed.

After they were all in uniform they followed Wayne for about seven blocks — dodging car lights and running in out of the darkness. When they arrived at the home of Kirk Douglas, Wayne handed out bars of soap to the men in his command.

“Gentlemen, that’s Kirk’s favorite car. Our mission is to soap the shit out of all the windows so Kirk will have to spend a pretty penny at the Hollywood car wash,” Wayne told them.

And the group did just that.

They soaped up Kirk Douglas’ cars windows so bad, that Douglas had to hire professionals to get the windows clean again. For months after that raid, the 11 who took part in it avoided Douglas at any event in Hollywood — he was that mad.

A second commando raid that Dick Powell heard about was when, after another wild night of drinking, the Duke had everyone assume their uniforms and go out and toilet paper Jerry Lewis’ home. At a fundraiser a few weeks after this event, Dick Powell heard that Jerry blamed Dean and to get back at Dean, Jerry slashed the four tires on Martin’s Cadillac limousine. For a while the Duke and his commando team of practical jokers thought about toilet papering a different star’s home once a month, but the idea didn’t catch on as well as the toilet paper did in the branches of Jerry’s trees.

Dick Powell was well aware that the Duke had filled a trash can full of beer and had leaned it up against Ward Bond’s on-location, trailer-room door, so that when Bond opened up the door, the trash can spilled its contents into the trailer. It took Bond days to get the scent of stale beer out of the one-room trailer he was staying in.

When he was filming a movie with George Montgomery, the Duke threw a bucket of cold water with ice on George and everyone else he found in the shower stall…
after
the victims were all lathered up and deep into a hot shower. Montgomery and the others all got back at Wayne by
putting plastic wrap under the toilet seat, because Wayne was one of those men who never lifted the seat when he was urinating. The resulting spray back all over his shoes and pants made Wayne howl and pledge revenge.

With all the practical jokes that Dick Powell had participated in or knew about, there was a particular one that some people claim was the best ever. Dick Powell wasn’t one of the claimers, because he was the victim.

The Powells had just finished totally renovating their house with special emphasis on the ultra-modern kitchen they had designed themselves. Dick was in love with the hand sprayer with an extra-long hose attached to it, so he could water the hanging plants inside the kitchen area. The problem was that Dick had bragged about the kitchen to the Duke before the party.

Somehow John Wayne got into Dick Powell’s new kitchen the day of the big, house-reopening party and tied rubber bands around the hand sprayer and pointed it right to the front of the sink. The Powells’ party was an invitation-only formal affair. The house tour featured a different food dish and drinks in every room with the end of the tour being the kitchen. Again, Powell had bragged to the Duke about the entire event. When it came time to show off the kitchen and the most modern kitchen sink in Hollywood, John Wayne asked for the water to be turned on, because he “wanted to see if the Powells could afford to have running water,” since the remodeling looked like it cost a king’s ransom. Powell obliged and when he turned on the water the rubber-banded hand sprayer, which had been waiting for this moment, soaked him like a fire hose. When Dick couldn’t figure out what was wrong, he ended up breaking the entire hose apparatus… causing him embarrassing grief and a slew of more money.

“At least you don’t have to stay at home with the plumber,” June said to him. “By the way, it was your good buddy John Wayne who fixed you real good on the hose. Maybe you ought to get him to pay.”

These very thoughts were racing through Dick Powell’s head as he listened to his friend rave about the script and point to sections in it that he “just loved.”

“Well?” the Duke said.

“Well what?” replied Powell.

“Do you have someone already picked for the lead?”

“No.”

“I want it then,” Wayne said as he stood up and towered over his friend.

“You’ll have to be nicer to the Hollywood Ten if you want me to bend over to get you this job,” Powell said as he grabbed another report that had been provided to him by Howard Hughes’ crack research team. “Look at this list — Alvah Bessie was nominated for an Academy Award. Herbert Biberman is married to Gale Sondergaard. Lester Cole helped co-found the Screen Writer Guild. Edmund Dmytryk was
your
director in
Back to Bataan
. Ring Lardner Jr. won an Academy Award. John Howard Lawson wrote
Action in the North Atlantic
and
Sahara
. Albert Maltz did
Destination Tokyo
. Sam Orwitz wrote
Three Faces West
— heck John, you starred in that picture! Dalton Trumbo wrote
Thirty Seconds over Tokyo
. These guys are good for Hollywood and you know that. And most importantly Duke, you want to play Genghis Khan in
my
picture. We need to mend the fences all the way around and you could be a big help,” Powell pleaded to his friend.

“You have always steered me straight, Dick. And I might add you have been one of my teachers when it has come to looking at things like a
real
conservative. You make a short, sweet and good argument. I’ll try to do as you have asked… as long as I get the part,” John Wayne bargained.

“And you have to reimburse me for the plumber,” Powell added.

Duke howled like crazy as he started to leave Dick’s office.

“It’s a deal,” Wayne said.

Powell stared up at the biggest male star in the world and shook his hand.

“You gave the part I wrote for Marlon Brando to John Wayne!?” Oscar screamed into the phone after Powell informed him of the decision that was surprisingly loved by Howard Hughes. Powell reasoned that with Wayne, Hughes would get his wish of a female co-star with big moomoo’s, because John Wayne’s leading ladies always were women with big breasts.

“Who am I to say ‘no’ to John Wayne?” Powell protested. “And by the way, Howard is sending you a gift.”

“Is he going to take speech lessons?” Oscar asked, not thinking about what type of “gift” c
ould
be sent to him by Howard Hughes.

“He said he would work on this role harder than any other he ever tackled,” Powell said.

“Dick, I’m not doing any re-write,” Millard said.

“We don’t have time. I have to finish the casting. The crew is moving out to Utah. Be there when I am, in about two weeks,” Powell said.

“And Howard is happy with this?” Oscar Millard asked his boss.

“Howard has said more than once to me that you wrote a western that took place during the reign of Khan. And since it is a western, we have the biggest western star to play it,” Powell said appeasing Millard’s ego with praise from Howard Hughes.

“You don’t have to kiss my ass, Dick. I like and respect you. I just have this queasy feeling that putting John Wayne into a film written for Marlon Brando is a disaster. I mean would you have put Brando in for Wayne in
Sands of Iwo Jima?”

“As I said before Oscar, who am I to say no to John Wayne?”

Chapter Three

“One death is a tragedy; one million a statistic.”
— Joseph Stalin

“I have known much good done by those who affected to trade for the public good.”
— Adam Smith

“Saddle Up!”
— John Wayne as Sgt. Stryker in “Sands of Iwo Jima”

I
van tensed his muscles to fight off the cold as he made his way to his job. It made him look like a robot when he walked, but he had learned at an early age it helped him stay warm.

Ivan hoped that Alex was right about the big shots getting so drunk they would leave lots of goodies behind. Ivan was hoping for a warm overcoat, because he didn’t want to catch a cold like Alex had. He hoped that the vodka-laced tea would kill any of the germs floating around in Moscow waiting to attack his body.

He made his way to where he would be working and stopped at the guard house in front of the iron gate. Other than the bitter cold, he felt good. Taking the nap had indeed been a great suggestion. He nodded thanks to his friend Alex for coming up with that idea.

He showed his identification card to the giant guard who had more weapons in his belt than Ivan knew existed. The guard said nothing and pointed to a small shack on the other side of the gate.

“That’s the projection room?” Ivan asked the guard.

The guard rolled his eyes and shook his head no.

Ivan walked slowly over to the shack wondering what fate awaited him.
At least the cold isn’t bothering me
, he thought to himself.

There was nothing sinister awaiting Ivan Visnapu but a good old-fashioned strip search, delousing by warm water and best of all… he was told he was to receive a new uniform, followed by a hot meal. Ivan was told that this was Standard Operating Procedure (or S.O.P.) for anyone entering such an important residence.

How come Alex didn’t warn me?
he thought.

Well… the strip search and delousing was S.O.P. He hoped he was getting a uniform like the one he had seen a long time ago as a boy in Stalingrad. The soldiers who performed the search and shower laughed at how skinny Ivan was. They also threatened to cut his thick black hair if they found any trace of lice. Ivan didn’t care… he was warm and the soap actually had fragrance! He was told that he only got a hot meal and a private’s uniform because he was going to be running the projector for the premier’s favorite pastime. Ivan was told he had to look the part. They also took his wrist watch. Ivan didn’t bother to ask for it back. After all, it wasn’t his and he was pretty sure it didn’t keep the correct time, despite what Alex told him. Ivan didn’t trust anything bought on the black market.

“I don’t get a fancier uniform?’ he asked no one in particular, as he listened to the guards tell him how lucky he was to be eating such a luscious meal.

“You know comrade, there really is another reason we are stuffing your face before you go into the residence and set up the projector,” another soldier said to him.